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Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/14/2005 7:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Over the last few days I've thought about the possibility of me being a dependant person. Which in turn makes me feel more like crap about myself. It’s true that I need people in my life to tell me how wonderful and how loved I am. I constantly need approval from someone. So the question is why do I need that from other people? The answer is obvious. I don't love myself enough to be able to say I’m beautiful and I love me. So I ask myself, why don't I love myself? I have a good career, I'm responsible, I have good morals and judgment, I’m fun, and I’m a good listener etc… And more questions pop into my head. If I am all of these awesome wonderful things, why aren’t I in a lasting and loving relationship and why don’t I have friends wanting my company? Why do all my friends act like I am such a drag to be around? So again another question comes to mind. Why do I need to have people around me? Well doesn’t everyone have some need for someone in his or her life? We all would be hermits if we didn’t right? So what makes me so different from everyone else in the world? What is it about me that drive people away? Is there only one thing or is it a multitude of things? I guess I’m looking for answers here that I probably will never find, I know, but dang something’s got to give here. Well I guess at this point I’m looking for insight. Thanks…. Melli

Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 3/15/2005 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Melli,
 
I printed out your post so I could go through it line by line. My short term memory is not very good.
 
Believe it or not, I can relate as this sounds like the old me. The "needing to feel loved and get attention and approval" from others. My answer for me is that I lacked attention as a child because my brother, who was born when I was seven, had a rare disease which consumed all my Mom's attention and then on top of that, she had my baby sister when she was 41, hence, I basically raised her because once again, my brother took my Mom's attention. I didn't have any resentment for him. I was just lost and alone. I was a under acheiver in grade school because of it, I reeked havoc at home, gave my parents a hard time and did anything I could for attention. My other 2 older sisters had their own lives and eventually married. My mom had my sister 10 months shy of my oldest sister having my nephew making my sister, now 41 to mine and her nephew less than a year younger than her.
 
Your question for loving yourself means that you are lacking something in your life as I was and still am. Do you feel lost, absent, unloved, lacking attention, lacking friends, not enough attention from other family members? I did too and I stopped talking about myself to them in family functions. I had the need to be the center of attention at all family dinners and such. I was the "class clown" and there for everyone's amusement. Trouble is, as the saying goes, "laughing on the outside and crying on the inside".  I was so busy trying to get attention that I forgot to give it all to my X husband and girls who are now grown and turned out great. They got 70% and I got 30%.
 
Your current friends may see you as a "drag" because perhaps you "dote" on yourself or talk about yourself too much. You may want to shift your conversations from yourself to them. After all, they have lives too and I'm sure need someone to listen to them instead of you "overflowing" onto them. They are most likely sick of hearing your gripes and complaints. (this was me) We all need to have people and loved one's around us at times, but the aforementioned still applies to that question. Shift the subject to them. Stop the "why me" syndrome. (me)
 
Negative sentences will not get you friends. I am referring to the last few lines stating "I guess I am looking for answers and will probably NEVER find them here. That is a negative. Instead of the "glass is half empty" try the "glass is half full" thing. You need to turn things around. Remember action causes reaction. What about me? Well I have 3 sisters that don't know I exist, my Mom is 84 and loves me and we are close. As for my brother? He dies one week before his 18th birthday.  My husband does everything for me after 23 yrs of marriage as I am ill, (Lupus), my daughters have 5 kids between them, beautiful and healthy, they don't talk to me. So, how do I handle this? They are in denial of my disease first of all. When I developed epilepsy, they really turned their backs. They profess to be christians but that's not for me to jusge as the Lord will when they get to the pearly gates. I have turned my life around and I pray a lot and never talk about myself or my problems to anyone other than my Mom, husband or mother-in-law and doctors only because they care.  I guarantee if you stop the "poor me" syndrome and the "pitty parties", you will begin to acquire friends or get your old ones back. This is the best darn advice I can give you, kiddo. Take it from a veteran self-absorbed person. I know. Love yourself, think that your life can will be better. Focus on being stronger and set your sites on others and away from yourself. Seek counseling if you have to but don't waste any more time. It is way to precious. Live your days as if they are the last. Do not look back now. Only look ahead. Look for a good future and I will pray for you.
 
Hugs
H2LF  
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/15/2005 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Having2LeftFeet for your time and words of advice. I know that some times I can be very negative and it drives people away. It is something that I’ve been working on for a very long time with not much relief for myself or others. Some times I try so hard not to be so negative. I really don’t like feeling like this, but most times I can’t help it. I call it my “Impending Doom Syndrome”. My glass is always half empty and ready to crack. As for always wanting to talk about myself, well I will be talking to someone about something pertaining to their life and it always seems to remind me of something that happened to me. I try to pay attention to what others are saying, I really am interested in what they are talking about, but it always ends up the same. My friend calls it my "Back to Me Syndrome". I have taken classes on effective listening skills and I really try to apply them, but it always seems to fail.

 

Today I began looking into counseling again. It’s not something that I can really afford, but my insurance covers half the cost for 12 visits per year. It’s not a lot but I have to do something. I can’t go on feeling like this forever and driving away the people I love the most. Or even potential loved ones. Someday I want to argue about bills and car payments with someone you know. I know that looking stuff up on the Internet is about to drive me bonkers. Self-diagnoses are so easy online. I could say that I have everything from mild depression to borderline personality disorder. So I’m thinking that I need that help of a professional now. Let’s hope I can find one that doesn’t drain my budget.


Melli - "It's my belief we all secretly ask ourselves at one time or another, "Am I crazy?" In my case, the answer came back a resounding "Yes".


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 3/15/2005 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Just adding that it is very easy to see all the bad in ourself rather than the good. I found that it is important to take the time each day to find things I am grateful for. It is not always easy but it is an important thing for me to do each day to get through the negative feelings I have about myself. Goodluck and let me know how things are going.
 

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

 
Randy


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 3/17/2005 4:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Melli are you on medication? i think you might need some medication talk to your doctor about effexor maybe it will help you look on the bright side and stop focusing on the glass being half empty.. just a suggestion.. it seems like your suffering a lot everyday
                                                     To be or not to Be


Melli
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/17/2005 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Akram, I have been on meds in the past always to find that the side effects either make me feel more tired than usual or too hyper and unable to get good sleep. Next week I am restarting therapy with someone new, and I am going to try to remain open to her suggestions. If she suggests meds, we will discuss the side effects of the ones I have taken, and try something new. I have never been on Effexor, so maybe it will work. Who knows. At this point I am ready to try anything the new therapist suggests. Maybe even a combination of meds is what I need. Time will tell.

 

I've always had a problem with my perspectives. My glass has always been half empty and ready to crack. I think it is an issue more than meds are able to help with alone. I'm always expecting something bad to happen to me in my life, the car breaking down, someone leaving me, or whatever. It’s  been an issue of mine since I was a child, that and my self image. I remember being in extensive 5-day a week group therapy as a teenager. Every week we had to come up with a goal we wanted to work on. It seemed that mine always revolved around praising and loving myself. They were basically trying to teach me to not need people in my life to validate me. I think I need a refresher course. Somehow I need to be ok enough with myself to not depend on other people so that I can eventually give my portion to a healthy relationship and stop sucking the life out of people. So we will see what happens in therapy. I just don’t want to become dependant on this new person.


Melli - As soon as humankind began to discover the truth about itself, we began to find ways to cover up that truth. But maybe that's for the best: Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

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