Can I Quit Now?

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luvmdo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/30/2005 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello all.  I am new here to these boards.  I was looking for somewhere to vent and someone to understand, and this is where I ended up.
 
Let's see, where to begin?  I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 7th.  I am beginning to wonder if I will make it another week!  I saw her once before and she diagnosed me as bi-polar.  I am not sure that is what is really wrong with me.  Anyway,   I only saw her the one time.  The meds she put me on, I found out could destroy my liver, and so I quit taking them about 2 days after starting.  That is scary to me!
 
I was taking Cymbalta for a while.  I really liked it, but it gave me horrid night sweats and nightmares, so the family doc took me off of it.  I have been completely off of meds for 6-8 months now.  I thought I could do it, but I just don't know any more.
 
I am overweight, have no energy or drive to do anything about it.  So many depression meds make me gain weight, it is hard for me to accept that I may just have to be "fat and happy".  But I guess it's better than being fat and miserable, which I am right now.
 
A little over a month ago we moved into a new house.  I thought it was going to be our dream come true.  This, too, has turned into a nightmare.  In the first week, we got locked out because of a broken door lock, and blew up the toilet.  It literally set in the middle of the bathroom floor for over 24 hours.  Okay for the boys, but I had issues with where to "go"!  LOL!  Now, Katrina has brought us the rain, and we have a leak in the ceiling!  I guess we are in a year contract here, but I am looking forward to the year being over, so we can find something a little better suited for us.
 
I have an 8 year old son, a son who will be 6 tomorrow, my hubby, and myself.  I have issues with my in-laws, issues with my own extended family, and issues with my new neighbors (who want to tell me how to do everything, like they have no idea how I existed for 29 years without their help!).  Anyway, I guess to sum it up, I just have issues.
 
We just got an 8 week old German Shepherd puppy about a week ago, since we couldn't have a dog in the apartment that we came from.  I have waited for a dog for years.  I thought this was going to be wonderful for the depression, but I think the stress of everything together has only made it worse.  I want to give up.  I dispise getting out of bed every morning! 
 
My boys are home schooled, so I am with them 24/7.  I love them dearly, but I feel like they are little leeches, draining everything out of me.  I need somewhere to hide where it is safe and quiet.  Most of the time, the closest I get is bed!  I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know I need help.  I just want to sit and cry.  How do you go on when it feels like there is concrete weighing down your every step?  I believe in God, and know He is allowing this heart ache for a reason, but stupid me just can't get the lesson in it.  I figure if I could learn the lesson, then He wouldn't have to keep trying to teach me, and maybe it would get easier.
 
Please, if you have any advice, I am open to hearing it.  Thank you for the time you have taken to read this.  God bless.
 
 

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/30/2005 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Luvmdo!!

Well you certainly have your hands full right now. Just so you know, we also have a Bi-Polar forum here at Healing Well . . you might want to check things out over there too. Lots of nice folks there including a pharmacist named Danarx. She can help you make sense of the warnings on the drug leaflets. Our legal system allows huge monetary awards to plaintiffs who sue drug companies, so they have become very quick to list ANY miniscual chance of anything they know about on their labels. Consequently lots of us are afraid of our meds. I have no formal training, but from everything I've read, most of the side affects caused by drugs (such as liver toxicity) will resolve if the med is discontinued, so it is generally safe to use a drug and the doc should be doing some periodic testing for liver enzymes etc.

I wonder if you made a list of all your responsibilities and issues right now and then highlite each one that you have a choice to change (puppie, home schooling). Then take each issue that your could change and make a list of pros and cons for it (like pros and cons of owning the puppy). You could either justifiably place the dog while it is still young or keep it and enjoy it more because the pros outweigh the cons. You also have to consider your energy level right now. Is it fair to your children to home school with resentment? Not telling you to stop homeschooling, but to make a decision to either do it well or use puplic or private school system. My daughter home-schools and it has been very rewarding for her. It has actually helped her to organize her apartment and her life. So I'm certainly NOT against it. . . . its just one thing that you do have control over and the school year is just starting for most systems so it would be a perfect time to assess your ability to do this wholeheartedly or put them into a classroom with others.

It sounds like (from your doctors assessment) you could benefit from some medication. I just want to remain open about it. You have some difficult decisions to make and I think the world of you for opening yourself up to advice. Just remember, you can keep any advice you like and toss the stuff that sounds off to you.

I hope you get some more responses here.

Keep us posted!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)


luvmdo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/30/2005 11:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for your response, Rosie.  It is greatly appreciated.  I will try making that list and see where we get. :-) The homeschooling thing is something that I absolutely refuse to give on. (We have attempted public school, which is more stressful to me than home schooling, and can't afford private school - I WISH!)  This year is actually better than previous years, because my 8 year old now has a computer cirriculum that he uses, and it is AWESOME!  I believe he will benefit greatly from it.  It has Bible, history, science, math and language arts included, and I feel he will learn so much.  Although,  I am having a hard time getting him to concentrate.  He wants to race through everything and be done.  But that is something we are working on.

The puppy, well, I just paid $250 for her, so I'm not sure I can justify to hubby getting rid of her at this point.  Honestly, I felt like God was telling me to wait, but I felt like I had waited for 6 years, and I was done waiting.  My stupidity for not listening to God.  But then again, when we took this house, I thought God was telling me to do it, and now, as miserable as I am here, I am beginning to think that I have no idea what God wants for me, and there's no use trying to do it right, anymore, anyway.  It all just turns out like dirt, no matter what I do, or what I try to do.

There is so much that is going on right now, I can't remember the last time I had time alone with my husband to feel loved and protected by him.  I can't remember the last time I had time away from my children to regather myself, and it doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon, either.  What's a person gotta do to get a break sometimes?

Oh, well, anyway, thanks again for listening.  Maybe if I can make it through another month, then the meds will work, or I will be doing work with the doc that will help me get to feeling better.  I do honestly know that I am a passive / agressive person.  So I let people walk all over me until I get to the point where I feel like I am going to explode.  That is where I am now.  I feel like I am going to explode.  My father, mother, neighbors and children are walking all over me, and I have had enough and feel like just leaving them all behind.  Why is it that they all think it is okay to take advantage of me all the time and then when I do go off because I can't take it anymore, they label me as a "b"?  Why am I such a wimp that when they make requests of me that are too much for me to handle, that I can't say no without feeling like a "b"?  I really want to quit this job!  It just doesn't pay enough!



Where in the world am I?


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 8/30/2005 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
No you can't quit. I know that I have wanted to several times, just sit down and say "I can't do this any more". But each time I feel that way, some place inside me that I am unaware of bubbles to the top and gives me the strength to continue. Good luck and come back often.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
 
Randy
 
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AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/30/2005 5:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Luvmdo!!

That's progress . . . you KNOW what you want.

Now, you just need to learn how to set boundaries so other people don't take advantage of you. There are books and classes for this and the big effort is just learning how to say "no". It took me many years to learn to do so and now that I am able, things ARE a whole lot better and no one bites your head off.

I try NOT to say yes on the spot. I have trained myself to either say no, or to say I will think about and get back to you. I am surprised how understanding people are.

You are doing a good job working through this sis . . . keep us posted.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)


Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 8/30/2005 7:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello luvmdo,
 
Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I can see how much you are struggling.
 
Through my struggle with depression I learned that I can't help anyone else without taking care of myself first. In reading through your message I see how much you are taking care of your husband, children and now dog but there doesn't seem to be much (or any) time for you.
 
I used to have a very chaotic life with lots of advice from others and I soon learned (with the help of a psychologist) that I had all of these things going on to avoid the hurt underneath.
 
Have you considered seeing a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist? A psychologist will focus more on therapy, behaviour modification, cognitive modification (thinking) rather than medications. A lot of what you're describing can be worked through in therapy. Psychologist's get more training in therapy than psychiatrists. A GP can always prescribe anti-depressants.
 
I can empathize with your struggle with your weight. Since I met my husband I have gained 100 pounds. He is kind enough to love me just the same but I feel fat and ugly a lot of the time. Part of my depression is eating. I also suffer from migraines and can eat us out of house and home trying to get rid of a headache.
 
I think I have finally learned to accept myself at my current weight and I work at losing weight in a healthy manner slowly, though I still have my bad days. I have bought clothes that look good on me and I walk as often as I can. I feel better, healthier and its a natural mood lifter.
 
Good luck and keep in touch.
Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
 
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.


luvmdo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/30/2005 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you so much for your post, Coquitlam.  I appreciate all of the feed-back I am getting.  It's nice to be somewhere where people can understand me.  God love my family, they love me and put up with me, but I don't think they understand me!  I hurt a lot for my children because they have to deal with my moods with no understanding of why.  Bless their hearts!

I have seen the psychiatrist that I will be going to on the 7th one time before.  It was then that she diagnosed me as bi-polar.  But to be completely honest, I had self-diagnosed myself with bi-polar before I went in, and I think maybe the way I answered some of her questions could have been misleading (how-ever unintentionally).  I am going to be honest with her about that when I see her again and am going to be open minded about what SHE the DOCTOR thinks I may need.  If she thinks I need meds, fine.  If not, that is fine too.  I know that I was seeing a psychiatrist before her that was only interested in what meds to give me, not in any type of therapy.  One of the reasons that I decided to give this woman another chance is that although she prescribed meds for me, she was very quick to point out that I also needed "talk therapy", and she would be happy to provide that for me.  This seems like the wisest decision for me at this point, because my family doctor is frustrated with prescribing different meds every time I turn around and want me to see someone trained in the brain department.

I finally got to talk to hubby for a while tonight about what is going on.  This house is not what we thought it was when we got it.  There are little things about it that make it less than ideal for us.  Not the least of which is living so far from all of our family and friends and giving up the convenience of where we used to live.  With gas prices the way they are, we are being eaten alive these days, due to the drive time to do the littlest things, like grocery shopping, ect.  One HUGE problem I am having here is that our neighbors are very nosey and intrusive.  They have children who are about the same age as our own children, who are not expected to follow rules in their home, or in ours.  And these people want to tell us how to do everything from how to put our children to bed at night to how to mow the yard, to how to interact with our family.  And they've known us less than 2 months!  I can't get over the audacity!!!  I think I was feeling trapped and terrified that there was no way out, and I was stuck here to deal with this for the rest of my life!  After talking to hubby, he was very compassionate about it all and said that we would work on finding somewhere to live back where we came from.  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.  I feel like smiling now for the first time in over a week.  Thank God for that man!  I don't know what I would do without him!

So now, enough of that.  I have to ask, where did you get your screen name?  It sounds Indian.  Hubby is part Cherokee, and we are fasciniated with Indians.  Got a living room full of them!  LOL! 

Well, thank you again for the advice, and just for listening.  God bless you all so very much!


Where in the world am I?


Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 8/30/2005 8:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello luvmdo,
 
I am glad to hear things are looking up. It's surprising what a chat can do. It sounds like your Psychiatrist is the right prescription. My doctor was the one who suggested counselling and it was the best thing I have ever done.
 
As for my screen name, it is the name of the town I live in Coquitlam. It is named after a local First Nations band "Kwikwetlem".
 
Good luck. Keep smiling.
Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
 
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/30/2005 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad you had a good chat with hubby. So glad he understands. Well, at least your kids won't have to switch schools to make this move!! LOL

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)


luvmdo
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/30/2005 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and support.  It is appreciated more than I can express! 

The move probably won't happen for at least a year, but a year I can handle, a lifetime might have driven me off then deep end.  I don't feel backed into a corner now, and that makes all the difference in the world, I think!

Thank you again, and God bless!


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/30/2005 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds like a plan sis!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)

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