I understand what you are going through. I have feelings such as yours. Sometimes I don't think my husband understand. I have been trying to keep myself busy and not think so much about things like that. Its hard also with the smoking. I smoke as well and I don't want to gain wait yet I know its bad for me and the money could go to something better but I can't stop. I wish you luck and just take one day at a time. Life is so short and I have to tell myself this every day. If you take baby steps each day it seems to get easier.