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bluejay
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/3/2005 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I am new to this site.  I am dealing with depression for the 2nd time in my life.  For those who might be interested, I tried Cymbalta (brand new SSRI) but it didn't work for me.  I am now transitioning to Lexapro (today was 1st day) & hoping to feel better.
 
I've had 2 & 1/2 years of stress, one crisis after another.  That is what has triggered the depression.  First, my father became gravely ill for a year & I turned to alcohol to self-medicate.  My brand new marriage suffered as a result.  I then got into therapy, which helped.  My father's health improved & I was so relieved...but then I got sick myself, for 6 months.  Finally I was well, & ready to get back to living without so much fear!  Then a few months later, I found out my husband was chasing another woman, & I found this out 2 weeks after losing my beloved grandfather.  It was too much.
 
I am now separated & staying with friends.  I don't know how to start over.  I'm so scared & considering moving to another state, where I used to live.  Sometimes I miss my husband so much it hurts to breathe, but I don't trust him anymore.  He is in therapy now, working through his own problems, which is good.  But what we had feels like it has been lost.
 
I've been particularly depressed in the mornings.  I wake up & start crying & feel like I can't take the pain.  I'm 34, haven't had kids yet (I want to) & I'm about to start all over.  I feel like I don't have a home anymore; my friends have been generous letting me stay with them, but I'm living out of a suitcase & I'm so lonely.
 
Thanks for reading this; it felt good to get it out.

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 3/3/2005 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Bluejay...Sorry to hear about your depression and about your grandfather...Glad to hear your father is doing better.

You've had ALOT of crap to deal with! Wow.

Can I suggest you and your husband go to marriage councilling? You miss him and I'm sure you love him alot. What he did was a horrible mistake, and I'm sure he loves you too..Maybe through some couples therapy and if he continues working on himself, allow him to make it up to you and prove himself to you. It takes time and alot of love and forgiveness to build that trust up again. Is there any chance of getting back together with your husband? Has he come looking for you to talk? Just wondering.

A good friend of mine recently went through some thing similar, and she is back with her husband now. It is a long road for them, but they are working hard together to get through it all.

Keep posting and I hope you feel better.

Red09


bluejay
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/3/2005 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for writing.  We did go to 2 marriage counseling sessions, but I backed out of it & said I didn't want to do it anymore.  I felt that I would never be able to get over the broken trust.  And although I miss him, I still don't think I could move on to forgiveness.  I don't trust easily & he's the first person I ever gave my whole heart to.  He was very sad that I wanted to stop therapy & move out, but then he put up a wall.  He is very detached & defensive with me now.  Every time I do call him, I wind up regretting it, because things go horribly.  The other day I asked him if he ever thought of the other woman, & he said yes.  My heart broke all over again.  He said he doesn't want to be with her, but when I left & moved out, he was lonely & he had thought of contacting her but did not do it.  That fact makes me feel unsafe about trying again. 
The therapist thinks the continual stress in our lives & my husband's inability to communicate his own problems (he was taking care of my needs) contributed to his straying.  There may be truth in that, but one always has a choice NOT to betray, but rather to talk things out.
 
I made a pact with myself today, not to contact him anymore, & to try to find ways to cope with my depression.  I've been unable to sleep at night & have lost weight.  I feel myself getting worse; I've been feeling hopeless & unbearably low, sometimes alarmingly so.  I just got a prescription for night-time to help me sleep because the lack of rest is wearing me down.  Maybe the Lexapro will also help, once it takes effect. 
 
 

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 3/3/2005 9:47 PM (GMT -7)   
bluejay, I feel for ya, that seems really hard on you both. Just sad because there seems to be love left on both sides...Never say never. Maybe in time you both will find your way back to eachother...He needs to fix himself and be a wiser, stronger man before you consider taking him back. To prove to you he is trustworthy. And maybe in time, you can open the door a crack...I would just hate it for you if 5 years from now you both wondered if you gave it all you got before ending a marriage. (Yes, I am a strong believer that LOVE can get you through anything no matter what.)

If you enable your email I could email you some information to help. My friend goes to a good site which helped her out alot during her husband's affair.

For now, you're doing no contact so stay strong. Do you do cognitive behaviour therapy for your depression/anxiety? I've been doing CBT for a year and abit now and it has worked really well, I"m doing alot better. Do some yoga aswell, meditation and deep breathing...Get rest and eat well (drink enough water throughout the day) and make sure you have alot of B12 in you! Stress, depression and anxiety strips it out of our bodies so double up on the B vitamins. I am getting B12 shots now and IT HAS MADE A HUGE difference!!!!

Keep posting and feel free to ask me anything you'd like.

Red09


Hazelbug
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 3/4/2005 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi bluejay. I know how hard it is to stay away from someone you still have feelings for. This has happened to way too many times. It sounds like your making the right decision. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and once a cheater, always a cheater. Going back to him could just be setting yourself up for more dissapointment. You deserve better. It sounds like you need a fresh start. There are good guys left out there who would never cheat on you. And don't worry about being 34 and single. Sooooooo many people are waiting to have kids until their in the late thirties or early forties now. You still have a lot of time for that. My boyfriend is almost 40 and has never been married and hasn't had kids yet. He's not worried at all about his age. When your ready for it, have you ever thought about online dating? It's kind of fun to have a couple girlfriends over and read the guys profiles-even if you don't want to meet anyone that way. Some of them are pretty entertaining. And seeing how many people check out your profile is kind of a confidence booster:)

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 3/5/2005 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Blue and Gretchen...

Once a cheater, always a cheater may not always be true. Love and forgiveness is a huge part of life. We all make choices, some good and some bad...And yes, unfortunately some make really BAD mistakes. Doesn't mean that they are a bad person, just means they were not thinking and put their own needs first before their spouse. It's wrong, but is forgivable with lots of love, support, trust, honesty and marriage councilling.
She does deserve better, but until she is in a better thinking place, no harsh decisions to actually END it all should take place.

Some marriages do work out and go on to be even better...Some ofcourse, don't and end up in divorce.

Blue, I hope you're hanging in and doing OK. Post back soon.

Red09


bluejay
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/5/2005 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
 
     Hi Red, 
     Thanks for your concern; it's nice to have this outlet to express my feelings.  The therapist & I have been focusing on the relationship issues more than on me alone.  Mostly he's been hearing me vent & trying to help me to understand that my husband has his own issues to work through that had nothing to do with me.  We have not been doing CBT. 
     The thing that makes me sad is that the dr. thinks my husband was subconsciously avoiding moving to the next level in our relationship (we'd been looking at houses & talking about having a baby just before he pursued this other woman) because he has issues with intimacy & communication.  I find that very sad.  It makes me feel resentful because I'd been with him for 5 years before I married him & thought I knew him.  We'd only been married for a year & 1/2 when things went wrong.  Even though I love him still, I feel like it's a big red flag.  What if down the line, I had kids with him & he did this to me again?  He was very good at leading a double life; he acted the same with me...sent me love notes from work, told me he loved me. The fact that I even found out is a miracle, but I am very detail-oriented & began to notice that he didn't look me in the eye when he said her name.  (They were in a play together & would have rehearsals so her name did come up.)  He is an actor, & what if in the future he did this again & was able to "act" in his own home like he did before?  It just scares me.  He told me he loved me & was in love with me while he was hanging out with this woman.  I just don't understand.  That's not what I consider love to be. 

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 3/5/2005 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
OK...I understand your situation more clearly now, and thanks for sharing more detail.

Look after you then and focus on you. He needs to change and do some real soul searching to fix himself...But if he isn't willing to do that or admit he has some fears of committing and intimacy issues, that's his fault unfortunately. Can't control what he does, thinks or says...

The actor bit freaked me. I would have trouble trusting him too, now knowing that is what is going on. Does this OW know he's married and with you? He's probably playing her as well and she's more than likely falling for him.

Can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

You're right, it's not what love is supposed to be. Keep your chin up and post soon.
Hugs!

Red09


rlew
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/5/2005 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been battling depression on and off for over 15 years now. I have just come to realize that it is depression. It has affected my marriage in that my wife can not tell me for sure if she wants to stay married. It hurts so bad, she tells me she loves me but she can not affirmatively answer if she wants to remain married. We start counseling together this week. I started my own counseling over a month ago, it felt so good to be able to let all my thoughts out and my feelings, to have someone to listen to everything I have locked away inside me. Go talk to someone, it helps.

Countess Charlotte
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/6/2005 1:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Blue Jay,
 
Welcome!  I'm new here myself, and I've found it to be a very warm and safe environment.  Hope you stay.
 
I very much empathize with your morning feelings.  Everyone says "sleep it off and it'll all be gone in the morning," but we know that's not always the case.  What I started to do for myself when this happens is to surround myself with comforting things that promote positive energy.  I put little post-it notes with uplifting quotes or funny jokes, or snapshots of friends and family that make me feel good about myself on the fridge, or the bathroom cabinet.  Anywhere I would look while I'm getting ready for the day.  I also like to keep my favorite film in the VCR for the mornings I just can't get out of bed.  All of this is highly un-scientific and really doesn't solve much of anything, but it can re-route your thoughts and start to make you feel better.  I'm learning not to underestimate the healing powers of a smile.
 
That's my silly little quirk or advice.  Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.  Just know that it will get better and it will get easier.  God won't create obstacles you can't overcome.  Sometimes it just takes a longer, harder road to get there.  :-)
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