feel I am fighting a losing battle

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barbra
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/13/2005 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
All of this is just so overwhelming, the depression , the anxiety, life.....I  too like angrywolf used to have what I thought was a good relationship with God...but somehow that is all gone..I pray and nothing..I feel nothing...I think this is the one thing I cant get over...I used to be a happy person and comfortable with my faith..that is all gone..in its place now is this overwhelming fear of God now..I hate that, I dont want to feel this way..I have asked God to take that away, but it doesnt happen. I feel abandoned and unworthy....angry and so many emotions it is hard to describe..whats the point?..really? living like this isnt living at all......

melodiq_mz
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/13/2005 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
wow! i think i know almost exactly how you feel! I, like yourself, used to be a happy person, and used to be comfortable with my faith in God, but just in the past few months, all of that has changed for me as well. And I think what i'm learning in this situation is that God wants my faith to grow. Sometimes when we get too comforatble, we get stagnent (sorry i have absolutely no idea how to spell that word) but we get still and don't really excersize our faith and don't really put it to practice i guess, cause things seem to be alright with us. So in my situation, I'm believing that my faith is being stretched, and that God will deliver me from this, and when he does, I'll have a powerful testimony!!! and so will you!!!! Just don't stop praying and keep trying to believe and little by little you'll see that God hasn't left you. I hope that this has helped you some, i thank you for your post cause i believe that it's helped me a little tonight.

barbra
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/13/2005 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Well Mel I hope you are right. I used to think that maybe that was what it was, now I dont know, I still pray, I still believe very much....I did a whole lot of soul searching, going through my whole life to see where I failed, and yes I have made many horrible choices in my life, as most have, have had many terrible losses of family and friends, even my ex died a couple of years ago and though we did not get along all that well at the time, that hit me really hard as well, I have spent so much time trying to figure it all out I am just more confused, I havent done anything but scare myself more I guess, where I used to find comfort in God, now I find fear, it makes no sense to me, I want that comfort back, and that is what scares me, that I will never get over being afraid of him now, I just wonder how our minds get so whacked sometimes, how you can think some of these crazy things, I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling happy, I miss my life....God gave me all those things and now they are gone...I just dont understand it and guess maybe I never will.

Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/14/2005 2:33 AM (GMT -7)   

Barbra,

     Sorry hun that you are having it rough right now. Funny how life just kicks us in the butt and leaves us for dead. There is, however, so many other alternatives to our every day life. You're depressed now because you feel like God abandoned you but, unfortunately He hasn't. You have abandoned Him. You have not because you ask not. Yes, you ask him for things to be better but how far are you willing to go to acheive that goal? How much are you willing to give to have your life turn around? You need to give to get and maybe God has a plan for you. Maybe he wants you to be more positive in your thinking. It took me a long time to go back to my Christian faith but in the past 2 years, things are better for me personally. I still am depressed because I have Lupus but I try not to dwell on it. There is a heck of a lot of people much worse off than me and when you see them, you get humble real quick. I'm not angry at the Lupus or ask God, "Why did you give me this disease",  I keep fighting it and not letting it win. I pray all day long. God is in control of my life. I thank Him every morning for allowing me to have another day and at night for getting through that day. Without Him, I am nothing.  I told the guys here that God is probably tired of hearing me call his name. I talk to God, I talk to my dogs and when all else fails, I talk to myself. Any way, I don't get no back-talk!  I read "My daily bread", a small book my mom gave me, about 200 or so pages and it helps me when I feel like the world is against me. Like I said, humble pie. We have to believe in ourself before we can believe is anything else. Try to have a more positive outlook at life. I know that if you do it one day at a time, you will get better. You could have a lot of support here and we all care about one another. I will pray for you today. God bless and keep your eye on the sparrow!

 

"Lefty" :-)


There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


karlo
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 6/14/2005 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Barbra I can totally relate to you,everything about my life sucks and it's really hard to continue to lived with a life like this...


Designs
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/14/2005 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel just the same as the others who have responded, so can offer no more advice.  There are days when I truly do not even want to go on...what is the use? I have tried so many drugs, am in therapy and od see some improvement, but how can you keep your spirit up when the change is so minute all the time.  I do not know of anyone personally in my condition ...only people on the boards. This has been going on since the fall of 2004, so I am new to it.  I cannot believe some of you have been feeling this way for years and years. I, like some of you, pray all the time, read self-help books, go to doctors and therapy.  What more can one do? In the last 7 months I have had ONE day that I felt what I call "normal" ( like I felt before). I cannot work, can't find a correct blend of meds....5th one so far...it is just hopeless.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/14/2005 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Here is my $.02 . . . please don't read if you don't want to read about God.

Each of us has a God-shaped hole in our heart which only God can fill.

If you don't feel God . . . it is not God who moved.

We are not ill as a punishment or a test.

God does NOT cause illness, but he DOES allow it. Nothing happens in this world w/o God knowing it first.

Jesus did not lead a carefree life. He suffered, his hometown did not believe and he had to move on to do his work.

Jesus only lived into his thirties. His close friend sold him out for a bit of money.

He ultimately was scourged, spat at, ridiculd and hung naked on a cross.
WHY? So that you and I could have eternal life w/o pain.

This life is just a wink compared to eternity.

Always trust that God is in charge . . . even if you don't understand at the time.

Don't just pray . . . when you talk to God, have a conversation, where he has your quiet time to reply. You won't likely hear words, but a feeling and a knowing that everyting is ok (his still-small-voice).

When I am weary, I picture myself curled up and lying in the palm of His mighty hand.

I still have problems . . . but I haven't lost my joy. Joy comes from knowing God.

I really believe that we each need a church family to share our journey with. A good church family will be able to help you when you are down and count on you to do the same for them.

If you are looking for a contemporary, down to earth, bible-based church you can check out www.willowcreek.com and look for a link where you can find such a church in your area.

One more thing . . . when we DO have a good relationship with God, the adversary WILLl be at work against us. You can tell when it is God talking to you if your spirit is convicted. If your spirit is being condemned, it is coming from the adversary. The Holy Spirit convicts and the adversary condemns. If you feel condemnation it is NOT coming from God.

God does not push his way in. He allows us to move forward at our own pace.

I hope I haven't offended anyone . . . but this is life as I see it.

Father God, we pause and ask to be able to fell your touch. A touch so that we will know that you are there. A touch so that we know it is going to be ok, ultimately. Thank you Father for the precious gift of your son, Jesus. We so look forward to eternal life with you. Sometimes when things are sad, lonely, scary, unmanageable, painful, we forget that Jesus knows our pain and has suffered all these things. You know what is best for us Father and we trust you with our lives. We know that we could be healed with your touch . . . but we also know that each of us has a purpose here and our afflictions may serve that purpose. If anyone reading does not have a church family, I pray that they would go to the website above-mentioned and find a believing church and become part of the family of God. Thank you Father for a forum like this where we can come and share our burdons with others. We also ask that as each of us reads we will feel the joy that can come only from knowing that you are in charge and that we can always trust you. In Jesus precious name, Amen.
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
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barbra
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/14/2005 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Rosie.. logically I know your are right, emotionally I just feel washed out, at times it just seems to much to handle, I still pray and I know that God is there somewhere, I even ask that he forgive me for my crazy thoughts, I dont know where they all come from, I know a lot of it stems from the anxiety, I am just emotionally drained.

melodiq_mz
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/14/2005 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I've been reading this book called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. And it has been a trememdous help to me. After I finished replying to your post last night, I was re-reading a chapter (cause i needed some encouragment) called A Doubtful and Unbelieving Mind, and part of the chapter refers to Matthew 14:24-32 where Jesus told Peter to walk on the water. So Peter did so, but when he started paying attention to the storm and took his eyes of The Lord, he began to sink. And just like Peter, we need to keep our focus on Christ, and not our storms. And we have to have faith to believe that we, like Peter, can "walk on water". We can over come our depression, and we don't have to live with it! Jesus is allowing us to go through it for now, but he is going to bring us out of it, if we just believe in him. I don't wanna sound preachy, but i'm beginning to realize more and more, that our christian walk is to be taken seriously, and faith is the key! But at the same time, it helps a little to know that there are other christians who struggle in their faith as I do. But we're here for eachother to edify and build eachother up!! I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 6/14/2005 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I envy the deep faith that some of you have at this forum.  It must bring a sense of being grounded through all the chaos that goes on with depression.  Since I have been trying to get well I have found myself stepping away from the church.  I know I still believe in God but I have such mixed emotions about him.  I know he is not to blame I just find myself to feel completely numb around the whole realm
 
I know that since my depression hit hard four years go I haven't felt the same.  I have had some good stints here and there but only to hit a low with feelings of worthlessness and anger.   I know that I keep taking the meds and going to therapy because what is the alternative????

barbra
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/14/2005 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   
cloudy..I totally understand how you feel, its like you want to be close again..and yet you you just dont understand it all..somewhere along the way you have attached negative feelings with God..or at least I think that is what it is, because I think that is what happened to me, It gets really confusing sometimes, but I know I want my relationship back and yet at the same time its scary..I dunno maybe its trust issues or something, still trying to figure it out also, but I wish you all the best and hope we find the answers.

ANGRYWOLF
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 6/15/2005 1:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow! I hope I haven't caused anyone distress..I didn't mean to...Everyone has a right to their beliefs..I don't criticize those who believe...it's good to believe because it can give you something to believe in...a hope like a grain of mustard seed...which as it grows can pull you out of the pit of depression and despair...
For me personally it is over...my faith died because when we needed God...he chose not to be there for us...and there's nothing anybody can say to me that can change my mind because there's nothing that can change that situation. My wife is dead. My parents are dead. Several dear friends are dead. Nothing in the bible will change that. Nothing a therapist, a psychologist, or psychiatrist says or medicines he/she will prescribe can or will change that. So I believe there is no cure for my depression......but I will always encourage other people because I believe there is a cure for their depression...
Hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugging}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}to all of you from someone who cares..me..smile....

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I have had a very similar situation. I grew up going to church on a regular basis and truly enjoyed myself. I had a lot of friends to run around with; good people. I guess in my late teens early 20's I started drifting from all that until many years later now in my early 30's. I know longer attend church. I've had nothing but road blocks, struggles, and disappointments and I know god is trying to call me back to the church but I am stubborn. I know some day I will return to church. I admit that I miss it. I just don't feel ready to return just yet. I want to take care of myself first. I do the same thing. I still talk to god and pray and I still keep having let downs and break downs and why me's and this isn't fair to where I feel I don't trust him any more. I know that's wrong and I know I can trust god but even when I was going to church I experienced a lot of what I'm going through today so I think to myself, what's the point. I don't know I guess if i'm honest with myself; I'm doubtful of him. It's what have you done for me lately thinking.

melodiq_mz
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/15/2005 7:53 AM (GMT -7)   
When one bad thing after another happens in our lives, it is hard to believe that God really cares for us. I know it's a struggle, personally! But I guess for me, if i didn't have the little bit of faith I have, I would be in serious trouble. I would probably turn to drugs, and alcohol, sex, or maybe even try to hurt myself. I look at my situation, and then i think of how much worse it could be, and I have to be grateful because i'm STILL here, and it's by the grace of God! I am really sorry for everyone's situations, and i'll be praying for and with you all.

Heather313
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/16/2005 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   

I know how it feels, because some days I feel so depleted spiritually.  What helps me is to look at situations from a different perspective and to do something nurishing (sp) for my soul.  I live in the beautiful state of Utah so I'll go hiking.  There is a hike 5 minutes from my house that leads to a waterfall and everyone says Hi, which is rare here. A good book or a good movie and cheesecake helps ,too. I try not to take things personally-especially if I don't know the person that almost hit me on the road or set the display in the grocery store so only one cart could get through at a time-in every section no doubt.  I work at a nursing home and many of my patients have depression, too.  And I'll say hey who cares if your bed isn't perfect or the toilet is acting up-it's not worth the stress that worrying it is causing you.  Concentrate on your great family and the joys that you have. Let's go get some hot chocalete and eat Twizzlers. They tell me that it helps them get through a rough time when I tell them things like that.  I wish I could listen to own advice.          

I feel that when you take care of yourself, that is God answering your prayers and counteracting the numbness of depression.

Heather


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/16/2005 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
"Thank you God for the storms in life that blow me right into your arms." Quoted from a lady who was talking on the radio one day.

I lost a husband of 5 years (when I had two little children). God was there to guide me through it.

I could scarcely make ends meet to keep a roof over our head. God showed me the simple things in life that I had always taken for granted.

God allowed some things in my life that are so awefull, I choose not repeat them here. I now have a very sensitive soul to understand the problems of others.

I lost my best friend and sister to cancer. I thanked God for the 43 years he shared her with me.

My father has Alzheimer's disease. God has shown me a very prescious side of my father.

God allowed me to have the illnesses listed below. God is with me every step to show me things I couldn't see when life was racing by so fast.

I could go on and on . . . but I think you get the point. An attitude adjustment on my part is usually necessary to go along with the meds or doctors in my life. If I had clung to bitter thoughts, I would never known the joy I have for life now. Joy and peace are things that I feel are a result of trusting in God. They are very different than happiness and health and prosperity. . . and can be had in the midst of pain and suffering.

"Thank you God for the storms in life that blow me right into your arms."

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Post Edited (AlwaysRosie) : 6/16/2005 5:35:51 PM (GMT-6)


Designs
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/16/2005 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Rosie, what an uplifting post.  Thank you for putting things in perspective.
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