I hate myself so much

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2004
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/9/2005 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Lately, I've been at a very low place. I hate myself so much.  I only hurt people. They'd all be better off if I was dead. No matter what I screw up the lives of the people I love. I don't believe in God anymore. I was never a member of a particular religion but I used to have faith in my spirituality. Now I have nothing. People hate me. I hate myself. I'm so disgusting. God. God. God. I wish I could believe there is something out there. Something better than this watching over me.
Sorry. I'm being inarticulate. I just can't think anymore. I can't even type correctly. I'm just crying all the time and it hurts to move. It hurts to try to talk or smile. And people just think I'm being an overdramatic teen but normal people don't feel this way. None of my friends have this...thing hanging over them.
It's like I'm in a hot bath and suddenly the water drains and leaves me cold and exposed. That's what it is...the water draining out of the bathtub feeling.
I don't know. I guess I always felt this way. When I was eight I  used to hit myself over and over with different objects until I had huge bruises and swelling. It used to be so bad I couldn't walk. At the time it seemed like I was justifying the hurt inside by feeling pain outside.
I'm so freaking cliche. I hate being this way. Maybe I am just some trite teenage angsty brat.

Post Edited By Moderator (HW_laura_s_2002) : 6/9/2005 6:12:01 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 6/9/2005 9:19 PM (GMT -6)   
FN, I am real sorry to hear how down you're feeling.

You're not being overdramatic or a typical teen. If you're having problems, and you're expressing most of your reasons, somebody should be listening to you and getting you some help. Have you spoken to your family about how you're feeling? Can you talk to a school guidance counsillor? Or even your family doctor. The fam. DR could help you find a professional, or a therapist - somebody well suited just for you. I think talking to somebody would really help you so much. You're so young and have SO much to live for...I know you hate how you feel, you're not alone here. Please keep posting and please come to chatnight. Check in and see who is around to talk at night and during the day. Don't isolate yourself FN.

You are not a brat eh. You're down and confused about things. Life IS hard and you're going through changes, school, friends, the pressures of growing up and the expectation of life is so much harder now than in past years.

Try doing some yoga and deep breathing..This will keep your body, mind and soul feel good and peaceful. Daily affirmations ( I know it sounds dumb!) in the mirror. BELIEVE it and say it 100000x or as many as it takes, tell yourself that you're a wonderful, loving person and that you're worthy. Cuz you ARE! Please believe that.

Keep posting OK, Hugs!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/10/2005 12:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello FN,

Just want to send you a hug. Red gave you some great advice. So sorry you are feeling so down. School is likely done now for the summer, but the school would be a great resource, as they have counselors and help for teens feeling like you do.

Your problems sound serious enough to warrant some medical attention. What you describe as an 8 yr old should be taken seriously by your parents and medical team. I hope you can talk to your doctor, a parent, an aunt or a trusted adult. You really to should get some professional help. Things don't need to be so bad. There is help out there . . .but you need to share whith someone to get the help.

Keep us posted.

In His Grip,
Psalms 139
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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 6/10/2005 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
What you have to realize is that your life has value...You are worth something..and there are other people who love you...Self confidence is a big key...in my view..to conquering depression..and you need to take some confidence building steps..Find something you like...a hobby...do volunteer work in your spare time..or maybe get a part time job doing something you love..where the people are generally warm and friendly..and you will feel a whole lot better about yourself..As Martin Luther King said "I am somebody"..well you are somebody..you just have to realize that...
Please take care.. sad

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/11/2005 11:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, I'm SO sorry to hear about your situation. And I'll be keeping you in my prayers. I agree with ALL of the responses posted. And like AngryWolf said, You have to realize that you are worthy of living an abundant enjoyable life. I believe that we were all created for a purpose, and somtimes, figuring out our purpose can be hard. But if we keep on living, we will figure it out. You have a purpose, and there are people who love and care about you and want to see you doing well. I know and understand that it's hard, but you can't give up, you have to keep pressing on think about what it is that you're thinking about. Negative thoughts produce a negative life. Posative thoughts produce a posative life. Try to retrain the way you think and try to think more happy thoughts. Also, therapy is a great help. Somtimes just to talk with somone about your thoughts and feelings is very helpful. Again, I'm sorry to hear about your trials, but i will be praying with you!

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/14/2005 4:07 AM (GMT -6)   
     No one knows what you are going through except you. No one knows how you feel but you. No one knows the truth about your life but you. All we can do is try to lift you up and advise you how to make the quality of life better. We are a support group and that's why we are all here. We listen, we talk, we vent and we advise. We show we care, we show we love and most of us believe in the power of prayer. I know this one thing from personal experience. Please read on and open your mind to what I am about to say. When I was a teen, I was so rebellious from the lack of attention I lost when my brother was born as he had a terminal illness and then my mom had another baby, my baby sister. Then I was really mad cause my mom had to devote most of her time to my brother so I got stuck taking care of my baby sister. I was more of a mother than a sister. (my brother passed 1 week before his 18th birthday and that 6 yrs more than the docs said he would live) I was angry at the lack of attention. I was drinking, smoking, cutting classes, getting other friends in trouble and in the dean's office more than he was. I tormented the teachers and was a bully to other students. I was acting out and like you, I hated myself. The one thing I didn't see was the hurt I was causing everyone around and at their expense. It took me a while to learn that not everyone was against me and people loved me but they had a hard time expressing love because of my attitude. I was shutting them all out and not letting them in. I litterally rejected anyone's love or care because I thought it was out of sympathy. I soon found out that it was me that was wrong and not everyone else. I was depressed and didn't care about anything anymore. My great escape was working 2 jobs and staying as far from home as I could. Finally I met someone who I fell in love with and him with me. We married and had 2 daughters but unfortunately, he was drinking heavy and started physically abusing me so I divorced him. Now he doesn;t speak to me at all even though we have 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren together. When I got engaged to my now husband of 23 1/2 years, he came to my apartment and wrecked it and beat me. He was angry that I could be with another man. Deep inside he loved me but it was a choice. Booze or me. Booze won. My now husband found him and told him if he lays 1 finger on me again, he would kill him.
     The point I am trying to make is that we live our lives without thinking sometimes and we have "pity parties" with no invited guests. I wasted all that time being angry when I could have had a great teenage period. We all have choices in life. The way I see it now is that we can choose to live in misery and feel sorry for ourselves and boy was I a champ at that, or we can choose to take one day at a time and in doing so, we can improve day to day. Face it, you are unhappy now but what have you got to lose trying to 180 your life? Do it in steps like us recoveree's do. You have got to tell yourself that you are worth something and God put you here for a reason. Question is, would you rather live your life in total darkness bumping into walls, knocking yourself out and not going anywhere or changing your way of thinking and telling yourself you can do whatever you put your mind to doing. If we were all happy and perfect, there would be no depressed people. We all have our own reasons to be depressed and no two people are the same. Life takes twists and turns but there is help for you. That help starts with YOU and then you can slowly come up from the bottom and spread your wings. Please, for your sake, try to START having a better attitude about yourself. Don't be hateful to yourself or others. After all, they have nothing to do with the way you feel about yourself. Stop beating yourself up. God bless!
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

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