To D or not to D ...

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/3/2010 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
getting by- I know in my heart once I do- if I do I will wonder why I wasted so many years of my life. I know if I heard someone else talk about what I endure (nothing physical but emotionally...bruises go away-bad feelings stay in your heart and brain forever) my heart felt response would be- you deserve better than that! Get out now! Why do you stay? But I have a hard time taking my own advice.
When the kids were small I thought it was easier to stay. I knew it would be a very ugly divorce. He would do and say things that would push my buttons and make me an ugly person to be around as well. I thought it would be less damaging to my children to stay and repress my feelings and keep the peace to the best of my ability but there were times when I lost it and acted in ways I wished I didn't anyway. And I don't think I taught my boys anything good by having them watch their father call me bad names and disrespect me and I my taking it made it seem like it was right. They themselves don't respect me the way they should. My daughter...I have always told her don't ever let yourself be treated like this but that wasn't right either-making me talk bad of her father. Today she is a very independent woman who puts up with nothing- to the total opposite extreme. :(
And here I am. They are all grown and we had a blow out where he called me the C word, said I'm abusive and crazy and accused me of being afraid he was going to find something when I was angry that he went through all my drawers, in my closet and under my bed and pulled out all kinds of stuff that he felt wasn't needed - put it on my side of the bed so when I came home after a 9 hr. day at work I could go through it and see what I would sell at his yard sale. Besides everything else I am tired when I get home. I have RA. I had to do something with the crap if I even wanted to sleep that night!

Am I crazy? I felt violated- am I wrong? Am I abusive because that made me angry? I know I'm not the C-word and you know I feel like this is the last time he can call me that ever again. I have had it.

I hope I haven't hi-jacked this thread- I am so sorry. I got started and I couldn't stop. :(

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/3/2010 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I didn't mean for two posts to start from me on your new thread, but wanted to get this one started. I wasn't sure what to call it, but I took a post from the other thread to start it. I hope this was what you wanted.

As I stated in the other thread, I totally understand what you are going through. And even though the kids are gone, it is still hard to make this decision. But know that you are strong and we stand right here behind you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/3/2010 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen.

I think it will be good for me to let things off my chest and perhaps have others give their point of view. I am at the point where I think I don't know what to believe of myself anymore.

One reason I am not in counseling is because I think that would cause him to tell me that validates that I'm crazy. At least thats why I didn't go when the kids were small because I didn't want it to come up in divorce court.

Has anyone out there been thru this?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/3/2010 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I just wanted to point out that you are giving this man way too much power in your mind. You are letting him determine what is crazy. Going to counseling doesn't mean you are crazy. It gives you validation as of what is realistic. It means that you are helping yourself to get stronger. Of course he would want to use that against you, but it doesn't matter now that the kids are grown up. I just hate when one side has so much power. My first husband was like that and it was hard to live with. But I didn't know any better. Sometimes I wonder if I still don't. But I am in a better place now.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/4/2010 4:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Over the years I have certainly allowed circumstances to cause him to have all the power in this relationship. If you were to talk to him he would dispute this. This is because I will express my opinion- it doesn't go anywhere but because he knows I disagree with him that is enough for him to complain. I'm disappointed that no one is posting on this thread. Hoping it's just because it's Labor Day weekend and people are feeling happy and getting their week end on.
I am stuck here with him and the yard sale I didn't want to have and could use support.

I helped him mark prices and set up tables but I told him I refuse to sell- I feel uncomfortable about selling my stuff. I don't like people pawing thru my "garbage". I'd have rather put this stuff on the curb or donated it to a charity if he felt the need to clear out.

My big stretch was allowing him to take the crib and bassinet out of the attic to sell. I never wanted to get rid of my "babies" things - thought maybe I'd use them for the grandchildren- but my young adults don't seem to have any interest growing up to the point of marriage and children and when I have in mind my "great escape"- I don't find myself having the ability to move such items or store them for that matter.

Maybe taking baby steps I will eventually be out the door.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/4/2010 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I truly think the reason that you aren't getting any responses is because of the weekend. Once Tuesday gets here, it will be a different story. Or we could change the title of your thread if you want. It is up to you. But I think it is because of the weekend.

I know it is hard parting with things that mean a lot to us. I had to finally give up my floral shop things because there is no way that I will be able to do it again with the fibromyalgia. But that was the hardest thing for me to admit that it was over. I hung on to this stuff for years. I know it is nothing compared to the baby things, but it was a dream of mine that was shattered from 911 and fibromyalgia. So I do kind of know how you feel.

Do keep posting and get this off of your chest. It really does help.

Take care,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/4/2010 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen- I just had a thought. Could you change the name of the thread to: To D or not to D? Ha ha- a little bit funny isn't it? I need some humor. I am so bored here this weekend. I am actually ready to start talking to my husband like nothing happened because I'm just so tired of the nothingness. I won't be leaving right away so maybe I should just pick up where we left off until the next blow out....

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 9/4/2010 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I know you are looking for people to give you some advice....and I really feel badly for you...but I have a very supportive husband so I don't know what it's like to live as you do. The thing I would do is get some conselling. I have a good husband and a psychologist. If I had a bad one, I sure would need the psychologist. Don't be afraid to go. It will help you so much. Sorry I didn't have more to say to you....but please get some help.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.
meds - fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/4/2010 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for updating the thread name Karen

Thanks myjoy for your words of kindness.

Well my try failed. It was OK up until the point where I disagreed with his opinion. Oh well.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/4/2010 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I always go on like nothing happened because it isn't that important to me anymore. But my husband isn't unkind to me, though we don't always agree on everything. It is just that life is too short for me to sweat the small stuff. And it mostly is all small stuff in my situation. So I just keep going on. I hope that this makes sense.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/4/2010 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Ugggh- this day is just awful. We had planned on company tomorrow but I can be pretty sure that he won't ask them now. It will be my punishment. I don't even like this couple much (its his friend and his wife) but it would be so much better than just being the 2 of us.....He was mad because my son and girlfriend were hanging out here instead of going out. He wanted his privacy. They were up in his room for goodness sake! We were outside having a drink and he up and left when I said it didn't bother me that they were here- that our son is rarely home anymore and I miss him. I thought he went in the garage and I went in the house. I went to go in the bedroom to get changed in some comfy clothes and he was in there with the door locked. Just before that he was acting all lovey dovey if you know what I mean and saying he was sorry, that he was wrong to have called me names and said I was too good for him.

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/5/2010 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Back to being on good terms- friends wanted us there instead of coming here which is even better to me. No entertaining- no mess to clean up. Although I did make cole slaw, mac salad, deviled eggs, sausage, peppers & onions which I will take over there. Oh yeah and I made their kids some cookies this morning too.
It's going to feel so good to be around other people.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/5/2010 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow,

That was a lot to cook. I wish I had that much enthusiasm. I am suppose to go to a house warming party this afternoon and I doubt that I am going to go. I didn't know about it until a day ago and haven't even had a chance to buy anything. But when I read all the stuff you made, plus the cookies, it made me feel rather lazy. And I will blame the weather. lol...

I hope that you have a wonderful time!!!

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/6/2010 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen- do you see my tendency (with all the cooking & baking) to over do- I spoil people and then I wonder why I am taken advantage of I think.
I had a good time at the bbq but I had a few drinks and ran my mouth about things. I confided in my friend that I am not willing to put up with my husband's mistreatment anymore and that he thinks I won't leave because I've made idle threats before but I couldn't leave before because of the kids but now they are grown and I can. I think I might have said something to his buddy too. I think I might have asked him to talk to my husband and tell him I am serious about how unhappy I am and if he doesn't change things are going to end. Why did I have to over do it? I know it's because I needed release and my friend has a bad habit of constantly refilling your glass before you are even done.
In any event- today has been like night and day. My husband was attentive, pleasant- he was like a new person. To the point that I am starting to 2nd guess myself that maybe I had over reacted to the whole thing. Maybe I really am just going thru the change of life or something...
I'm really worried that it is going to get back to him what I said last night and he will be very angry that I aired our dirty laundry. My nerves are shot.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/7/2010 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Relax about it. What is the worst case scenario? What is the worst that could happen if one of them says something? It isn't the end of the world. And I have a feeling that nobody is going to say anything. So try to relax and forget about it. Tell yourself you will deal with it if it happens. Enjoy him being kind and caring. But remember if he goes back to the way he was, you do have a plan. You can make this work for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/7/2010 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess the worst case scenario is that I was a big blabber mouth and told his friend I was seriously thinking of divorcing him if things didn't change and he will tell my husband who will then be furious and ask me why and how dare I. Then I will have to reply it's because it was the truth and as I have 30 years invested in this relationship and since he didn't seem to believe me when I told him- that I thought that maybe coming from his friend it would. it was a last ditch effort on my part. It won't be pretty but-ah well it will blow over.

He continues to be nice today. Who knows- maybe the friend already talked to him that night and he did take it to heart. I doubt it tho- we just haven't had anything we disagree with each other about so far.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/7/2010 5:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I can see you are a little uneasy with his niceness. You aren't use to it. Maybe this will continue. Some people can change. But I think it is all up to you and what you are going to take. I hope that he stays on his best behavior.

I hope that you don't run into any problems with what you said to his friend. If you do, I hope it does blow over fast. But maybe it is time to lay it all out on the table and discuss it. I wish you the very best with that situation. It is hard, but you got to let him know what you expect in the form of respect. He needs to treat you right.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2323
   Posted 9/7/2010 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen- I really appreciate the way you have been taking the time to respond to my posts. You have really helped me feel more at ease in this situation that is somewhat depression and also anxiety.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop aren't I? I think he did speak with his friend today and so far no blow outs.

He does need to treat me right. Half the time I'm more angry with myself for having taken it for so long therefore making him think that it is acceptable. I get mad at myself because I know I am disrespecting myself by taking that kind of crap.

I am such a peace lover- I wish this could just be easy. I don't want to have to fight for my rights! :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/8/2010 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I know how you feel, why can't it just be live and let live? Things get difficult with some people. And our feelings get hurt. Keep hanging in there and remember that they are just words. Though a person can only take so much. I figure one day at a time in this situation. Don't let him bring you down. Be happy as much as you can, you will know if it is time to leave.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, December 04, 2016 5:35 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,774 posts in 301,054 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151206 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, KrazyKorean5.
310 Guest(s), 12 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Wdan, Bololidat, Lymepilot, Michael_T, jennydancingfish, Teamchris, Serenity Now, NiceCupOfTea, lymedriven, Broncofan18, julymorning, minnietoty


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer