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THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/15/2010 5:20 AM (GMT -7)   
hi all, jamie here.
 
at this point i feel like a cork in the preverbial ocean.
i am weak, tired, i am somewhat defeated by the angst
of stuff that is protruding my conciousness. sadly i am
being to not care again-this for me is bad, i have
slid into that dirty black hole again. my dreams are
continually haunting me, as if my mind says'jamie, do
not sleep' for you already know why. i am asking this
broken person who he is, as if i ever was, ah, but what
is existence if you are only killing yourself to live. i am
reverting to this idiom again. if i could just swear my
head of for 3 days straight-albeit i do not have the
energy or willingness.
 
my pain is getting worse. even just walking, even just
doing the dishes. sleep deprivation.......the walking dead.
at least i am walking!! depression on top of depression,
hello my name is.......just a depressive number.
numbers of numbers.......people are nowadays.......well
me just a stupid number. i have no motivation for
anything, i just want to curl in a ball and just rock....
nothing like a bit of rock n roll. sorry for the emment
darkness of this post, but i'd rather be straight up
than spin you a reflected prose that i am down but
but sadly i am out.
 
i exist because i do. but this is not me, nowhere even
close....nobody has really got me. my gp is getting
closer, but i too blind his eyes and ears, but maybe
he sees some, but not the darkness of my reality.
this pain is not fixable, no med, no shrink no
counsellor will....yes it is me, but i hate me. i never
use this word, not even in context, but it is true
-otherwise i wouldn't be putting myself through the
madness of my reality.
 
family, i only visit them, them never me. never in hospital-
bar once when i was in a clinic close to them, only so i can be
attacked by them. can somebody please cryogenically freeze me,
at least i can come back in 1000 yrs!!! you know it isn't like i have
not done anything to aide me, i have done absolutely everything.
the mad professor needs his assistants, without them i think
he will truely go mad!! sorry for the long post.
 
i need to stop. i apologise. jamie.
 
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/15/2010 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
thank-you Siobhan. jamie.
can't sleep, and do not want to. nasty, nasty dreams.
you are right, gender, age, profession, means jack when your in that darn hole.
i will fight....but not tonight........the mad professor.

thx my precious friend. yes a lot of psychosis at the moment.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 9/15/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Jamie,

I truly understand what you are going through. Be good to yourself. You will get through this. I am praying for you. WE go through hard times. Life can be a struggle. But you will make it through this. I know how it is to feel like you are in the deepest darkest hole. I use to have nightmares, I got a dream catcher. It may have been in my head, but it helped. So maybe you would want to give that a try. Know that I care, I will shoot you an email this morning.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/15/2010 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
THX GUYS, YES BETTER. PS KAREN AND SIOBHAN, AM ON BOARD TO HELP WITH THE FORUM. YOU GET WELL MY DEAR. SENDING HEALINGS YOUR WAY. JAMIE. TMP.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/18/2010 4:06 AM (GMT -7)   
EVERYTHING IS CHAOTIC. JAMIE.

THE MAD PROFESSOR.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 9/18/2010 4:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hope you can find some peace- all the best to you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 9/18/2010 6:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes Jamie,

I too hope that you can find some peace and solace. You have come a long way my friend. Keep on keeping on. You will get through this and we are here to support you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/18/2010 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
thx. got sooo much stuff to sort out. can't sleep. refusing it.
seeing the doc in the morn, early start. need to be in around 8.30am.
nothing from the coroners court regarding my exemption application, the hearing is
next wed. will get a letter from my therapist as well. seeing him midday mon. will
get them to fax it off. maybe he will call them as well. will shoot of an e-mail
tomorrow to advise them. the lady, called fri night, 8pm, i deliberately did not answer.
again a 1 minute car trip to my place. i don't give a toss about rules and protocols
anymore, either she gets with the program and acts like a women and demands her
rights or we are stuffed. i will see her next week. thx, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/18/2010 6:25 AM (GMT -7)   
sorry karen, how are you? rambling i am. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 9/18/2010 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I am fine Jamie, I just wanted to say that I hope that you are feeling better today. It was raining here this morning, but turned out beautiful. I think I am going to take a walk after I make a pot of chili. Have a good one.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 9/18/2010 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
you too. thx mate.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 9/18/2010 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Jamie,
Wishing you well today. Hope the counseling appointment helps & they are able to get the inquest stuff sorted out.

blessings,
frances
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