My husband is depressed

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Atthebeach
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/11/2005 8:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
 
My husband and I have been together for 13 years - just celebrated our ten year anniversary.  W  A couple of weeks ago, Hurricane Wilma hit our area and we had no power for  about ten days.  My husband and I both work retail and were under alot of pressure to get our stores open.  His job is alot more stressful.  During this time, he seemed very short with me, stressed and unhappy.  When I asked him what was wrong, he would say he was tired.  I believed him and attributed all this to the hurricane. Since then hes been in this little funk and I just believed he was stressed from work and tired from the hurricane recovery. 
 
Two days ago, I came home from work - he was supposed to be out of town for work.  I sat with him and chatted about little things, work, traffic etc.  and then asked him why he came home early.  He then proceeded to share with me that he did not feel connected to me anymore and was depressed and was going to see a dr. on Monday.  We talked a little about our relationship, and although it is not always perfect, I believed I was in a happy marriage and could not believe he was telling me this.  We dont have kids yet, but we do have a dog and he mentioned things like maybe our affection for the dog was taking the place of what was missing in our relationship.  I go to the gym about 5 times a week and find it a great way to relieve stress and very empowering.  He mentioned something about how good the gym makes me feel and he just wants to come home and sit on the couch. I have asked him to go with me many times and he says no and has some excuse.  Talking a little more about his feelings, he mentioned things like trying to be a role model, wanting to protect me, always wanting to be the person who fixes things.   When I asked what he meant by role model he talked about work, about his family.  His job is stressful and he is constantly on the phone because of it.  His mom passed away when he was 20.  He has  four brothers that look up to him.  His role in the family is the guy to call when you need help.  He is what they aspire to be.  It almost seems that after his mom died, he sort of took over her role.   I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but could not answer any other questions right now about what he  wants.  He said his head is spinning and he did not even know what day it is.   He said before he can make any decisions about our relationship, he needs to fix himself. 
 
He has lost twelve pounds, is only eating sometimes and has not had a good nights sleep in weeks.  Again, we were out of power for a while with no AC and little lighting so it was difficult to sleep with all the windows open.    He has all the signs of depression, I just can't believe that I did not see them.  He never talked to me really.   The good thing is that he is getting help.
 
When he told me all this, I felt betrayed and angry that he could not tell his wife.  I was sad because it hurts me so much to see him in pain, and I am scared for my relationship.  Right now he cannot give  me anything.  He does not want to touch me, he barely talks to me.  He does occasionally say he loves me, but usually after I say it first.
 
I have told him that I will be by his side while he goes through this. I will  even go   to counseling.  I love this man so much and cannot imagine my life without him.  We dont have kids because we have had trouble conceiving and I am currently working on different methods of infertility treatments, the problem is I need him there.  I am 37 and he is 38 and up until now , we have wanted kids and now he said he feels he needs to be a good husband first.
 
I am trying to understand his illness, but I need reassurance that we can work this out and he cannot give this to me.  I know this is about him and not necessarily about our relationship but it is so difficult for me to deal with this.  He said he needs space, and I try to give him some, but it is hard to ignore someone in the same house.  I dont know if I should try to act normal - I feel like I am overcompensating so he knows how much I really do love him, but he does not want that.  I am afraid if I give him space, he will feel like Im not supporting him.  And even though he is the one that is depressed,  I have spent many hours the past few days crying, I have been sick, I am not eating and I am having a hard time focusing at work.   I am sleeping okay but often wake up to make sure he's still there.   All of a sudden I have become insecure.   I just want some reassurance that we can work this out.  He's getting help so that is a start, but I am so scared.
 
I know this is a long post, I apologize, but I dont know how to handle this.  I love my husband so much and believe that marriage is work.  I want to support him and be strong, but it is so hard because of my fear of losing him. 
 
I also wanted to know that how soon after treatment do you start noticing changes.   My husband had his thyroid removed and has been taking meds for three years.  I dont know if that would impact anything.  If anyone has any insight that could help me, I would love to read.  Thanks for listening.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 11/11/2005 10:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Beach,

Yes the Thyroid can cause lots of body systems to go wacko. Hopefully the doc is keeping close tabs on the this.

Sounds like you've both had the rug pulled from under you. My heart goes out to you after having gone through such a difficult time with the hurricanes.

Sounds like you both might benefit from counseling . . . maybe even a marriage counselor. The struggle you both are going through with the stress and rebuilding from that huricane may have caused some unexpressed junk to pop out. None of us are professionals here . . . we just try to support each other.

Depression meds can take several weeks to really build up in the system. It can also take a while to find the 'right' combination of meds and counseling.

You've found a caring place . . . I hope your'll keep us updated.

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)


softy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 11/13/2005 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I'm not sure what to say but I sure feel for you hun. Maybe you could write him a letter or copy what you wrote above and you both could discuss this. You seem to express yourself exceptionally well, keeping the lines of communication open is very important. I really hope everything works out for you both together. Let us know how you're doing.
Take care, Softy
 


softy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 11/13/2005 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Also, in answer to your question about how soon after treatment do you start noticing changes, are you talking anti-depressants? If so, it's 4 - 6 weeks until the full effect takes place :-)
Take care, Softy
 


softy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 11/13/2005 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Also, in answer to your question about how soon after treatment do you start noticing changes, are you talking anti-depressants? If so, it's 4 - 6 weeks until the full effect takes place :-)
Take care, Softy
 


Atthebeach
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/14/2005 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Thanks for listening. Ive been reading alot about dealing with depression and am understanding it a little better. Its very difficutl not to take my husbands actions (or lack of) personally. But I know its the depression and not really him. He shows little to no affection, conversations are limited to yes know answers, and he spends the evening watching TV. I dont want to pressure him to talk , but the silence is uncomfortable for both of us, yet I dont want to ignore him - I keep emphasizing that he cannot go through this alone.

Today he went to his PCP and she prescribed Effexor and reccomended talking with a therapist. It was difficult to even get him to talk about this. I am working on finding a therapist that specializes in marriage/family therapy and depression so I can learn more about helping him and myself and then hopefully when he learns a little more about why he is depressed, we can go together. I am willing to do anything to help him through this.

Its tough to be strong, but I keep telling myself that in the long run, this will only strengthen our relationship. I have a few good friends and my sister in law is a psychologist, and they have wonderful listening to me these past few days. Work is hard to focus on , but it gets me through the day. I go to the gym regularly which has always helped relieve the stress of the day - and that seems to be only salvation right now.

I guess I have to take it day by day.

Thanks for your advice and listening.

Hatchgirl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/4/2006 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi There

I think my husband is depressed also but he does not want to see a counselor even with me. Any help?

james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 1/4/2006 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Ask him to go to your regular doctor first and see if he/she can do anything,if he dont want to see a counsellor,maybe she/he will be able to help

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/5/2006 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Atthebeach
Your husband is VERY lucky that you are trying to find ways to help him,and to understand the disease yourself. So many spouse's just try to look the other way and don't even bother looking for answers. My b/f tells me to "snap out of it" I've suggested that he reads up on it (he's on the net all freaking day) but he just ignores me.

Good Luck to you!
Don't worry about the world ending,it's already tomorrow in Australia!


Glenniem
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 1/5/2006 10:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Crap.
I bet I missed you.
Your husband sounds like me: Parents dying early, etc. Here's my take on it;
Your husband was forced into a leadership role too soon in life.
My dad died young and my mom just meandered and I was never left with a role model to show me leadership.
I also know that a lot of boys have huge shoes to fill. Society plays a part in that. Boys are in many instances not to cry, are supposed to be tough, be the alpha dog, etc., and believe it or not, so many men are scared at the altar because they know they can't fill the position intended for them. It's too much to handle.
These men cannot share their weaknesses with their spouses because it means that he is less strong for her than what he thinks is required. And just saying it isn't true isn't enough.
That's why he couldn't tell you. It's about him. I go thru the same thing all the time, I haven't broken the chains that bind me, and I've been married 15 years and I still feel the need to hide most facets of my depression.

Post Edited (Glenniem) : 1/5/2006 10:23:48 AM (GMT-7)

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