help! My marriage is falling apart...please help

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boujac
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/13/2005 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there. I am new to this forum. I am in desperate need of advice!

I think my husband is suffering from depression. It's a long story to try and tell the whole thing but here goes.
We have been married for 2 years, together for 5, friends for 16. He has had "the blues" several times before. We have always worked through his bouts before..and always had a great friendship and marriage.

That being said...he is often withdrawn and has tried to sabotage our relationship in subtle ways on several occasions...always saying that he doesn't deserve me. He is often down on things and is nover content with being happy.

He has never been diagnosed with depression. In the last 6 months...things have gotten really bad.

He is a musician and 2 years ago he started a band that has become extremely successful. Because of this...he has had to be on the road on and off for the past year and a bit. Things were ok at first...hard but we managed. Then he lost his job and was forced to do odd jobs and go on unemplyment to make money while he was home...this also meant that he spent most days all day at home.

For the past 6 months... he has been very withdrawn. Our communication is totally gone and he will not talk to me about anything. His sleeping patterns are way off, he is not eating, he is on the computer all the time, he has no time management, and is unhappy all the time. He said he was depressed about not working and seems down on everything. But then it comes time to go on tour agian and he is gone and living in a van and not eating properly and living this strange existence where his reality is comprimised.

He started saying that we want different things..and that he doesn't know what he wants. We used to both want a family and now he refuses to talk about it. He says that I don't support him and that he can't give me what I want. He is pushing me further and further away.

So now he has completely retreated from me, his family and friends and is drinking a lot. He has been on the road for the past month. Before he left we tried to get into councelling but couldn't get an appointment until he got back.

A week ago I learnt from his bandmates that he has been talking to some girl in another city that they went through on this tour. He stayed with her in her bedroom and didn't tell me anything about it. I asked him about it and he says the have been talking as friends and now he has feelings for her that have made him question his feelings for me...because he can't talk to me anymore.

I see this girl as a symptom of his depression. He is only talking to her...no one else. He says he's confused.

He is coming home tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed and mad and pretty much every other emotion. We have only talked a handful of times in the past week and nothing has been dealt with and I have been at home freaking out.

I know he is not seeing that it is depression that is doing this. He is confused and is not living in reality and is trying to kill our marriage so he doesn't have to be responsible for it. I am not sure whether to just leave and let him figure it out on his own...or try to make him see what he is doing. I love him so much and want things to be good again but I can't go through this anymore. He needs to get help and I fear that I can't help him.

These past few months have been hell and I have basically waiting for him to come home now so we can work things out. Now I fear that it is too late. My friends tell me to not let him in the house but I don't really want to do that. But I need him to see what he's doing...

Help!!!

Red Rose
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 11/13/2005 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh boy, I feel for you. I think you're going to get a bunch of different answers based on each of our own past experiences. My two cents, just because of the other girl thing, I'd choose to go on with life without him. Whether or not it's a symptom of his depression, it's just wrong.
I know you want to help him and I really don't know how other members came to accept their depression. In my case, it was a doctor in college that pointed it out and I've just learned to accept it from there. I think it's like any problem. Until the person says he has a problem, he can't be helped. (I could be wrong.....just my opinion).
I wish you all the luck with this.
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Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 11/13/2005 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
you have given us a lot of information in your posting and I really appreciate it and your courage in doing so. I would tend to agree with your friends - who know you even better than we do obviously - and not to let him in but change the locks immediately and have one or two of those friends around visitiing for that day and two or three days afterwards. And make sure that your mobile phone is fully charged, and your landline has the number of the police hq programmed into it
so that you can call the cops in seconds if you have to. Stay alert! nono he is putting himself and his own interests  very firmly before anyone or anything else so you should do  the same. I know you have feelings still for him but he is not the same man that you married and I think that the only way you'll get that man back is to give him as he is now a shock so that he realises what he had and turned away from. Don't weaken...
 
Best Regards, SS x
'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson


boujac
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/13/2005 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok thanks for your posts...
Another thing...he says "nothing" happened with this girl. He did not sleep with her...just in her room. I know that doesn't make it better... I don't know why I had to add that.
I've thought about changing the locks and all that. I am terrified of being weak.
I know that he is still in there somewhere.

bevhea
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 11/13/2005 3:29 PM (GMT -7)   
You need to know that the marriage is not at the end and quit being frantic.  Do like the person above said.  Take measures to protect yourself--then watch and see.  Odds are you make his life altogether too comfortable for those steps to send him elsewhere.
 
You didn't mention meds.  I'm not one for medication, but I'd make that my first requirement for him to get back in the house.
 
Also, find out what he's looking at on the internet.  Most likely he doesn't delete the history.  It could be useful to find out what is going on with him, but don't be surprised if you find something you don't want to see.
 
bev 
 
 

boujac
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/13/2005 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok - looks like he knows not to come home. He is staying with his brother. So we shall see. I know that I need him to know that what he did was wrong and that he has to be accountable. There is much that needs to happen before he is let back in here.

I am trying not to panic. It's a lot to take in in a week. I went from feeling like our marriage had a chance to feeling totally helpless.

Also re: meds. I am not a believer in medication. He was taking St. John's Wort a few years back and it seemed to help. I feel that he needs to first admit he has a problem and then take the necessary steps to change it. He admitting he has something wrong with him would be a start at this point.

thanks agian to everyone for all your help...I will be sure and keep you posted.

AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 11/13/2005 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi boujac,

Sorry your having such a hard time right now.

Your hubby has another big problem to deal with . . . alcohol. I hope you are making a plan for what kinds of things he needs to agree to before you get back together. One thing should be a drug/alcohol assessment and his agreeing to follow a counselors plan for dealing with that. Another thing is to find out what's got his attention on the internet, which could be another clue for counseling. I would expect him to agree to counseling for depression as well and you might want to rethink your belief about anti-depressant meds. They can be key to pulling out of depression.

We don't think a thing about it when a diabetic needs insulin. With depression, our brain chemistry is usually lacking something and the meds help us retain those needed chemicals. Please consider supporting his use of anti-depressants should his doctor recommend them. . . and he should see a doctor as well.

I hope you two are able to get things worked out. I hope you will keep us updated too.

Blessings to you friend!!!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
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softy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 11/13/2005 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
My heart goes out to you boujac.  I really don't know what to tell you but due to my past experiences, your husband staying in another womans bedroom raises huge red flags.  I also agree with the other posts on looking at what he's doing on the internet.  I don't want to discourage you but I see how you seem to be trying really hard in this marriage but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. 
 
Also, regarding the anti-depressants, sometimes they are the only way to receive help while sorting through things and learning different techniques for dealing with things.  I personally hate being on them and don;t tell people I take them but know that they have literally been a life saver for me.  I'm learning other ways to appraoach lifes issues but until then...
 
I really hope your husband changes and wants to work through this with you.  Let us know how you're doing.  We care :-)
Take care, Softy
 


SaraTG
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 11/13/2005 6:51 PM (GMT -7)   
  I don`t usually post on anything but the heart board but your subject title caught my attention and I just had to read your post..My first reaction is that this guy is trying his best to tell you he wants out of the marriage without having to come right out and say it..He`s hoping you will say you want to split and he`ll reluctantly say..If that`s what you want..While inside he`ll be screaming YES!..I know it will hurt a lot and is always embarrassing (I think that`s the main reason most people put off divorce, they are afraid of facing others with it)..But time will heal all and you will be much better off...I`ve seen far to many people waste many valuable years and most of their youth stuck in obvious deadend relationships and finally end it after the best years have slipped them by..I`m sure most will disagree with my view but all I can go on is my long life of observing human nature and the general feel I got from your words
Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
What they mean
What they say
Mother

Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life?
Can you hide them from the waiting world?
Oh mother


Ti Jean
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/13/2005 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi boujac,
 
I'm new here and male. I'd like to start by saying I feel there is a lot of wisdom in what the other posters have been saying.
 
It takes two to make a relationship and I'm not seeing that he's putting a lot into it.
 
It is completly accurate that what's happening may be revealed with what he is doing on the net. Be sure you want to know the truth about it, because it could be painful what you may find.
 
You sound like a lady who really loves him, but you can't save him unless he is prepared to own his own issues and work on them. I do not want to hurt you, but my heart suspects he may be involved in a relationship that is not platonic.
 
The other posters provided real wisdom. You have to look after yourself.
 
I have not disclosed much about me yet, but I hope when I do I'll get the caring, frank support that the others here have offered you.
 
Ti Jean
 

Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 11/14/2005 12:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Since you have told us that he is staying with his brother, that does give you time to change the locks etc.. and to build up a support network amongst your own family and friends... to make sure that someone is only a phone call away..don't feel guilty or think that you are NOT the victim because you are..

You have said that you are 'not one for medication' - rules are fine but you should know when to break the rules, they are for us not us for them (rules)....

Low self esteem usually comes with a loathing of oneself eg the person you see looking at yourself when you look in a mirror... first thing to do to combat that is get in front of a mirror and start pulling funny faces, it is hard to despise or hate someone when you are laughing at them :-)

regards SS x
'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson


bevhea
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 11/14/2005 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Geeze, I'm the hardnose and I even believe your husband may have simply talked the night away. Lining up on that side is that the others who were with him told you--it's hardly likely that they would have said a word if they believed he was cheating.

SaraTG said "I`ve seen far to many people waste many valuable years and most of their youth stuck in obvious deadend relationships and finally end it after the best years have slipped them by.." That's exactly what I did. First there was the divorce, then one day I looked in the mirror and saw wrinkles. I didn't care about getting older, but it made me realized how many years I invested and lost in a loosing relationship.

My husband was an alcoholic who was often depressed--at home. He owned his own business and I worked in it, but without a salary--so nothing was going in SS or a bank account for me. My name was on the house, but not the vehicles--guess what got foreclosed on and what didn't. He walked away with everything that wasn't nailed down. I was left with the kids and debts.

Your story is different, but there are enough similarities that the saga is the same. Protect yourself--physically, emotionally, and financially. I wish I had.

bev

james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 11/14/2005 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Boujac,I am a recovering alcoholic (4 years)and I am torn in what to put down.
As aguy I say to change the locks and get your support as chances are he cheated
On the flip though I know what its like to be there and sometimes its easier talking to some one on the outside ,
My heart is saying change the locks and salvage the rest of your "prime" years if he is acting like that ...but thats my opinion you have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself if I was in his shoes what would i be doing in that room with that woman and that should tell you what to do ...be honest with your self when you look within
goodluck
J

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


boujac
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/15/2005 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate all your posts...

This NOT about the other woman. She is a symptom of his feeling depressed and dislocated from reality. I am not feeling like I did anything...I am feeling like my husband is gone, emotionally. I know he betrayed me and I believe that he did not sleep with her...but he has been talking to her instead of me and that is still an affair in my books.

I did not change the locks. He is not to go home without me knowing about it and he is staying elsewhere.

Really I need to know how to make someone see that they are depressed and need to get help. Right now I have chosen to move on...not sure what to do about the living situation. I love him madly but I cannot make him change. Until he tells me his is willing to change and get some help... we can't be together. We are speaking this weekend and hopefully I can get more of an idea where his head is at and let him know what I want from him.

I am 30...we always kept our money separate and I am self sufficient. I know I will be ok on my own (I have pratcially been on my own for the past two years). I have everything in my name. I see these as my prime years....I want children and a partner that is around and that isn't afraid to love me.

sadsunshine
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 398
   Posted 11/15/2005 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey,

I'm certainly not a doctor or a marriage counselor but for myself, I don't see another woman as a "symptom" of anything. Withdrawl from loved ones is typical for depreesed people however. If he is seeking comfort from another person and has emotionally disconnected with you, it may be time to reevaluate your situation.

I don't have much advice, it's your life and if you feel that you want to work on your life with your husband, that's up to you. I will say that you can't force someone to seek help for depression. Are you (or is he) close to a family member who might be able to get him to at least see a doctor or open up?

I wish you good luck and I hope you find the answers to your questions and the strength you need to get through this.

Take care . . .

Sadsunshine

james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 11/15/2005 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Everyone who has some type of problem wether it be depression ,alcoholism or whatever ,has to want to help themselves ,it took me hitting rock bottom to seek help I did and we got thru a very dark time our lives ,but my wife begged me to get help for along time before I did ,but I did realize a need to and he to will .ask him to go to a counsellor with you ,it cant hurt
J

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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