Where do I go from here????

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 6/16/2005 3:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone.
I am at the point that I do not know what to do anymore. No matter what something always goes wrong in our family and I seem to be the one everyone turns to. But I just can't do it anymore. So where do I go from here???
I am a very sick young lady, my mother is sick with COPD, emphysema, RA & OA. My older sister has 6 kids and is suffering from a mental disorder. My mother lives with a physco maniac and she wants & needs someone to talk to. She is crying out for help. Well, she said she didn't want to burden me because I am so sick so she would continue talking to my sister Michelle about it. Well, turns out, my sister told her that she did not want to hear anything about what was going on in her life she was mentally sick and she didn't need to hear her problems. She asked my mother if she was trying to kill her because she was piling all of her problems off on her. So my mother turned to me. I would never in this lifetime, no matter how sick I am, tell my mother to keep her problems to herself. She is my mother and I want to help her but it is hard when you are sick as I am but I listen. That is what she needs. She needs to know that someone loves her and needs her. She almost died back in February but she didn't and she said she couldn't figure out why GOD let her live. And then I was hospitalized and she said that was her reason for living. To help take care of me. I know my mom is not physically able to take care of me as I am not physically able to take care of her. I can see my sisters point in a sense but in another I don't understand it. This is our mother why would she tell her not to speak of her problems. My sister has my mother convinced that all of her brothers & sisters hate her so that is driving my mom crazy. I can see it in her eyes. My mother will not seek out help. She says she doesn't need anything for depression but I think she does. I told her that it wasn't a bad thing but she refuses to take an anti-depressant?? So I ask again, where do I go from here?? By the way I have 4 sisters. 2 live out of town & 2 in town. but one sister is on drugs so bad she will lie in a heart beat. I just don't understand it. I am not asking for advice on how to help my mom I am asking for help for myself. This issue is getting so depressing to me. Everytime my mom comes over here as soon as she leaves my sister calls and wants to know what my mother has said. Did she talk about me. blah blah blah. Well, I am not about to go listen & run to tell. That is backstabbing my own mother. The stress  I am under is making my depression a lot worse than it is. I don't have the heart to tell my mother that I can't listen to her problems because I wouldn't want her to tell me that. So I am back at the starting point again: Where do I go from here?
I know someone out there has bound to be able to help me out on this situation. So please any advice would greatly be appreciated.
DX - CFS - MARCH 2005
Meds: Methotrexate, Keppra, xanax, lorcet plus, tylox, flexiril, folic acid, prednisone, phenegran for nausea, Hydrocodone cough medicine, activella, Zanaflex, celexa, vytorin for high cholesterol, Duragesic pain patches, lidoderm pain patches & taking cranberry pills for my kidneys.

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 6/16/2005 7:24 AM (GMT -6)   

I went through the exact same thing a few years back when my mom went through her second divorce. GOD it was awful and honey I really understand where you are comming from. The best advise I can give you is stay away from all of them for a few days. As mean as it sounds, when they come to you with their problems think of yourself first.

I had to straight out tell my mom that I could not help her unless she helped herself first and got counseling. Finally she did, yes it broke her heart for me to push her away a little, but I basically told her, "Mom, as much as I want to help you, I can't, I have my own problems, and before I can even help you , you have to help youself", and I gave her a business card with a counselors name on it. After a few weeks she called me to let me know that she finally went to see the doctor, and now she is happily taking her meds and realizes that the only person that can help her is herself :) well an her doctor.

As far as my sisters are concerned now, they have a better understanding of things and are now there to help whenever a family memeber needs help. Depression is such an awful think and people suffer from it in different ways, but as a family it seems that as one person gets help then everyone follows suit, it takes time but I have seen it happen.

For yourself, if you suffer from depression, maybe you should also seek the guidance of a professional. My daughter is suffering since the death of her brother, however she is not taking any meds, she is just talking herself through it and for her it seems to be working just fine so far.

You don't have to tell anyone that you dont want to listen, all you have to tell them is that it might be better if they talked to someone that would be of more assistance than you. Encourgament to find help from an outsider is not a bad thing for mom, or for you.

I'll keep you in my prayers

In Love and Faith

Hug Your Children Everyday, and Tell Them That You Love Them
In Memory of My Son:
Michael Joesph Palazzolo
April 19, 1985 - Feburary 24, 2005

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/16/2005 7:56 AM (GMT -6)   
     First off, STOP!!!! Breathe in through your nose and let out of your mouth. The first thing you need to do is sit alone in a quiet place and meditate and think about your life first. You can't help everyone if your a mess yourself. Second, why are you assuming the responsibilities of the entire family? As far as I can see, you need the help more then they do and also sounds to me like they are making their own issues and ASSuming PC will take care of them. I thought I told you last time you needed to have time for you. That is no life for you.
This is a big mess. Your sister with the 6 kids ahouldn't have 6 kids but it's too late for that now. I am going to say this and if I hurt your feelings I apologize. Personally, I think each member of your family has made their own problems. Your sister is selfish and needs to snap out of it. Does she have a father for these kids and does he live with her and the kid? Also, if your mom has a Psycho, let him listen to her problems. YOU CANNOT BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE. You are the one going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't tone it down.
I understand what you are saying about your mom needing someone to vent to, but she needs to realize that you have a life too. If you don't settle down, you're gonna lose it and will be no good to yourself or them. Sounds like your mom needs treatment. On the subject on "God" letting her live, it's not a question of not and to. It's a statement that the Lord will call her home when He wants her. She is not ready yet and I hope she has asked the Lord forgive her of her past sins and tell Him how much she wants Him in her heart. Your sister sounds like a very selfish person, (sorry) and needs counseling herself. Maybe she's better off not helping your mom. Who knows. The tables may turn making things worse.
On the issue of your mom getting anti-deprassants, you can't make her take them. She has to want to because even if she does take them, her body is litterally fighting them. Where do you go from here????? If I were you, personally I would get as far away as possible. I'm sure they will manage without. You need to care for you. You cannot take care of everyone's lives. You are young and have you life ahead of you. I'm sure you love your mom, but PC, you can't be all things to everyone. The more I read the more I roll my eyes. I always print the difficult posts so I can answer line by line. Your sisters on drugs??? So, what are you supposed to do for her. I was an addict for almost 10 years and I went into it alone and got off alone and have been in recovery 1,157 days today. She don't want to get clean.
OK...help for you? You asked, I'm answering. PC, like I said, you have your own issues and illness and if you don't stop, you will not even be here for yourself never mind the others. You have got to get your life in order. I suggest you call on the powers that be. My Lord can open and close any doors he see's fit. If your nosey sister wants to know what your mother said on her visit with you, tell her to have your mom come over there and she will tell her herself.
OK....here is the skinny. If you can leave, leave. If you can't leave, pull the phone out of the wall. If you can, don't let anyone into your house. Call them all first and tell them you are going into seclusion and it's because you can't deal with your issues let alone theirs. Tell them you are taking a retreat and if you have insurance, I think it would be good for you to go into treatment. Let me tell you, it will bring you to reality real fast. This makes me feel so bad for you. You are not supposed to be raising this family. You are a "branch on a tree" and not the roots and trunk. I will devote my prayers for you today. If you need us, we are here. Hugs and loves

There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Post Edited (Having2LeftFeet) : 6/16/2005 1:47:55 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/16/2005 10:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Pattycake . . . . *Rosie hugs Patty real tight*

I'm sorry things are such a big mess. Ooyyy Vey!!! You sure can't fix everyone else (anyone else!). It looks like you have selected the area where you can be the most help. That is, you listen to your mom. I come from a large family too and when some don't respond to a crises, I try to zone in on how I can be the best help without causing myself more health issues. Be confident in the fact that you are doing what you can (God bless you!). Don't try to do more than your health will tolerate. Shut out the rest (your sister hanging on you for information). Tell her to talk to mom herself.

The others are right, you need to consider your own health in all this. Do you have caller ID? I don't, but I have turned off the ringer on the phone in my bedroom, so that when I am sleeping, I'm not disturbed. I take time for myself each day and during those times, I DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. I have the ringer set for 4 rings and then the answering machine picks up. If its important, they'll leave a message. Then I can call back when it is convenient for ME. Most people do not leave a message.

This was an extremely hard step for me to take, but it has REALLY helped me mentally. It was very hard initially, but now . . . I love it!! By the time I call back the whining person, it is inconvenient time for THEM to talk, so it is generally a more brief conversation!! He he!!

I consider myself a giving, caring person. But, I have limitations too. Be kind to yourself sis!! You have been through a lot. If you do pick up a call that traps you, say "Could I call you back a bit later when I can really focus on your words? I'm a bit distracted right now." Taaaa Daaaa!!!

Hugs and Blessings to you Sister!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We cant control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 6/16/2005 2:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Just another thing. Hope you're OK. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in over 4 months because of an incident. She refuses to send me pics of my 3 grandchildren. I had cried, been depressed, and litterally made myself ill until I finally realized that she's the one with the problem, not me. I gave it to the Lord. I pray for her and the kids every day.

There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

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