Depressed & Really Angry

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Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 8/31/2010 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Just when it seems things can't get any worse, they do.

So I didn't get the job at the place where I've been temping & that's bad enough. But they lied to me for so long trying to get more work out of me that I turned down a legit job offer. Well, it's my own fault for continuing to believe that most people are kind & honest & good people. But that doesn't change the fact that I am just so angry I can't sleep and I really struggled to make it through today. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through 2.5 more weeks of this bs.

Tomorrow the lady who flat out lied to my face returns & I am just really anxious about it. I feel like if she says pretty much anything at all remotely related to the permanent job I am just going to completely start screaming and crying.

I'm trying to accept that this is a good lesson for me on how most people are just out for themselves & they will do whatever necessary to get what they want even if it means hurting someone else. I know pretty much every psych I've ever seen has told me I have too positive/naive/rosy a view of other people & with few exceptions they aren't nearly as nice as I was to assume. But with everything else that's wrong in my life to feel like people are generally selfish & mean just puts me in a dark place.

I know I should probably try that terrifyingly scary experimental treatment my PCP is recommending but I've just had such awful luck with many of the counselors I've seen & the idea of someone curing me by making me severely dizzy just seems like the dumbest, crazies, stupidest idea in the world. And it seems like a scam & a ripoff. Plus I've literally spent probably $8-10K trying to learn to compensate for extreme dizziness (caused by pressure in my brain) so to turn around and spend more money trying to bring it back also sounds dumb.

Plus I know there are some counselors out there, like anyone else, who rip people off. This isn't covered by insurance & since the APA doesn't actually endorse most treatments there's no way of knowing whether there's anything to this except that I do know that the brain does go looking for other places to hijack when it feels chronic dizziness. My worry is that the last time it hijacked my speech & language centers. What's to say the same thing won't happen again.

God, why does life have to be so horrible all the time?

wearyRAsufferer
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Date Joined Mar 2010
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   Posted 9/1/2010 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances- is it possible for you to confront this woman and say with all due respect I was really hoping to get that permanent job and I am very disappointing not to have gotten it. Can you tell me why I didn't get it? I would like to work on anything you found lacking so in the future I can succeed.
I don't know your story about the dizziness. Are they thinking it's anxiety caused or is it inner ear? I don't know what pocedure you are speaking of but I was plagued for a while with inner ear crystals and they suggested putting me in a chair in the dark and spinning it in all crazy directions and speeds. I wasn't looking forward to that. Then I took a look at the bill for my visit that was a big nothing saw $500 and it knocked the dizziness right out of me! I'm not trying to make light of it- I know dizziness is a real drag and it's horrible being off balance and sick to your stomach all the time.
Hope everything works out for you OK.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 9/1/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,

I am sorry that things are going so badly right now. I do agree with wearyRAsufferer about the lady lieing to you. Just the thought of you being able to mention it to her makes me feel better. But I see your side of it too. It is really distressing when you think of all the crappy people that there are in this world. It makes you wonder how many are actually honest. But don't feel bad for being a little naive. I trust those kind of people more. We may get used from time to time, but if I am not naive, I am paranoid, and I truly hate that feeling.

I am sorry for the dizziness. That must be awful uncomfortable for you. Is it like that all the time? Or just once in a while? Either way is disturbing. I don't understand the treatment either. but I do wish you the best with it.

I hope that things get better for you. I am sorry that you didn't get the job that you wanted. Is there no chance of the other job? I am sorry about that too. Keep us posted on how things are going with you. I know how hard that you have been trying and it is time you got a break. I hope that things do turn around for you soon.

Hugs, Karen

PS I copied down a grief site that you posted to a member. And I will probably pass it out to people in need. I hope that you don't mind. I didn't think you would. Thanks for being so helpful to the other members. You are a truly wonderful person Frances.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 9/1/2010 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
WearyRA,
I have Chiari, a congential disorder that causes dizziness. I had surgery on my head/neck & went to vestibular rehab learn to compensate for the dizziness.

My PCP thinks I have some kind of severe anxiety issues from all the things that have gone on in my life lately. Even though she agrees with the psychs I have seen in the past that I don't have an actual anxiety disorder, "just" depression, she thinks that since all the depression treatments have failed miserably that we should try this crazy treatment where they make you really dizzy by causing nystagmus (which, ironically, was the dx my neuro used to send me to VT). The actual means by which they cause the nystagmus can vary, but that is the goal of the treatment. Apparently when you are severely dizzy you can't be stressed out at the same time. That's all well & good (though I don't believe it b/c I was dizzy & stressed out before) but even if it works I can't see how being severely dizzy is an improvement over depression/anxiety.

I can work with depression. I can't even read when I'm dizzy.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 9/1/2010 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

Being dizzy would stress me out in itself.

Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/1/2010 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Frances,
I am so sorry you are having these problems. How terrible of your work place not to give you the job permanently. They must have known you wanted it. I think I would
speak to that person when she returns and ask why you weren't given the job.
As far as the dizziness I assume you have been to neurologists to determine a cause.
That procedure you describe does not sound like something you would want to do.
I know you live in the same state as me. Are you near one of the big teaching
hospitals? Would it be possible to see other neurologists to get a different opinion or
possible treatment? I wish I had some way to help you but please know that you are
in my prayers. I truly hope things will improve for you. You deserve some good in your
life.
 
Hugs,
 
Aurora

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/1/2010 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
uggggh- I don't think I'd want to try the dizzy thing either. Sure hope things look up for you soon. I'm in a bad place myself...feeling sad is such a drag.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 9/1/2010 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
There must be something in the air. I have had a hard couple of days myself. I wonder if it is the season. I hope you all feel better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 9/1/2010 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
hmm? what's in the air? misery? if that's what you meant, I agree! cry

Aurora,
Thanks for posting to me. I know what causes the dizziness. My skull didn't grow big enough & it puts pressure on my brain (which grew to full size). So there's no question about that.

The issue is that all this stress is making me crazy (no real mystery there -- losing your home, job & everything else will do that to a person). My doctor said there's no real physical cause for all the stress -- bp spikes high & low, hard time sleeping, hard time concentrating, etc. I've tried antidepressants in the past, but they cause my TSH to skyrocket (which is crazy dangerous) which is not only physically unsafe, but makes me feel even less energy so it basically is worse than nothing. I've also tried counseling, but talking about things doesn't really help. I saw an art therapist when I first went to counseling & that really helped. Then I had a bunch of awful counselors who just constantly told me that I would never beat the depression unless I stopped taking my pain meds. Several hospital stays & a couple life-threatening infections later, I've learned to reject that advice. The pain meds get me out of bed. My Pain Specialist says I take them responsibly & none of the psychs thought I was an addict or anything, they just felt that there is never a good reason ever to take prescription pain medicine.

Plus, I eventually learned that I had to lie about my past or the counselors would be so fascinated by the fact that I was horribly beaten while growing up that they would not let me talk about any of my real problems. I've been to counseling for my childhood (the first counselor I saw was really good with that -- she had been abused herself & really hit a good balance of encouraging me to talk about it when it was relevant but not digging up my past just to dig it up). At this point, I need to learn to deal with upsetting things in my present life. And the 2 people I saw who did not insist on no pain meds were just convinced that if I spent a full hour hysterical, reliving my past that somehow that would put me in a better place. Yeah. I just felt like there was no hope at all in life & I felt like they just wanted to hurt me. I told them that but they insisted. The last one I quit after attempting suicide twice while under her care. I'm not putting that all on her, but I told her that I was feeling upset about my life & was feeling worse after our sessions and she would not let up.

So I joined HW & bought a lot of books and committed to trying to learn to handle things better. And while I have a LONG way to go, I think I have been better about not getting so worked up about things. But right now there are just a lot of really major things that are going wrong right now. And that's almost more than I can bear. Sometimes it really is too much.

I've tried to get into actual controlled trials in the past, but have been told that because of my birth defect, I do not qualify. But this treatment my PCP is recommending is not even being considered for a trial. It is just something some random person (not even a licensed psych) invented & wrote a book or something about. And some people decided to start trying it out. Apparently including this MHW that my PCP wants me to see. I am just terrified b/c nothing has been going my way lately & to try something that might even make me physically sick is so scary.

I don't know. Everything is just so overwhelming right now.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 9/2/2010 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I called my dad. That was my first mistake. And then I talked to him. That was my second.

And of course he just told me to suck it up b/c people have a right to treat me like dirt. So now I am just feeling so horrible beyond belief & need to somehow focus on just breathing so I can make it through until the morning.

I'm pretty sure that test treatment is going to make me worse, but maybe that's for the best. Right now almost nobody even wants me alive. And I'm not yet so depressed that I will accept that but maybe either the treatment will make me better & I won't be such a lousy person or it will make me worse and then at least I won't bother anyone any more. Mostly I don't want to do that, but I just really want to make people happy. And I've been trying so hard but you can't ever escape from the things you did wrong in the past. I'm just sick of being hated & a total failure. :( I wish I could be more like some of you.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/2/2010 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Frances,
I am so sorry your father treated you so badly. You don't deserve that. You are a very
good and kind person. I have seen how you have helped people here and you have been
a big support to me many times. You know that you have many caring friends here who only want the best for you. No one has the right to treat you like dirt. You deserve the same kindness you extend to others. Your father seems to be the one with the problem.
It sounds like you have decided to go through with your treatment. I hope this will work
out for you. Frances, you need to be kinder to yourself and not beat yourself up the way
you have. You need to concentrate on making yourself happy. The past is gone so you need to keep it behind you. You cannot go back. You are not a failure. You have had some unfortunate circumstances that really were beyond your control. You must not let
past mistakes shape your life now. You can't change anything but you can move forward and rebuild your life. I know you can. Many of us have had to do just that and I am not saying it is easy just that it is possible. To me you are one of the nicest persons
on this forum. You don't need to be like anyone else. I wish you the very best with your
treatment and I will say special prayers for you. Please let us know how you are doing.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 9/2/2010 8:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Aurora. I'll try. I'm just so discouraged that being off work for a while in 2007 from depression & stuff continues to haunt me more than 3 years later. It's so depressing that it's still being held against me even though I've been faithfully going in to work every day since then.

I just wish I could get a fresh start, but I guess there are no fresh starts in life. You just have to live with what was & is.

It's pouring rain here tonight (which I love) so maybe I'll actually get more than 90 minutes of sleep tonight.

hope you're doing well,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 9/3/2010 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I agree with everything Aurora said, I couldn't have said it better. You are such a good person. You just have a lot on your plate right now. One thing at a time and soon you will be back to your old self. You are truly a survivor. STay the way that you are. We all care about you Frances. Please know that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/3/2010 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Frances,
 
I hope you did sleep last night. We had a big thunderstorm last night, probably the same
as where you are.
I want you to know that there is such a thing as making a fresh start in life. I have done
it once before and I am doing it again now. Years ago, 30 to be exact, my husband left me without saying a word. He just up and disappeared taking all his belongings. I was out for the day and had a babysitter at home. I came home to everyone crying and thinking we were robbed but the sitter said my husband came with another man and a truck and removed all his possessions. My boys were 9 mos. and 5 yrs old at the time.
I was up crying the whole night. He eventually contacted me and we divorced but I was
overwhelmed. He took care of all the bills and I just didn't know what to do. I had to learn and I did. I somehow pulled myself together, first with help from my pastor and then I went into counseling with the therapist I still see today. I made a new life for me and my boys and it was hard but it turned out to be many good years for us.
Now I am learning to live on my own as both my boys live on their own. My oldest just
moved out a week ago. He is 36 and I have never lived alone. It is an adjustment and I am very lonely. I am by no means comparing our problems as I know yours are very overwhelming. I am only trying to tell you that it is possible to make a new start. I even am on good terms with my ex. He is definitely not my favorite person but we made an agreement to get along to help our boys. It has been so long I don't think or remember much about being married to him. I have truly put the past behind me. I am hoping this will give you encouraqement to go on with your life and let the past go because if you do, you will move forward with your life and see it in a new light. I know you can do this, Frances, and you will start to have more self esteem and confidence in yourself. I wish you the very best.
 
Hugs,
 
Aurora

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 9/3/2010 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Gosh, Aurora. That's horrible. No wonder you struggle so much with your boys being on their own. I can't imagine having that kind of strength.

I just feel like so much is being held against me. And I'm trying to escape from my past, but people keep throwing it back in my face. Or I screw up or something. I just had to take my car in for major repairs today. I really didn't need the huge expense, but was told that the engine & transmission were practically hanging on my a thread & it's amazing they hadn't fallen off already (I knew there were serious probs, but didn't know that your engine could actually fall off your car). So now I've got more back on that credit card that I have been trying to pay off so I can forget about those hospital bills from 2007. Between the monthly bill & a sucky credit report, I just keep being reminded all the time.
And then there's the issue of having a lot of sick days at my last permanent job. B/c of those, they narrowed it down to me & another secretary who both had lousy attendance records and rolled the dice. So I lost that job. The really dumb thing is that I could've been there more often -- way more often -- if they weren't so rigid about either you're there by 9:30am or you don't come in. Which is fine, a lot of employers are strict about getting to work on time -- but the place where I was trying to get a job didn't really care what hours you were in the office as long as you got your work done & were available by phone/internet for key meetings/events (which I can do no problem b/c I have a cell phone & mobile internet). The problem before was that the buses out to my old job were totally unreliable & I can't always drive myself. Between the birth defect that would sometimes make me dizzy & my idiot neighbors who caused all sorts of noisy problems and police visits at all hours of the night, I really struggled. Even anxiety meds & sleeping pills were not enough to get me a full night's sleep. I went for acupuncture & that helped a little with the anxiety, but nothing could drown out the extreme noise. I'm not allowed to put anything in my ears b/c of a minor issue with them -- I got damage to my ears & loads of infections even when I would sterilize the ear plugs with alcohol. It was just all too much.

So this time around, I decided that if I got this job I would move to a quiet-living apartment blocks away from work so I could walk. I planned everything out & the hiring manager told me unofficially the job was mine. Proud isn't really the right word for what most of my family felt (maybe my extended family, but not my immediate one), but at least they weren't so bitterly critical of me for a moment. Then everything falls apart & things are back to "Frances can't pull it together. Frances didn't deserve that job anyways. Frances is a horrible employee. I would never hire her."

I know my family will always just say awful things about me/to me. I just keep thinking that if I can just not be such a screw-up and get it together, maybe they will leave me alone enough that I can focus on what other people think about me rather than always hearing from my family & getting depressed about how they think I am the worst person ever.

I just don't know what more I can do. How could things get this bad?

Well, anyways, thanks to everyone for your advice & encouragement. I don't know how I'd survive without you all.

blessings,
frances

CassandraLee
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 9/5/2010 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances:  Our lives are continuing to run parallel.  I am truly depressed, angry and at the end of my rope too.  Like you, I think I have also been naive and too trusting.  I also tried to make proper ethical decisions and assumed that others would follow-suite too.  After many months of waiting for my own news regarding my house, I received it a few days ago.  It is all negative and I am devastated.  In regards to a job, nothing is happening either.  Literally, the resumes I send out just go into some deep black hole.
 
Yes, life truly *uc&s at the moment.  However, I do not consider either myself or you to be screw ups, as you described when talking about your family, etc.  It is truly easy to be on the safe side of the fence and criticize others who are down.  However, I would like to see how they would survive if the situations were reversed.  With this economy, i truly believe that luck has kept them where they are.  Also, something that I have learned over the years is family is whoever you consider to be family.  Sometimes we are the closest to our friends.  If your family is treating you this negatively perhaps your only mistake is staying close and keeping them in the loop.  Don't let them drag you furhter down right now by giving them more ammunition.
 
Well anyways, I myself have some really tough decisions to make soon.  I feel like I've been kicked so many times when I'm down and I'm scared too.  ....Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone at the moment. 
 
Cass

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 9/5/2010 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

Please do not let your family define who you are in your mind. They are only critisizing you. They are not supporting you. And what you need now is some support from people who care. That is where we come in. We all care about you and want you to succeed. We want you to be happy and healthy and have a home. We all care about you sooooo much.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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