CRASH!! Bad Time

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chrissie79
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/8/2005 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Ok, i'm really confused at the moment, i just don't know whats going on.. things seem to be going ok for a while, then suddenly.. CRASH!

wtf??

Whats going on.. i have so many reasons to be happy, so why aren't i?

I'm having loads of bad thoughts which are slowly and gradually taking me over.

Its getting to the point where i don't know how to deal with them anymore.

Help!

Being confused is normal for me, but i just don't know why i'm so low, i can't really think of anything that could have triggered it. Maybe its a waste of energy to search for reasons all the time anyway.. maybe there aren't any anyway.
sad   sad sad confused

effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 9/8/2005 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear chrissie,

Depression can strike at any time. Sometimes it is precipitated by an event, then it is called "reactive depression".
However if your brain is wired a little differently you may have a chemical imbalance that causes depression.
It is nothing to be ashamed of. Needing medication for depression is no different than a diabetic needing insulin.
Just like insulin type and amounts have to be monitored and sometimes altered the same is true for depression meds.
I have suffered from depression since my first husband was killed in an accident at work.
Five years ago I married a man from Keighley, in Yorkshire. He is a teacher like myself. I have one son from my first marriage. We live in Ontario, Canada.
I find myself quite depressed lately. I watch the horror stories on television about Katrina. I think that I do not have the right to be depressed. These people have real problems.
However I know that when I went and had my medication changed, the first two caused problems, bad side effects, than with the third one I did notice some improvement. I need to get back to seeing my therapist but it is so expensive. We have health care coverage to see a psychiatrist but not a psychologist. When I saw a psychiatrist he felt all I needed was to lose 30 pounds and then I would cure my depression. Unfortunately it is not that simple. Every day is a struggle to wake up and do anything.
Tell us a bit more about you. I know you are 26 from a previous post. Are you working? Are you a student? Are you single or married? Do you live at home with your parents?

My son is your age, a little younger, and he too is depressed, but he refuses treatment. It just breaks my heart to see his sadness.

Share a little bit more about yourself and then maybe together we can brain storm some ideas to help you feel better. Hope to hear from you soon, mate( that is what my husband would say, mate) Judy/Effie

chrissie79
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/8/2005 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Thanks for your replie effie.
 
Here's a bit more info about me.... i'm 26, i live in southern england and i'm female, i'm gay and live with my partner with whom i'm very much in love and i know she loves me too.
 
I've had problems with anxiety and depression since i was a child, maybe as young as 7 or 8, this is however, only in hindsight, and of course went undiagnosed. I completed highschool and was glad to leave due to the bullying i was put through there by other students. I started a performing arts course at a local college which i completed, and i think they were pretty good years. Things however began to spiral downwards in 1998. Eventhough I wasn't entirely aware of it at the time.
 
By 1999, I had had to quit work because i was too ill, began taking overdoses, and was in and out of psychiactric units on a regular basis. To date I have had 12 admissions to units, all because of suicidal thoughts and behaviours.
 
I was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, (BPD) which is a diagnosis i 'mostly' agree with!
 
Anyways, depression and anxiety come with the BPD territory.
 
The medicines i take are prozac and lorazepam.
 
I have tried so many different medications it would take me a long time to remember them all let alone list them, but various anti-depressants, anti anxiety, mood stabilisers, sleeping tablets, etc.. you get the gist!
 
So yeah, anyway, thats a bit more about me.
 
 

effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 9/9/2005 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear chrissie,

Thank you for sharing more about yourself.

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered with depression for so long.

Do you recall any events that may have brought on your depression at such a young age? For example did your parents separate or did you experience a loss? Or were the other children already bullying you when you were only 7 or 8.

I understand about high school. It can be a very depressing place for a lot of students. Often parents and other adults will tell you that this should be the best time of your life. This is not the case for a lot of high school students. If you feel like an "outsider", every day at high school can be pure he**. Did you have a best friend at all that helped you to cope with those miserable kids that thought it was cool to “bully” you? Were your parents aware of the difficulties you were having? Were they supportive, or did they give you the keep a stiff upper lip lecture, the good old British saying? I honestly think parents often do not realize the extent and level of cruelty that is occurring in schools with bullying. It even happens to very young children. The pain of this for the victims of bullies can be overwhelming and devastating. I have heard teenagers say they could cope with physical bullying better than the emotional bully.

You probably need to spend some time in talk therapy, going over that experience, talking about how you coped with it, and talking about strategies you can develop so that you are never a victim of bullying again.

I am much older than you and a couple of years ago I experienced bullying at work. I did not cope with it well at all. It was a new experience for me. I had never been a victim before. However when I became ill and my mobility and health were compromised, I guess I was an easy target.

I am working with my therapist to try and learn what role I played in this horrible experience. I sometimes still have nightmares about it. Together I am working with my therapist to try and see what I might have done to have initiated this and how I could have responded to it more appropriately.

My response was to have a nervous breakdown. I cried for months and really isolated myself. It really interfered with my job performance. I was often late and was constantly losing things and every day I had a massive headache. The minute I saw some of these bullies my heart would start racing, my legs would go weak and I felt like I was going to pass out. I never once stood up for myself, I just cried. I also had high absenteeism.

The other thing about high school is that there is strong research out there now that shows that the hours of high school are not the ideal learning times for the brains of most teenagers. Most teenagers go through a change in their sleep patterns right around the age that they start high school. Therefore students are often chronically fatigued whilst in school, which does not make it any easier to deal with academics or social anxiety.
Everything is so much harder to cope with when you are tired.

On top of all this you were most likely struggling with your sexuality. Without a support outlet for that confusion etc. then you would feel even more like you were not accepted and an outsider. These days some of the high schools are initiating programs for gay youth. I think that is great. It helps gay people to have a place to vent and share.

It sounds like you found your niche when you were in college because you have positive memories of that time. Try and think about what made that time so special. How could you recreate those kinds of feelings in your present life? Did you meet your partner there? Was it because there was greater acceptance of your sexuality? Were you feeling more confident? Did you have a special friend? What can you think of that you had in your life then that you are missing now?

Also when you were diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder" did they give you some strategies to cope with this disorder, or did they just medicate? I hope they spent some time explaining it to you, the causes etc., and strategies for coping with this in every day life. You might want to pursue a second opinion on that. I have seen gay people given that label simply because they were gay.

Research shows that med alone is not the solution. You should be involved in some talk therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy.

You have a right to be happy. You have to do everything you can to find a good therapist that can help you to start to learn to find happiness.

I am saddened to hear of the fact that you had to be hospitalized because you felt so low that you harmed yourself.

Please review the rules of this site. I do not want to see you have your posts deleted because of discussing suicidal ideation.

You need to get help and get it now. You do not want to end up back in the hospital. If you can get therapy weekly whilst still living with your partner I think you would find it more comfortable. However this is only my opinion. I am not a medical doctor. Perhaps you do need to be hospitalized again, as long as you get therapy in the hospital and not just medication.

A friend of mine had a friend who was hospitalized for bipolar. However the doctors did not give her therapy. They said she needed to get her meds stabilized before they can talk to her. I do not know the full details of the case, but I feel that is a cop out. I think not having any one to talk things over with just made it harder on her and she eventually signed herself out.

I know from my husband that it is hard to get help in the UK. However you absolutely have to take care of yourself. If you can not want to do it for you right now, do it for your partner.

You must realize how much pain she would feel. Your lives together would be so much richer if you could become happier.

There are lots of links on this site. Perhaps you could ask the moderator from the anxiety forum to give you the name of a good online program she is using. Her name is Lyn.

Also Rosie or Cheer Dad might be able to give you some suggestions on sites and places to go to.

I wish I could just give you a big hug and take all your pain away. I know that would not do it. Just remember that you are a valuable, beautiful person who deserves to be happy.

I will pray for you. I know it is not easy. Like I said I struggle with depression and so does my son. There are no easy answers. It is something I have to work hard on. I find in trying to help others I help myself.

Just please let someone know, a professional, that you feel like you are going downhill again.

With some intervention, meds and therapy maybe, no definitely, you can and will be happy again.

Take care,
Judy/Effie You Are Special. You Are Loved.

effie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 9/9/2005 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear chelssi,
I just wanted to apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I had written earlier but when I pressed submit for some reason it would not allow me to submit my post.
So I copied what I had wrote to a word document and saved it.
Then about eight hours later I had no problem copying it and pasting it back to HW and then submitting. I guess the site was very busy earlier or something when I tried to submit before. I am not very computer literate so I am not sure why I had a problem earlier.
Any way I hope my words help you a bit. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Judy/Effie


Moderators:
I realize this post is very long. I know it is too long. As soon as chelssi reads it I will delete it in its entirety. Please accept my apologies. This will be deleted by myself shortly.

chelssi if you want check on my profile you will see my email address. if you email me, then you could send me your email address and I could give you my msn or yahoo address.
To see my profile just click on my name "effie" in the left hand corner of my post write above where it says veteran member.

Take care all,
Judy
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