low self esteem

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Devine Mercy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/1/2005 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband went to a topless bar where my cousins girlfriend works with a friend and if i had low self esteem before i really got it now. I feel degrated and like nobody cares about me. All this caused me to have a episode . Im at a point now where i really dont know what to do. My husband acts like its nothing but i cant. I dont even feel like giving him a hug. am i wrong ? I cant help the way i feel. Like the lowest person on the toteem pole. I want to lose weight too and have tried everything but cant lose. I just really hate myself.

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 9/26/2005 10:38:48 AM (GMT-6)


Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 9/1/2005 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello,

Have you asked your husband why he went to the topless bar? Once you have listened quietly to what he tells you could you tell him calmly how it makes you feel that he went? Would he listen? Communication is an important part of a marriage.

Good luck.
Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
 
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.


Devine Mercy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/2/2005 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
yes he told me his friend drug him up there and i did tell him how i felt but im still upset about it.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/2/2005 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hugs for you Mercy. That would be a difficult situation. But he degraded himself. Please don't put his mistake on yourself. Hold your head up and start caring about you. You can't really do your best for others if you don't make caring for yourself a priority.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
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Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 9/2/2005 8:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Well said Rosie!

Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
 
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.


effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 9/5/2005 3:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear DM,
I am sorry that you are feeling so low about yourself right now. Please remember that you did nothing wrong.

When I was working as a consultant for the school board, a lot of my colleagues were male. On days when we had professional development meetings, one in the morning, and then another one in the afternoon, the guys always went OUT for lunch, rather than eating the buffet provided by the conference people.

I finally figured it out that where they were going was to a topless bar during the lunch break. I felt really degraded that they would do this and leave me alone at the conference and then come back like it was no big deal.


I pulled out some research done by York University, which showed how men who watched a video tape of a rape trial were very supportive to the woman until.......

The next step in the research was to show them a movie which included topless women.

They then showed the same men another rape trial. The story was slightly different in the second trial, but the researchers tried to keep the variables as similar as possible.

After viewing images of topless women the men were less supportive of the rape victim and were much more likely to think she somehow deserved it.

I showed them this research in the hopes that they would realize that their so called innocent lunch, could have some very powerful effects on their thought process towards women. They would be influenced at a very subliminal level to view women differently.

I found that by not arguing with them, rather, just sharing some very clear and easy to read research dissertations, it gave them the opportunity to rethink their so called innocent behaviour.

Scientific facts spoke massive volumes and I was not involved in petty arguments or judgments. I simply gave them something to think about.

I could have reported their behaviour and made a big stink, but I found this calm, back door approach seemed to work. It did not happen over night, but after a few months, the men colleagues started having the buffet lunch more often.

Just remember there is nothing wrong with you. It is just the behaviour of men who have not been educated enough to understand that this behaviour is demeaning to them and does effect how they see women. It is in the research. If you want me to find you the study, let me know and I will look it up.

You are beautiful even if you have a extra pounds on. If your husband wants to help you lose some weight, perhaps he can start walking with you a bit each night. Just take baby steps, and remember you are beautiful.

I can read between the lines, that you are the type of person who would never intentionally do anything to hurt another human being. In fact I am sure you would be one of the first persons there to lend a hand if you can. By helping others we help ourselves.

I feel sorry for these women who because of the way our society is, find that working at topless bars is the only way they can make enough money to survive.

Perhaps you could take your mind off your hubbies behaviour by gathering up a little box of samples you might have at home of shampoo or hand lotion, a couple of clothes that do not fit you, some old magazines, some children's books or toys and donate them to a local woman's shelter to help women who are trying to get their lives together without working in topless bars.

Hang in there, once you realize that it is what is inside your heart and head that counts, you will start to feel and look more beautiful on the outside.

BTW, there are lots of reputable companies on the internet that will send you samples of things like little deodorants and shampoos that you could put in your box to donate to a woman's shelter.

A quick Google search should provide you with some research studies on the negative impact behaviors such as attending topless bars will have on men. Luckily, the impact of such behaviour can be reversed by stopping the behaviour.

Effie/Judy yeah
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