Thank you for your prayer and words of wisdom. I was/am being sucked into this horrible crap and I do love him very much. Yesterday was definitely my darkest day. I had to drag myself to work today swollen face and all. I was not coping at all I cried for 17 hours straight.
The behavour is definitely there. " In eight years of marriage I have never done anything wrong by you" delusional!! I was even allowing him to blame me for what his mother and father have done to him. He says what horrible things his mother has done to him and then he will say your are just like my mother. Next he will say my father is a horrible man you are just like my father!
Blame blame blame blah blah blah! I am at the angry stage today.
I do have a beautiful little boy and he doesn't miss anything. He very angrily asked his daddy why he got another woman. I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow.
My husband is being really cowardly right now and telling me to warn his family that they better not confront him, because he will kill himself if they do. He is one of three brothers and is scared to face his brothers. I have been lucky in the fact that his family is supportive of me. My family all live in another coutry, but it is always easier for them to say " just keep supporting him" while they are safe in their homes not having to take the abuse.
The cousellor... funny that.. My husband said all the woman counsellors and phyciatrist told him he is having an affair and the male counsellor who is his main counsellor says keep talking to woman you are having an affair with!! I think my husband may be interpreting the counsellors words to match his desires.
I tried something new! When my husband said don't care about me I am not worth caring about. I looked at him and said fine!
I don't engage in conversation with him and now he is full of words and wants to talk all the darn time. I am now at the anger stage and he is like do you need anything blah blah blah!
I am not rude to him, but I have let him know that if he walks out the door that I will be fine and don't even think about coming back. ( I am not really that sure, but I have to let him know he can't treat me like a darn dog anymore).
OK, I did a very quick Google search of "Healthy Boundaries". The following link is the results.
I haven't read any of the resulting info . . . but it appears as though there is lots of info to be had. I hope you will spend a little time to consider some of the info available there.
Sometimes I search the net when I am feeling down and have little energy. Today has been one such day. By looking at what others are saying about their lives, their troubles, and sorrows helps remind me that my life isn't so bad, and perhaps I can go on another day.
I drifted to this site, and this is the first time I have ever responded to any one. However, after reading about your situation I wanted to share with you. I am a male that has been through many years battling depression. I too have taken medication for many years, with counseling. At this time in my life I am at an end, or coming out of a long tunnel with my sadness. My doctor and I are weaning me off of the medication. It is a scary proposition, because I never want to go through any of this again.
Also I am in a unique position, I worked many years as a mental health worker, a register social worker. I left the profession many years ago, and tried a new road, have had some fun doing my present job, so I have stayed with it. But, I have been on both sides of the fence.
The counselor that is (and I use this term lightly) helping your husband (if that person truly has convinced your husband to continue an affair), well then I can only respond with much anger and say that that is a load of crap.
No counselor has the right or merit to suggest one person should do any thing. That is, I would never have made such a suggestion or even hint that it is okay to cheat on a spouse, or leave your spouse. If your husband's counselor did make such a suggestion then they have no business being a counselor. A good counselor, or therapist should only help a person explore the things in someone's life that is contributing to any given situation. Then helping that person come to some kind of terms, and understanding of the situation and/or illness they have. And, most importantly trying to help that person receiving therapy to understand what part of the situation is their own responsibility. What can they do to change their part, or what is called taking responsibility for one's own life.
Eight years ago I had been in a terrible depressive state for a very long time. So long I do not remember how long I had been depressed. It was affecting my whole life, and I didn't even realize my situation. It was Easter weekend. I had three days off. The following Monday, the alarm clock went off and I didn't get out of bed. I vaguely remember telling my wife I didn't feel well, and calling into work. Tuesday, I was still in bed, and repeated the same. Wednesday was the same, and after having a discussion with my wife, I decided something was very wrong, and I had better go see my doctor. I was frozen in bed, hiding from the world. I barely remember getting up to use the restroom. That was the beginning of my worst depressive state.
I have been through a lot in the past eight years. But, I have successfully changed my profession. I no longer am in therapy. And, soon the medication will be gone too. It has been a long process, and there are still days, like today, where I feel "tired". Not physically tired, but tired of living, tired of life, tired of the struggle. But, I have to go on. I am still rising children. My wife and I have two lovely daughters (teenagers), still at home. I owe it to them to keep trying and fighting, but it is my fight not theirs. And, it is my choice to stay healthy, stay married, and be faithful.
My wife! I will have to say that my wife is the single most reason why I am still here today. She is the best. I am truly one of the luckiest guys in the world to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is my bestest friend. We share everything together. I am amazed that she is still with me, because I know I put her through hell and back. But, through it all she stuck with me and supported me, I own her my life.
Kita, we realized a long time ago that a relationship is the single most important thing in life. It is a daily commitment. I remember how lucky I am everyday having her in my life. We both tell each other everyday how much we love each other. A daily commitment. We hold hands, try to do something special for each other once in awhile, have regular date nights, and try to spend alone time just talking. Your husband needs a reality check.
You are doing the right thing in putting down limitations in your relationship. If your husband wants to be married then he should dump the girlfriend, and counselor. It sounds like you need to seek someone to talk with too, so don't be shy in getting some help for you. You need to stay strong for your own sake. You could call and talk to your husband's counselor, and tell the jerk that if he truly is suggesting your husband has an affair then you would have no course than to discuss the matter with his supervisor. (Everybody has one). Even if your husband has not sign a consent giving permission to acknowledge he is treating your husband, you can still have the conversation with him, all he has to do is listen. Who knows perhaps your husband has only interpreted what this counselor is saying, and giving your feedback will help clarify the situation for the counselor.
In any case you are doing the right thing standing up for yourself. I hope this helps a little. Thank you for letting me share a little of my experiences for you.
Thank you for your words. It has been a really tough time and I am not doing well. I finally got some truths regarding the counsellor. He told my husband that starting a new relationship under these circumstances will probably not last.
My husband believes no one in his life has cared about him and that his parents have rejected him. The cousellor told him that there must be something between us, becuase I have put up with the situation so far. He also told my husband it will take years of therapy to get over the relationship with his parents.
I have always found it difficult dealing with his inability to make decisions. I have always got " I don't care whatever you want" when I ask him what he wants. I didn't realise until recently that he is now doing it to our son. I say to him you tell me what you want, so he turns around and asks our 3 year old what he wants and decides to go with his choice. We are having issues, because he keeps telling me I am controlling him (because I don't agree that he should be allowed to have this other relationship) and that I don't love him.
We have talked a couple of times when he wants to, because I am not allowed to engage him in conversation. If I do I am selfish. I sit back and waitfor him to start conversations now, but I feel like I am going crazy now. He will be really bad to me and I will back off, so he will start being nice again and as soon as I let my guard down slightly he starts again.
He has decided to move out, but he keeps saying I am kicking him out. He tells everyone I am making it up about this woman that she is only a friend. " I am sorry you don't ask friends to marry you if you are already married". He looks me in the eye and says I was thinking of staying here, because let me tell you something. You were never able to handle our son and you will never be able to handle him. I am doubting my ability to even raise my son now. I have lost my confidence.
I am thinking we both need a break from this. I told him last night this is his home too, so he threw it back in my face saying no you are kicking me out, so I will go!!
I have done absolutely everything I can think of to be supportive, but there has to be a limit to the crap. He has told me I have been a little bit of the problem and it doesn't matter who he married this was going to eventually happen. I know he is taking everything out on me and I feel guilty all the time for things I shouldn't have to feel guilty about.
He tells me my mother has said all these awful things about me to make me doubt my relationship with my family. He tells me his family can see how awful I am to him. I have been speaking to his grandmother who is 87 years old and she has been really good in being neutral. He doesn't like this, so he is now trying to make me think she is against me to.
He says to me I should have known what he wanted.. If I really loved him I would have known what he was thinking. He uses this example all the time and I tell him you have to say what you feel I don't have a crystal ball. He come back is I don't know how to love!!
I am completely out of energy now and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and be happier! I am seeking help, because I have a little boy I have to be stong for. It isn't right that I feel like it is my fault he is being unfaithful, but I do.