To love or not to love?

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3269
   Posted 6/11/2005 3:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Does everyone agree that you can't love anyone until/unless you love yourself?  I've heard this and I don't agree.  I don't like myself but I'm absolutely sure I'm in love... and have been for over 5 years.  Any thoughts or reasoning about this?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/11/2005 5:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi 7Lil!!!

Hmmm . . . I was engaged to be married (26 years ago) and I realized in my heart of hearts that I needed him more than I loved him. Does that make any sense?? I needed his love more than I loved him. I called him up and he came over and we talked (through many tears) and I explained how I was afraid to trust my feelings because I felt like I might be jumping the gun. He talked me through it and we did get married and we just had our 26th anniversary. Just hope you realize the difference. It really is good if you are comfortable in your own skin before you involve someone else in your life.

I hope some of the others have some good advice for you. If you are questioning something, there is probably something worth investigating sis!!

In His Grip,
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3269
   Posted 6/11/2005 5:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Rosie, thanks for your input... I appreciate your comments. I have to say, however, that I'm not questioning my love for this man (or for my family or friends) - I'm questioning the statement I've heard. Could there be exceptions?

Post Edited (7Lil) : 6/11/2005 5:00:54 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 6/12/2005 2:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I am in my 30's and really have very little experience with the relationship stuff in general but what I do know is that every relationship that I have been in I have completely sabotaged because I dislike myself very much. In fact there is an underlying feeling of disgust.  I always wanted to be whatever he wanted to be and whenever I thought I couldn't make the grade I would push him away or there were even times when I drove them off by being too needy or clingy. I don't want to drag anyone else through my personal hatred.  I want to be there and be good for the "future him" in a way I can't be now because of what's going on in my head.
I hate that Jerry Maguire line "You complete me."  Its impossible no one can complete you.  You have to be comfortable with yourself and accept your limitations.  By the way those last lines aren't coming from me but the therapist that I have been working with for almost four years. I am hoping on some level that that will sink in to my thick skull someday because I so badly want to believe that.
I hope you don't think I am giving advice in the sense that "I know best" I am just telling you of my experiences.  I am glad that you are in love and I think learning to be comfortable in your skin takes some time and perhaps you grow into that by working on that.  Best of luck to you

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/13/2005 10:49 AM (GMT -6)   
I believe that there are different levels of love for lack of a different term. I do believe that I am capable of loving others without loving myself, but to find true, unconditional love for another, I need to love myself. Without doing so, I am always holding back something from them and not allowing myself to be unconditionally loved by them.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 6/13/2005 12:36 PM (GMT -6)   
If there is any doubt of love in the relationship that is not good whether loving yourself or another person. When I find that I cannot love myself, I start doubting why my husband loves me. If I can't see any good in me, how can he? It gets to be an insecurity thing. I don't know if I believe that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself but it will definitely put a strain on the relationship. If you don't think that you are worthy of your love, how can you not think that that mindset won't rub off on the person's feelings for you?
Des (dbab)
IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD, Disc Degeneration
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" - Mary Engelbreit

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/13/2005 1:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Rosie is on the right track. It's not a question of "I love him/her but I'm not in love with him/her. Either you love someone for the person thay are or you don't. If the person is cruel, selfish, disrespectful, etc, and you love them, that's something you have to see, not anyone else. Love is truly blind. No one can look through our eyes and see the person we see and see why we love them. I guess to answer your question, yes, I do think you can love someone and not like the person you are, however, perhaps this person can bring out your good points and accent your life.
"Lefty" :-)
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

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