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taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/14/2005 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone
 
I'll just start by saying that I'm new to this site.  I'm certainly by no means new to depression.  Like most who are here; I have been dealing with depression off and on for the last 15 or so.  I've hit rock bottom again in the last week and I've decided enough I"m sick of being sick.  I have called a counselor but again a set back she can't see me until a week from thrusday and I"m thinking but I need to see you now.  I guess I should look forward to it.  I"m going to be serious about this help.  I need it.  I've been taking zoloft for a couple of years now.  Certainly not on a regular basis at any means.  I take it for a while and think man I feel fine and start thinking how much I hate taking medicine every day and I quit taking it.  I feel like I can do it on my own.  Apparently I can't. 
 
So much has been going on in the last five years I don't even know where to start.  I'll just say this much I want to enjoy life again.  Not only that but I want to enjoy me again.  I want to find a hobby that makes me happy.  Right now all I feel like doing is hiding out at home and under the covers zoning out on tv.  I missed work again yesterday.  I'm probably going to tell my supervisor eventually what's going on, but personally some things I just feel are to personal for them to know.  I have noticed my depression affecting a great deal of my work.  I can't focus on anything or concentrate all I do is pittle and watch the clock and wait until I can go home and just zone out.  I fidget a lot at work.  I can't seem to sit still even when I sit i'm bouncing my foot or dangling my sandle on my toes anything to keep moving. I'm even like that at home.  I"m constantly moving around. Unless I'm just totally down in the dumps then I curl up in the recliner and veg.  I have no motivation any more.  I don't want to rammble. 
 
I can't wait to go see my counselor.  I'm scared though of finding out what's really wrong with me.  I mean the last time this happened that I can clearly remember being this sad was around my late teen's early 20's it was so bad I attempted suicide and trufully I've been having thoughts of dying in the last few days thinking that would make everything better, at least I wouldn't be hurting any more.  Then I think I can't do that.  I don't want to hurt my husband and family that way.  Then the cycle starts, geez your pathetic you wouldn't even be able to kill yourself right. 
 
I tell you I'm a mess. I sit here thinking god i have to go through another day of work tomorrow.  It was such a chore just to make it here today from showering, dressing, thank goodness I car pooled with someone.  I'm just in a zombie state of mind now kind of numb really not really thinking or feeling anything.
 
Anyway, I'll keep you posted on my progress.  I just want happiness back in my life and all the love people give me and all the compliments they might give me I just smile and say yea whatever or I question why.  I want to accept those compliments and say yes I do deserve this.  That it's ok to be happy and healthy and ask for help that I don't have to be super woman and take it all on.  Although I think my depression is way beyond being superwoman.
 
laters...

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/14/2005 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Angel and Welcome!!!

Is your name Julee????

Yup . . . I do the same thing with the anti-d. Every once in a while, I taper off (gradually) and I go about 6 weeks and start to get into trouble again. Some people do successfully wean off after a while . . . but for some of us, we need that little pill called anti-d to help our brain hold enough of the right chemicals for a sense of well-being.

If I were a diabetic, I don't think I would deny myself insulin . . . so I quit feeling weird for needing the anti-d.

Sorry you've been feeling poorly again. Maybe you should print your post (above) and start journaling for the first appointment. It would give you some time to think about how you want to introduce yourself to the therapist and what you would like him to know about yourself. For me, it is easier to write than to talk about myself.

Keep us posted sis. And glad you found us.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/14/2005 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Rosie

That was a very good idea.  I too express myself better in writing than I do when I try to express my thoughts.  It's like they get lost from my head as they come out of my mouth.  I'm going to do the journal idea.  I've been keeping  journal for some time now and that's what made me realize it was really seriously time for some help.  Every entry even from a year ago was started out with; I'm tired or I'm lonely or Im bored and I thought ok I was feeling these things a year ago no wonder I'm falling apart and exhausted these days.  I've been carrying all that around for a long time.

By the way my name is Julie.  Nice to meet you.


 

 


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/14/2005 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Julie!!

Great plan! Your therapist will wish every client did that!! Keep us posted sis!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/14/2005 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome, TA,
     Wow, your story sounds just like 80% of everyone elses, especially when we first join a new group. We all have different issues but all depressing. Life's not fair sometimes. At times it would be easier to disappear than to go through the motions. NO....you're life can be changed just from taking the first step in which you just did. We have all been where you are now and we can't go it alone. We need others that are in the same boat to understand and sympathize. Some of us have lost loved one's, some are ill, some can't get along in their marriage, some have problems with their children, some have problems with husbands doing things they shouldn't be doing. In any event, we know.
 
I really get into this because I don't work so I am able to come on and off line whenever I want to. Some or most of the other members have to work, sad to say I wish they wouldn't so I could catch them on line and chat. Kids, ballgames, you name it, they got it. My daughters are grown, married with kids of their own. It's just me and my "DH" and my 2 dogs. That's it. I spend a lot of time alone as my husband goes out of town a lot for his job and travels. Long as I got my 2 babies, I'm OK. I remember the days of kids in the house and being depressed and waiting for the day that they would GET OUT!!! When they did, I missed them. GGEEEZZZZ does anything make me happy, my husband asks?
 
I am no knowledgeable more than any other member on this board but like I said, I am on a lot. My advice is to go back and read the posts and see what the members are dealing with and the advice they get from one another. It really helps put things into perspective plus you can see the way they post and the format. It makes it easier. No one ever told us life was fair. We didn't know that until we were aware of the things around us. Life's just hard, but the hard makes it better to succeed cause when you do, it's a milestone. One thing you will need to learn. We have all had thoughts of passing and how it would be better, however, you do not own your life to take, none of us do. The Lord own's our lives and He say's when we stay and when we go. You'll go when it's your time. We'll all go when He says it's time. If we could all pick a day to die, the funeral homes and cemetery's would be packed every day. You along with us have been put on this earth to do a service to the Lord and we have got to learn that we can do what we put our mind to do. That doesn;t mean we will be perfect and not be depressed. Depression comes in very different shapes and sizes. Just know that we all here will be there if you need us, and again, read the posts. They will give you hope.
 
"Lefty" 
 
 
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


dbab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 6/15/2005 4:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Julie,
I just wanted to welcome you to the site and to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through right now. I have no motivation for anything anymore including work either. I don't feel wanted in my family and I have resentment that my husband can go on with his life and be carefree while I carry the load of all of the not so fun things in life. I hope you keep posting because this site has helped me tremendously, although it doesn't change my situation (thats for me to do when I learn how).
(((HUGS)))
Des (dbab)
IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD, Disc Degeneration
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" - Mary Engelbreit
 
 
 


taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for the support. I do appreciate it. Its another day. I've come to realize that for me taking one day at a time is the key. I made it to work which that in itself can be a big chore of the day. My husband doesn't understand this either what i'm experiencing. He's never seen me this low and doesn't know how to help me. I smile and say honey sometimes I don't understand it either and honestly the one thing he can do for me is keep loving me. That's what I tell him. Last night he was jokingly saying baby you gotta toughin up and I looked at him and said honey i'm probably one the tougher chics you're gonna meet. He's good about it. He just wants me to be happy again and I think deep down he knows I'm not. Anyway, one day at a time that's my motto right now. I feel myself coming around a little bit. I still feel sad and would perfere to hide the day away. I also realize that's not going to help me get better so I just keep plugging along.

I too feel a little resentment towards my husband and the way he looks at life and handles things. I wish i could be as carefree about it as he is. I know he has worries and gets down about things once in a while but not anything compared to what i go through.

Oh well, I'll keep everyone posted on my progress. Its hard talking to people that don't know really what's going on and it's hard to explain to them what's going on when you yourself have no clue. All you know is things just aren't right. I told my husband last night I was like baby I am tough I'm just not wired like your normal average person. I think he understood that, but then whose to say any of us are truly "Normal".

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Just a thought...

Think about it; have you ever wondered how a healthy normal person would react to our illness. I mean if we could box everything up from meds, to symptoms, to counselors, to everything box it all up and hand it to someone and say here can you hold this for a while, i'm tired of carrying it around. i wonder how they would feel after two or three days.

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
ok my mind is totally not on anything at the moment. I'm having a bad day of not focusing. I'm at work and should be working but I find myself here instead. IF i had the choice to do whatever i wanted you know what I would do today. I would go home and crawl back in bed and zone out on tv. That's all i ever really feel like doing lately. Its like i don't care about things at the moment. I don't care about work, i don't care about whether or not the house gets cleaned. Oh i do a few things here and there but only cause it has to be done. I have to really force myself these days to get it done though. I'm just not motivated at all.

It's like I appear to be normal and healthy on the outside but on the inside I feel so lifeless and numb its frightening. I feel like i'm going through the motions lately of life just trying to make it to the end of the day so i can go home and do the one thing I feel like doing the most right now and that's nothing.

i'm excited but nervous about my counselor this next week. it's a week from thursday. i'm also afraid to find out what's really going on. what's it like going to a counselor? I know their all different but what kind of things do they want ot know about?

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
feeling sad again. i start the day off feeling like ok I can do this. i can go to work and be ok and feel ok but the truth is, i just want to turn and run right now. I really think my job has lot to do with how low i feel. Its part of the problem at least. I work indoors and the only time i get sun light is when I go out on my breaks in the morning and the afternoon. sometimes i go out at lunch. Its not the best atmosphere to work in. It used to be an ok place to work but their cracking down so hard on rules that nobody hardly talks at all. not like we used to. we basically come in do our work and go home. So that just leaves more time for me to dwell on what all is going on with me. Its like work is the last thing on my mind. I just want to get better. Everything is such a routine. I don't know i'm spiraling down again. i can feel it. I'm glad my husband has to work the next few nights. I'll have some me time and I can write in my journal. i just don't feel like being here lately at work or anywhere for that matter. its almost overwhelming today. just one week; that's what i keep telling myself one week until my counseling session. I wanted to come in sooner than that, but next thursday was the earliest late afternoon appointment she had. I better go

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
trust me y'all are going to get tired of me before this is all over with. i want to go. i just want to pick up my things and leave the office. I want to go home where I feel save. here I don't feel safe. I have turned to food for comfort. I just ate a twix bar and I know for some that might not be anything but for me to just sit and eat a candy bar is big its not a normal thing for me to do and what's even more strange is the fact that it tasted so good. I'm like man i just want to go home and have all the wrong foods; comfort foods and watch sad movies and just cry and eat. Then I started thinking about my appointment being a week away. To me right now that seems like an eternity. Like so far away. SO much so I'm thinking of calling another counselor to see if someone might be able to get me in sooner. I don't know. Its so quiet here at work right now and I have nothing to work on to keep my mind busy so i think and that's not good when i think.

sorry if i'm bothering anyone. i'm just writing my thoughts. my coworker said it perfectly 'she can't keep coming to work every day wondering what she's going to do all day long." she's right though. i know y'all don't want to hear about that. I"m sorry. I'll go

psynetty
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/15/2005 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi!
I think I'm responding to tainteangel's post about the husband issue. I get the same from my hubby. I love him but he thinks I should toughen up or be able to have more control. Ha!
I'm not to good with posts and whatnot being this is a first. hopefully I'll get the hang of it.
What is the most kindly thing you can say to a not understanding spouse? All I say is 'ya wanna return me to the store see if you can get a refund?'. I have a feeling this is really as good as it is going to get. To put on a happy front for my children's well being is o.k. but I just gotta be real with my hubby. Sometimes I think he gets what has happened to me then I realise latter he doesn't. Trying to be an effectual communicator is challenging, eh?
I love him but feeling a little lost here.
hope in the quagmire of life,
psychonetty

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/15/2005 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I think most men, espically those that haven't gone through a depression stage truly don't know what's going with us. My husband is very straightforward with advice, opinions and so forth so I don't expect him to be any different with me. Like I have said earlier with him I simply say baby sometimes even I don't understand what's going on or why this is happening to me. If I did do you think I would've allowed it to happen again. Hang in there psynetty. Let's face it most men aren't the gentlest of creatures.

psynetty
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/15/2005 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Angel,
I like the idea of asking a question. Get's him to think about what he's saying and reason a bit, knowing I would never ask for this condition. Face it who likes depression or anxiety or sudden crying? Good strategy, questioning....That's goooooood! Thanks. I've been struggling with this since December. Finding a good therapist was not easy for me. Actually not much is easy. It was like kissing alot of frogs before I found the right one... Journaling really helps me because it clairifies my thoughts. I'm a little ADD so it helps to stay on task.
You might want to write down what you want to ask in your session. Is being a scatter brain a symptom of depression? Anyone know? Part of the reason I call myself pyschonetty or psychomom to my kids is cause I'm so forgetful.
A little humor can go a long way,
netty

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/16/2005 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Does anyone else feel this way; it's like even though I feel a bit more pulled together today than I have the last couple of days it's like the depression and feelings are still there. It's like I tell myself ok its time to come together and hang in there. I'll do that too for the longest time. I think that's why i finally decided I had enough with this and wanted to get with a counselor. I'm tired of running of pretending everything is ok when I know deep down everything isn't. I'm tired of lying to myself. Just one week until my appointment. It seems so far away.

curtiss
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/16/2005 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
i know this cycle of depression your talking about i think..... myself i have a good outlook on like but my depression kicks in n i feel like doing somthin crazy..... i then catch myself turn my self away n try n drag myself out of the depression.... and get out of a suicidle state......  but it seems minutes later im back into my suicidle depressed state. i think anxiety plays a role n this happens alot when im alone.i have been depressed infront of ppl before i hide it i kinda zone out in front of them they turn to me n kinda snap out of it but a cycle of depression all i can say is try to think on the brightside of life have a dream in your future or live the dreams you already have

taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/16/2005 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
That's just it. i have no dreams, no goals and the one's I did have got shattered. Like most people depressed I take one step forward only to get knocked back three steps. it is a visious cycle and I'm ready to put an end to it one way or another. I might have something seriously wrong with me and not even know it. I feel several years ago when I attempted suicide and never really truly got help from that I mean serious help. I just pulled myself out of it like I always have and kept going. I think that plays a big part in the emotional and exhausting roller coaster I've been on for so long. I go to bed exhausted and wake up just as worn out. One day at a time is what i tell myself all day long. I keep telling myself hang in there your appt is next week and if your serious it will help. Then that little devil inside of me says, yea right. That's the kind of negative thinking i want to be rid of.

anyway, i'm out...

curtiss
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/16/2005 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
well is it your dream to relax then it seems like a step the you would feel more comfortable with living life relaxed maybe metions that to your counciler about that i share some of what your going through with attemptin suicide 4 years ago n having no dreams i did find them eventually n i know what i ahve to do to get there if i slip n fall i get up again even as hard as it can be

curtiss
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/16/2005 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
pls take care

Ciao

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/16/2005 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Angel,

Your journal would be a good thing to bring with you.

And next Wednesday, You should print out a copy of your posts here. Look up at the top of the page and you'll see a button titled "printable". Click on that button and you'll have a better print-out.

Keep us posted!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We cant control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptylene, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


taintedangel
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 303
   Posted 6/17/2005 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   
i'm having a rough day today. i knew it was going to be a rough day when I woke up I felt tired already, like i didn't sleep good last night and I just can't seem to get going today. i get to work the boss is still out and i only had a little bit today which cause a bit of anxiety cause I think how the heck am i going to fill the next 7 hours of my day. it's been a long day and i am so ready to get home and relax as much as i can. just wanted to say hello. feeling a bit down and out today so i'm going to go.

psynetty
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/17/2005 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel, Curtiss & Rosie,
I can relate to your post Angel. Got a similar story to yours. The ptsd, panic attacks w/ suicide ideation along with the depression is alot, to say the least. All of this is not my fault!!! It is a biological response to trauma in the body. Not my choice either. I think other people are not going to ever really going to understand unless they experience this type of thing first hand. I can really understand what Curtiss is saying. I don't know if I'll truly get better or if this is as good as it will get, but even in the midst of horrible and excrutiating mental and sometimes physical pain I fight to not give into the ideation. I know if I give into the ideation I will probably be sucessful. What helped me first was thinking of people who loved me. Then using that image along with tremendous amounts of prayer, sometimes from others because I couldn't pray myself (too much self hatred), to get myself through the day or the afternoon. I try to make it a discipline in the middle of the battle to take on one part of the day at a time, not the full day, not the week. It try to identify where the anxiety is coming from. Anxiety bites!
That is the most difficult thing to do.... It is hard for me to see the forrest from the trees. So what seems absolutely logical and resonable to others is like climbing a mountain for me. It is difficult and sometimes treacherous. I have to be absolutely honest with others, most importantly with myself, that is actually the hardest thing for me, and at the same time be guarded and watchful so I am safe. I don't sleep well either and around 5p.m. it catches up with me so I try to prepare for it by taking a bath or a walk, if I can, getting dinner early so I can set myself of for sucess as opposed to disaster. When this doesn't work I journal, call a friend, ask for prayer put on some uplifting music, whatever it takes.
When I used to teach kindergarten I would say if you can't get in through the front door, try the back or climb through a window! I hope what I'm writting makes sense. And mostly I hope to keep on having hope because hope does have it's reasons.
netty

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/17/2005 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Angel,
I am like you . . . if there is not enough to do, the day is Sooooooo long. I hope you feel more rested tomorrow. Doing something physical usually helps that drained feeling . . . unless you have chronic illness.

Hi Netty,
Your post made perfect sense to me . . . those are some really good coping skills!!!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/18/2005 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
TA,
     One thing you need to know is that spouses like others have no idea what we are going through. All they can see is how we are, how we act and how we react. They don't know what's gong on inside. Tht's why they question our moods and why we are unhappy. Maybe you should sit and think about your feelings and write him a simple note and let him know what's inside and how you feel. Sometimes words speak lounder on paper then in person.
 
"Lefty"
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/18/2005 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Amen Lefty!!!

Actually, I have done that for hubby and for family . . . it has been a long while, but it really made an impact. I simply let them know how I felt and how they could help. Before that, I don't even know if I knew what I needed.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
 
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

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