Why...Why...Why?

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CheerDad
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/25/2005 1:50 AM (GMT -7)   
It is early in the morning for me anyways and I can't sleep. My health is detiriorating, my marriage is ruined, and I am feeling much despair. I have decided to move out tomorrow. I guess I hav eknow it for along time now, just didn't want to face it. It feels like my best friend has died and i know that is trud because our relationship has. Don't know if it will end in divorce, but right now I do not see any other path. This has long passed a me problem and is a we problem. I can't save it on my own and i don't feel like she is willing to try. Maybe if I give her some space she can decided which direction she would like to travel. I also know that I am not willing to wait much longer for the decision. It has been almost 2 years since I came to the relaiztion how much i have hurt my family. Compounded with a downward spiral in my Crohn's disease, GI says if we can't get it under control surgery is inevitable. (Don't knock the spelling, a real intelligent person can find more than one way to spell a word LOL). i just feel very scared, overwhelmed and alone.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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Boo
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Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 724
   Posted 6/25/2005 3:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Cheerdad,  I usually post on Arthritis forum but your post caught my eye.  Why is your marriage ruined if I may ask?  Because of depression or other physical problems?  I'm amazed at how adversity can either strengthen or deteriorate a relationship.  We both suffer from depression and hubby is Bi-polar.  It can be a real rodeo around here sometimes.  I went back into therapy this week and it seems to be the life boat I needed.  I just try to live day to day and not dwell on his "failures" in our marriage.  Hope everything works out for you and you're not making any hasty decisions.  Boo

mamana monster
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 2235
   Posted 6/25/2005 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Randy! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I can't imagine what I would do without the support of my family with this DD, I have UC not Crohn's but I get it. I'm sure that it is much harder for a man than a woman, no I don't mean that in a sexist way but men are looked at by our society as providers (yes I know some women would disagree, my opinion only). It is difficult enough to take care of yourself much less others. It is all consuming at times, I had the hardest time after being dx'd getting to remission and as you know even when you reach it, you're life is not the same as before, there is no "normal" with IBD's.

I have always looked at you as uplifting and supportive and it breaks my heart that you must feel this pain. If you don't mind me asking, do you have children? Were you dx'd before or after marriage? My hubby is an ex-Army Airborne Ranger that had little to no patience for illness before I was dx'd, it has not been easy and there are still moments, but he is learning the art of "hurry and wait"! :)

I am so sorry that you are moving out and doubly so that your best friend finds it necessary. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Have you thought about some type of therapy, is she willing?

Try to keep your chin up, vent, vent, vent...

Best wishes

~Under pressure, eggs crack and coal makes diamonds. The same can be said for people.~ 

 

Dx in January 2004 -Pancolitis, IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD

Current meds - Asacol 3x3 daily - Wellbutrin 150mgs daily 

Nexium - 40 mgs daily - Donnatal 3 daily- Lunesta 

 Lexapro 10mgs daily

Darvacet (Degenerative Disc Disease)

Teena

Remission - 5/05

http://www.geocities.com/teenanoel/index.html

 
 


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/25/2005 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all for the support. She isn't willing to go to therapy because I am the one with the problem and we have been in a holdoing pattern for 2 years as she decides what she wants to do. I am not rushing toward divorce, I am just gogin to give her some space and time aprt to decide if she even wants to try.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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Teri16
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Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 5230
   Posted 6/25/2005 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Randy, I just wanted to offer my support and let you know that I'm here to listen anytime you'd like. You've already got some excellent advice...I wanted you to know that I care. Hugs, Teri
"Because he is he and I am I."......E. V. Lucas

"I Hope You Dance".............LeeAnn Womack
 
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dbab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 6/25/2005 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Randy,
I don't know what to say. You have always been a wonderful support to me and I just want you to know that I really care about you and it hurts me to see you hurting. I don't have anything close to IBD but I feel like I'm detirating as well will my DDD, arthritis and constant stomach problems with my GERD and IBS and not to mention my depression and anxiety. I'm only 29 and I've told my husband many times that he needs to go find a woman who that is healthier and that he doesn't need to be with someone that has all of my problems. That most 29 year olds can do laps around me. I have since stopped that talk because I know by constantly shoving that in his face, I would be the one to cause him to leave (not with my illness but with my constant telling him that I was not good enough for him). Don't feel bad right now. You sound like you need answers about your relationship whatever it may be so if a seperation is what has to happen then let it happen. Its the only way that you will both know what is best. Just remember, you have a ton of friends on this site and we will support you in any way we can. (((hugs))) to you and God bless
Des (dbab)
IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD, Disc Degeneration
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" - Mary Engelbreit
 
 
 


MercyFound
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/26/2005 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
hi I'm Cindi and I'm new here, so I cant comment on how helpful you've been - but I can tell you that I'm sorry that things have gone on a bad bent for you. Please know that you arent alone. We are here..
I'm in a depressive mode and cant offer you much - dont have much to give, except my thoughts and prayers...
Cindi
Life is simple - just not easy


GKimberly
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/26/2005 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Randy:

I am very sorry to hear about what your are going throught.  I read your reply and I could not help but notice that you said she would not get help due to it being your problem not hers.  I have to say that I have been where you are I was in a marriage that ended due to it "being my problem" and in a long term relationship that ended for the same reason.  I am now married again and my current husband does not see it that way.  He says it is an us problem.  He says that when I don't feel well it makes him not feel well.  He wants to help me in so many ways.  I believe that if there is true love between you and your wife it has to be an us problem and not one sided.  I am not saying that there is not true love between the two of you I am just saying that untill she is able to come to terms with the problem it will remain one sided and not fair to you.  Hang in there big guy there is light at the other end of the tunnell.  For some it may take longer to get there but with love and support and reaching out and saying that you need help you will be there soon as well.  See ya at the other end.

Kim

 

 


Kim


Mesh
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 6/28/2005 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Randy,
  I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.  Not good for your Crohn's, either. Just more stress. I cannot believe it's all you why you and your wife aren't getting along.  I have read many posts from you, and you are always so helpful of others.  You sound very giving, and intelligent.
I hope the time away will make her realize what she may be losing.  Meanwhile, I am wishing you the very best.
Crohnie buddy,
Michele
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.
~Michele~


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/28/2005 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
It is alot of things but the biggest problem was my anger. I never learned to deal with my illness in a healthy way and so I left a lot of damage in my wake. Just hope it isn't too late.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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Mesh
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 6/28/2005 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Randy,
while your always out there supporting others,... have you ever sought help for this anger ? I mean, finding another way to deal with your illness. I get the opposite,... i just get beaten down, helpless. Just wanting to give up. Maybe talking with someone about how you deal with this, wouls help you to find another way to deal with all of this. I hope I am not being too forward,... but being a Crohn's sufferer also,.. and with your health deteriorating,... maybe now would be a good time to talk about this.
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.
~Michele~


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/28/2005 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, I am in therapy and taking EffexorXR to help with it. Therapy has shown that the anger is rooted in depression associated with my chronic illness. It stinks that it usually comes back to my DD.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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Mesh
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 6/28/2005 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, I hear ya. Everything surrounds this DD !
Has the Effexor really helped? Do you also have anxiety because of the Crohn's? Just wondering if sometimes the anxiety gets turned into anger.
Are you still able to work? Will you have lots to keep your mind busy? I'm worried "BOOM" your going to end up in hospital with the DD attacking you, because of this upset.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for ya !
Please take care !
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.
~Michele~


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 6/29/2005 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Randy,

Don't know how I missed this post . . . but I did.

Just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
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eric1826
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 6/30/2005 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Randy. I went through the same situation last year with my wife. I have IBD and between the illness and her behavior toward me depression became a daily reality. All I can say is I understand what you are going through and stay strong. things happen for a reason. My prayers to you

FamilyGuy
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 3310
   Posted 7/11/2005 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Randy...How ya doing? I've been thinking about you. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Take care my friend...
Jon
 
"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret."
-- Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821-81), Swiss philosopher, poet
 
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Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 7/12/2005 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Randy,
 
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I was really hoping and praying that it wouldn't come to this. I was hoping that you could make things right with your wife, but it takes two. You have done so much to make it work. Sometimes life has a way of beating the crap out of us. Life's just hard no matter what the situation. You have all your members here and we love you. You help so many of us and now we will be there for you. I will pray that God see's you through this and makes your health better and make's you feel better. Sometimes words are just not enough, but knowing we love you says it all.
 
"Lefty" 
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


fair skies
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 7/12/2005 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there, Randy. My sister has Crohns and it's quite a battle. Is a very tiring disease, which I am sure lends to depression. Keep up the fight, friend. As for divorce: sometimes it is inevitable. You feel you've screwed up. Maybe you have. Fix it or get out of it and everyone, including you, will be better off. Good luck to you.

softy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 7/14/2005 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Randy.  I felt compelled to respond to your post.  I so feel for your situation and the hopelessness it can cause.  Best wishes and big hugs to you Randy, it will get better :-)
 
God Bless, Softy
Take care, Softy
 


effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/15/2005 12:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Randy I am so sorry to hear about your news and the depression that comes from your disease. I was wondering how helpful you find your therapist. I was seeing a neuro-psychiatrist for awhile who specializes in sleep disorders and people suffering with chronic illness. He also is really good at reviewing how meds might affect your moods or sleep.

Do you like your therapist?

It sounds to me like you are the only one doing the leg work to try and make things better.

The old saying ......it takes 2 comes to mind. I can not understand why she would not want to try therapy.

However, if things continued the way they have been, then you will never have a chance for happiness.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. The care you have shown others here, demonstrates what a wonderful person you are.

Take care and God bless
I will pray that things get better for you soon,
Judy/effie

CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 7/15/2005 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Thought I would give you all an update. Since posting and me moving to my own place my wife and two oldest daughters have started therapy. They realize that there is work that needs to be done on their end towards finding forgivness. Don't know where this will lead yet but at least itbrings a ray of hope back into the picture. Thanks for all the kind words from each of you.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


dbab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 7/15/2005 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
That's wonderful news Randy... like you said you don't know what that will bring but at least it seems that everyone is trying their best to do all they can. That is really positive and it helps to know that everyone wants it to work out. I'm wishing you the best and sending my thoughts and prayers your way.
Take Care
Des (dbab)
IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD, Disc Degeneration
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" - Mary Engelbreit
 
 
 


effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/15/2005 10:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Randy,
Thank you for the update. That is wonderful news, it gives a taste of hope to the siutation. I hope it helps all of you to put the past behind you, and for your family to understand the deep frustration of having a chronic illness. I pray that you can all find a place in your hearts for forgiveness and for you to find forgiveness for yourself.

I hope you understand that the words that we write are not just kind words. You have earned this level of respect from us. What goes around, comes around. You have shared your wisdom and guidance wtih so many. Now it is time for you to be the receiver of some well deserved support. We are all here rooting for you.
Take care. Keep thinkig positive.
God bless,
Judy/effie

Post Edited (effie) : 7/16/2005 12:57:00 PM (GMT-6)


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/15/2005 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Randi!!

Thanks for the update . . . I'm glad things are looking up. Might be that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know that women are harder to turn around then men are. But if she gets a glint of the 'you' that we know, she will definately find it worth working toward reconciliation. God's blessings in your efforts to reunite your family.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel

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