New-Don't know what to do?-Confused

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kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/1/2005 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
eyes  Hi, I have joined this forum for two reasons.  1. My husband is suffering depression and 2. I believe I must have reactive depression.
 
My husband is suicidal and blames me constantly for his depression.  He tells me he is going to kill himself, because I never loved him.  I can't get passed the feeling that it is all my fault and I am a bad person.
 
Kita

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/1/2005 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Kita and welcome,

If you sat down with a therapist he/she would likely tell you that "you are not responsible for your husband's happiness, he is!".

On the other hand, no one else is responsible for your happiness but you.

Sometimes we act a certain way to avoid a reaction from our spouse. It could be that you are walking around on your tippy toes trying not to upset things and that might be part of the problem. Be yourself. If he hurts your feelings, tell him. Live your life and he wants to join you, fine. But, if he doesn't, don't let that stop you from doing your thing (providing that you respect his needs and honor him).

Please don't blame youself for his suicidal thoughts. Only he is in control of that and it sounds like he is manipulative to boot.

I hope some of the others have some advice for you too. Hang in there sis!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
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Bryce
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 7/2/2005 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hope those on this forum don't mind if I post to this thread.
 
Kita, I agree wholeheartedly with AlwaysRosie. No one but your husband can be responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. I am not being critical of him, God knows, because I have a tendency to do the same thing to my wife. I blame her for my own problems at times. It's not fair to her and I only feel less of a person after doing it. This does sound like manipulation and a desire to control you. If I can't be happy unless someone loves me, I am asking for unhappiness because that is not something within my control. 
 
My wife, thank God, does not put up with my blame or have pity on my self pity. She is a very balanced and strong person and I have learned a lot from her. Don't give in to your husband's blame. Only he can make himself happy with or without your love. My guess is this is a cognitive distortion of his and it is simply not true, i.e. buffalo chips. :)  I would recommend he begin learning about himself by reading some books or parts of books. One author I would recommend is Dr. David Burns. He's written several books on depression and anxiety. You can find them on the net and in the bookstores.  He's a very compassionate and positive person. He gives me hope. There are also some very good cognitive therapy home programs on the market, one of which has helped me tremendouosly, as well as psychologists and professional counselors that can help your husband.
 
You are not a bad person. The only person who can make you feel bad is you by allowing your husband to manipulate you. But he does have to have your permission or approval to make you feel bad. The only way he can control you is with your permission. For your own good and his, don't allow it.

kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/2/2005 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Bryce and Always Rosie,

 Thank you both for your words.  I sit here now looking at the situation with new more positive eyes.  I do get down, but realise that is not going to help my husband or beautiful little boy. 

I really appreciate the information regarding the literature and will seek these books out.  My husband has been prescribed Zoloft for treatment, but hasn't started seeing a therpist yet.  He was told by the local doctor you have to take them at least three weeks before seeing a therapist, so I have some interesting days ahead. 

 


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/5/2005 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Bryce for adding your response!! It's great to hear it from a guy's point of view.

Keep us posted Kita, we are thinking about you!

Hugs and Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie      "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel
Please help HealingWell help others. Donate today: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

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