hurt friendship due to temper

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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 5/21/2005 2:21 AM (GMT -6)   
A week ago I really lost my temper with a friend.  It is a long story but to make it short, several of us go out to dinner on Thur. nights.  One does not make it every week anymore.  Well last Thur. my best friend said she did not know if she would want to go out as she and another friend, which I do not care for were setting up for a garage sale.  I suggested that she bring her friend and we could go where ever she wanted.  Well I called her moms house and her step dad answered and said my friend and her friend had gone out to dinner.  Well, that just set me off because I wanted us all to go.  I called her at home and on her cell and really went off on her on her voice mail.  I felt bad later so called back to l/m of apologizy and she answered and said she and her friend had only gone for a drink and to give her an hour and we would meet for dinner.  I ended up calling her back and she was fairly short with me.  I know she listened to the message as she started listening when we were talking.  Needless to say she did not want to meet me for dinner.  I left her alone to get over it (she gets over things very easily).  We talked last night and today.  We talked about getting together tomorrow.  She then sent me an email basically saying never leave her messages like that again and she was saving it to play for me to remind me never to talk to her that way again.  She said she thought I knew what would happen if I did and that neither of us could afford it.  I really dont know what it means.  I hope to never go off on her or anybody again.  Sometimes I get what feels like a monster inside of me that wants out and I lose it and then I feel much better.  Since I talked to her last night and today I thought all was ok til I got that email.  I now feel that the friendship is really strained.  I dont know what to do.  I have ADHD and one of the symptoms is explosive temper.  Anyone got any suggestions on how to read this friendshop or advise?

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 5/21/2005 10:09 AM (GMT -6)   
nono  Sorry that you had a falling out with your friend. I know things like that are hard to forget or let go. I don't have any friends except for my husband and the one's I have here on this board and support groups. It is very hard to translate the word "friend" because there are so many things that can cause a friendship to crumble. The last friend I had "lured" my husband from me at a very vonerable time in his life and she knew that and took full advantage of it. I blame the both of them, not just her. However, if she was the true friend she said she was, I wouldn't have even had to concern myself with it.
Lets get down to the nitty gritty here. How can we classify a true friend. A true friend to me is someone who stands by you no matter what. They are there for you through good and bad, thick and flush. They don't waiver nor do they falter. They don't stab you in the back or talk about you behind your back. They defend you to others and protect you from gossip and untrue statements. Now that's a tall order for a person to be a friend. So, I have come to one conclusion. A friend is just as good as you think they are. No more and no less. When it all comes down to it, the person who says they are your friend would do whatever it took to protect themselves, not you.
I have found one thing to be true. Don't tell this person you call a friend everything about what is happening in your life. Sometimes we can fix things by ourselves without the help of any outside interference. Personally, when I need the help of a friend(s), I call upon the members of this group to help me. See, as I have said many times, we are names without faces. No one knows who we are or what we look like. They only know us by our profile and the things we tell them. I like that. This way I know that care for me, the name and not the face. They know what we are made of and where we are coming from. They know our deepest throughts, but, don't gossip because who are they going to gossip to? The other members? If that's the case, then they don't have to post to me anymore but that's not the case here. I have come on some hard times and these members will tell you it took me a very long time to open up to them because I got so hurt on a few other boards. I "lurked" in the shadows for a while before I even posted for the first time. I waited until I was sure that these members  were who they said they were. I could tell from their warmhearted posts and kind and loving words that this was the place I had to be for love and comfort. Thank the good Lord I was right.
Now I know that everyone needs a friend to hang with and to talk to but I also know that I drove friends away by complaining about every problem and ache and pain I had. After a while, they got tired of listening to me. Even my family got tired of listenting to me and I was the only one that didn't see it. It was like, "God, here she comes, everyone run" type thing. I finally realized what I was doing and dropped friends alltogether. I was OK with that as long as I had my husband and the members of my support group. Your case is not unusual or strange. We have all gone through the same thing. Having a real friend is a rare find. See, friends have to be willing to listen and listened to. They have to be trusted as well as trust. They have to help as well as be helped. They have to comfort as well as be comforted. They have to lend support as well as get support. In other words what I am saying is that a true fried needs as much as you do. The main focus is not just on you, it's on them too. I'm sure you have friends who's lives aren't perfect who need as much love and concern as you do. They need the shoulder that you so desperately need. We get lost in our thinking that we are the only ones hurting when we are not. They are hurting too. Give this some thought and let me know if it has helped. I hope it does. It comes from the heart to a person that needs understanding. That person is you!
God bless
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 5/21/2005 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your response.  It did make alot of sense.  I have apologized several times to her.  I know she is hurting too.  I want to be there for her but I have a feeling she does not want me around.  We talked about getting together today after my chiro appt.  I called her on her cell but she did not answer.  Somehow I have a funny feeling she saw who it was and chose not to answer.  I know she has her granddaughter who is 10 months old.   Maybe her other friend she was with the night I went off called her and they are doing something.  I left her a message on her cell and was very nice and calm.  The first sentence in her email to me was: "Wether or not we get together tomorrow (meaning today) maybe she has no intentions of getting together.   What can I do to make it up to her?  I have ADHD and the explosive temper (which will not show at work) and after I let it out I feel 100000% better.  She has ADD also but not the hot temper.  How can I make her understand that what I did I did not want to do.  There is something missing upstairs that doesnt stop me from doing something without thinking thru the consequences.  I am just sick over all of this.  I dont want to lose the friendship or hurt it in anyway.  We have been there for each other thru think and thin.  What should my next step be or is there even a step?  Maybe the friendship is for all tense and purpose over.  I dont make good friendships very easily.  Is there any reason to hope or anything I could do?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 5/21/2005 12:03 PM (GMT -6)   

You have made a great start at mending this friendship. You apologized. Don't dilute your apology by blaming the ADHD even though that may have been a big part of it. Ultimately, we are responsible for our actions. Everyone is socially handicapped in some way. You have made your appology now allow this friendship to have some time to mend. But don't suffocate it by hovering over your friend. Give her a chance to call you. If you chase her . . . she will run from you.

I hope some time will cause her to remember why you two are good friends to begin with. I know this will be a hard thing for you, but don't project into things by thinking that she sees it's you and doesn't answer or that she is off with another friend. You undermine your self esteem when you do that.

Some tea for you freind!!

In His Grip,
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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 366
   Posted 5/21/2005 12:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chelsi,

I am not sure if you read my post about anger and impulsive..rages, etc..but I posted something very similar to your posting. I have alienated many a family member because of this. It is the pitts that is for sure. I did not know that ADHD had one of the symtoms is explosive temper - I was told that emplosive temper was more of a symptom that had to do with Borderline Personality Disorder. I used to get in fights with kids sometimes when I went to this awful school, and then I was put in a Private school, and things seemed to improve. However, I still have the temper/outbursts as well and don't think before I react and then I regret the things I have said. My problem is that I tend to do this more in e-mails to other, rather than voice mail messages. I wish I could find some way to not do this. I have tried therapy, anger management, and now I am reading a self help book on Borderline Personality disorder, and it talks about this issue, and so far, I am really liking the book..

Never Alone
Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 5/21/2005 2:33 PM (GMT -6)   

i first like to say that you are a good friend to realize that you made a unintentional mistake and had the guts to stand up and tell her you atre sorry
i have lost a friend recently not to do with any of this or any type of negative interaction but to the fact he was away in the national guard (at this point i started ramblin so ill put it in a post myself) anyway we were friends for 30 yrs and now i havent heard from him in months hes been back awhile.sometimes you have to let go

set it free if it doesnt come back type of thing

it took me comin here to let it go and realize there are plenty of people who want and deserve the friendship i have to offer i am very thankful for this site and all the friends i have made here

now as far as the temper goes i dont know much about add but after my accident i have what the docs call emotional control disorder and i have one hell of a temper ive had it regulated with meds and meditation for 4 yrs now and have only had 6 or 7 slips look into the meditation it helps with all kinds of things not just emotions
i hoe i have helped you in some little way
Your Future friend

Never Alone
                          I have walked the road of recovery
                          for sometime now
                          I look behind and see progress
                          though slow and alone it was
                          I look foward and see no end
                          I am alone.......
                          then a hand touched each shoulder so tender
                          so I looked to both sides and I found friends
                          who dont walk behind nor ahead
                          but by my side
                          I am not alone.......
                          and through my endless journey
                          I hope to see them reach     
                          the end of thier road of recovery
                          I will always be here
                          but  NEVER ALONE
                          I walk with my friends

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 5/21/2005 3:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I ended up calling my friend on her cell 3x.  Only the first time did I leave a message.  The only reason I called her several more times is that she is terrible at checking her messages.  This time she answered and said she was coming down my street and asked if I wanted to go get something to eat so we went to KFC.  I ended up paying for her lunch.  I told her that my pdoc put me on 20mg of strattera for mid to late afternoon.  I am on 40mg in the morning.  I am also on 300mg wellbuterin, 300mg effexor,and .25mg of xanax 2-3 times a day.  Yes, a short fuse is one of the symptoms of ADHD along with other dxs. We lack something in our brains that puts the brakes on to make us stop and think what we are doing first. When they filled my rx of 20mg strattera since there was not a 20mg she said to give me 60 pills of the 10mg.  It cost me nearly $50.   30 pills of the 40mg was only $24.00.  It also comes in 25mg.  I am thinking 30 pills of that would be less than the 40mg.  I will check with my insurance to see what I would pay for 30 of the 25mg.  I am afraid she is going to get upset with me and wont do it.  She said this week she could not put me on any more meds...except the 20mg of strattera.  I have never felt comfortable with her to be honest.  Back to my friend.  I can really feel a strain in the relationship.  I don't think she ever wants the friendship we had before where we were best friends.  After we ate she brought me home and left to babysit her granddaughter.  I did not feel all that comfortable when we were together.  I am sure she felt the same way.  I wish I knew how long this was going to take.  None the less, I need to learn to control my temper.  Stupid stuff can set me off, not just another person.  I have never gone off on anyone like I did last week.  A couple of times in the past my t says she does not know if I am being as bad with the temper or just being assertive.  I do not use the tone of voice or alot of what I say because I would not want her to know about the swearig.  I wish I could get her to understand that I really do go off so we can work on it.
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