I hate being depressed, but don't really know how to combat it as it creeps up on me. I am depressed now, and will seek help. does anyone have some idea of how I can make myself get moving and through days? I have been throguh this before, too. I was diagnosed with major depression (at age 20 or so), possibly chronic or recurring, and have successfully come through it 3 times i am 35 now. I am depressed again, though, and I hate it.
My fiance doesn't quite get it either - how one cannot change one's perceptions overnight- it drives both of us crazy that I think only in worst case scenarios - i hear brakes screech and assume someone has run over a dog. I don't know. It happens on a small scale, too, and is seriously impacting my relationship, my work, and my ability to want to get out of bed in the morning.
I look forward to nothing, I do horribly escapist things like read for 6 hours on end rather than do anything (i read rather than worked yesterday - and when one works for onesself, that's a destructive habit to start), i don't keep my promises to myself (like not reading rather than working, etc), and i wake up each morning with a huge knot of anxiety and unhappiness in my gut. i just want to crawl out of my own skin and get away from the way i feel. and why can't i escape into work or something that matters? i am making a mess of my life, and cannot afford to do that at all.
i'm sorry. i promise i will get help. i just started again on Zoloft, and it has worked well for me in the past, but i want to work with someone - i did not need to slip this far into depressive and escapist bad habits. I think i needed to vent.... sorry.
i just don't know how to make my sweetheart understand either - i am not suicidal, i would never take my own life. he does not understand the difference between feeling suicidal and just feeling so low that the occasional "wish i never had existed" thought runs through your mind. and yes, i am disgusted and horrified and upset with that thought, and that's the one that spurs me to seek help and try to think of the things i love.... fiance, dog, autumn colors, being outdoors, whatever
i don't know how to help him understand that i know i can and will be ok, but it is going to take time... ugh...