Depressed teen

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/14/2005 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Alright, i'm not sure what i'm going to say here. I've been depressed on and off since I was pretty young, about 10, when my father was killed. However, that seemed normal, and I was never in any constant state of depression. It was just when I had to think about it. I had a few really great years in middle school and my Freshman year of high school. I had some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for, and I never really felt all that sad. Then I moved halfway through my Sophomore year, to a nearby town. It didn't seem like a bad thing, I was actually looking forward to it. I wasn't far from my friends, and i'd be going to a better school. As someone who is very intelligent and had always wished for a better opportunity to learn than the school I was at, that was a great thing.
However, since i've moved I just haven't been able to express myself. Even the simplest conversations seem like huge tasks. It's not that people are cruel to me, they're not. The people in the neighborhood are always trying to talk to me, but I just can't think of anything to say. I've never been extremely outgoing, but I used to be a very opinionated and fun person, I certainly never had problems talking. I can't even do that now, no matter how hard I try to be outgoing or form relationships with these new people, I just feel awkward. None of them have a whole lot in common with me, i'm a year or more ahead of most of the people in the neighborhood. Those that might, I just haven't been able to approach. I spend the vast majority of my time now on the computer, and the problem is it's nothing new. I've always enjoyed computers, and so nobody is realizing how sad I am. I talk to my old friends all the time on the computer and that makes me feel great, but I certainly don't want to ruin that by talking about how sad I am. We were never that kind of person anyway, we mocked those kinds of people. We didn't understand how people could let themselves become like this.
I feel like I can't talk to my grandparents about it because it's far too uncomfortable. It wouldn't feel right with my grandfather, and my grandmother takes things way too hard, or just gets the wrong impression. She'd either think it was some phase I was going to, or if she realized it was serious, she'd never forgive herself for not noticing. All that would do is make two sad people. I have no real friends anymore, just people who are friendly to me. Certainly not the kind of relationships to discuss something like this. I'm a junior now, i've been at this school almost a full school year and can't find anyone I feel comfortable talking to. It's getting worse, too. I should be, according to test scores, a straight A genius student. I've always been a bit of a slacker, but done well enough to get by. Like, Bs. Now I'm getting almost straight Cs, and it has gotten gradually worse and worse. This adds the stress of trying to get my grades up and I feel overwhelmed. I snap at my parents and say things I don't even have a reason for. I'm not making up cruel things to say, but I constantly get frustrated about something and pick away at their flaws. I've probably made them feel terrible and I don't want to. I don't even think about it, or remember why I did it an hour later. I don't want to do that. They've been the nicest people to me in my entire life. They've raised me since I was a small child when my father and mother couldn't handle it. Even more recently when I was reintroduced to my mother who I hadn't seen since childhood, I couldn't bring myself to bond with her, and I could tell she was trying. She's made some terrible mistakes but she really tried to form a relationship with me and I just didn't let her. She gave me a calling card to call her with and I never do. We haven't spoken in over a year now. The only two strong relationships I have with people I see regularly are with my aunt and her girlfriend. I grew up with my aunt, and idolized her, she's the closest person to me in the world and now she's found the most wonderful person. It's the best thing that's ever happened to her, and I bond with this person too, we have a lot in common including political views and computer knowledge. Not to mention, she's extremely intelligent and we bonded over that. They're probably the only people who keep me going at school because they know how much potential I have and expect so much from me, so I don't want to disappoint them, but I am. They're moving away to Massachusetts in April, because one of them got a job at Harvard University. I'm supposed to move in with them when I graduate so I can go to college up there, but I feel like at the rate i'm going now i'd be lucky to get into a community college. It's a similar situation there as with my old friends, when i'm around them i'm the happiest person in the world. I don't think to, or don't want to, discuss those things around them.
I do well at putting on a mask. It's true that I don't talk to anyone anymore other than the casual hello or when I talk about school work, but I don't think anyone could see how sad I am. They just think I don't talk a lot. That's not true, I used to be full of conversation. I don't know what it is or why, but even when I find people I have things in common with I just can't have a decent conversation with a new person.
I feel like I might want to move back to my old school, but if I did that, not only would I lose a great school but some of my old friends went to a special academy for gifted students this year, so it wouldn't be the same. There's pretty much one close friend left there anyway, and that is my best friend. I haven't seen him in forever though, we talk on the internet sometimes and he seems so happy, he wants to get together sometime but it never fits into either of our schedules.
I just can't seem to catch a break, or perhaps it's that I don't give myself one. The only person i'd feel 100% comfortable talking to is my father, and I can't do that. I was just starting to form a great relationship with him when he died, and we're very similar people. I feel like because of that I might have even built him up to this god-like status in my mind that he wasn't.
I've covered a thousand different problems and it's pretty all over the place, but i'll come back later and try and make sense of all of this. I just don't know who to talk to about it, or what to do. Today was a really bad day (and for no reason in particular, I just felt sad the entire day) and I had planned to throw it all out there with my grandmother tonight but I just couldn't do it, so I looked around for some place where I could just get all of this out. I guess that's a start.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 267
   Posted 9/16/2005 8:13 AM (GMT -6)   

You didn't say if you are receiving any treatment for depression such as counseling or medication. If not, you could speak to the school nurse or guidance couselor for confidential referral. As for speaking to people - you sure did a great job here! You are well spoken, detailed and well written. So I bet you would have a lot to contribute to any conversation. I agree with the other poster that people love to talk about themselves. Compliment someone on their outfit, talk about their hobby etc. and before you know it you'll be chatting. When they find that you are a good listener, then they will open up and make you feel more relaxed.

By the way..I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. Hang in there and keep coming back if you need support.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 5230
   Posted 9/17/2005 10:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Tog!

I'm not a regular here, but I saw your post and I wanted to say Welcome! :)

Though I know it's not much, :) we're here for you, whenever you feel like talking.

Be well, Todd and remember to write back again and let us know how you are doing - I'd love to hear how your school year goes!!

My best wishes to you and bunches of Hugs, Teri :)

"Because he is he and I am I."......E. V. Lucas

"I Hope You Dance".............LeeAnn Womack
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 5230
   Posted 9/17/2005 10:15 PM (GMT -6)   

Yes, it was a good start, Tog! :)
"Because he is he and I am I."......E. V. Lucas

"I Hope You Dance".............LeeAnn Womack
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating:

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2004
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/18/2005 1:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the group!

You've recieved some really good advice from the group like seeking counseling and getting others to talk about themselves. I would like to add that for the time being, it would not be a good idea to say these things to other students. Stigma is unfortunatly still out there. One of the teens I know said that was a BIG mistake on her part and never could live it down the rest of the years she went to school there. But you have us to confide these things to and we will help you the best we can.
It takes guts to talk about these things and get help. Know that you are being very courageous.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 9/21/2005 5:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome Tog. The teen years are tough enough without the added burden of not having your parents there for you. Can you open up to your girlfriend?

I'm sooo sorry about your dad. I wish he could be there for you Tog.

Regarding your mother, it would be totally understandable for you to keep her at a distance as she had essentially rejected you (not placing any blame here by the way). Maybe some day...

I've found that even if my problems aren't solved, when I can talk about them and somebody listens I feel better. Please feel free to come here anytime and "talk", we'll listen and try to help as best we can.
Take care, Softy

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 9/27/2005 5:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm no psychologist, but since the move and seeing your real mother came about the same time, I'm wondering if you are feeling guilt that you didn't use the calling card--and are punishing yourself for not talking to her by not talking to classmates. The easy way to find out is to call her.

I haven't seen or talked to my real father since I met him (I was 14 then). He made 3 "mistakes" and I simply never had any desire to forgive him. Life was easy for nearly 40 years, until other family members encouraged my grown children to meet him. They liked him a lot--and boy did they put pressure on me. He's 87 now, his 6 brothers and sisters all passed away before him, his children have moved away. He's lonely and would like to see me.

Me, I'm still the same stubborn 14 year old--at 63. I know I'm not being nice. I expect to pay for it.
No one says you have to hit it off with your real mother, but what's a few phone calls if it keeps you from getting in the mess I'm in. Besides it might make a difference at school.

One last comment. I'm also genius IQ, and didn't have the good fortune you did to be with the top students. Congrats on that--and get back to being where you belong and with the people who will keep you challenged and happy.

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