Marriage Advice?? Please...

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advice?
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/14/2010 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone
I'm new to this whole-chatting-my-life-on-the-computer-and-let-the-whole-world-read it thing but I think it's my last chance in saving my marriage. I am 22 years old and have been married for almost 9 months. My husband has just recently found these new "hobbies" of his that he enjoys A TON!! Most of our conversations are about how he is constantly gone doing these hobbies, which involve this game called Magic I have never played it before in my life but my husband is obsessed with it. I love spending time with my husband and I feel like when we finally have a weekend free where school and work aren't involved, he decides to go and play this game with his buddies. I feel like he doesn't care about me and actually want to spend the night with me on the couch, watching a movie with popcorn. I have cried myself to sleep many times at night knowing that my husband won't be home until 2 or 3 in the morning, depending on how many people show up to play Magic. I am so worried that his "honeymoon" stage has come and gone and I'm still stuck in it and he wants me to let him go and do his thing. What should I do?? I hope this all made sense... this is like 8 months of drama crammed into a paragraph. Pretty much my problem is is that my husband and I are constantly on the go, and yes we see each other every day but it's in between work and college, and when we finally have a night alone he leaves to fulfill his hobbies. Am I being to strict on him? Should I just let him go? Help me please understand what to do.

Thanks so much!!

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/14/2010 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
maybe just say honey I love that you have found a hobby you really like, but I also need some date time here too, so we need to discuss what would help us met both of our desires?
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 9/15/2010 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Does he mind if you do things without him? If not, then go for it. You need to have faith that he is on the up and up and is doing what he says he is. But that seems awful late to be coming in. Can you go with him? Or does he want to do this by himself? It will all come out in the wash, it always does. Be patient. The truth of this will come out in time. I hope he is just doing what he says he is. Men will be men. Sorry guys.... They like to play with their buddies. Go with him if you can...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

advice?
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/15/2010 11:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the response and advice. This Magic game that he plays is a card game and I have seen it, so I know that when he says he's going out of town or out for the night with his buddies, he really is doing so. I'm afraid that I'm being too strict on him already. I love spending time with him, and it seems like he doesn't enjoy it as much as me. He is constantly looking for nights that he can go and play basketball, volleyball, go to the park, go play magic... pretty much I feel like he is just trying to get away from me. But I know deep down that he isn't because he is my husband and that isn't how they feel... right? I know he loves me... doesn't he? I'm not sure. He says it when he's around me, but I am not sure if he really means it. It makes me so sad and more depressed knowing that my best friend, my husband, doesn't love me as much as I do for him. What are some ways that I could make him understand how much love I have for him? And I always ask if I can go, but the response I get most is, "You can come if you want but all we're going to be doing is playing Magic and you don't like that game... so you might feel left out." I wish that he could understand that I love being with him, not all the time, but most of the time. I want to build our relationship and enhance our love life but it seems like his interests right now are not me... they are his hobbies.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/16/2010 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Out of town, Overnight? Ho ho NO! Go with him, this sounds fishy.

Tell him he is letting you down, you are "new bride" and want to be with him a lot more than is happening, because you love him and miss him and are lonely.
I know you believe him but he is acting very suspicious.

My husband would travel with his job, and then on Friday go see a sporting event with someone, and they just happened to have a ticket. I tried to be understanding, but he would push it to the limit - more and more selfish. Nip it in the bud. Tell him you don't want to be alone every weekend. Good luck...

advice?
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/16/2010 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the advice!! The more advice I can get, the more it helps!

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 9/16/2010 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Have a heart to heart with him telling him exactly what you told us here. See what he has to say. I lost the lines of effective communication with my husband long ago because I didn't have the guts to bring up what he disagreed with and now I pay dearly.

To me I don't think it's fair. I agree with whoever said call his bluff and go with him. Tell him I don't mind sitting watching the game- it's better then sitting here bored by myself.

My husband's passion is hunting- which is fine but when my kids were small I was stuck at home while he was out with the buddies and then they went out to the bar afterward under the vise that they check their deer in there too (which is true) but then it was an all day & all night thing and it really wasn't fair and then it all just snowballed. 20 years later it's the same thing- but now I'm not tied down and just have to get the guts up to go do my own thing.

Nip it in the bud!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 9/16/2010 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I know that these guys are saying nip it in the bud. But do you want to be that controlling? Is there anyway that you could find your own things to do. With your own friends, similar to what they do? And still find time to be with him once in a while. You are spending the rest of your lives together, that is a long time and a lot of time with eachother. Familiarity breeds contempt. But these guys have given you some good advice, and it is up to you what you want to do. I am just giving you the other side of it. Be confident in your relationship.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/16/2010 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I cannot believe I am speaking out here but when I was a new bride - many years ago,  my hubby had his motorcycle buddies and he played pool one night a week.  He is a hunter and loves to fish.  I knew these things going into our marriage.  I also knew he did not like to shop,  go to fancy restaurants or entertain alot.  I resented some of his time away but when we talked about it things always worked out.
 
At first I tired to "change" him - shame on me as I loved him just the way he was.  I learned to adapt to his ways and he to mine.  Never have I ever not trusted him and he still hunts, rides his motorcycle but gave up the pool tournaments.  cool I still shop with friends,  and go to fancy restaurants with other family members etc.
 
Together my hubby and I go to movies,  take trips,  attended family weddings,  visit our children and grandchildren and hang out together at home.  I will keep him company while he works on his motorcycle and he helps me clean the house.  We have been married almost 40 years. I suspect you will celebrate many anniversaries together. 
 
I would agree that talking with your husband about "how you feel" would be wise.  Remember not to be accusatory ~ keep the communication lines open. You have my support. 
 
Kindly,
Kitt 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
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advice?
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/17/2010 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the advice! and Kitt I really like how you said that you tried to "change" him... when that is totally how I feel. I really am similar to your situation, only lacking on the 40 years of marriage :) but I am going to try to take him as he is because that is why I married him. I am in love with him just the way he is, so why am I trying to change him. Thank you for all the help!!

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 9/17/2010 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
advice- as I look back on the advice I gave I see I was at a different place then you are when I was a wee bit older than you and having troubles. I was already saddled with children and stuck at home for lack of money for babysitting.

If I were you- I would try and find some hobbies of your own and friends to pal around with. I never had either and I became isolated, lonely, resentful....

Sometimes the cure is- he sees you are not sitting around waiting for him so now he wants to be with you because you have something to do too. Just don't cancel your plans just because he all of a sudden decides lets be together. I've fallen into that trap too.

I will stand my ground on the fact that he does not need to be out of town to play a card game. he needs to come home at night as far as I'm concerned but maybe I am over the top.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2010 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
advice, 
 
I think you are doing great as the first year, with all the new adjustments, may be the toughest.  I wish you peace and happiness, but most of all,  I wish you love.
 
Gentle Hugs,
 
Kitt
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