I don't want to live anymore

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slope
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/2/2012 5:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't remember the last time I have been happy. I am 26 with a child. Was in a physically abusive relationship with his dad for seven years. I've been out of that for almost three years. I moved back home with my mom. Went back to college. But my mom is miserable. tells me me how much I owe her and how I ruined our family. My family all thinks I'm garbage as I get treated like it. My self esteem Is destroyed, my confidence. I get financially raped by my mom. But I don't help out enough. I do nothing for nobody. My family don't like me. the years of all the stuff the had said to me has made me believe it to true. I got a decent job where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel by being able to get my own place but I can't save because she needs bills paid. She watches my son for me, I owe her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't feel good enough for anything. I don't like going out because I feel like the ugliest thing alive and feel like everyone is better than me and just feel like people look at me and see trash, which is what I vebeen called by my family. I have no one who truly loves me and cares for me. I feel like the world is against me. I will never get out of this. I have a boyfriend but I really don't think he will understand, so I try to act somewhat normal around him. I am just so miserable. I'm tired all the time. I have horrible mood swings. I just don't want to live anymore.

ExProud
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 6/2/2012 6:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I think you have done yourself some good by typing this post and talking about your situation. And I can assure you there are pleny of people here that can relate to how you're feeiling. For me, coming here gives me a small measure of relief in knowing that there are other people who are suffering as I am. And just knowing that people here are willing to offer support and words of encourgement make it very worthwhile. When it comes to self-esteem I'm like you in many ways. I have a hard time feeling "good enough", but to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure how good that really is. I keep telling myself to just do the best I can for others while still trying to be kind to myself. It doesn't always work out, but I keep trying.

I'm hoping you will find peace and better days ahead!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 32185
   Posted 6/2/2012 6:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Slope,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I can see you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. But you really got to try and get out of that house. As long as you depend on them to do things for you, you are going to feel like you owe them, or her. Do you go to any counseling? Do you see a doctor? I think that you should see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling right now. Then talk about counseling. I think you could use some to get your self esteem back. You have a little work in front of you. I would start secretly saving to move out. A few dollars here and there, and don't spend any of it. Before you know it, you will have enough money to move. You have to find a day care. Many of them go by your income. Or you could get some financial help from social services. There are programs that you may fall under for help with this. I really want to see you move out. And I think you have the ability to do so. You can't continue to live your life feeling like you owe your mother everything. You don't... You can be greatful, but you don't have to pay her fcr every little thing that she does for you. Does she pay you for everything that you do??? I think she is taking advantage of you and making you feel trapped. Please talk to your doctor and get the ball rolling. You need support right now.

Take care and keep posting...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

slope
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/2/2012 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the replies.
I do think the first step is m getting out of that house. It just seems like its going to be really hard. I had about 5000 saved up but I took out a loan for her three years ago that she never paid so they went to take me to court so I ended up having to pay 4300 a few months ago. I paid her 1400 a few months ago and then 600 and for may I had to give her eight hundred. I thought parents are supposed tl be supportive? I understand I had a child young but I atleast thought she would want me to do better. I am two classes away from my associates degree, I don't feel as though its an accomplishment however I will be the first in my family with some type of degree. My insurance will kick in about two weeks. I plan on seeing a therapist or something andvi would like to get CBT to change my thought process. I perceive things so differently from other people. Eh, I guess omen day at a time

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 32185
   Posted 6/2/2012 7:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so happy to read that you are going to see a therapist. It will really help you. They can help you reach your goal of moving out and on. As much money as you are paying your mother, you could be living on your own. I take it you are working and going to school... It sounds like you got a lot on your plate right now. I am willing to bet that after seeing a therapist and getting your life in order, within a year you will be out on your own. Don't give up hope Slope, you will get there.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 7670
   Posted 6/2/2012 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I also think it's great that your going to a therapist. You have 2 classes until you can graduate, that's just one more semster,
do that then try and apply for a better job so that you can take your child and move out. on that loan make a list of payments you've made
and when you've paid it all back have your mom sign the paper paid in full and then your nightmare will be for the most part over, so
you do really have a lot to look forward to from life and you will acheive this freedom..You are a worthy person almost
ready to start a better part of your life and that is something to look forward to, maybe look into finding another job in a different State
so you can make a clean break but make sure to pay your payments and have her sign saying paid in full. When we moved away my daughter was young, and a church helped us out maybe look and see if a church can help you out after you've moved...there is also a women program
called women's infant children, here in the USA and they can help provide you with bread, milk, cheese but it'll depend on
your income...find a church and look into help, many well wishes you have a bright future ahead, keep positive, wow just 2 classes that's a great goal almost done, way to go...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

toughenough
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 180
   Posted 6/4/2012 12:33 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like your mother is the one with the problem. She is being mean to you. She wants to control you and is doing it by berating and attacking you. It sounds like she is demanding the money to make sure she can keep control. I have such a mother and I no longer communicate with her. You are stuck right now and I know it's hard to stick up for yourself with her as she just ups the crazy behavior.

You've received a lot of good advice above. There are other social agencies, many through your local United Way or other social agencies that help single mothers obtain reasonable housing and even help with the furnishings. There are also some that help with rental deposits and utilities. There are usually good free counselling for abused women. You have left one abuser, your Ex for another, your mother.

It might be hard to contact these people but they are there wanting to help you find housing and day care. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you got out from under her roof and could quit talking to her. Who knows what she says to your child about you and if she is even treating your child correctly. She could be verbally abusive there too. Your baby needs you, you got away from the male abuser now it's time to dump mom.

It is normal for you to be depressed by your situation. Besides counseling you might also need to take an antidepressant.

Take care, things will get better!
Hysterectomy 1996, UC diagnosed 1997 - 1st surgery 11/2/10 colonectomy, 2nd J-Pouch take down 12/29/10, incisional hernia surgery 7/5/11, Restless Legs syndrome, Fibromyalgia diagnosed 1998, GERD diagnosed 2005, Neuroma like pain in both feet started around 2002, Depression, anxiety and PTSD.

gthomas
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2013
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/9/2013 12:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I can totally understand your situation.   I am dealing with severe depression and anxiety.   When my alarm clock goes off in the morning its the start of my living hell.   I feel so trapped.   Part of me would love to take my life but the other part knows the pain it would cause to my kids.   I just don't know how to keep moving forward.  I am in sales and I literally stare at the phone with no interest in making a call.  My anxiety has me shaking in meetings and now I stopped going to them. My draw with the company is going to end in January but I am so depressed and have so much anxiety that I can't interview.   I am at the end of my rope - struggling to get through each day with only thoughts of doom and gloom. I feel so pathetic being this way and feel I should man up but I can't.    My meds are not doing anything for me and I was just put on lamictal which will take 6 weeks to work.   I can't live like this - if anyone has any thoughts that could help me it would be appreciated.

Angelic_Victory
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2012
Total Posts : 1649
   Posted 11/9/2013 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Sit your mom down and make a budget! Tell her that you want to physically see the bills. Then tell her that you will pay half and no more. You can get assistance for child care because you are a single parent attending classes. Buy groceries for you and your child only. It's time to not depend on mom. If she wants to be miserable then she can be miserable on her own. This should allow you more freedom and the ability to save money. Is your ex paying child support? If not go to child support enforcement and get that going.

Therapy, therapy, therapy!! You need to learn healthy thoughts and healthy coping mechanisms. I know how it sucks when your family isn't supportive (my family has never been). They want you to feel guilty so they don't have to. That's on them. I live my life by one strategy. I do the best I can and I work hard to be a good person. It's simple, I am not going to worry myself over selfish people.
Nail patella syndrome, osteoarthritis, complex migraines, eosinophilic esophagitis, major depressive disorder, OCD, and fibromyalgia, IBS

Meds: flovent 220 mcg, flexeril 10 mg prn, tramadol prn, buspirone prn, and vicodin prn.

Keep Moving Forward
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2013
Total Posts : 1490
   Posted 11/9/2013 2:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey gthomas,

I've been exactly where you are, I know what you're feeling and I have no real practical advice for you. For me, reaching the point you're describing was a crossroads: I either had to give up or find another way out. The problem, of course, when you're depressed, is that there doesn't appear to be any other way out.

In a lot of ways, sales is like golf; the worse you play the harder it is to keep playing. You're at a distinct disadvantage when you're constantly pitching yourself out of the rough or the sand. Everyone else is on in 3 and you're laying 3 behind the big spruce tree to the left of the fairway. After 12 holes of that it's really tempting to leave your clubs on the fairway and go to the clubhouse and get drunk. So yeah, the less deals you close the worse you feel, and the worse you feel, the less deals you close.

And it doesn't help that you're trying to sell to a--holes like me who won't even return your call.

'Manning' up was the only option I had too, except for me that didn't mean figuring out a way to suck it up until I died; for me it meant going to school at night for freakin' years, taking crappy jobs that helped me get into my new field, and financing the whole thing at 21% on credit cards. It was the ultimate hail-mary. I literally had nothing to lose, my life was going to sh_t anyway, and I wasn't going down without a fight.

I realized that everything that I hated about sales, the pressure, the competition, the relentless feeling of never, ever, being able to relax, had turned me into one very tough mofo. I worked 50 hour weeks and studied another 20. I got a cash advance from one credit card to make the minimum payment on another. I rewrote my mortgage for the bazillionth time, and, through it all, I made sure that everyone was provided for. I networked and spent as much effort working on my future as I used to give to my previous employers. I made contacts, established relationships, worked crap jobs on the periphery of my new career, just so I could learn the ropes. Now, 20 years later, here I am with a corner office and a career that marks its accomplishments in terms of years instead of monthly targets.

I guess the thing I hope you take away from this is that manning up will fail you, unless it's for a greater purpose. Manning up doesn't always mean sucking it up until stuff gets better, sometimes it means taking big leaps and big risks that allow you to make stuff better. Or maybe it means just realizing that you're burnt out and need a break. Either way, you gotta take control of this sh_t, grab your own bootstraps, and pull. Sales makes you tough; time to start using all those skills for your betterment, not just your employer's.

Good luck dude, I feel your pain.

Carl

medfree
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2013
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/9/2013 5:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with previous posts that typing out your feelings here is a GREAT first step to taking control of your life!
I hope you are able to come to an agreement with your mother. We've all made mistakes, it's a shame she can't seem to forgive you yours.
You've come a long way going to school, working, saving money (even if you did have to spend it, it was THERE ) and raising a child ! I wish the best for you and will keep you in my prayers ((HUGS)))
MF
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