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Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 4/6/2005 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I was wondering how you deal with family or people close to you that don't understand depression.  I have people in my family that have made some cruel statements about my sadness.  You have probably heard them.  You spend all that money just to talk to someone.  You pay someone to care about you.  Just buck up.  Your life is not that bad why are you so sad all the time. What do you do all weekend?  Why do you sleep so much?
 
I just had a heated argument with my brother about this topic and I get off the phone and it pushed that button that sensitive button and just puts me in a tailspin of all those negative emotions. Even though I know that he is wrong about the just buck up thing, I beat up myself because there is a part of me that wishes so badly that I could snap out of this underlying sadness that consumes my evenings.  I hate this condition so badly but I keep telling myself that it will get better but it doesn't make the pain any less. I do think about suicide and wanting somehow to rest from all of this emotion but I take one day at a time and most days its sucks but I have promised myself and my counselor that I would stay alive and keep moving forward.  Why does things have to be so hard?
 
Does anyone have suggestions to deal with unsupportive family and friends?  How do I handle these situations without getting so upset about it?
 
 

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/6/2005 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Cloudy,

Well . . . I can tell you MY experience . . . my husband didn't 'understand', but he was supportive of me getting some help. But, my mom just thought I could 'will myself' to do more and to feel better. By nature, I have always been a very happy, positive person . . . but when depression hits it changes everything. Anyway . . . way after I was feeling better and more able to cope with a discussion like this, I explained it like this:

I feel like I am down in a deep, dark well. No ladder, no rope, no blanket, no pillow, just a deep dark well. You and everyone else around me keep walking back and forth up above and occassionally yell down at me, "hey, Rosie, . . . you are in a hole . . . you should climb out and come up here with the rest of us!" and then I say, "I have no ladder or rope, please help me!" . . . but nobody hears . . . they just keep walking before they can realize that I REALLY DO NEED HELP.

Mom understood better from this story and it made her teary (I didn't mean for that to happen . . . Mom is the best!). But from that story she understood a little better how it is to be depressed.

Now . . . your meds and your counseling are the ladder and the rope. Ta daaaa

Especially men will understand a 'word picture' better than a definition. So try a story that your family can relate to. If it makes sense, you are welcome to use my story.

I sure hope this helps a little.

P.S. Make sure you discuss your thoughts of suicide with your doctor or counselor. Thinking about it, even just a little, is a big red flag that you should get some advice from a professional. If you'd rather be annonymus there are suicide hot lines in the phone book and on the web. We really care about you here, but we are not trained for dealing with things like that.

I'm glad you are posting . . . it helps me, and others.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms: 139

UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance
I have no medical training. 
The message above is my sincere attempt to share with you.  You are now my friend.  Thanks for being here.

Post Edited (AlwaysRosie) : 4/6/2005 10:30:56 PM (GMT-6)


dbab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 4/7/2005 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Cloudy,

I know how you feel. Before my husband really knew that depression was an illness he would say to me "Why don't you believe in God?" This hurt me tremendously because the only reason that I was still fighting for my life was because of God.  Many people who DON'T REALLY know what depression is thinks that you can just snap in and out of it. They think that you are just being lazy, moody, or selfish.

It may help if you ask the closest members of your family to go to a "Ask the Dr" session in therapy with you. I dragged my husband kicking and screaming but he learned a lot more about me and my illness and learned what he could do to support me through the bad times. I hope everything goes okay for you. Please keep us updated.

Hugs,
dbab


"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you."
- John De Paola

Post Edited (dbab) : 4/7/2005 6:34:17 AM (GMT-6)


stumpytroll
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 4/7/2005 6:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cloudy,
I've been lucky as my closest family and friends have ben supportive - don't think anyone who hasn't experienced depression themselves can really understand. The advice from previous posts is very good - but remember too that your nearest and dearest may be very frightened by your condition, especially if you have always been an apparently strong and positive person. Suddenly they have to cope with the day to day things that you usually did, and siblings may fear developingb the same illness.
Finding this site has been a Godsend for me - you have found a new and large family - we understand and will try to support you.
Agree with Rosie re suicidal thoughts - I acted on mine. The distress this caused to my husband, sons and closest friends was appalling. It didn't solve the problems, only gave me more to beat myself up with. Take it from me - no matter how bad things are they sure beat the alternative.
Hang in there, get all the professional help you need and keep posting. Will watch for your posts.

Love and hugs

Stumpytroll

Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 4/7/2005 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
confused  Dear Cloudy,
I sat here a while wondering how to address your situation, one of which I am VERY fimiliar with. First and foremost, depression is an illness not to be taken lightly. People who do not suffer depression are clueless. Some of them have depression but block it out or feed it in other ways. I can only respond using my situation so bear with me. First and foremost, YOU are not the one who is causing your depression. The circumstances that surround us and situations we are in and our ability or inability to handle them is the cause. Number 2, don't beat yourself up on this. We often do that and winde up ever more depressed. Number 3, do not let your depression "overflow" on tho others as it will push them away ever further, ask me I know. People are people and they don't want to be around someone that complains a lot or looks sad and depressed all the time, doesn't smile of laugh or even care about how they act or how they look. I once again can relate. Unfortunately, if family and /or friends were accepting and caring unconditionally, the Psych's would have no patients. The truth is that over 2/3 of the population are depressed, especially now with all the terrible things that have happened over the past years to our country and the world. Losing loved one's over seas, children being molested and kidnapped and innocent people dying and much more would cause great depression. That's human nature. I was once told that if I wanted sympathy, it was in the dictionary. I was once told by my own daughther who is 32 yrs old that "I get whatever I deserve". I think that was the most dispicable and deplorable thing that a child, 32 or 2 could say to their parent. She was referring  to my marital issues with her step-father and even though they had nothing to do with her, she "kicked me" while I was down. She can be very calus and unkind at times even though I love her as much as I do my 34 yr old daughter. She just has a "big mouth " and doesn't have a tactful bone in her body.Come to find out that her life wasn't as rosey as she let on and was probably giving me her "overflow" as people with depression do. We often like to put our troubles on some elses shoulders so we can lighten the load. Remember, this is from personal experience.
 
Once again, people are people and tend to shy away from those of us who have depression like it is catching. The thing that they are trying to do is escape from the depressed person so they can avoid listening to their problems and gripes, whether they are from illness or lifestyle. It's like, "Oh God, here she comes...I don't want to listen to her complaining again....run!!!!" I have finally come to the place where I took the focus off myself and put it on others. After all, it's not their fault I am depressed. I was only thinking about myself and have a full blown, life time, "pity party". I never took the time to listen to their problems or didn't even give them a chance to. Depression is something that only we can deal with ourselves. Others probably have their own issues and then we dump on them and they have too much, ergo, they collapse under the "weight" of ours and their depression issues. No one wants to be around someone who is negative, whines, nags and bellyaches all the time. Once again, they RUN when they see us coming.
 
OK...now I will tell you what I have done but you will have to figure this out for yourself. First off, you are hurting and feel alone. That's a no brainer. Now when I call family on the phone, I ask them how THEY are doing and if everything's OK with them, how the family is, how is the weather, what about the Red Sox, whatever it takes to eliminate the discussion  and the limelight off me. When they ask, I tell them I am fine. Even if I'm not, I say I am. After all, I called them so why should I moan and groan at my convenience. When the hang up the phone, they think to themselves, "Gee, she didn't have one negative thing to say". BINGO....NOW YOU GOT IT! Then the next time you talk to them, they will be more apt to feel like you will do the same thing. You do and you have earned a bit more foundation from the person you are talking to. After all, you wouldn't build your house on sand, would you? No, of course not. It would crumble from the weight and the force of the waves. Waves are the problems we have that cause depression. I did this with every person in my family and they is a lot of em'. About 20 to be exact. All I did was take the spotlight off me and shine it on then and in turn, they became more sympathitic and kinder and didn't feel like they couldn't "answer the phone" when the caller ID said it was me. See where I am going? Little by little they allowed me back into the fold. We still have our issues but they had subsided a lot. I have a disease that is not curable and carries a lot of sub-diseases with it. That's what I used as the base of my "overflows" on them. Once again, I don't do that any more. Now I just tell my Mom and my Shrink. It's all about the negatives and positives. Either the glass is half empty or half full. It's how we presume things to be. After this lecture, I hope I have helped you. I with someone would have helped me but that's OK. At least I finally got it!
 
God bless
"Lefty" smurf     
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


Flaminguts
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 962
   Posted 4/7/2005 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I can understand how people can't understand, because I remember what I was like and how I thought before I was diagnosed with Crohns, now everything seems different.
I used to think, anti depressants are for people that don't know how to deal with life... Now I am on them because I found myself in a rut the size of texas, not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone, and it is an awful feeling and something I now know that you can't 'will' away.

Before all this started, I was a cadet in a military academy, was very hardcore, tough, and I held every leadership position I could manage. I was in sports in HS and college. A year after graduation the CD hit me really hard and since then I haven't had any motivation to do much of anything. I was booted from the Navy on a medical, and now I am probably going to lose my current job as well. So I guess you could say I know what it is like to feel depressed now, and without meds I don't think I could possibly shake it.

If you had asked me about this topic 3 years ago I would have said " Thats BS" or "Im tougher than that, I can handle it" But I realized just a few weeks ago when I broke down crying to my mother that life is just not that simple anymore.

I think your family will understand you eventually. My folks are starting to understand what CD has done to me, including the depression. It takes time though, and hopefully soon you will be okay, and the meds or therapy will work for you. I hope the meds work for me, I am not very good at talking to people so the therapy might be a wash... But I will try since my doctor suggested it. I know that having chronic illness, surgery, all while trying to keep your job and please your spouse has been alot for me- talking about it is all well and good, but it is a physical depression as well as mental.

Anyways, I am ranting now. Good luck to you.
"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid"
 Gen. Eisenhower


Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 4/7/2005 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone for all of your support and encouragement.  My family while very precious can be very judgemental.  I truly think that they mean well it can just come across a little harsh.  After giving myself some time to reflect on it I realize that my brother probably doesn't understand the complexity or depth of my depression. I am finding out that when I do open up I just end up feeling disappointed and hurt.  My brother actually said that you actually pay someone to "care" for you.  He can be very confrontational and I don't respond to that well
 
 
I do spend most of my time/day trying very hard to distract myself from my emotions and thoughts.  I have a job where there is never a dull moment and while it can be exhausting working with children... It has been a blessing because it has kept me focused and grounded.  It is when I am by myself that my emotions start to resurface and the sadness and frusturations.
 
I think that I have to let go of this ideal that my family will ever completely understand.  Perhaps they may be part of the problem.  I am an adult and must settle in to that reality at one time.  I  am trying to work on moving forward but it is such a long road...... How do you stay grounded when you feel like such a mess???
 
By the way my therapist and I have an agreement between each other about the suicide thing.  I know that I am not feeling well these days and I am very honest with my feelings.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/7/2005 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Grounded . . . hmmmmm. Good question. Is that like giving appropriate emotional energy to different types of crises???? I think I try to stay grounded by asking myself this question: "In the scope of eternity . . . how significant is the percieved problem I am having? "

I usually come away saying, "Not too important"

Now, that being said . . . I can also say that I try to have God as the center of my life. Because He gave his Son for me, and I have accepted that gift . . . I know that my "ticket" for heaven has already been purchased . . . and so any problems I have here, in this life, become less significant.

That is what I TRY to do . . . I don't always accomplish that, but it does put a different light on things.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms: 139

UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance
 
I have no medical training. 
The message above is my sincere attempt to share with you.  You are now my friend.  Thanks for being here.


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 4/8/2005 3:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Rosie,
WTG on the mention of the Lord and what He does for us and how his son gave His life so we can have eternal life for those who believe and ask. Not everyone believes like we do and that's called a "choice", however, no one should ever take the roght from us NOT to give Him the glory. Thank God this site doesn't "snub" their nose at members mentioning Him. I got "booted" off one support group for mentioning Him. They also had a BIG site for the "S" thing.

God bless and you're doing a great job. Saw your pic and you are pretty and look happy. Thanks...you always make my day!

"Lefty" (Sue)
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/8/2005 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Lefty,

The rules don't allow debating or hammering someone with religous beliefs . . . but they don't prohibit use of religion in a post.

Thanks for the encouragement! I'm glad you feel welcome here. Your posts give us a unique perspective because you are so open about your feelings. That is very helpful to other people who can't express themselves as well as you do. Some just read and aren't able (yet) to join in the posting . . . so it is a blessing to them when someone is able to articulate their needs.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms: 139

UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance
 
I have no medical training. 
The message above is my sincere attempt to share with you.  You are now my friend.  Thanks for being here.


Angeliavanh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/11/2005 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there I thought I tell you guys a little about myself I am Angelia I live in WI and go though alot in my life and over come most of it I have lived with my aunt for 8 years and shes the devil I tell you I am 16 i have been here sence i was 6 i didnt know how to clean a house or cook and the frist day i have moved here i was bossed around not alound to leave in better terms not aloud to have a life my mom and dad broke up and moved there seprate ways and left us to live in a life of hell i just wanted to let you know i go though alot in a day i go to school come home take care of two kids cook clean laundry and when my aunt dosent work she sits on her computer on pogo life is hard for me but sometimes you just have to suck it up i wanted yous to know that i am here and willing to talk and help as much as possible like i said i have been though alot in my life and if it comes to talking on the phone with one of yous and help i will do that i will buy and phone card to talk i am avery helpful and careing person in someways i think that living the life i am living has helped me become that person in other ways i wish that i didnt have to go though what i went though to get to were i am today i have been abused used and went though alot of depression in my life and i would more then gladly love to help anyone so please fill free ask me any thing and will do my best to ask. ~angelia~

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/11/2005 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Angelia!!!

(((((((((((Angelia))))))))))) Bless your heart!! I am appauled to learn of the life that some young people are subjected too. I feel bad for lots of adults too, but minors have no choice in their situation. It sounds like you are nearing an age when you can get out of that place and make a way for yourself. I hope you are gobbling up knowledge at school so that you will be able to make a good living when you are finished. Sweet heart, if you are being abused, please consider contacting Human Services in your County. I know that would be a tough decision, but it sounds like you are in a really bad way. Sometimes there is a counselor or someone you can trust at school who could help you make the right contacts to get out of there.

I am glad you found us. You sound like a very stable young lady and we are happy to have you as a friend.

What are some of the things that you look forward to??

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms: 139

UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance
 
I have no medical training. 
The message above is my sincere attempt to share with you.  You are now my friend.  Thanks for being here.


Angeliavanh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/11/2005 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Honey i dont get abused human services know about it it stoped along time ago i love my aunt and i give her alot of credit for taken care of kids that are not hers shes 53 not married no kids shes been taken care of her brouthers kids for years and years i love my aunt and me and her worked together to overcome the troubles in are life i havent been abused for 4 years
"In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind—in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved. 
No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away—and a touch of wonder remains." 
 
"The universe never says no to your thought about yourself.  It only grows it."
 
"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you." 


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/11/2005 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Angelia,

That is wonderful to hear. I was catching on to that fact as I read your posts. You are a very wise young lady!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms: 139

UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease),
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance
 
I have no medical training. 
The message above is my sincere attempt to share with you.  You are now my friend.  Thanks for being here.

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