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GKimberly
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/23/2005 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone my name is Kim and I am new to this site.  I was able to find it with the help of my husband.  I have been dealing with sever depression for many many years now.  I had what you would call a pretty happy childhood up untill my teen years anyway.
 
In my early childhood years I spent a-lot of time with my pappy he was the best.  Then I came into my teen years and found that spending time with my pappy was taking second place in my life.  My pappy lived on the ocean back home and each time I went to see him he had a way of knowing when something was not right in my life and he would walk me down to the beach and tell me little girl we are not going back untill you feel better and tell me all that is on your mind.  He would take me by the hand and walk me up and down that beach untill I felt better.  I stoped doing that when I realized that having fun with my friends and dating what the thing to do.  My pappy understood and was happy to support me.  Then one day my dad came to me and said that they were going to pappys that weekend and did I want to go.  I of course said no that I wanted to spend the weekend with my friends.  That is the last happy weekend that I ever had.  See I got home from school one day when my dad pulled into the drive and was in tears.  I asked him daddy what is the matter what in life could be so bad that you would have to cry.  What my daddy told me changed my life forever.  He said that your pappy is no longer with us.  Seemed that there was a fight between him (pappy) and my new to the family cousion.  Seemed that my cousion waned what he could not have a was going to get it no matter what it took.  He shot pappy in the head and left him for dead. 
 
I guess that is when my depression set in I was never the same after that.  I swore that I would never allow myself to get close to anyone again.  I hated myself and still do for not taking the time to go and see pappy and say good bye to him see as there was never going to be another time to tell him how much I loved him.  As time went on I was able to gain trust in a young man who was able to support me in my depression and really take the time to listen to me.  He was a great support for me and I loved him just as much as I loved pappy.  He graduated from highschool and we became the best of friends.  He went off to college and we talked on the phone everyday.  Not one day passed that he would not call me to see how I was doing and to let me know that I was always on his mind and that he really did love me and that would never change.  Rodney (best fiend) came home for summer break and I was the first one that he had come to see.  Rodney told me that he had to go and see someother people and that we would get togehther that night and catch up so to speak.  I waited and waited for him and no phone call.  I was hurt and felt lied to.  Went to work monday evening and a mutual friend of ours came in to where I was working and was crying.  My heart fell to my stomach and all I could say was no I can't do this again not again.  He said that Rodney was hit head on by a drunk driver Sat night (the night that we were going to get togther) and that he was killed instantly said that he did not suffer.  I however was suffering and hateing myself for getting angry with him and for not being able to say goodbye once again. 
 
Time went on and I was with meds able to become strong again but then like most folks thouhgt that I was better and did not need them anymore.  I thought of ways to make myself well with out them.  They worked for awhile the my mom got sick.  I found myself having to go into the hospital room and tell my mother that she was dying.  I thought that everything bad that could ever happen had happened and that I was going to have a life of nothing but happiness.  I have watched my mom for three years now suffer and just dye more each and everyday.  My depression has set in again and I have hit rock bottom.  I don't see a way out this time.  I think all the time how much dying would be better than living but I look at my family and my husband and I re-think that.  I don't have insurance so getting help with meds is out of the question at this point.  I have found a local support group that I am going to start going to and I am going to try and get myself well again.  I will write more later to let ya'll know how it is going.  I have to stay strong and focused so that I can do this.
 

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/23/2005 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Kimberly,

I am extremely sorry to hear about your Pappy, Rodney and now your mother.

The first few devastating losses I experienced were very hard to take, but I felt like I was being cradled by God. As I would talk to God about the losses, I realized that ALL of us will leave this earth one day and that we are best to keep relationships with each loved one well tended.

You were doing NORMAL childhood growing up. I hope you don't feel guilty for either loss. Each loss requires a grieving process. Then I like to fin a special way to let go. (Like, thanking God for the time I did have with the person).

If you look at the main page for the depression forum, the second topic is "Depression Resources" if you read the second and third post, there are hot line numbers and a web-site. Please go to those resources and find someone from your state to talk to. They may be able to help you find some resources in your area that will be low cost or no cost.

Please let us know how things go. You are dealing with a very large burden and you need someone that will help you learn to shoulder what you need to and to let go of the rest. Letting go isn't forgetting, it is a way of remembering w/o the pain.

Keep us posted sis!!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


GKimberly
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/23/2005 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
AlwaysRosie:

I wanted to thank you for your thoughts. I know that I have to find away to let go and in time I will be able to do that. I blame myself for what happened to pappy and Rodney and even my mother. I know that in reality it is not my fault and it is God's way of working but I was not done with them yet and I don't know if I will be able in the near future to be done with them. I need them more now that ever and I am so angry that they are not here for me. I did make a contact to a local office and I am going to start seeing them and get back on my meds and on the road to recovery. I know that once I am able to deal with the loss of the closest ones to me I will be able to except myself for who I am and not what I think I should be.
Kim


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/23/2005 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Kim,

I'm sooo glad that you got some help!! It's really important!

I didn't mean that you need to "snap out of it" . . . grieving has its own pace and it has to be in your time. But please, leave the guilt behind you. Have a processional wiping of your feet. Go out to the trash and wipe your feet of the guilt. Use an old towel or even some paper towels and wipe your feet of the guilt and throw it in the trash!! That did not come from God. . . and bad things do happen to good people. The rain falls on the good as well as the evil. Sweetie we never know how short or how long our lives will be. So get as much as you can from each day.

I hope you find some good support here. It is a very caring place.

Keep posting!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


GKimberly
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/24/2005 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you for you caring thoughts.  I believe that this is the first step for me getting well.  With all the support that I am able to see from there and other places I knowt that the road to recovery is in front of me now.
Kim

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