I am not living life - just the "motions"

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karilyn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/22/2005 4:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Greetings- Any advice ...? I have had a serious depression before - I am not in one now but I am worried this ongoing dullness and sense of hopelessness is dysthmia ... and the road to a major depression. Years have passed and I am always low but functioning at work ... Problem is that I am not doing anything other than work (and on weekends watch movies) ... In addition to the sorrow now I also feel anxious ... I get stressed by the mere thought of having to wash my hair for work ... At work I do my duties, forget to take lunch and when I leave to go home my heart is heavy - what am I going home for is the daily question ... How do you pick up the pieces of a life let go of for so long your friends have moved on ... I see others living life - I am not I am just going through the motions ... ugh I want to get better, to feel alive, engaged with life - advice?

annieb721
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/22/2005 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karilyn,

So sorry your feeling this way. I feel the same. have had a lot of losses in the last 5 years and also feel like I'm just going through the motions. I just came off of lexapro and my saddness is magnified. don't want to go back on it so im just trying to hang in there. I don't know how to pick up the pieces of a life. for me the answer would be to work out and eat healthy and lose the 50 lbs ive put on. i have a treadmill right next to my bed and i look at it while im watching tv(bad addiction) and don't get on it. i just cant seem to motivate. maybe we can do this together.

annieb

cant breath
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/25/2005 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I am in the same position.  This is not living it's existing and I can't stop it

bevhea
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 11/25/2005 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not real comfortable with answering this one, because I remember the feeling, but not how I got out of it. I call it my loneliest time. I do know that when I came out of it, I made new friends (I'd felt like the old ones deserted my sinking ship). I was already picking up the pieces when the following happen.

A new friend and an old friend--who didn't know each other, both wanted me to take the same college course, in my area of interest. They wanted me to help them study. It seemed like a sign, so I did it. Even studying was going through the motions, but by the end of the 4 month course, my loneliest period was over.

The elements in that, which may have been important--were adding a new structure (the time for the class) to my schedule, two people depending on me to help them, my own pride (the grade), and being around other people I didn't know or care about.

Like I said, I was already getting over it, but don't really know how--maybe is was just recognition of my situtation and determination before that. I really don't know. I've been thinking about answering this since the first post and wondering if any of the elements of taking that class was more important than the others. As I wrote, I knew it was pride.

Grades were always important to me, and I think I got so wrapted up in the grade, that it kick started my recovery. I don't know if that helps or not, but we all have something we are prideful about. Maybe chasing something that antagonizes and feeds pride is an answer.

Don't know, just guessing.

bev

cant breath
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/25/2005 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   

It was actually school that got me through a period like this a few years back.  Now I cant get back to even that.....I am just so tired.  In the end I failed at even school by not being able to finish my last degree.

The point just comes where I have to know when to say "uncle" and give into the fact that it's no good to keep fighting.  I know I am getting closer to that.


bevhea
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 11/25/2005 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Can't breath, you are totally wrong about saying uncle. If you saw what a mess I was and all that I've been through in my life--compared to what a wonderful life I have now--you would have hope. In fact you'd probably get up and dance a jigg that your life is so much better than mine was.

I was already started on the road to getting better by the time I took that course. So I was leary about writing, since I really don't know the real beginning of ending just existing.

A lawyer told me that it takes one good year to get over every three bad years. I found it worked. In my case bad years were 1982-1948--34 years minus the good years about 7. That left 27 bad years divided by 3, which equalled 9 years to get better and wipe the rest away.

If all it took to wipe out my past was 9 good years, I was going for it. I began solving one problem after another. I go up. I got active. I went to counseling and alanon. I went back to work. I made the house nicer. I started being social again. I took that college course. about half way through the 9 years, I began dating a nice guy. Things continued to get better. I found a hobby I loved and I began laughing again. At the end of the 9 years, after dating the same fellow for 4 years, I decided I could trust him and I moved in with him. about the same time, I got the job I homesteaded until I retired. I've been estatically happy every since.

Counting the years is pretty cool. Every good (or improving) year really does wipe out three of the bad ones--you remember them, but they don't bother you like they do now. It's hard, but worth everything you go through.

I'm the same basic person I always was--just maybe a bit bionic, better, faster, stronger. Seriously, I'm happier than I ever was and somehow, I've also become very lucky--good things keep happening to me. That part is weird, but I like it!

bev

myusername
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 11/26/2005 1:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm in the same boat. I remember one year that while not necessarily good was at least showing signs of improvement. Other than that, I can't remember ever in my entire life having a good year. Maybe I did as a young child, but my memory is almost completely erased. I couldn't remember even if I did have a good year. At some point within the past couple years, I completely gave up all hope. I've accepted that this is how things are and that they won't change for the better. The sad thing is I could have been given a second chance. Instead of trying to help me, the state only made matters worse, creating new problems while enhancing the existing ones. As a zombie shutoff from society for so long, I never had the chance to learn the skills I so desperately lacked and that anyone competent would have been focusing on teaching me.

bevhea
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 11/26/2005 4:37 PM (GMT 0)   
I was a sexually abused as a child--about 3 years of it--then other things happen that were actually worse, and more devastating to the quality of my life (for 20 years-to my full lifetime) and to my emotional welbeing (3 breakdowns).

When I finally made it to a group for the sexual abuse and began reading more about it, one of the things I learned was that as long as we wanted outside help, we were still victims and we would stay victims, until--taking a line from a movie or something-- we said, "no more."

In another thread I mentioned the sexual abuse group and said that being in the all victims group was worse than being in a mixed group of vics and perps.

While in the mixed group, the vics "explained" or semi-argued with the perps, but when the perp shouted they kept quiet. In the all vics group, they talked and talked and talked about all that was wrong, all the reasons they couldn't ...., all the people who weren't ....., all the ways they were stuck ...., all the failed attempts at......,

I had shouted at the perps, I had accused, humiliated, demeaned, and harrassed the perps, but in the group of women victim, I was silent and appalled, because I heard them say all the things I had said and do the same quirky things I had done--like 25 years of having a messy bedroom floor (which in group I came to equate with making traps so a perp couldn't get to me). I saw most of them wearing the same inexpensive, worn shoes I wore--as if to keep themselves trapped--unable to run if need be. The perps had had good solid, well shined shoes. I noticed a lot of weird things--too many to name.

I bought new shoes as soon as I had the money. I forced myself to clean the bed room floor and under the bed. I moved the piles of junk away from windows and doorways. I learned to keep quiet when that was best and to demand in ways that got attention. I wasn't going to send signals that I was now or had been a victim. I wasn't going to be a victim ever again.

It took time to change a lifetime of habits (my fear reactions), but it can be done--and it is worth it. I had bad things happen after that, I had bad bosses, I had personal losses, I had sad times. I still do. That is life. I tend to panic when things go wrong, but in a few minutes or days, now I'm able to take control myself and the situation to the best of my ability--and give up vague hopes that things will change.

Example: when my last boss was a terrible man, instead of thinking about the crappy way he treated me and that he would be my boss for 3 years, I virtually ignored him and focused on helping the other people he hurt. It turned into an interesting stand off, in which, I wanted out and he wanted me out. He saw no signs that I was leaving--so he offered me an early out, with a handsome severance pay. I ended up staying an extra year to get it--and then laughed all the way to bank. That would never have happened if I were still a victim.

bev

Glenniem
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 11/28/2005 9:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I would like to join this club of dysthymics.
I have suffered for over a generation. Stupid me, I was suspicious something was wrong, but I never trusted my gut.
PM me. I will talk to any/all of you.

sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 11/30/2005 2:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel the same way!!!!!
***Take Care.....Sheryl***
 
SERENITY PRAYER: "GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE; COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE........

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