depressed and hate myself

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darkcloud22
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/30/2005 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Im new to this posting, but I thought it might help get this out here, since Ive been depressed for almost two months, because of the breakup of a great relationship that I took for granted. I was with this girl for years, but I treated her horribly. I cheated on her almost the entire time together with my ex; I think I did it because me and my ex had such great sexual chemistry, but really nothing else. God, it just tears me up to even say it, I sound like such an evil person. The girl who finally got smart and dumped me was amazing; we were best friends and she was my rock, my support, pretty much my life revolved around her, and yet I kept hurting her. I feel like a criminal, because I only stopped hurting her when she would find out; then I would start up again. I have such feelings of self loathing I cannot sleep, have thought about suicide (but I really dont think I would ever take such a drastic step), and am on 3 meds (for anxiety, sleeplessness, and depression). I know its only been two months, but it has totally messed up my schooling, Im 25 and was doing great in law school before this happened. I absolutely hate myself for how I treated her, and how I gave into lust and being such a liar. I just feel undeserving of ever having someone love me again, because of my actions..I am not the victim here of someone else's actions, I am the scumbag cheater who every woman would probably want to avoid. I try not to ruminate, but every day I think about how rediculous I was. I guess I just wanted to get that out there...

RainDance
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 253
   Posted 3/30/2005 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and welcome.

Well, they say, "confession is good for the soul."  And that is what you have done here today.

Have you also done the same to the gal you hurt?  Confessed your wrong to her and apologized and sought her forgivness?  She may not, for a while, but ask.

You will heal from this and, you will learn from it; learn appreciation for others; for your relationships.

Sounds like it was a process to hold up a mirror to you.  The wise person will come away from this and understand what not to do, in the future.

What you are feeling now is regret and sorrow for many different aspects of your actions.  These feelings will soften as time passes.

It won't be easy but, "swallow your pride," seek her out and tell her of your discoveries and that you are torn up because of it.  Mend your bridges and you will feel better.

Good luck and keep us posted.


RainDance
 
Don't forget.. Drink your water.. :)


darkcloud22
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/30/2005 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I wish I could confess to her and receive some sort of forgiveness or even some acknowledgement, but I fear that may be impossible as she has told me not to contact her and to stay out of her life.

Its hard to not feel like a criminal; I committed the classic mistake of doing things just because I could, and karma is real; It came right back around, and justice I feel was served in that I am now suffering for what I did. But I know I will change because of this, its just sunk me into such a state of depression and disgust with myself. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple weeks now, so i feel Im doing everything medically and psychologically that I can. I just need to give myself time to get over this; I know I will never forget how I acted to bring such hurt to myself and another, but I think since it happened I have gradually tried to realize there is hope for me still.

CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 3/31/2005 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Cloud,

I know it is difficult to face ourselves when we realize we have made a terrible mistake that hurt innocent people, especially ones we care about. There are many organizations that can help you come to terms with yourself, overcome the guilt, and find value in who you are. If you would like more information, please email me. I hope you find relief soon. Please keep use posted on how you are doing.
 

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

 
Randy


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 3/31/2005 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  Glad you found us. Depression is a real illness and without support, even professional or group, you can flip-flop alone for a long time. You can't heal alone. It is very hard to come to terms with depression alone.
 
One thing you have already recognized is that you have a problem and came to terms with them and are reaching out for support. As for the sexual encounters with your X, that is a tough blow to take. (we are honest) I am a very firm beliver in keeping marriage vows. I am also a firm believer that the Lord is there for me and He glide me every day. He also gives me a "flea-flicker" when I need it. I would have to question whether you were 100% dedicated to your friend and lover. As you described, she sounds like a wonderful person and remember you hurt her. Lets not mistake actions and reactions. It was probably time for her to learn of your infedility, hence the sleeplessness and the loathing. That tells me that you do have a conscience. See, you are not a hopeless case. There is hope. As for suicide, we don't like to talk about that. We are more interested in positive advice rather than negative. Suicide is a terrible thing and isn't fair to anyone who knows the victim.The End!
 
Does she (your girl) know how you feel? Did you ask for forgivness or did it go too far for her to forgive, (once is too much for me). It's is good you made your feelings clear and now it's time to "dump" them and get on with your life.
 
This is the real deal. You can't change what you did. You did it and you hurt someone. You can't go back in time and fix it. The thing you can learn is that you can't hurt someone without the ramifications. You should concentrate on your studies and get your career taken care of. Perhaps you will be ready for a serious commitment to someone. Please don't think you are a hopeless case. You have to face the music, trim your sails and keep on going! You will have friends here!
 
"Lefty" smurf
  
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 3/31/2005 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome darkcloud, you have to make a new journey and learn from what happened and somehow not let it negativly affect you negativly for the rest of your life.

First talk to your self and decide what you want to be , how you want to be in the future then commit your self to doing what you believe in. that woman might not forgive you or look at you again in the same way, because of what she does so you have to deal with the possibility that you won't be toghether again , not saying you should not try , if your going to try you have to give her time and work on your self in the time being.

This might be a wake-up call for you , what happened before is the past, now you have to deal with the future, focus on how you going to be a better person and not do this type of thing again..
                                                     To be or not to Be


Charlie 2
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 3/31/2005 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi darkcloud.

What you've got to remember is that everone makes mistakes, but the best people learn from them. I can tell that you love her alot, and she is the best thing in your world. The question is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
The girl you love will probably be quite surprised if you try an contact her now after two months, she thinks you like your ex.
You should try to contact her, what have you got to lose? How long had you been going out? How serious was yhe relationship?

:-)

darkcloud22
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/31/2005 10:36 PM (GMT -7)   
i think i actually hit bottom last week; because today I felt better. maybe its the meds startin to kick in, or me being committed to being a better person or some positive outlook im trying to convey to myself, or a combination of them all, but today I didnt feel as hopeless as I did the day before, which I can only take as a good thing.

as for tryin to contact this girl, I already did that 3 wks ago, and she had her friend call me up to tell me I have to leave her alone. the relationship was as serious as they come, I wanted to marry this girl, but obviously my psychological problems of committment and falling prey to my lustful weakness go in the way; Id give all my limbs, my money, all my possessions just to have her even talk to me again, but she has made it pretty explicit she doesnt want me to contact her. I fear if i try she will think Im a stalker. What makes it worse is seeing her everyday in class; she wont even look my way. If i tried to say hi im sure shed just ignore me. Once again I cannot blame her, this was my problem that I couldnt recognize until it cost me losing her completely.

but I feel like im turning a corner towards being able to really concentrate on my work again, which I am happy about, and I feel now I can gradually get over this. Thanks for all the support; depression has me now, but I think I can climb out eventually.

Charlie 2
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 4/1/2005 3:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Love is a very annoying thing, you've obviously been hurt by it. Its clear that you are changing yourself and because you are in class with this girl everyday i think she might start noticing it. After a while she may even start talking to you again, you never know.
I think you're doing the right thing by trying to concentrate on your work, it will help take your mind off things.
Good luck with everything!!!!!

tongue
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