Wife Left - Needs Space

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JethroDawg
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Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/18/2011 3:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been reading these forums and have found so many situations similar to my own. I think if I share my experience in writing it may help.
 
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 8. We have had a wonderful life together (at least I thought we did). We do not have children but we have 3 dogs and own a house together. I have been married before and have older children who do not live with us.
 
My wife left two weeks ago to live with her mother about 30 minutes away. She said she is unhappy and doesn't think she is in love with my anymore. She needs time to clear her head and decide if she wants to stay married to me.
 
This is our second separation in the last 18 months. The first time I left by her request for a week. After a week, she said she missed me and we got back together and all seemed great for a while. Slowly the affection and closeness disappeared and she would joke that she feels like my roommate and not my wife.
 
I probably took her for granted at times but no more than any married couple does. She has been on antidepressants for a few years now. She has had anger issues at work and sometimes at home too. She gets annoyed at people really easily. Especially me. She told me how much I annoy her all the time.
 
This morning she told me she needs two more weeks to figure things out. When I asked her the significance of two weeks, she said this:
 
"It’s just a time period I chose. It means nothing. Just time.
I need the time to be without pizza or flower deliveries. I need to not have to get 100 text messages or phone calls. I really need this Billy. I am begging you to give me my time. I am not doing anything wrong but just clearing my head. I am going to go to a counselor and I am going to the doc for new or different medicine. I am taking all the right steps for myself but I need you to back off some."
 
She has admitted she feels depressed and confused. Maybe the medications she is on are not correct. The other problem is she gets her antidepressants from her gynecologist. She has never gone to a counselor or psycologist for antidepressants.
 
She seems very hypersenstive to anything I say. I miss her and want her back. I am willing to stand by her through better or worse but I fear she is going to give up.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/18/2011 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds to me like she is trying to work on herself. She says she is going to go to therapy. Trust her on this. Give her the two weeks space. No phone calls, no texts. Let her have that space to clear her head as she has requested. I think she is trying.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
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Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/18/2011 4:05 PM (GMT -6)   

I hope you are right Karen. She said she would go to counselling in the past but always found a way to cancel her appointments.

I love her with all my heart and soul and we have always said we were each others best friend. Now she doesnt know if she loves me anymore much less my best friend. I am looking for strength to get through the next 2 weeks and beyond because I know it is possible she may not make a decision in 2 weeks that will be a good one for us.


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/18/2011 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi JethroDawg,

I think that is the best thing to do. I am sorry that she has canceled the therapy appointments. That would be discouraging. Maybe you could try some couples counseling??? I would give her some time before I mention it though. Do you text and call her a lot? I know it is hard not to. But you do want to respect that. If she doesn't come around in the two weeks, then I would try to get on with my life and see what happens. Don't use all of your energy waiting on her. Do some things for you just because. If you know what I am trying to get at. I don't think it is healthy for one person to put so much stock in another person's opinions. You have to be you with or without her. Be your own person. Don't wait around on her decisions. Be you. Get something going for yourelf. Even if it is just taking a walk now and then. Live your life for you. I hope that you can understand what I am trying to say. I feel that we all have to do our own thing. Then meet somewhere in the middle with our partners. Sure it is great to do things together. But you still have to be able to continue on without the other person. Don't be dependant on her and her choices.

Do you go to any counseling? I highly recommend it along with the couples counseling. It would be a good way for you to get yourself straight. Your mind that is. I go to counseling and see a psychiatrist too. It really helps. I only have to go every couple of months. But it is nice to check my mind in and get some feedback from an objective sounding board. And I think that is what you need too. That way you are able to see your situation for what it actually is instead of having all these emotions clouding your view.

I do wish you the best. Keep posting and know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/18/2011 7:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been texting and emailing her a lot. She has been gone for two weeks. I wonder if I had just left her alone and gave her some time and space if she might have been coming home by now. She told me she needs at least two more weeks. I have to try to keep contact to a minimum to allow her to clear her head if I hope she will come back at all.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/18/2011 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Do keep contact to a minimum. You are right, that is what you need to do. She is asking for some space,give it to her and have faith that she will come back to you.

I think once she clears her head, things will be a lot easier.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/19/2011 6:23 AM (GMT -6)   
She called me last night to say goodnight. It was short and sweet and she still doesn't say " I love you". She has told me she feels numb and I just don't understand what that means. It is going to be a long two weeks.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/19/2011 8:15 AM (GMT -6)   
I think her feeling numb is because she doesn't know how she feels at this time. I am glad she called you though. Let her be the one to call you. If you are a little less avaliable, she will be more avaliable because she will start to wonder why you aren't there all the time. Let her sweat a little. She isn't going anywhere, I don't think. Just wants some space. That is all.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/19/2011 8:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen is so right, Jethro. Everything she has explained is just what
you need to be doing to hope that your wife comes around. If she
doesn't, you need to be prepared to live your own life and let her live
hers. Take care of you first, which I think is what Karen is also saying.

Smothering stifles, I think.

It's Genetic

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/19/2011 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
This is an email conversation we had this morning...


FROM ME:

I am sorry it is just hard to not hear "I love you" from you. When I know you do love me.
---------------------------------
From HER:

I'm sorry. I am trying to get in touch with my feelings.
-------------------------------------------

FROM ME:

I wish I knew what that means. Does it mean you dont love me
-------------------------------------------------------
FROM HER:

No, not at all.
-------------------------------------------------
FROM ME:

Ok. Can you tell me what it means so I am not so confused. I really feel like you love me but for some reason cannot say it.
---------------------------------------------------
FROM HER:

I do love you Billy, but I don't want to be forced to say it all the time right now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/19/2011 9:57 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like she feels a little stress trying to make you feel secure. Maybe she needs to heal in some way. I wouldn't give up on her. It sounds like you are a little insecure and that might be playing on her mind. Keep giving the space she needs and see what happens.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/19/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I am feeling insecure right now. It is hard not knowing if my wife is coming back or not.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/19/2011 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Try to get your mind off of it. Are you working? Do you have things that you can do to occupy your time so you aren't just sitting around waiting? I think she would support you doing things on your own. It sounds like you are very attached to her and that is not healthy for the mind. I know that this is a big thing for you, but I think she would respect you more if you were your own person.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/21/2011 11:06 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife has been very mean to me the past few days. She yells at me and tells me she hates me now. She said I annoy the hell out of her and cannot stand being around me.

She went the doctor today for a follow up female issue. She has a bacterial infection and the doctor said it is caused by hormonal imbalance and stress. Her gyno increased her antidepressants to a higher dose as well.

After she told me what happened at the doctor, she just hung up the phone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/21/2011 11:19 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like your wife is very irritated right now. Give her that space, don't get ahold of her unless she gets ahold of you first. This relationship might not work out. So keep that in mind. It is not the end of the world. You will just have a different situation. I know that you are insecure and want reassurance from her. But I think you need to respect her wishes for now.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/21/2011 12:57 PM (GMT -6)   
It would be a shame that our marriage would be ruined by something we can work on together. She has a serious hormonal imbalance. This is the second doctor that told her that.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/21/2011 3:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Hopefully she will get help for that. In the meantime, work on getting yourself better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/21/2011 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Tonight was good. We play on a adult kickball team together every Thursday night. She asked me to bring our dog with me so she could see him. That was nice. When she showed up, she had stopped by Chick Filet and brought us both something to eat before the game. We sat at a picnic table and talked. The conversation was good until I started asking her about coming home, so I quickly turned the conversation to small talk. She told me she ordered her new antidepressants online and currently does not have any.

The whole game went really well, we were having a good time and she was being really nice to me. When we said goodbye she came up to me and hugged me tight and gave me a small kiss on the lips. I told her I missed her and loved her more than anything and asked her if she would call me before bed tonight. She said would think about it. I am not going to call her tonight and wait to see what she does.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/21/2011 10:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Good Job!

I hope that you let her call you. I am glad things went so well. I am really proud of you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:04 AM (GMT -6)   
She did call me. No "I love you's or anything" Just said I am going to bed and wanted to tell you goodnight. I told her I had a good time tonight and hope she has sweet dreams.

She texted me this morning to say good morning. We made plans for her to come over on Sunday at 6PM after she has easter dinner at her Aunt's house.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Great,

It sounds like you are getting somewhere.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

JethroDawg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
She is still not on her antidepressants. She has run out. The doc increased her dosage yesterday but she has to mail her prescription in and receive it in the mail. That could take about a week. She still has not gone to her counselor. She said she is booked up and is waiting for an open appointment.

sprite11
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/22/2011 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello!

JethroDawg, this has been very helpful to me. I am in a similar mode. That is, really needing to hear those words "I love you". Asking for them, making things difficult. My situation is different: we are not married, nor do we live together and there are other dynamics that make my circumstances a little more complicated. Still, I understand your panic and need to keep things together.

Sometimes I do not need to ask and plead for the words, and I think all is okay. Then overnight, it all stops and I become this whiny, icky person. Really do not like that, but my desperation to hear him say he cares seems to overcome any common sense I might have! We are going though a time like that right now. I feel like I am going to fall apart. I too am texting him, asking questions, rephrasing if I do not get the answer I want. I can sense his frustration with me, but apparently I am hell bent on self-destruction. I keep doing it.

Gettingby's comments have given me pause and reason to take a step back and think about what I am doing, not to him, but to myself. Thank you Gettingby. I am glad that I took the time to find this page and read this dialogue. I will continue to check in frequently. Maybe this can help. It's a Lady Gaga thing: "Trapped In A Bad Romance". But I love him and I want to hang in there.

Oh! And by the way, the rest of my life is also in the toilet. I have a lot on my plate at this time. No light at the end of the tunnel and all that. My one nice thing is my children are healthy and happy. Well educated and employed. (Both recent college grads). They are the gate-keepers between me and oblivion.

Post Edited (sprite11) : 4/22/2011 12:40:11 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34979
   Posted 4/22/2011 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sprite11,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression Forum. I like to put the capitals as it looks so much more important. lol...

I am so glad that you have joined in and commented on this thread. It is hard when our insecurities surface. We all have them. Not feeling good enough and what not. I hope that everything is going better for you. Do post about things as you feel the need to. If you are comfortable with it, post a thread of your own so we can get to know you better. That is totally up to you. Some do and some don't.

I am glad that you are getting something out of what I wrote. I hope it has helped. I don't always have the answers, but I have some experience in this and I have learned. When the other person is under pressure, it makes it difficult. But we all have our problems and out thoughts. We are entitled to that. lol... Whether we want it or not.

I hope that this finds you having a good day. I could use a little sunshine myself, I don't know where it went.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Botak 42
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/10/2011 8:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I have just been reading about a wife wanting space and I am in a similar world of pain at the moment.  My wife of 18 years (She is 42) left me a month ago and is now in a flat.  It all came about when she told me that she had been having an affair.  The sad thing is that the same night, she wanted to make love to me, our sex life has always been great, and I said no because of the way she had been over the previous few days, I said I tink your having an affair and then she hit me with it. 
 
She left the following day to her mums house, saying she needed time and space to sort her head out.  She said that the affair was over but even lied about who it was at first (to protect me) but I found out.  She continued to see him for about another week before it was ended, but I'm not 100% sure that it has.  I have spoken to him and his wife and they are working on their marriage, me well I'm in limbo. 
 
She told me today that she regretted the afffair but that she does not know now if she will get any feelings back for me and can make no promises.  She says the affair is definately over.  She has had a number of the symptoms of perimenopause and she is going to the Doctors tomorrow and is wanting to see a pyschotherapist.  I just do not know what to do.  In 2007, I was deeply unhappy and had an affair which she knows about, I came to my senses and I thought we had moved on, but we lost her dad just after my affair and she is now saying that my affair has given her doubts for the past four years, she has not got over the loss of her Dad and is re-evaluating her life.   I would never of had another affair, it hurt her so much and I have tried to devote my life to her since, she is the only reason I get up in the morning.  I feel so alone and so helpless, I just do not know what to do anymore?
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