Holding onto hope

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Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/12/2005 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   

So I've been browsing through the different subjects and read the responses too... Seems that it all boils down to having a goal, a dream, or a reason to make our life worth it for ourselves. But see that's the part I get stuck at. I've tried making my job my life. I work with people who have mentally illness, everything from mild depression to chronic and persistent schizophrenia. I thought that helping people would make me feel better, but it didn't. I’ve tried focusing on finding my natural mother, found her and that to proved to be slightly disappointing. But the cool thing is I found her and we do have a relationship. Tried focusing on having a family. The thing is I have no children of my own, and any time I tried to get involved with some one who has, I’m only invited into the families a little, and at their convenience. Makes a person feel like there is some thing wrong with them. (Oh, if I only could find that one thing) So it makes me feel insecure and feel like I’ve failed again. So then what’s next, a new goal. Hmm… I’m get stuck again because I’m afraid of screwing it up again. Yet I enter into the same insanity and expect different results every time. I expect something bad to happen to me to the point of almost willing it to happen. Then when it does happen, I hate myself for being right.

 

So now I am thinking about giving spirituality a whirl. Can’t hurt right? I have to at least hold on to the hope that I will find my niche. Just wish I didn’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone nudge you along. confused

snohare
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2088
   Posted 3/12/2005 10:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm too ill to post a proper reply tonight, but I'll get back to you Melli. Meantime, your mission impossible (should you choose to accept it) is - go smell a rose in bloom. nono It is possible, even at his time of year !

Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/12/2005 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
You know it's interesting that you should tell me to stop and smell the roses. I was just thinking earlier that maybe I would go for a hike in the woods tomorrow. Suppose I could go to the local green house or nursery too. Thanks

Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 3/13/2005 12:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Melli,
 
I understand completely what you are relating, but, you are being way too hard on yourself. In order to get a goal or a relationship going on the right track, you have to understand your issues and then deal with them. You can't find your nitch without finding yourself. We all have the similar problem, I gues. I know I do. There are times in my life when I feel "no one likes me". I have the Lord on my side and that's the BIG guy.If you mean what you say, go for it. After, what have you got to lose if you have nothing at all. You have not cause you ask not. Ask and ye shall receive. God bless!
 
H2LF 
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 3/13/2005 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Melli,

I feel the same most of the time , and i continusly search for my new self and what i can do in this life , that is after i got rid of my addiction behavoiur that was ruling my life before. key is never give up , the ball keeps rolling and the clock keeps tiking^^

Spirtual side is a good thing to discover, specially if you haven't looked at it before. my friend ran through deppresion in his 20s and he decided to forget about his religion and everything he was taught in school ( he was a muslim ). and he did as much re-search as possible on all available religions by discussing them with religuis people and opening his mind. he even researched budasim and such. and he said researching for the truth was fullfilling for him , in the end he came back to his roots ( islam ) but he said he was a better person because he was knowledgable about all faiths.. and a better muslim since after all most religions provide the same basic concepts just do it in their own way etc.
                                                     To be or not to Be


Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/13/2005 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Akram, Having2leftfeet, and Snohare for responding to my post. I did try to take Snohare's advise to stop and smell the roses, but couldn't find an open nursery or green house.. Not sure if they were closed due to it being Sunday or winter. I could have gone to the local grocery store, but crowds make me nuts.. I did go out and hike a bit in the woods instead. I found a fallen tree to sit on for a while to contemplate my next move. There was no bolt of lightening or no sudden epiphany but what I did come up with was to keep plodding along, something is bound to happen. Maybe I'm just looking too hard for the "right" answers. The whole let go and let God adage comes to mind here. Which brings me to my spiritual path. I may have to do some studying and research on what is going to work for me. Maybe I should have hugged a tree while I was out there.. I dunno… It couldn’t have hurt…

Mildewval
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 1229
   Posted 3/13/2005 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Mellie- In my opinion it is not about goals, it is about finding something you like and building a goal around that. It sounds like you enjoy the outdoors, flowers, etc. I am like that to and have had many accomplishments that have come from those things. I have a garden, that I dote over constantly. I have learned many of the migrating birds in my area, and I have learned more about each one, then just what they look like. I have also learned the native plants and trees in my area (there are a lot. I live in the Pacific NW.). I know those things aren't going to get me the big house, nice car, etc. But they do make me happy, just taking the time to learn about my environment, plus I get to share my knowledge with friends and strangers I come across on a trail. And the gardent I mentioned, the one in my front yard has over 30 differnt kinds of flowers in it, and when people walk by they smile, and stop to smell them. That is a great thing as well. Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.  
 


Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/14/2005 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
ok well now its Monday morning and the weirdest thing happened at work. About 9am this morning the FedEx guy comes in and delivers me 18 beautiful roses. Unfortunately there was no tag or anything saying who it was from. Now I know that Snohare told me in an earlier post to find a rose in bloom and smell it. I was unable to find any roses over the weekend but wow this is too much! I only mentioned what Snohare had said to me to 2 different people and I asked them both if they sent the roses and both said no. So now I am sitting here in my office having people stop in to tell me how beautiful they are and ask who they are from. All I can tell them is that an Angel must be looking out for me. And yes, I've smelled them several times already today. Very Nice! Just thought I would keep ya all posted...

Melli

snohare
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2088
   Posted 3/14/2005 4:34 PM (GMT -7)   
As we say here in Scotland, "it wisnae me, honest !"  (If only I had the money !  eyes ) But I'm glad someone "rose" to the challenge. tongue
Life is like that. Good things - and yes, bad things - come out of the blue and knock you off your feet, for no easily discernible reason. And it's because we don't know what the morrow will bring that (as the old Roman saying goes) we should "Carpe diem" - seize the day ! yeah  Of course we can't all live every day as if it were our last, the police would arrest us. nono But it certainly pays to remember that every day could be our last.
I discovered this one week lying in hospital, waiting to find out whether or not I had osteosarcoma (bone cancer), which had a survival rate of 20%. The first line of treatment was immediate amputation of my leg, the second line of defense was to make a will. When they X-rayed my rib cage to see if it had spread I really began to panic. I knew that if it had, I had about six months.
It turned out that the original X-ray, taken because of my sore knee, had shown a shadow because the radiographer had not rolled up my trouser leg far enough....
tongue  I was not inclined to sue. I considered the change in my perspective cheap at the price.
Funnily enough, it was about then that I started to smell flowers.

Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/14/2005 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
So how does one be grateful for what they do have when they feel they have nothing to be grateful for? I mean, every day I see people who are in worse condition than I am, financially, emotionally, and physically. Certainly my life could be a lot worse. Well maybe that's just it. I need to take joy in what I do have around me, like family and friends, my job, my apartment etc… I've been told I need to put things in perspective. Which I agree, but how? Gratitude list don't seem to work for me I’ve tried that. I've gone to self-improvement classes to learn how to be in better relationships, and how to give as well as receive. That doesn't seem to work for me either. I've read books on depression to get a better understanding, but I know what’s wrong with me and why my brain doesn't work like "normal" people. I've been in and out of counceling almost all my life; there isn’t anything they could tell me that I haven’t heard already. I've taken medications before that always left me way too tired, and I have no trouble sleeping, or too hyper and bouncing off the walls with racing thoughts. I love the outdoors, and have been walking along river trails lately. At the moment it doesn’t seem to be helping. Although I am going to keep doing it till I get sick of it I guess... Hoping it will help though, can’t hurt. So I am totally at a loss as what to do next. One of my friends keeps telling me to keep trying new things till I find one I really enjoy. I keep trying and nothing seems to be the thing that helps. I’m loosing a little more and more of the hope everyday, with not much faith that I will ever really find what I am looking for.


Melli - "It's my belief we all secretly ask ourselves at one time or another, "Am I crazy?" In my case, the answer came back a resounding "Yes".

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