How can I help him?

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/29/2005 12:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi all,
I'm new to the depression group as I'm asking on behalf on someone else this time.
Please help me understand what my boyfriend is going through..
We have recently started seeing each other and I have learned that he is suffering with OCD and depression.  His OCD comes out in perfectionistic tendancies and I therefore thought it might be initially better for us to be just friends as I care for him very much and would be willing to hold out untill hes alot better.  This is because I know although he hates it, he cant help looking at me with a critical eye sometimes.  His reason for wanting to seek proffessional help now, is that at 34 he would like to settle down and has not been able to find a 'suitable' partner for the fear of his life not being perfect is too painfull compared with being alone.  I can see in his eyes that when he is not letting his thoughts run away with him, he truely wants to be with me too, so I can be patient untill he has seen the councellor and undergone treatment.
I have suffered with mild depression and OCD myself so I know how easy it can be for the mind to simply become out of control, however I have never taken meds.  He has had them twice, first after suffering a major panic attack at 20 and again at 25.
I am trying to be myself as we continue to get to know each other as I am aware that I cannot change for him at this early stage as it would not be a true representation of a relationship to come, but honestly i think that there is not alot I wouldn't do for him right now.
Nevertheless, I would really appreciate the advice of anyone who knows what its like to be in a relationship where one person is suffering and what is helpful or of great hindrance, there's gotta be really wrong stuff I could say!  I realise that if i'm just me and he still runs, that maybe he will need to figure this out alone, but even as a friend I want to be there for him.  I remember having depression some of the really helpfull things people did say to me, but I think it could sound patronising if i pour out my well meaning thoughts into his situation...
hope this makes sense.
'Because He lives I can face tommorow, Because He lives all fear is gone'

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/29/2005 7:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Etty,

I think you figured this out by yourself. I am not trained in any way, just a member here trying to help. You are always best to 'be yourself'. If you can't be yourself around him, the its not fair to either of them.

Hopefully his counselor will be able to help him work through this. I don't think there is any quick fix though, it will take time.

I hope you'll keep us posted. And the best to both of you Etty!

In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 8/30/2005 4:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Etty and welcome. Sorry that your BF is having these issues. I think the first thing is conseling. Perhaps he can find comfort there and new medication that could help him better than what he is on now. He has to want to do this and not feel pressured or obligated to get the help. I hope it wouks out for you!
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

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