I've been depressed for at least 5 years now. I have too many things]that are making me hate my life everyday, so I think I'll make a list and hopefully somebody can give me some advice. Please i know this might be a long read, but i really need help and i DO NOT want to go see a therapist or be put on anymore medication.
1. I think the way my depression started was back when i was 9 years old
( i'm 21 now ), my sister got cancer and I had to watch her lose her hair, get sick from the chemo, and then die. Her last wish with the makeawish foundation was to visit Hawaii, and i didn't go with her and my mom because i was too afraid of flying on an airplane. When she came back she was completely different then when she had left, like she was almost braindead, so i couldnt even really communicate with her anymore. she died shortly after.
I know what you're thinking at this point "obviously you're gay and in denial", but i dont feel this is the case. As soon as i was done i realized what a stupid decision i had made and basically just told myself "well at least now you know youre not gay now" . I went home and took a long long shower. I think about this everyday and get ashamed and disgusted with myself. It's a major part of my depression and I dont think i'll ever live this over.
Shortly after the gay experience when i . Ofcourse i got paranoid and started to think i had an std. I didn't want to tell my mom, because she thought i was still a virgin. eventually i got enough courage to ask her to go to the doctors, i got tested for just about everything but they didnt find any stds, 3 years later, still looks and feels the same, adding to my depression and reminding me of that stupid mistake i made 3 years ago. This has also added to my already pathetic self image and has made it hard trying to be happy and normal.
4. I hate this town i live in. When my sister died, my mom decided it was time for us to move from our town in iowa, where i lived for the first 12 years of my life and where all my friends were, to the west coast. I've pretty much hated it since i've been here, which would be about 9 years now. There's really nothing to do, all my friends want to do is get high/drunk and sit around which isnt helpful for my depression. I would get new friends, but honestly everyone i know in this town does drugs. I don't really hang out with anyone anymore because of my depression. When i'm out with friends , thoughts about my past come up and i get ashamed and instantly depressed. I know if they found out about my true past nobody would want anything to do with me.
5. I have hyperhydrosis and it makes me not want to even leave the house. Hyperhydrosis is a condition where you constantly sweat for no reason. I've only had one job because the sweating adds SO fricking much to my social anxiety. I have to wear jackets all the time to cover the sweat stains, even in summer.
6. I'm scared to get a job/go to school, because my social anxiety just feels like too much for me. Like i've said i've only had one job before and I HATED going to work everyday. Now i've got a new job coming up that i dont even want, but i feel like i should just take it since it would get me out of the house. The only problem is i'm going to have to drive like 50 miles with my boss, who i dont even know and try and make small talk. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is very big deal. I really don't like talking to people.
8.I'm 21 and my hair is already falling out. I don't know if this is just from stress, but i have a feeling that since my dad is bald, i'm going to be too .
So i think thats basically it... i have other things that really bother me, but these are the main ones. writing this out really just makes me realize how much Still.... does anybody think they can help me?
Please read forum rules before posting anymore. I had to delete a lot of your gay experiences as there are children as young as 13 on this forum. And it is considered family friendly. No talk about illegal substances also. Thank you for understanding. I know that you don't want anybody to tell you to talk to a counselor, but I think that you need it. It would help your self esteem and give you some sort of direction which you obviously need that. Keep trying though.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/2/2010 10:32:19 AM (GMT-6)