had a suicidal thought about 2 weeks ago

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sober for good
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 4/28/2005 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
      But haven't had the same thought since. My thought wasn't i want to die, someone kill me or how do i kill myself, but if my anxiety or depression will be with me for the rest of my life and is suicide the only option people have to get rid of it which scared the crap out of me. but the anxiety is gone as far as the constant nervous feeling in my stomach and is just in the form of a pounding heartbeat every once in ahwile and I can't get a complete breathe all the time, which goes away if I just don't think about it, but once i think about it again it happens again. Like I said, i haven't had the thought again, I just need to get on some medication for my depression. Right now I have this guilt feeling or a scared feeling like how can you even think like that, but I know it is the depression talking and not me. I am so afraid of death that I know I could never do it to myself. I just need to bring it up to my therapist, which i should have done before but didn't think it was a serious enough thought. But i called her, and told her the thought i had and am waiting on a call back from her. I also have a medication evaluation set up for saturday the 30th of april, and will bring it up to him the thought i had, so i can get on medication asap and get the ball rolling. I am just doing it the hard way right now, which will pay off in the long run I think as far as being able to handle things better, and not run to marijuana every time something gets hard.
         The reason for my depression is 2 things I think. One is the death of my dad, which was 11 years ago, but I never dealt with it properly and used alot of marijuana to cover up my real feelings about it and stopped seeing a therapist before I really feel like I was cured or just feeling better. and the second is just the fact I stopped using marijuana about 3 weeks ago due to the anxiety, and know that I don't have that to turn to anymore and that I know it is a long road to recovery. The major thing is the death of my dad. I always find myself asking what if's, why's and how come's and feel very sad when i see a father and son together or see a father with his adult son and they are having fun together or having an adult relationship. I know my dad would want me to go on, but right now it is very hard. They say death becomes easier to deal with while time goes on, but I feel like I am mourning all over again, which sucks but I know it is apart of the process of healing. I cry alot as of late, but also feel like that is a good thing as before all of this, I had held in alot of my true feelings for a very long time. It could have been 3-4 years since I had cried about this or just experssed my true feelings. if someone can write me back, I'd appreciate it. thanks.

Having2LeftFeet
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Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 4/28/2005 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
nono  I am only going to say a few sentences on this issue. First and foremost, if all the people suffering from depression checked out of "heartache hotel", this world would be empty. The brave thing to do is to face it head on and deal with it with the help of a counselor. Just consider this. Life is not a problem, it's a challange. It's how easy or how hard we make it. Things come along in our lives which we feel are unfair and maybe they are, however, you have to ask yourself how much worse could they be?? A lot worse. Want a dose of reality? Go to a childrens hospital and visit or just sit and watch these poor kids with bald heads from chemo and having cancer at the tender age of 1 year old to whatever year they live to. That tends to humble a person real fast. Also, in life, I always say this, we have choices. We can chose which way to go or which road to take. These poor kids that are born with illnesses don't have choices. They have to live with what they have. Same goes for adults. Incurable illnesses are a bummer, but we can CHOSE to sit and bite our nails or, live life one day at a time like it was our last day!
 
Prayers coming your way
"Lefty"  
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


sober for good
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 4/28/2005 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks lefty, but i also didn't ask to have my dad die. I feel horrible for kids like that, but try living your life without your father, then get back to me and see how you feel. not only did he die, but I also was "lucky" enough to watch him die 5 feet from me. it's been 11 years, but it isn't 11 years of getting use to it, it's 11 years of never being able to speak to him again. maybe it's the glass is half empty, which is a problem I have always had, but I am learning to look on the bright side of things, and am also learning to not anticipate death and to take control of my own destiny. It will take time, and I am seeing a therapist and will be getting some anti depression medication, but i truly believe I will get better. you need to learn that life isn't as easy as you painted it in your post, because it isn't. S__t happens in life to good people and all we try to do is figure out why. i am starting to figure out why, but it is taking me time. next time you post something where you think you are trying to help(which you didn't) try to figure out that different people hgave different problems. I feel bad for kids who do that, who are born without a clean slate and have to face things most adults couldn't handle, but do you honestly think they just accepted it the day they were diagnosed. it took them time to build up the strength and courage to go on. that is what I am doing.

AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/28/2005 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Sober for Good!

Kudos to you dear!! You are making a great start by dumping the marijuana. You have been working with a counselor . . . Another big cheer for you . .

*Rosie pats Sober on the back, places her arm around Sober and walks along while they talk*

Sober, you are doing great!! I don't know how old you are, but losing your Dad is traumatic at any age and it sounds like you were young when that happened. *tears* I'm sooo sorry that you have spent 11 years without him.

I grew up with no grandparents nearby (12 hours away by car) and I felt pain because of everything my friends would do with their grands, aunts and uncles. But I think that God placed some special people around me to make up for my loss. I don't know if it was that way for you, but I am sure of it for me. I had very special pets and I loved to read.

It sounds like you are making some great progress Sober. I do hope you will be able to work through all the steps of mourning the loss of your Dad with the counselor. The loss will still be there, but it will be less painful for you.

Crying is ok too. Better to get the pain OUT than to hold it in. Sometimes counselors want to see us a few times BEFORE they put us on meds so that they will be able to properly evaluate the benefit of the med after we start taking it.

It took a lot of courage for you to come here and share with us Sober . . . I'm very glad that you did. You mentioned the thought of harming yourself . . . Please remember that in the second topic of this forum "Depression Resources" . . . the seconde post in that topic is a 24 hour suicide hotline and web link. If you ever have a thought of harming yourself, please call YOUR counselor or call a hot line like the one listed here.

Thanks for taking such a big risk and sharing your feelings here. You have helped many people who are not ready to post yet, but have similar problems.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
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Gypsy
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/28/2005 5:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Sober,

I understand how you feel. I lost my dad when I was 18 to alcoholism. It seems like I was watching him die from the day I was born as he took every drink. It's been almost 20 years now, but there are days when the loss seems like yesterday. That is normal, expect it and don't let the feeling scare you. You mention it feels like you are mourning for your dad all over again...well, you ARE. When we are under the influence of marijuana (yes, I went that route too at first) we don't DEAL with anything...we are hiding from everything. So being sober means it's time to face ALL of the pain and sorrow for his death and everything else too. It can feel very overwhelming, but you WILL make it through. Also, just being three weeks out from the marijuana, you are probably feeling extra anxiety and depression from the withdrawals. I know it sucks that you had anxiety while using it, but you also get to experience it while you are withdrawing from it. The joys in life! You will never stop missing your father and wishing he were around to support you, comfort you, give you advise, etc. I haven't stopped missing mine. Unfortunately, you just have to get to the point of accepting what has happened and making the best life you can given the circumstances you have now. There is no time limit on that process, so go at your own pace and expect to go backwards some too, just part of it. You may feel guilt, fear, uneasiness and every other emotion there is, but trust me...IT'S NORMAL!!! (well that or I'm abnormal too!!! lol ) Many things in life are not "asked for" and you are not born with (maybe you are and just don't know it) but many things WILL happen to you in life to challenge every belief you have. The strength you will gain through this process you are going through now will get you through many things, so cherish it. Maybe kinda think of it as your dad IS still teaching you and looking out for you as it was his loss that has brought you to this juncture in life and will give you the strength and courage to continue living your life in a positive and productive way!!!

As for medication, I personally think it has been very helpful. When a person suppresses so much pain and agony for such a long period of time, we can actually change the chemical makeup/release in our brains and the SSRI's can help stabilize it allowing us to deal with the issues we face just a little easier.
...on the wings of an angel


Hazelbug
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 4/28/2005 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.  I can understand how hard it is to deal with.  I've had a hard time dealing with losses I've had too.  I had two cousins die by the time I was 12 years old.  One of them was about the same age as me and was like another brother.  We were very close and saw eachother all the time.  He was hit by a car and died from brain injuries.  Just two years after that, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkins Disease.  He barely hung on to life for the next two years and was living in the hospital most of that time.  By some miracle, he ended up coming out of it and is healthy today but I still cry every time I think about how hard it was on all of us.  I have a hard time dealing with it even today, when his cancer has been in remission for about 10 years.  And if that wasn't enough, my aunt who is like a second mother to me was diagnosed with MS a few years ago.  It seems like all of us here have had more than our fair share of crap come our way.  But, I guess that's why we're all here to support eachother.

sober for good
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 4/28/2005 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you for your support. I am 24 right now, and was 13 when he died. the anniversery was just about a month ago of his death, and was very hard this year. Right now i have the fear of dying of a heart attack, like he did, but am working very hard to get myself in shape and to lose weight and get everything under control. I am also trying to make myself not worry about something that isn't in my control and to possibly think that i will live to be 80, rather then the cup is half empty and will die at 41 like him.
       i was never the one to go see a doctor and always self medicated myself(marijuana) and now i feel like i have had an awakeing. The reason for my anxiety problem started about a month and a half ago when i did some crystal meth, was up for 3 days and had a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack. i wasn't addicted to it, but had done it maybe 15 times in my life and feel like that was my dads way of letting me know to stop using that crap, which i havent used since then and never will touch again. same goes with marijuana. I was feeling fine about a week after my panic attack, and thats when i thought i could smoke pot again. I smoked it for maybe 2 more weeks after that, then all of a sudden i got this horrible nervous feeling in my stomach which didn't go away for maybe a week or 2 and couldn't stop my brain from thinking the worst possible things were going to happen. i also believe that was my dads way of letting me know to get off that stuff too. the nervos feeling is gone, but i still have trouble sleeping, wakeing up sweaty a few times a night, but am able to go back to sleep it seems right away. my therapist thought it might be post tramatic stress disorder, which i believe but then again who am i to disagree. i don;t want anybody to think i am running for the knifes or shotguns to end my life. on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a thought of suicide and 10 doing it, and 5 planning it, i would say i was at a 2. i havent had the same feeling, but i didn;t tell anybody and just felt guilty for not telling anyone, especially my therapist. now i just have the up and down feelings that most feel with depression. if i stop thinking of anxiety, i am fine. once i think about it, i get depressed. i think medication and a job change is just what i need to help myself. right now i work graveyard, and have been trying to switch shifts but always am ignored by the store manager who just says nothing is available. so i went over his head, and called around to the different stores in my area, and found 2 that were looking for people on the 230-11 shift, which would be awsome. sorry if i am rambling, but just trying to get everything out there. anyways, write me back when you guys get this, and thank you so much for your kind words. they mean alot to me.

AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/28/2005 8:33 PM (GMT -7)   
*Rosie smiles*

Hello Sober . . . I'm so glad you posted again. You have friends here . . . you are working through some hard issues. The loss of your Dad (out of your control) and the decision to stop using drugs (absolutely in your control).

*Rosie jumps up and down slapping Sober on the back and cheering her on*

I really believe that your counselor will be able to help you work through the stages of grieving AND to help you stay sober. You will be the inspiration for lots of others to follow your lead (gettin sober)!!! Sober . . . you CAN do it!! I hope you'll keep us updated on your progress.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
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sober for good
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 4/28/2005 10:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm a guy, but thank you for the encouragement. i feel alot of my depression is brought on by not having the weed anymore as my crutch, and instead having to do it the hard way. but the medication will help and infact i am looking forward to taking it, and the months i have ahead to get my life back. 1st on my list is of course my health and feeling like myself again, but 2nd is finding a new job. I work at walgreens, and feel it is a total dead end job and know i am capable of so much more then this. actually the last time i use to have the thoughts of death were the last time i worked the graveyard shift, which was at 76 gas in the year 2000. i remember laying in bed during the day worried about having a heart attack. but after working a different job with regular hours, i stopped thinking like that. don't know if it is a direct connection, but it is definetly a big coincidence. anyways, thank you for the support, and all i can do is take it 1 day at a time and get threw that day. but i will get there.

AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 4/29/2005 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Sober,

Sorry about the him/her thing. Thanks for letting me know.

One of my adult sons has a VERY difficult time with working 3rd shift. Yes, not everyone can switch their days and nights without problems. The dark even causes chemical changes in our bodies. There is said to be a negative difference even if you have a night light turned on in the room where you sleeping. Your brain actually needs the darkness of night. Great idea to try for a second shift job.

One day at a time works!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 4/29/2005 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Just one added note. My dad passed away 11 years ago and it just so happened it was my shift to stay overnight at the hospital when he died. I had the task of calling the family, including my mom. It was very traumatic, as I hadn't been the greatest person in the world and put him through a lot. He loved me more because he protected me from harm. I understand how you feel there. The point I was making is that a lot of us live with depression. Some can deal with it, some can't. I am still learning. Yes, I know. My mom is 84 now and I am scared to death to think about death.
 
"Lefty"


There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Post Edited (Having2LeftFeet) : 4/29/2005 8:26:03 AM (GMT-6)


CheerDad
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 4/29/2005 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey sober, hang in there. It does get better. I have ignored things that occured in my life too and used many different sources of crutches. The great thing is that you are working through them and realize you are better off facing life fully as it comes. Doesn't mean it will be easy, but does mean that you have many friends hear to help you face what ever is along your path.
 
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 4/29/2005 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree I have spent along time stuffing in all of my feeling.  Facing the painful feelings in therapy is difficult but it was liberating as well.
 
Hang in there.  Its a process with bumps along the way but its worth it in the long run.

SweetEmi
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 107
   Posted 4/30/2005 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Congrats for your sober day today, Sober for Good.  I watched my son have the sweats and he couldn't sleep, etc. and I don't know what all else he was going through - but it turned out when he finally admitted he needed to go to the hospital, that he was detoxing from ice - marijuana - alcohol.  Maybe your body is just ridding itself of all those terrible toxins? 
 
Take it one day at a time and life can (and will) get better for you.
 
Emi

Work like you don't need the money,
       Dance like no one is looking,
               Love like you've never been hurt before...


Betagirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 1928
   Posted 5/2/2005 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey sober

I usually just read this board, am more active on the crohn's board than anything around these parts. But I saw your subject line and it hit home.

I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off for a while now. They spontaneously come into my head, and leave pretty fast as well (usually). Anything from waiting for the train and thinking "well I could just step off the platform' as one approaches to thoughts of jumping off a bridge to planning how I can OD on my crohn's meds. I never get to the point of doing anything, but the thoughts are scary. So I wanted to let you know you're not alone there :)

I just started seeing a therapist, have had 2 sessions. My main guise for going is dealing with having crohn's disease, but there are other things I need to get off my chest with her too. The suicidal thoughts only came out in the 2nd, and we reviewed some things like going on meds and how I pull myself out of the depression. I'm not keen on taking meds right now for this, since I'm already on enough crap for the crohn's. I want to try therapy first before going there, so we'll see. Very few people know I have these thoughts in my life, and overall I'm pretty high functioning. I have this weird depression, where I do ok most of the time and then I hit a wall and plunge pretty deep into despair, and that's when the thoughts hit me. I'm not sure how I'm going to get over that, but that's what the therapy is for :)

Anyway, hang in there. I just wanted to add my experiences with this.
"Only the meek get pinched...the bold survive." 


AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 5/3/2005 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Betagirl,

Brave post! Don't be afraid of using the anti-d's. They really are a life saver. The help your brain keep the good brain chemicals that your own body produces. That's why anti-d's don't work very fast . . . because they have to help your body keep enough of the spilling chemicals to help you and that can take several weeks.

You brought up a good point. We can 'slip' deep into depression and (as for me) are then less able to reach out for help. Please consider taking the meds if your doctor is recommending it.

Thanks for sharing in a difficult topic. Please keep us posted how things go for you.
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
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sober for good
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 5/3/2005 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
definetly keep taking the meds. i don't like taking anything, but which is worse, depression and anxiety, or being a little jittery and headachey for a month or less and having a chance to kill the depression and anxiety all together. i look at depression as the russian boxer in rocky 4, who killed apollo creed, or just peoples spirits, and the meds being rocky. it took rocko 15 rounds, but he got that big mo fo and took him down. thats what i want to do to my depression. and i think my anxiety will follow with it.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 5/3/2005 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep those good thoughts Sober!!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
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Betagirl
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Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 1928
   Posted 5/3/2005 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the supportive posts. I'm not on any psychotropic meds right now. I left out I'm a grad student in clinical psychology, so it puts me in a bit of a unique position going to therapy. :) I'm keeping them as an option, but right now I'd like to try therapy first. Speaking of school, it's winding down for the term which gives me more time to brood over things. I also tend to have a crohn's flare up, so the next few weeks may be a bit challenging. I will keep an open mind about everything as I meet with the therapist. I guess my main issue is I'm already on medication for crohn's, and before I got that I never took medication. So I tend to fight the system so to speak, even though I know it's not in best interest.

Anyway, not trying to hijack your thread sober :) Keep on truckin.
"Only the meek get pinched...the bold survive." 


motley
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/3/2005 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
nono  Lefty, without meaning to sound rude. When you have a sense of despair it is difficult to think in those terms. I know from experience that depression is not something you can just snap out of. Of course we all know there are people out there alot worse off than ourselves but it takes time to begin to feel like you want to be part of society agaln. Please dont undermine people by saying those things. Sorry but i just felt that had to be said.

Vickimac
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 304
   Posted 5/3/2005 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey group:

Usually on the fibro forum but this topic caught my eye..why? Because I too think of sucide all the time..no not all the time but it does enter my mind. Started to a pychartist (SP-cannot spell that for the life of me) and he never let me talk just gave me some medicine and said I had classic depression and charged me $175.00 and sent me on my way. Still trying to get my medicine regulated but taking alot of ups and downs. Had a wreck about 6 weeks ago and was wishing that it had killed me it just killed my car! No I did not do it on purpose! I too have lost my mother, 8 years ago she was 63 and died of cancer and then I lost my father 2 years ago with alchoism and emphasema (as you can tell I can not spell), my daughter at 19 yr had a stroke and spent 10 days in ICU with the dr telling us he didn't know if she would make it or not. She was on a feeding tube and a ventilator. She had to have extensive therapy and learn to walk and tend to herself thats was 4 years ago and she is now married and happy. I just feel now there is no one left for me to take care of and I am not needed. My husband tells me all the time he needs me and loves me. With my disease I can not tend to him like I should ! Thanks for letting me vent!

Sober for good hang in there! I will have you in my prayers!

Love to all

Vicki
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him. and he shall direct your path.  Proverbs 3:5,6
 
My favorite verse!
 
Fibromyagia, IBS, Depression, carpal tunnel, hypothryoidism, ovarain cysts, kidney stones, neck and back pain, etc.


sober for good
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 5/4/2005 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
im not suicidal, it was just a thought i had because i kept reading everybody's posts and i was afraid there was no way i was going to get better, and it just got me into a really deep depression, the deepest i have ever felt in my life so far. i had xanax then, but had to conserve as my doctor wouldn't give me anymore until i saw a psychitrist, and the one i was suppose to see was gone for 2 weeks so i couldnt get on any anti depression meds. i just wanted to get the ball rolling so fast with this and it seemed to be in a constant drag, that it got me down and made me feel like nobody cared if i got better or not. but my fiance pulled me out of that rut pretty quick, and told me that i was just down for the moment and it would pass, which it did once i left the house, then got to talk to her when she got home.
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