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Countess Charlotte
New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/12/2005 1:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm one to keep my problems to myself.  To stay bottled up so that on the outside it looks okay, when on the inside it's anything but.  Lately issues have been arising which are public.  It's terrifying to me.  A good friend took the time to ask if everything was alright and offered me this advice: to examine myself and fix my own problems.  What does that mean?  I spend 25 hours a day trying to figure out what I do wrong and how to make it better and how to make everyone else happy even if it makes me miserable.  Lately that's been backfiring in my face, but I don't know why or what's going on.  Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much out of people, or if I'm just being unreasonable with myself.  Or maybe I'm just screwing up somehow.  It really hurt to hear him tell me that I needed to look at myself as though I'm seeking blame elsewhere.  That since I'm the one with the problem, it must be me.  There's probably a lot of truth to that, but what kind of words of wisdom are those?  How is that helpful?  It makes me feel backed into a corner.  Like people must be talking about me in a less than complimenting way, or that people think I'm selfish, or that the reason I'm having these problems to begin with is due to ego.  I wish I could just say 'screw what you think' and be true to myself, but I don't know how to do that.  And I just want to be friends with everyone and not have those friends have crazy rediculous problems with me that I don't understand because they either don't express their feelings or discuss behind my back.  It makes me feel like I have no friends or anyone that cares.  It's so lonely.
I just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening.

New Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/12/2005 2:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Charlotte,

I am a 20 year old male, i have dealt with the same feelings you are talking about for a few years now...i stayed bottled up for so long it eventually just came out. One night i was around at a friend of mine's house and we were just talkin away. I had been acting a little strange lately and i had no idea why, eventually she asked me about it and i just burst out into was unbelievably embarrasing but i just let it out. Bear in mind this was a girl that just few years earlier i had been almost madly in love with before we both sort of went separate ways before we had a chance to go any further and u can start to realise this was fairly out of the ordinary for me. We had kind of stayed friends while i was in a relationship with another girl for about three years then that ended and i decided to sort of rekindle the friendship with my old 'high school buddy'. It was so odd because i was kind of starting to get to like her again and for me to do that was so weird. But it just happened i have no explanation for it. Anyway she was really good about it to my face, though i swear she mentioned it too a couple of my other friends which tore me apart. Here was someone i thought i could trust and she just used it as gossip...that hurt. The moral out that story is don't keep things bottled up, the bottle is only so big!

Since then i have moved away from that group of friends but i still find myself thinking about them all the time, i often go back to the city because i still like to see them and vice versa but it's just not the same anymore. I am a fairly successful person i think. In other people's eyes i am anyway. I am 20, have the company house to myself + a great job, a new car, all the toys cellphone, laptop flashy wardrobe etc but i am unfulfilled inside. I would like to think that the problems i have to deal with make me a stronger person form day to day but what's they point if i can't enjoy them?? I think when you get a little down in life it's natural to play your ego up a little to compensate. people say they would never think of me as being someone to feel down about things?? Why should i? But i do....and only i know which sux! The one thing i hate is that i know people talk about behind my back, either because they are jealous of my lifestyle, whateva i don't care. I wish i could just have a great group of friends that i dont have to worry about backstabbing that what you are looking for as well?

You must believe that everyone is inherently good deep down, try to understand that maybe your friend was trying to set you on the right path? It is often easier for you to see what a problem really is from the outside. Trust them, they wouldn't be your friend if they didn't care for you.

I think maybe setting a few less rules for other people to meet would see you less disapointed when it comes to high expectations of others. They say that the less criteria you have for other people to meet to get your 'approval' the more truly satisfied you can become. Once you let the horrible shield of rules go you can learn to just take things as they come, not everything has to mean something....

Take care, we need more people like you who can just be honest! does no-one know how to do that nemore?

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 5/12/2005 5:43 AM (GMT -6)   
nono  CC,
First off, most people who suffer from depression do keep things bottled up because they, (myself) don't like to admit defeat. They (me) don't like to show that they have failed. Personally, everything I did as a child all the way up until I got married at age 19, had to prove everything to my parents. Case in point, as rather trivial one, my Mom would tell me to do my homework, and I would tell her I did do it, and she would ask me to get it so she could see for herself that I did it. In a lot of ways, things are still happening in my life, but in other directions.
I think what yoour friend meant was that until you come to terms with your own feelings and excess baggage, before you can tackle other issues.
On the subject on "how to make others happy", I'm gonna lay this out because once again I went through the same things. No one likes to be around a chronic complainer. No one wanted to listen to my tails of woe, in addition to haveing an illness for which there iss no cure for. I was angry that I got it and didn't know how it would play out in my mind. Years back, if someone asked me how I was doing, it took me and hour to fill that person in. I gave no thought to how others may be feeling and didn't give them a chance to tell their tales of woe. After a while, it get old real fast and I swear every time I walked into a room with family and friends, they would aviod me like the plague. It took the spirit out of me, made me feel small and unloved, no one eever broached the issue of my illness and didn't acknolwege that I even had one. After this, I went into a "comfort zone" anf never came out. Between the pain killers and all the other emotions I had, I became a prisoner in my own house. 
On the subject on "being avoided" and talking behind your back, they probably are if you are a "chronic" complainer. After I grew to realize what I had done and what I was, and what I needed to be, things fell into place but little by little. It's like the old addage, "Well, you didn't gain weight overnight so it's going to take as long as you gained it to lose it". To be brutially honest, it's not your co-workers responsibility to counsel you about your personal matters, as a matter of fact, it is none of their business. That's betwee you and your "higher power" to work out. 
I hear the "ego and selfish" but you could be doing these things not even realizing. Why don't you put yourself in their place. Would you want to hear a co-worker gripe, moan and groan on a day-to-day basis?  Lastly, friends, good friends are VERY hard to come by. True friends are one's that are always there for you and you for them. They are trustworthy as you should be to them. They mind their business as so should you. Your "so called" friends are not friends at all, but you have to ask yourself if you have pulled them down or tried to before. Perhaps you could offer a lot more support for them and a little less for your problems. See a counselor for your issues. Hope this helps BUT you are not alone!
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 5/13/2005 10:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Countess, please know that you are not alone. We are all here for you whenever needed. Depression has caused me to retreat deeper into myself to the point of becoming addicted to many destructive behaviors. With the help of talk therapy, being able to feel safe expressing myself on this site, and some anti-d medication I am finally finding my way to a much better me. I remember feeling and praying for God to open the Gates of Heaven and let me in. I realized what He did was open the Gates of Hell and let me out. It is now up to me to find Heaven however I define it.Don't spend too much time looking at what you do wrong. I now try to look at each day and see what I did that was good, what I could do better, and what I don't want to do again. I then try to do more of what I thought was good and try to do better and eliminate more of what I did not like the next day. I only look to be better one day at a time. I ask myself if I am a better person today than I was yesterday. If I am, progress was made, if not, I can try again today. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 5/14/2005 5:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Countess
All the above have said it plain - and I can totally agree. In my case I kept everything well bottled and no-one knew how ill I had become. When the cork finally popped it involved pills and lots of neat vodka. Please get professional help now -as Cheer says only then do the gates of Hell open. I keep saying that if I'd been able to speak to anyone about my feeling I may have avoided the trauma that esued not only to me but to all my family and friends.
I found that once all was in the open my family and friends were brilliant - the few who dropped by the wayside I've rationalised by telling myself that they probably are scared and embarressed by the new me - afterall I no longer wear alarge SW on my chest or my pants over my trousers.
In everything I did my focus was to make sure I didn't upset anyone else and that I kept everything 'perfect' for them. Well guess what - I know come to accept that I can't do that and that I need support and to be able to allow others to help me. Still coming to terms with that - so easy to pull on the SW persona and pretend all is hunky dory.

This is a great place to share and the advice is always good if hard to accept at times. I feel totally at home here and have beenable to express things I can do nowhere else - so please post often. Everyone here will be rooting for you

Luv and hugs


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 5/14/2005 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I totally identify with the SW syndrome. I was guilty of that as well. Phewwwww . . . glad thats over!! (Besides, my SW uniform doesn't fit me anymore . . . last time I tried it on, I was spilling out of it all over the place . . . not very flattering)
In His Grip,
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
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Post Edited (AlwaysRosie) : 5/14/2005 8:13:00 AM (GMT-6)

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