Thanks Having2LeftFeet for your time and words of advice. I know that some times I can be very negative and it drives people away. It is something that I’ve been working on for a very long time with not much relief for myself or others. Some times I try so hard not to be so negative. I really don’t like feeling like this, but most times I can’t help it. I call it my “Impending Doom Syndrome”. My glass is always half empty and ready to crack. As for always wanting to talk about myself, well I will be talking to someone about something pertaining to their life and it always seems to remind me of something that happened to me. I try to pay attention to what others are saying, I really am interested in what they are talking about, but it always ends up the same. My friend calls it my "Back to Me Syndrome". I have taken classes on effective listening skills and I really try to apply them, but it always seems to fail.
Today I began looking into counseling again. It’s not something that I can really afford, but my insurance covers half the cost for 12 visits per year. It’s not a lot but I have to do something. I can’t go on feeling like this forever and driving away the people I love the most. Or even potential loved ones. Someday I want to argue about bills and car payments with someone you know. I know that looking stuff up on the Internet is about to drive me bonkers. Self-diagnoses are so easy online. I could say that I have everything from mild depression to borderline personality disorder. So I’m thinking that I need that help of a professional now. Let’s hope I can find one that doesn’t drain my budget.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
Akram, I have been on meds in the past always to find that the side effects either make me feel more tired than usual or too hyper and unable to get good sleep. Next week I am restarting therapy with someone new, and I am going to try to remain open to her suggestions. If she suggests meds, we will discuss the side effects of the ones I have taken, and try something new. I have never been on Effexor, so maybe it will work. Who knows. At this point I am ready to try anything the new therapist suggests. Maybe even a combination of meds is what I need. Time will tell.
I've always had a problem with my perspectives. My glass has always been half empty and ready to crack. I think it is an issue more than meds are able to help with alone. I'm always expecting something bad to happen to me in my life, the car breaking down, someone leaving me, or whatever. It’s been an issue of mine since I was a child, that and my self image. I remember being in extensive 5-day a week group therapy as a teenager. Every week we had to come up with a goal we wanted to work on. It seemed that mine always revolved around praising and loving myself. They were basically trying to teach me to not need people in my life to validate me. I think I need a refresher course. Somehow I need to be ok enough with myself to not depend on other people so that I can eventually give my portion to a healthy relationship and stop sucking the life out of people. So we will see what happens in therapy. I just don’t want to become dependant on this new person.