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kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/12/2005 4:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Anyone,
  Please help.  I don't know what to do anymore.  My husbands depression seems to have gone off the rails.  After I found out my husband is involved with another woman.  I confronted him.  He told me the cousellor told him that no relationship in his current life is worth saving.  That he should cut all his family off and move on to new relationships and too keep talking to the other woman. 
 
I am trying to be supportive, but I am losing the battle.  Everything I do is analyzed or twisted into some negative thing.  I cook dinner, so my husband says I am controlling him, because I didn't ask him if he wanted to make dinner.  He keeps saying no one has ever shown him love and that I am going to come home from work one day to bury him.
 
I think I am having a nervous break down.

little brother
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/12/2005 4:49 AM (GMT -7)   
the same thing happened with my father...

im not going to claim i know exactly what your going through, but i have a good idea...this will be a difficult time for you, but things will get better...i promise

Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 7/12/2005 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh my dear sister,
 
This is the straight feelings from me. My heart is breaking for you. That is terrible news and more terrible for the counselor. What the heck kind of advice is that? They usually try to save a marriage, not advise to end it. In his state of mind, anything you say will come out wrong or in the negative. You must be very much in love with him or scared to tollerate his behavior.
 
OK....I will dish a bit of dirt. My husband of 23+ years had 2 affairs, yes TWO that I know of. One was for four months so he was packing his bags as SHE got them an apartment and was going to pay all his bills. Tempting, huh. The more he packed the more pills I took. Finally I ran out of pills and ran up to the pharmacy ant more as I had refills. Why did I do it? For attention, his attention. I had no intention in ending my life. The pills, Xanax would have killed me. When I came back he saw what I was doing and threw me in the car to take me to the hospital. I was a mess. Had my stomach pumped and was admitted overnight. Someone always has to stay with a suicide attemped patient and it was him. He told me he watch me all night, called her and told her he couldn't leave, She got mad, told him I did it for attention and that was that. He came back to the room and watched me until the AM. He cried when I woke up. He was sobbing. He told me he found out while watching me that he loved me and that she really messed with his head. Syicide is a very SELFISH act. It leaves family behind and wondering why? I loved him then and I love him now. He has issues big time, but through them all, he always came back to me. Some said I was nuts, some said I was a glutten for punishment, some said I must really love him and so on. Being Catholic my mom told me to do everything I could do to salvage the marriage. I promised her that if I do all I can and can't salvage it, when I walk away, I will know I did everthing possible to keep it together. The Lord was my sole support with my mom. My daughters had no use for him, and they aren't his. Here is the punch line. That woman who loved him so much married his best friend 1 MONTH later. Boy, was she in love with him or what. He said he realized at that point that he did the right thing. He took me to breakfast about a week later and was crying as he spoke to me. He was so emotional.
 
I am telling you this for two reasons. Men tend to get an "ego" thing and if another woman gives him attention, naturally they will like being the "object of their affection". Second thing is of course he's going to blame you. His problems "overflow" on to you so he feels free of guilt by putting it all on you. Thats their MO. In this case, they are selfish and narcissistic. They don't want to take responsibility for what is happening in the marriage. It's easier to blame you. O, I have heard the "You don't want sex anymore, you don't show me love, you never make me feel good and important". OK....what about you? Does he do those things to you? I bet if you were to tell him you had another man interrested in you, he would do a 180. DON'T tell him that, but that's what would happen. I know because I did it. and he still talks about it. A 2 day affair and he still can't let it go. It's OK that he had 2-4 month affairs but for mine 2 days, he never lets it go. Pure narcissism. Meaning that what ever they do wrong, it's always someone elses fault. They "dump" all their shortcommings on the other person. They are always innocent, they are always right, they are always on the defense and they are always dumping on someone else. Pure and simple. They also love themselves A LOT. They never care who they hurt, beccause to them their aren't doing anything wrong. 
 
OK...now, are you sure this counselor isn't the "other woman" or perhaps he/she is wacky him/herself. O my God.....classic narcissistic. Come home and find him dead??????? PLEASE!!!!! He is full of it. He loves himself too much to do that. What's with the dinner thing? My husband looks forward to my dinners. Are you seeking counseling? If not, you should for someone neutral to share your problems with. You can get that here and we can try to advise but I am not a professional. I am a victim. 
 
You are not going to allow him to cause you to have a nervious breakdown. You are NO one's whipping boy. Don't cook and then when he asks where dinner is tell him you thought he may have wanted to cook. On the subject of the "S" word, because we don't like that subject, anyone who talks about it all the time, 80% of them are full of it. Do you have kids? 
 
I am going to dedicate my prayers for you today. The power of prayer is wonderful. If you believe, you should do the same. You are not alone and we are here for you to vent. God bless you!
 
"Lefty"     
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2005 4:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Lefty,

  Thank you for your prayer and words of wisdom.  I was/am being sucked into this horrible crap and I do love him very much.  Yesterday was definitely my darkest day.  I had to drag myself to work today swollen face and all.   I was not coping at all I cried for 17 hours straight.

The behavour is definitely there.  " In eight years of marriage I have never done anything wrong by you"  delusional!!  I was even allowing him to blame me for what his mother and father have done to him.  He says what horrible things his mother has done to him and then he will say your are just like my mother.  Next he will say my father is a horrible man you are just like my father!

Blame blame blame blah blah blah!  I am at the angry stage today. 

I do have a beautiful little boy and he doesn't miss anything.  He very angrily asked his daddy why he got another woman.  I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow. 

My husband is being really cowardly right now and telling me to warn his family that they better not confront him, because he will kill himself if they do.  He is one of three brothers and is scared to face his brothers.  I have been lucky in the fact that his family is supportive of me.  My family all live in another coutry, but it is always easier for them to say " just keep supporting him" while they are safe in their homes not having to take the abuse.

The cousellor... funny that.. My husband said all the woman counsellors and phyciatrist told him he is having an affair and the male counsellor who is his main counsellor says keep talking to woman you are having an affair with!! I think my husband may be interpreting the counsellors words to match his desires.

Kita


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 7/13/2005 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kita,
     Sounds like he is laying the ground work for the big finalely. I told you how they "spill" their crap onto us so it makes us look bad. I know how you feel and I can say that with truth and honesty. I have been there. Having a loving and supportive family is good. Mine were no that nice. Put all your love into your son, not him. I know it is hard. It's like someone came into your life and turned it upside down and you think it's a dream and you'll wake up soo. Wish it was.
 
I will continue to pray, not fr hum but for you to have the strength. God bless!
 
"Lefty"
 
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/15/2005 5:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Lefty,

  I tried something new!  When my husband said don't care about me I am not worth caring about.  I looked at him and said fine! 

I don't engage in conversation with him and now he is full of words and wants to talk all the darn time.  I am now at the anger stage and he is like do you need anything blah blah blah!

I am not rude to him, but I have let him know that if he walks out the door that I will be fine and don't even think about coming back.  ( I am not really that sure, but I have to let him know he can't treat me like a darn dog anymore).

Kita


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/15/2005 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds like a plan Kita!!! Yup, if you chase a dog, he will run from you . . . but if you turn and go the other way, he will follow. Men and women in a relationship are often the same way. You are respecting him but not being a doormat. That is some very good way to set boundaries in your life!! Thanks for sharing!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 7/18/2005 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Ditto to what Rosie said. Besides, what therapist would say no relationships are worth saving. It is by seeking out to strengthen my relationships with my friends and family that I am able to deal with the chaos of life.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/21/2005 2:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
  I know you are right.  I haven't given into too much of the crap, but I am having a real hard time dealing with his affair.  As far as he is concerned he is protecting himself by having another woman.  I feel like kicking him out, but then I think if i do that I am not supporting him in his time of need.   I am feeling destroyed though. 
 
We had a couple of really awful days.  He came home after a session and told me that there is hope for us, because I am feeling so down and his counsellor believes that if I am feeling so down I am showing signs of caring for him.  I thought we were making progress and after a decent day.  He goes and makes all these promises to the other woman.
 
I feel like a bloody idiot!!
 
I only have his family here as my family live in America.  His family is supportive, but they keep telling me to be patient and be there for him.  I get so frustrated, because they see him in little doses, so they don't have to go nights without sleep.  I feel like I am being mentally abused sometimes.  I feel like he knows my every move and I am just falling into every trap. 
 
Every discussion we have he says it isn't me it's him, but then he says how I have done all these awful things to him and that I am selfish like his mother, so I feel so guilty. 
 
He said he was messed up in the head from his parents.  He keeps telling me the other woman is the only one who cares for him and that he is all alone.  I have been here suffering with him for two months and it counts for nothing.  I am so FRUSTRATED!!  He says to me don't be here for me, because you weren't before.  AHAHAHAHAHA
 
I told you I am the biggest idiot ever!!  I just keep saying to myself he wins I give up!!
 
Kita

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/21/2005 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Think BOUNDARIES!!!

Dear Kita . . . healthy boundaries need to be established in EVERY relationship. If you can't set a simple boundary like monogomy . . . there is a real problem. Please look into getting some counseling for learning how to establish healthy boundaries in your life. If you wear a sign that says "doormat", than you will absolutely get stepped on. If I find some websites on this topic, I'll post . . .

Until then, respect yourself and quit letting this guy walk all over you. BTW . . . I am really a NON women's libber. I am the kind of lady who serves her husband and makes everything nice for him. But he honors me in return and he respects me. I hope I haven't overstepped here . . . but this seems so unfare.

Hugs and Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/21/2005 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   

OK, I did a very quick Google search of "Healthy Boundaries".   The following link is the results.

I haven't read any of the resulting info . . . but it appears as though there is lots of info to be had.  I hope you will spend a little time to consider some of the info available there.

http://www.google.com/search?q=healthy+boundaries&sourceid=firefox&start=0&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

Keep us posted!!
 
Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Metanx, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel


Having2LeftFeet
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 7/23/2005 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  Kita,
That a girl. You're getting the hang of it. I got to the point at one time that I WENT ON STRIKE!!!! I refused to do his laundry, cook his dinner, tend to his needs and I slept in the guest room. That lasted about 3 weeks. If I were you, do the least talking as possible as long as you are civil. He has got to understand that he can't continue to hurt without backlash. Still praying!
 
"Lefty"
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.


J_A_Z
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/23/2005 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Kita,

Sometimes I search the net when I am feeling down and have little energy. Today has been one such day. By looking at what others are saying about their lives, their troubles, and sorrows helps remind me that my life isn't so bad, and perhaps I can go on another day.

I drifted to this site, and this is the first time I have ever responded to any one. However, after reading about your situation I wanted to share with you. I am a male that has been through many years battling depression. I too have taken medication for many years, with counseling. At this time in my life I am at an end, or coming out of a long tunnel with my sadness. My doctor and I are weaning me off of the medication. It is a scary proposition, because I never want to go through any of this again.

Also I am in a unique position, I worked many years as a mental health worker, a register social worker. I left the profession many years ago, and tried a new road, have had some fun doing my present job, so I have stayed with it. But, I have been on both sides of the fence.

The counselor that is (and I use this term lightly) helping your husband (if that person truly has convinced your husband to continue an affair), well then I can only respond with much anger and say that that is a load of crap.

No counselor has the right or merit to suggest one person should do any thing. That is, I would never have made such a suggestion or even hint that it is okay to cheat on a spouse, or leave your spouse. If your husband's counselor did make such a suggestion then they have no business being a counselor. A good counselor, or therapist should only help a person explore the things in someone's life that is contributing to any given situation. Then helping that person come to some kind of terms, and understanding of the situation and/or illness they have. And, most importantly trying to help that person receiving therapy to understand what part of the situation is their own responsibility. What can they do to change their part, or what is called taking responsibility for one's own life.

Eight years ago I had been in a terrible depressive state for a very long time. So long I do not remember how long I had been depressed. It was affecting my whole life, and I didn't even realize my situation. It was Easter weekend. I had three days off. The following Monday, the alarm clock went off and I didn't get out of bed. I vaguely remember telling my wife I didn't feel well, and calling into work. Tuesday, I was still in bed, and repeated the same. Wednesday was the same, and after having a discussion with my wife, I decided something was very wrong, and I had better go see my doctor. I was frozen in bed, hiding from the world. I barely remember getting up to use the restroom. That was the beginning of my worst depressive state.

I have been through a lot in the past eight years. But, I have successfully changed my profession. I no longer am in therapy. And, soon the medication will be gone too. It has been a long process, and there are still days, like today, where I feel "tired". Not physically tired, but tired of living, tired of life, tired of the struggle. But, I have to go on. I am still rising children. My wife and I have two lovely daughters (teenagers), still at home. I owe it to them to keep trying and fighting, but it is my fight not theirs. And, it is my choice to stay healthy, stay married, and be faithful.

My wife! I will have to say that my wife is the single most reason why I am still here today. She is the best. I am truly one of the luckiest guys in the world to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is my bestest friend. We share everything together. I am amazed that she is still with me, because I know I put her through hell and back. But, through it all she stuck with me and supported me, I own her my life.

Kita, we realized a long time ago that a relationship is the single most important thing in life. It is a daily commitment. I remember how lucky I am everyday having her in my life. We both tell each other everyday how much we love each other. A daily commitment. We hold hands, try to do something special for each other once in awhile, have regular date nights, and try to spend alone time just talking. Your husband needs a reality check.

You are doing the right thing in putting down limitations in your relationship. If your husband wants to be married then he should dump the girlfriend, and counselor. It sounds like you need to seek someone to talk with too, so don't be shy in getting some help for you. You need to stay strong for your own sake. You could call and talk to your husband's counselor, and tell the jerk that if he truly is suggesting your husband has an affair then you would have no course than to discuss the matter with his supervisor. (Everybody has one). Even if your husband has not sign a consent giving permission to acknowledge he is treating your husband, you can still have the conversation with him, all he has to do is listen. Who knows perhaps your husband has only interpreted what this counselor is saying, and giving your feedback will help clarify the situation for the counselor.

In any case you are doing the right thing standing up for yourself. I hope this helps a little. Thank you for letting me share a little of my experiences for you.


fair skies
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 7/26/2005 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Geeze, kita. What a predicament. I say you wait it out with your husband. Pray and hope. I do not think you're an idiot. You obviously love the man, so wait a bit. Your anger is undstandable and it's good that you're venting it.

fair skies
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 7/26/2005 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
PS: I'm in agreement with JAZ that the counselor is NOT a counselor. What a darn shame that your husband got this horrible advice.

kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/30/2005 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi All,

  Thank you for your words.  It has been a really tough time and I am not doing well.  I finally got some truths regarding the counsellor.  He told my husband that starting a new relationship under these circumstances will probably not last. 

My husband believes no one in his life has cared about him and that his parents have rejected him.  The cousellor told him that there must be something between us, becuase I have put up with the situation so far.  He also told my husband it will take years of therapy to get over the relationship with his parents.

I have always found it difficult dealing with his inability to make decisions.  I have always got " I don't care whatever you want" when I ask him what he wants.  I didn't realise until recently that he is now doing it to our son.  I say to him you tell me what you want, so he turns around and asks our 3 year old what he wants and decides to go with his choice.  We are having issues, because he keeps telling me I am controlling him (because I don't agree that he should be allowed to have this other relationship) and that I don't love him. 

We have talked a couple of times when he wants to, because I am not allowed to engage him in conversation.  If I do I am selfish.  I sit back and waitfor him to start conversations now, but I feel like I am going crazy now.  He will be really bad to me and I will back off, so he will start being nice again and as soon as I let my guard down slightly he starts again. 

He has decided to move out, but he keeps saying I am kicking him out.  He tells everyone I am making it up about this woman that she is only a friend.  " I am sorry you don't ask friends to marry you if you are already married".  He looks me in the eye and says I was thinking of staying here, because let me tell you something.  You were never able to handle our son and you will never be able to handle him.  I am doubting my ability to even raise my son now.  I have lost my confidence.

I am thinking we both need a break from this.  I told him last night this is his home too, so he threw it back in my face saying no you are kicking me out, so I will go!! 

I have done absolutely everything I can think of to be supportive, but there has to be a limit to the crap.  He has told me I have been a little bit of the problem and it doesn't matter who he married this was going to eventually happen.  I know he is taking everything out on me and I feel guilty all the time for things I shouldn't have to feel guilty about

He tells me my mother has said all these awful things about me to make me doubt my relationship with my family.  He tells me his family can see how awful I am to him. I have been speaking to his grandmother who is 87 years old and she has been really good in being neutral.  He doesn't like this, so he is now trying to make me think she is against me to.

He says to me I should have known what he wanted.. If I really loved him I would have known what he was thinking.  He uses this example all the time and I tell him you have to say what you feel I don't have a crystal ball.  He come back is I don't know how to love!!

I am completely out of energy now and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and be happier!  I am seeking help, because I have a little boy I have to be stong for.  It isn't right that I feel like it is my fault he is being unfaithful, but I do.

Kita


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 7/30/2005 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hugs, prayers, and blessings sis!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)


J_A_Z
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/31/2005 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Kita,
 
You are a saint to have been this supportive for your husband. I feel for you and your situation. My prayers are also with you.
 
You are right in getting help, and wanting to stay strong for your son. Don't forget to stay strong for yourself. I am glad you now understand more of what the counselor has been telling your husband. That puts this whole situation into perspective for you. No one knows how long it will take your husband, to "get over" his problems, you just need to remember that they are his problems and not yours.
 
I hope your husband stays in counseling. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to resolve. However, no matter how many "issues" your husband has brought to your relationship it is no excuse for the things he is putting you through. Whether or not you two put physical distance between your relationship or not, right now it is best for you to get professional help. I hope you understand he is playing a "game" with you and your feelings. So do not get caught up in his game playing. It only make you feel worse, and keeps feeding into his childish behavior. Just like a child, if someone is acting out a childish behavior the best thing is to just ignore it. After awhile they will stop when they know longer get the attention they are looking for.
 
If there are feelings and issues in your relationship you want to resolve or clarify, with your husband (because you think he will try to put you on a guilt trip), then simply ask him to share 1/2 of one of his counseling sessions. Do it at the last minute, or go with him to the office and ask just as the counselor is taking him back to the counseling room. Then you can discuss your feelings and concerns in a "neutral" setting. It will also give an excellent opportunity for the counselor to see exactly how your husband is treating you, and give the counselor a sense of how serious a problem your husband has. (So with the counselor you really hope your husband treats you in the crappy and childish manor that he has been doing so.)
 
Just remember you will be in a controlled environment with the counselor as a mediator. A lot of counselors would like getting more feedback from the spouse, as it helps them understand the "family dynamic". You will have a chance to say what you need to say. Once you have said it you will be the one able to move on with your life. In any case it sounds like your husband is treating you in a very childish manner, and if he wants to be supportive of your relationship then he will have to own-up to his issues, and make an adult decision, i.e., 1) I have issues that I have been dealing with from before I was married, 2) I am now married, and have made that commitment, 3) I now have a choice, so, I can work on my issues and make my family's life a living hell or I can be a man and take responsibility for my family and the marital commitments that I have made while I am working on my issues.
 
Medication for depression is not a cure-all for a persons problems. It is only a medical device that will allow the haze or symptoms of depression to lift for a person. A way for that person to see more clearly. Giving that person a clearer perspective to seek competent, professional counseling. Then engage in that counseling. Find the reasons, mostly unresolved feelings, then find a an appropriately way of expressing those feelings. Remember they are only feelings clouding a persons judgment. Once this feelings have been properly dealt with, it is still up to the person to build a happier life for themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes, not every person is able to grow enough to resolve their issues, and that is why a lot of people act the way they do for the rest of their lives. They are stuck in a more childish or younger state of mind and they never give themselves a change to grow into a mature adult and enjoy all of the great things waiting in life to be explored.
 
All the best to you and your son.  :-)   

kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/1/2005 3:34 AM (GMT -7)   
JAZ,
Thanks for your words. I have attempted to go to therapy with my husband, but he point blank refuses. He keeps saying he needs to get his head right before he can go through marriage counselling. ( I guess this includes him enjoying his sessions with his other woman). I was feeling selfish for not giving him space for such a long time, but I realise it is just plain emotional black mail. At least he has stopped threatening to kill himself, because of me.

I tried to discuss with him this evening how to do what is best for our son, because despite all this he has been a good dad. He believes our son is the only one in the world who loves him. He said he didn't want to talk again and started with the whole I am selfish thing, because I wanted to work out what was best for our son. I said it was BS and he really started yelling.

He is mad, because I don't think we should live under the same roof anymore. He is now blackmailing me about not being able to pay the mortgage on my own. I don't give a darn about this house. I can sustain this place on my income alone, but it is just material at the end of the day. He is trying everything now, because I don't want to be in this environment anymore. I have tried and complied with all the rules, but I don't exist anymore. I can't make him happy only he can do that.

I hope to God I can last another two weeks. He makes me want to slash my wrists daily. I am sure if it wasn't for my son I would have by now. My family all live in America and he knows I am not allowed to leave this country if I want to be with my son. I wanted my mother to come to stay with me for a while, because all his family is here and he keeps tyring to make me believe his family will turn against me too.

I am really really struggling to remember I am not the bad person he is making me feel. I probably sound like a weak little winging fool, but I feel trapped and that I caused all of this by being a bad wife. I use to be strong, but now I have lost all my confidence and fight.

I am sticking to my choice not to live with him anymore. I know this probably proves him right, because I am leaving him in his time of need. I don't think I will survive if I don't leave him.

Kita

J_A_Z
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/1/2005 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Kita,


What happens in two weeks?

From your description your husbands "hour of need" is nothing more than a self-centered ploy for attention. It sounds like he is so out of control right now, that you wanting to distance yourself from it all is healthy thing for you and your son.

I am more concerned for you right now. Anyone that talks about cutting their wrists needs an out let for their own feelings. Do you have someone close to you which you can go for help or just to talk? A person near to where you live? Writing to people in cyber land and talking to family members that live far away are positive outlets for your frustration. However, if your should feel the need to hurt yourself you really need someone close to you where you can call or go to.

I was told once when two people are in crisis and one is willing to get help and the other is not willing then the one person willing to seek help is the healthier of the two. However, just because your husband is in counseling it doesn't sound like he is invested in seeking true help for his issues. It sounds like he is using the counseling as a way of showing everyone around him that he needs help, without really investing or engaging in anything. He is using the whole guilt & depression thing to justify his relationship with another woman. He is putting on a facade for his family and saying "look at me I am a sick person, and I getting help for my problems". His intentions do not fit his actions. If he was truly looking for help in growing as a person he would not be making you and your son's life a living nightmare.

Please take care and write to all of us often here, if any thing, to let us know you are alright. I feel I have invested some of myself for you here on these pages. Why? Because I truly care for you. Why? Because that is what people do, they care for one another. Please stay safe. You know you could take your son today and go do something fun for just the two of you (leave your husband home). It could be as simple as going to the park and playing or getting an ice cream cone. Share some fun time with your son, and forget about your situation for one hour, and I bet you feel a little stronger for doing so. You are in charge now.

fair skies
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 8/1/2005 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
JAZ: He is using the whole guilt & depression thing to justify his relationship with another woman.

Fair: I'm with JAZ on this one, kita. Sounds to me like the man is out of the relationship. A pitiful speciman of a man. I don't know all that's gone on with you guys, but I do know that I would end it if I were you. Your son deserves better and, believe it or not, he will be happier once you separate. Do keep whatever lines of civil conversation open that you can though for the little guy's sake. Your husband blames it all on you to escape responsibility for his actions. What a loser, but, unfortunately, this type of blame game has gone on since the dawn of time. Is his name Adam by chance? HA

kita
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/1/2005 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
JAZ and Fair,
  Thank you so much for your words and prespective.  I will always be civil to him, because I am not going to lower myself.  I realise now he is going to play extremely dirty and make things really hard for me.  He is not going to move out.  He is just playing the game now.  I have visited a lawyer and started some paperwork to make him leave. 
 
I hide in my room now, because I don't feel safe. He has never shown violence towards me, but I know he will drill me down if I am in the same room with him.
 
I have talked about my absolute despair and have many friends near me.  I have places to stay and will start staying at those places until he leaves or I leave.  All the accounts are shared, so I have to be very careful as I don't want to set him off.  He is a computer wizard and has the power to do some real damage to me in that respect.
 
He is really angry that I talk to his family and keeps trying to stop that line of communication.  He knows I can't leave this country if I want to raise my son, so he is using this against me big time.
 
I wish he would just free me!  The new person in his life has a son and gives him an instant family, so I can't understand why he keeps doing this.  I want him to go with her.  He doesn't want me to move on though.  He keeps saying I am having affairs with my work colleagues and he knows that I have been unfaithful.  :(    This is why I hide now.  He is going to do everything in his power now to destroy me. 
 
He was suppose to move out in two weeks.  He found a place, but last night he was saying you are not going to get a cent from me and you won't be able to pay this house blah blah..  He said why can't we just be roommates!!!  GEEEEZZZZZ I don't know!!  I asked him what date he was moving out and now suddenly the place won't be on the market for a while. 
 
 
Kita
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