hi all, jamie here.
at this point i feel like a cork in the preverbial ocean.
i am weak, tired, i am somewhat defeated by the angst
of stuff that is protruding my conciousness. sadly i am
being to not care again-this for me is bad, i have
slid into that dirty black hole again. my dreams are
continually haunting me, as if my mind says'jamie, do
not sleep' for you already know why. i am asking this
broken person who he is, as if i ever was, ah, but what
is existence if you are only killing yourself to live. i am
reverting to this idiom again. if i could just swear my
head of for 3 days straight-albeit i do not have the
energy or willingness.
my pain is getting worse. even just walking, even just
doing the dishes. sleep deprivation.......the walking dead.
at least i am walking!! depression on top of depression,
hello my name is.......just a depressive number.
numbers of numbers.......people are nowadays.......well
me just a stupid number. i have no motivation for
anything, i just want to curl in a ball and just rock....
nothing like a bit of rock n roll. sorry for the emment
darkness of this post, but i'd rather be straight up
than spin you a reflected prose that i am down but
but sadly i am out.
i exist because i do. but this is not me, nowhere even
close....nobody has really got me. my gp is getting
closer, but i too blind his eyes and ears, but maybe
he sees some, but not the darkness of my reality.
this pain is not fixable, no med, no shrink no
counsellor will....yes it is me, but i hate me. i never
use this word, not even in context, but it is true
-otherwise i wouldn't be putting myself through the
madness of my reality.
family, i only visit them, them never me. never in hospital-
bar once when i was in a clinic close to them, only so i can be
attacked by them. can somebody please cryogenically freeze me,
at least i can come back in 1000 yrs!!! you know it isn't like i have
not done anything to aide me, i have done absolutely everything.
the mad professor needs his assistants, without them i think
he will truely go mad!! sorry for the long post.
i need to stop. i apologise. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.