I am not sure how to post the replies to each of you; but I thank you.It is a place I must tell you I haven't gotten out of bed since I posted.I fear looking in the mirror;I am just a dead person that happens to be breathing.If anyone can understand, I have absolutely no one to go to.That last statement is one I could not seen to get across to anyone. The only humans I have spoken(face to face) to in 7 years are doctors, The battered women's shelter is not an option; a my husband is connected.I tried the community mental health services; but was decided I could afford to pay!It is so overwhelming to explain the processes and depths I have been through.I am frozen in panic and want to vanish.For the first time; I am no longer paying the bills-something which seemed so easy at one time is insurmountable.This is frightening; as I know intellectually I must keep my perfect credit.Yet, I have just enough light on to type this before the husband gets home.I find myself wanting to just run & run & run.I don't know where to run.I am up to 3 weeks without a bath,teeth brushed(i was so recise about grooming and on the day or 2 out of this time, I will see myself and realize I am pretty.I have gone to avoiding mirrors, as I fear what I see(as many times I didn't know who the face was looking at me)I have managed many comebacks in past and things would be fine for a few weeks; this time I can't find the inner strenght to comeback.I believe I know I will taje care if things; he'll be nice a few days; and the cycle repeates.Maybe thats what is holding me back.I try to think; but it may be illogical.
As for self esteem; I actually was a performer and a (beauty queen-I never thought beautiful; but it got me a scholarship.)I had hoped at one point with therapist and psychiatrist; maybe I had BDD.But, my therapist says and had me go through my life; I was a pleaser;wanted everyone to like me.I enjoyed dancing and became bored quickly; but my mother wasn't good to me and my father was an alcoholic(binge type).I need help;I am so dirty I can't go on like this.I wish an angel would scoop me up and send me to a beautiful place where I could start all over again.
Another thing that hurts; my parents ; since 1987 have not tried to contact me.I wrote them. I guess that in itself could account for depression.But, my husband and his mother; who I was with at the time; helped me write the letter.Kinda simply put by therapists; I allowed myself to be manupulated and brainwashed.
If anyone knows of a getaway for people like me, help me.I am to the bottom;and hoping this goes to right people who cared enough to respond,I am having trouble concentrating; but read privacy.I haven't learned posting yet.Please help me.PLease help me!