How can i help my daughter with depression.

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sarah c
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/21/2012 2:28 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello all,

 

This morning I was searching the internet hoping to find some support from forums that perhaps can help my situation right now and came across this one. Seems I’m at a loss to what to do really to help my young daughter. She’s 19 and moved out from home last year to live with her boyfriend (now x ) as she didn’t want to live with my partner any more at home. Her farther and I separated when she was 7 so all she really knew was me and we have always been close., he was a drinker always has been so she has no contact . However growing up for Jay I think was hard as she never mixed well with friends , always the loner and always had low self esteem. I’ve always tried my hardest to be there for her ,give her everything I possibly can as much as possible, She went through many years hating herself self harming ,eating problems she’s so skinny always has been and always worried me so much. Anyhow when I met my now partner when she was fifteen I thought she would get along with him and vise versa, he would  come over for dinner and we would all go out together. We did try but no conversation went on, always a struggle it seems for both of them. My partner has no children he’s 50 now so I do understand it was new for the both of them and especially my daughter as it had always been just me and her. I suggested going away; she declined this and took to her room day in day out eating/ sleeping there and never coming out. Then i noticed that she wouldnt  bother with herself washing dressing and I was constantly tidying her room as I never seen anything like it plated dirty dishes clothes rubbish everywhere it really smelt and the smell lingered through the house. I kept picking up after her not wanting to cause her anymore upset and was doing this before he got home to keep the peace it was all exhausting . When she was 18 she got a job, quite a good paid job which she heard about from a friend. She started and enjoyed it and for a few months felt that things were getting better for her and she seemed happier all round. She announced she was moving in with her boyfriend and that was that,  I was so upset cried for almost two weeks wondering how shed cope as she’s so young in her mind like a young child. I tried not to show how I felt to her not wanting to distress her anymore. She told me that if I was living on my own she would have stayed but as she and my partner don’t converse get along she didn’t want to feel uncomfortable living with him anymore. I obviously tried talking with him, have done nothing but talk to him asking him to try and talk to her make her feel welcome and the shock came when he yelled “I don’t like her, and it will be better when its just the two of us” I was devastated ,had she had been a young child I would of asked him to leave but as she knew he didn’t want her there  she would go. I couldn’t put my foot down and ask him to go as he pays all the bills, financially I couldn’t have managed to keep the roof over our heads alone without him.  I have felt torn apart and now so guilty as things have got quite bad for her. It didn’t work with her boyfriend, he found another girl. She moved out to another place, she wanted to come home for a few weeks a while back but only came back for a night as my partner wouldn’t have her stay longer and this she picked up on, I felt awful. Since in her new place she has become depressed, suffers anxiety attacks. The GP two weeks ago has prescribed her antidepressants and has been off work two weeks. She says she cant face work and cant even remeber to eat these days shes so low and tearful.  I go around every day before or after I’m due to start work, I clean the flat as its absolutely upside down and dirty. Her money whatever she has goes on well I cant imagine junk food and cigarettes she’s never got money so I’m supporting her all I can with what she needs.  Financially I’m feeling the strain as I only work as a carer and on low earnings. I take her out to try and give her support. The saddest thing is that Im not able to come home and talk to my partner tho I have tried and I get no support as he doesn’t want to know. I sit and cry for her alone.  He says she needs a good shake and support from friends was his words so I’m at my wits end as to what I can do. I have told her i want her happy ,  she’s young and shouldn’t be sitting in a darkened dirty room as she has some much going for her. Truth is she’s poorly and needs my help and I don’t know what ese to do. Im sad her doctor hasnt even suggested counselling but given her pills. Id be grateful for any advice if anyone could help me please. Id like to bring her home and keep her safe like any mum would, and feel this is what I should be doing but also feel that I must understand my partner doesn’t want this.

Thanks for listening.


Kaely
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 619
   Posted 7/21/2012 5:07 AM (GMT -6)   
First thing to do is get her to tell her doctor that the antidepressants aren't working so that her doctor can either adjust the dosage or change the med she is on.

If it were me and my daughter, I'd move in with her until she could stand on her own. If the mate doesn't want her around so be it. Your partner sound like a jerk to be honest. I'd just move to her place and help her with bills and food and clean her house. She need to know that someone loves her enough to put themselves out a bit for her. There are always partners out there, your child is one and only.

Don't be sad her doctor has given her pills, they can save her life. Counseling can come once she has been stabilized. First she needs to have the will to go on. The pills can help with that.

You could also suggest a forum like this for her. Providing she has internet. It sounds like she REALLY needs a place to vent and feel safe.
Chronic pain, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Tennis Elbow (both arms), Arthritis (knees and fingers), Diabetes. Ruptured disk L-4, Severe degenerative damage L5-S1, ACDF C5-C6

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34368
   Posted 7/21/2012 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
I am amazed at how many woman choose their partner over their child. But I am sure you had your reasons. I agree with Kaely, I think your partner sounds like a jerk. Your daughter is your blood. I hope that you can help her. Good on the medications. I am glad she is seeing somebody. One day at a time. Take care, and keep posting. Just one question, if you could put paragraphs in your posts, they would be much easier to read. Thanks in advance. These old eyes can't keep track anymore...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 3768
   Posted 7/23/2012 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Sarah C,
 
Did you re-read your post?  IF not I suggest you do it!  Are you really willing to put your partner before your daughter?
How do you think this makes your daughter feel?  Would not be helping the depression she is in.  I am not scolding only observing.
 
Without judging, your daughter needs to talk to the doctor about her meds and then get to a therapist she trusts.  If there are free services in your area and money is a problem all the better.
 
Depression is not something to fool around with, be wishy washy about or try to "wait out". It only gets worse left untreated.  That includes talk therapy if warranted.
 
Put your big girl panties on and take care of your daughter! You can do this, you raised her, you can help her now.
 
 
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

pocketfull
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 350
   Posted 7/23/2012 11:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Sarah, I am sorry your daughter is so sick. She needs meds of course, and the the RIGHT therapist. I would suggest that you find a therapist and go to HER first and find out if she is the one you want. Do not get a man therapist. Your daughter has had to deal with rejection from all the men in her life, from her father to her boy friends and then to your partner.....Let me ask a hard question. if your daughter was 5 years old, would you choose her or your partner? I think I know the answer to that..........Depression is a serious illness. I have had it since I was very young. I am 61. Way back then in the 50s when I started school the teachers way back then told my folks to get help for me. I was a nervous wreck, a recluse, paranoid, overly protective of my two younger sisters. I am still the same, tho on medication it is better. I have learned to leave my grown 36 year old son alone. WE have a great relationship, and its great for us both. We talk on the phone and see each other several times a month. And, if we dont do anything for a month its OK. Your daughter needs you, but maybe she needs to do the reaching? Maybe all your cleaning up for her is putting presure on her. I am just going by the way I felt at 19 or 20 plus. I am sorry for this post if some people think its too harsh. I had no help until I was in my 30s, by then it serious. I could say so much more, but I should not do it. I know you will do whats right and I look forward to seeing your posts here at this wonderful site..........have a great day.....Cathy
I am 61 years young. I have neuropathy in both feet and hands. I have spinal stenosis and arthritis in my back. I am bipolar and with panic attacks. I cannot walk. I choose to stay home all the time. I love living in the country. Its very peaceful.

flashinglights
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 186
   Posted 7/24/2012 8:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I am deeply saddenned by this post. Understand that you are a good mother. This partner of yours needs to be reavaluated in my opinion, in a relationship, you NEVER ever talk about someones child like that, especially one that isn't theirs. That was immature and mean. Your daughter has something wrong with her and he doesn't understand, but instead insults her being. You gave her life, she needs direction, love and support.

She needs to be guided. Please choose your child over him, he is so unsupportive. I feel as if you are scared of him, and it is frustrating being in a financial situation and holding on only for that, you will survive. You need someone not only to support your child, but also you, and let you know your a good mom.

And trust me he is not a "partner", a partner would support you and your child. You know what to do, don't let financial stress hold you bac.
~Panic Disorder, Hypochondria~
Life isn't about waiting out the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain
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