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Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/10/2016 9:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all. I just came across this site through a book I'm reading on curing depression. It wasn't until a couple months ago that I realized that I have been suffering with depression for a long time. Suffering is the operative word. It's such a terrible feeling and I really want to rid myself of it.

Things are to the point where I just don't care anymore. I function fine every day and can take care of my responsibilities with no problems. However, there's a constant feeling of hopelessness when I am by myself. I deal with the public each day and my personality is a night and day difference. At work, it's a party atmosphere. When not working, the hopelessness returns. Over the years I've tried, and tried to break it but, nothing seems to work.

I came here as a venue that I haven't tried yet. I hope it does some good. My work schedule prevents from checking in every day. I'll try to respond when I can. I really want to get better.

Thank you.

Tom Tomato
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2016
Total Posts : 102
   Posted 12/10/2016 11:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to Healing Well.

I feel the same way. I really do. I get up every day and it's like nobody "real" even cares. I can go outside for a walk, but I would rather have my own quiet flat to get back home to, otherwise the cycle of being fed up lingers. Because right now, I reside in a main door house with family.

Why are you depressed? Usually the first step to beating depression is to talk about why you feel depressed. Is it because you lost someone dear to you? Is it related to stress?

In my case, I feel depressed because I am not receiving support due to having autism, and numerous other annoyances that stack up. Well, it would take all day to name everything that bothers me. Keep in mind, you're not the only one who hates their job - plenty of folk would probably rather be doing something else, but it's a way to pay the bills. And I would imagine the work routine leaves you with not much time for anything more enjoyable.

Try eating healthy, at least. It helps a little bit. The minute you start binge eating junk food and consuming alcohol, your body is trapped in a constant state of depression.

I just hate being single. I think I'd be so much happier if I was in a loving relationship. But they are so common to everyone but me. At least it can feel that way. Not doing anything either means I cannot overcome this without help.

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/11/2016 8:13 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't know if I can pin it one thing. It may just be what I perceive as a constant stream of bad luck to where I've lost all my confidence, motivation and the will to keep trying make things better. Similar to being beat down to the point where you can't get up anymore. Both professionally and socially.

My job, as far as what I do, is not a real problem. I do field service and travel to different locations each day so there's nothing mundane about my day. It's when I'm not working is when things turn bad. Which points to being more social after work. However, this points back my previous paragraph about the bad luck. No matter much effort I put forth, the results are always the same.

I just want to beat this.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 12/11/2016 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Ed:

Welcome to the forum.

When asked above "Why are you depressed" by Peter A., you said,

"It may just be what I perceive as a constant stream of bad luck to where I've lost all my confidence, motivation and the will to keep trying make things better. Similar to being beat down to the point where you can't get up anymore"

What is your "stream of bad luck?" I want to compare it with mine, point by point." Dueling depression.

(Although I'm taking an anti-depressant and I'm not depressed anymore.)

Derwood
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2016
Total Posts : 294
   Posted 12/11/2016 3:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Ed. I just wanted to pop in and welcome you to HW. I'm glad
you have decided to give this group a try ( many kind, knowledgeable people here - Tim Tam being one of them ). I'll be
watching to see if you accept Tim Tams challenge: it sounds interesting and helpful.

Welcome Ed. Best regards,

Derwood.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 12/12/2016 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum

Are you going to therapy, seeing a doc?

WhaT skills do you use?

My best daily skill is mindfulness.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/13/2016 5:44 AM (GMT -6)   
You present a challenge Tim and I'll do my best. I think the two main areas for me is socially and professionally. I only have time this morning to hit one and maybe hit the other tomorrow or later.

It just seems that no matter how hard I work or, go beyond the norm to get things done, I always seem to get undercut by people. I basically get run out of the building either by own frustration or, someone makes up something to get out the door. This has been a pattern for about 25 years now.

That's a brief description as I'm strapped for time.

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/13/2016 5:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Trina,

No therapy at all. Going to a physical doctor in Feb get on a new diet and exercise program. I quit smoking 6 months ago after 40 years so I'm rebounding physically.

I've read about mindfulness. My problem getting, and keeping positive thinking. I think the biggest help for me is to be around people that actually wish to listen to what I have to say. Outside of my job, I don't have a live person to talk to. That reinforcement would help things greatly.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 12/13/2016 8:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Well Ed

This is a common issue with many if not most of us. People don't want to listen. But wait till they want to talk about their kids acting out or mate cheating, then....

The stigma is still in this world to pull up the boot straps and get on with it! We know better than that here!

You have found a soft and safe place to land. We listen, we validate and support the best we know how. none of us are perfect so we don't judge. You can be yourself within the forum rules. [they are up in the right hand corner]

I have copied some links for you to browse.

I am on a whole food diet, no artificial ingredients and no red/yellow food dyes. Rarely eat red meat. Stay with fish/sea food mostly

www.mindful.org/beware-of-mental-junk-food-you-are-what-you-eat/

www.mindful.org/four-ways-overcome-self-defeating-thoughts/

www.mindful.org/creating-a-mindful-library/

I look forward to seeing more posts from you.

Congrats on quitting smoking!

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/14/2016 6:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you. I will check them out.

You made think of one little moment with an acquaintance of mine a few years ago. I ran into him at a little event one and he stuck his hand out and said "How are ya?". Before I could even get a syllable out, he say, "Good, great to hear it.". I was dumbfounded and realized that he really didn't care at all. I had another acquaintance tell me that "Gimme your number and we'll get together for wings". 8 years later, I'm still waiting. A lot of episodes like those I just mentioned are common.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41709
   Posted 12/14/2016 7:15 PM (GMT -6)   
The first guy probably assumed you would say good. Or he could of had a hearing problem and thought you said good. Or he could of just jumped the gun. This doesn't mean he didn't care.

The second person may have lost your number after you gave it to him. Therefore he couldn't call you. Don't assume that people always have ill will. They should be given the benefit of a doubt. I always try to give people the benefit of a doubt. But I don't like seeing the negative things about people either. But on the other hand, I am fair...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 12/14/2016 9:18 PM (GMT -6)   
You and I seem to have a similar situation.

You say: “My job, as far as what I do, is not a real problem. It's when I'm not working is when things turn bad. Which points to being more social after work. However, this points back my previous paragraph about the bad luck. No matter much effort I put forth, the results are always the same.”

OK, job is no problem. It’s the social life afterwards that you said is the problem.

But then in your second post you said, “. I think the two main (problem) areas for me is socially and professionally.”

Then you say, “It just seems that no matter how hard I work or, go beyond the norm to get things done, I always seem to get undercut by people. I basically get run out of the building either by own frustration or, someone makes up something to get out the door. This has been a pattern for about 25 years now.”

There are a lot of similarities between your life and mine.

One thing we have in common, also, is that we both have mental illnesses. You have depression, I have bipolar. So, when we congregate, at work or after work, this factor is in play. When we’re by ourselves, it comes into play.

So I think we have to take things into perspective. We are a mentally ill person who has a job, so they’re going to be problems.

Most or basically all of the other people at work do not have mental illnesses. We’re going to run into some rough times.

You said, ““It just seems that no matter how hard I work or, go beyond the norm to get things done, I always seem to get undercut by people. I basically get run out of the building either by own frustration or, someone makes up something to get out the door.”

OK, I told you before hearing your problem, I would match you point for point. Here goes.

My wife died 7 years ago. I am now a 1. senior citizen with 2. emotional problems 3. living by myself.

So I am now vulnerable. You said, “I basically get run out of the building either by own frustration or, someone makes up something to get out the door.” So I don’t have to tell you what I’ve been going through.

So our common connection, again, is we have mental illnesses, we live alone, and we are both senior citizens. And we both have the same complaints.

I told you I could match you point for point.

You have a company coming after you, I have an entire neighborhood coming after me. I’ve counted them, there are 3 pathological houses in my neighborhood that are coming after me for the last 8 years.

Safety in numbers, but we don’t have any numbers, we live by ourselves. Marriage is not always the easiest thing, either.

So, in a way, it’s life that is the difficulty, and having a mental illness makes it even more difficult.

You said, “My problem getting, and keeping positive thinking.” I was negative, too, and the I ran across a col. on being positive before going into a problem, and I realized I was neg. unconsciously, from childhood training or bipolar or both.

So, now I say, “One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem.”

You say, no male or female friends. I’ve found that guys don’t want to guys about a whole lot, and women are just looking for a marriage partner or they don’t have anything to do with you. So, that’s kinda common.

If you found a woman who wanted to talk, and you didn’t marry her, she would be writing in to a help line saying, “I’ve talked to him for a year and he still doesn’t want to get married.” There is no gray area with women. They do not simply want to talk.

Same with men. So what is the point with talking with men? What is the point of talking with women? There has to be a point. I was like you, I wanted to talk. I had a guy I talked to, he was a homosexual.

What was the point? If there is no long term relationship, neither one of them wants to talk.

Also, regular people are not therapists. And the only reason the therapists are listening to you is because they are getting paid for it. I know, it’s hard to take.

I had similar problems as what you are experiencing, so I have an idea to what you’re going through. I was neither macho or fem, I was stuck in the middle, which in a way is not so bad. I didn’t really want to be fem, macho would land me in the burbs with a wife and children, and a tough job to support all of that.

So, in the long run, being in the middle was OK. I just didn’t know it.

Do you have hobbies? Can you volunteer on your days off, walking a dog at a kennel, or volunteer in a hospital, or a senior citizens home. Those people will talk to you. They’re looking for someone to talk to like you are. And there is a point: both of you are lonely.

Do you have any hobbies?

I thought I could match you point for point. Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn to be positive. Learn to help somebody who is weaker, and it will take your mind off of your troubles.

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/20/2016 7:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow. This is pretty overwhelming to respond entirely. Maybe I'm not as bad as I thought.

Believe it or, not, but I have one of the most social hobbies in the world. Amateur Radio. Don't talk very much. Spend most of my time designing and building antennas.

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/21/2016 6:41 AM (GMT -6)   
I do intend on beating this though. I refuse to accept that I will always be like this.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 12/21/2016 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Ed, that is the attitude, mind set that is needed. The diagnosis does not have you, you have a diagnosis that you can manage.

That is why coping skills are so important, the more we have, the better we can battle.

The examples of acquaintances you gave are not uncommon at all! Most people, either have their own luggage and bullcrap there way through public bubblier that some of us do, or they tell everyone that and there is not enough time for all. Really, it is not personal, does not feel that way, I know, for sure I know.

But it is true, that more people that you would think, hide at home and put masks on in public. People you would never even think have issues. So try not to do the grass is greener thing..

The people seeking help are the true brave warriors!

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/24/2016 8:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the kind words. As I sit here on Christmas Eve, I really hope that I can regain my confidence and motivation again. They've been gone for such a long time. Many times it's tough to keep going and to just plain give up on trying anymore. That's my biggest thing. It's the "why bother" mindset. Hope I can change that soon.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 12/25/2016 9:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Ed:

One thing that has helped me is to hire a person to do chores, and then talk to them some.

As a senior citizen who has emotional problems (bipolar) and with some physical problems that prevent me from driving a car, I am in a situation where I need help like that getting to the doctor, getting my groceries, medicine, etc.

While their doing chores, you can have good conversations.

While that wasn't the main purpose of their coming over to your place, it can be a secondary benefit.

I had one such helper come over one time, and we talked for 2 or 3 hours. As to what she did that day on her chart, she checked one box: companionship.

Hey, with me, that's a chore. I can dust, I just need somebody to talk to. Before getting the groceries and after they bring them back, there are good excuses to talk.

You probably don't need the driving and getting groceries, and you look at it as a waste of money. But you could be "cheaping" yourself into isolation.

Yeah, you're saving a few bucks by not getting someone like that, yeah, $60 extra bucks at the end of the week, no problem. But you're saving $60 bucks, and you're isolating yourself which could cause you problems that might cost you more than $60, like depression. Hello!

And what dollar value can you put on a good conversation, on being less depressed, or not depressed at all? You can't. You might be the richest depressed person in town, but what good is that?

I was just thinking before I posted about some of my problems, and I realized that many of them came about from being isolated.

I was put in a position of depending on people who abused me. But living alone, and with no close friends, we'll say, I was not able to reach out for a second opinion on solving problems, getting help with grass cutting, handyman type chores, etc.

I was having to depend on people who were abusive to me. I didn't have anybody I could call and say, "What do you think I ought to do? or "Can you come over and cut my grass?" or "I need some carpentry work done around the house, can you help me?"

Thus, I was thrown into these situations with abusive people, and it really caused me a lot of problems.

Now, I don't think home health care can solve all your problems. But it will give you more people. It will give you someone to talk to, if nothing else, to tell them what groceries you need.

It can give you, "Do you know anybody who does yard work? Do you know anybody who does carpentry? You can build up a list of names of those people, so if a crunch time does come, you can call up one of those people.

I think you need to know what that help is available.

I think we also need to know, that we just want to sit there, and wonder why somebody doesn't come in and rescue us.

We know what we need more than anybody else, putting us in the best position to help ourselves. At least we can realize who is causing us the most problems: ourselves.

"The person you have to defeat is the person you have to look at in the mirror every morning." So we are the biggest obstacle that we have to face. At least we can learn that.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 12/25/2016 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
TT,
I am so glad to hear you have a person that comes in to help.

No have the independence to get out and about is devastating for many people.

My mother in law, pretty much refuses to leave the house except for doctors.

Humans are social animals and as such conversations are our best medicine.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 12/25/2016 6:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Trina:

Thank you for your nice reply.

I have this woman who comes over and helps me, I mean, she doesn't just come over and get my groceries, she helps me!

As with Ed Ski, sometimes the answer is not necessarily marriage, we just want to talk to somebody every now and then, without the long term relationship, especially at certain times in our lives, such as the senior citizen years.

Yes, as you said, not having the independence to get out can truly be crushing. You gain weight, you get diabetes, you get depressed, people will attack you quicker because you're isolated. It never ends.

Would your mother in law consider a home health care worker once or twice a week for light housework, groceries, conversation?

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/7/2017 6:27 PM (GMT -6)   
A brief follow up on how things have been going. For the most part, pretty good as I was able to get out and be social a little bit lately because I've gotten some rare 3-day weekends. Especially on Christmas Day when I rode to visit an old friend of 40 years. Did a lot of good. Even more so being that I was feeling really anxious prior to deciding to drive the 1-1/2 hours there. Having someone to talk to face to face does wonders for me. I just wish it would happen more. I honestly think that being able to talk to people more face to face in a non-professional atmosphere would really help me out. Trust me, I do notice the difference. These days of electronic virtual friends just doesn't cut it for me.

I admit that the last couple hours have not been very good. We had 7 inches of snow last night and tonight's temp is going to be in single digits. Normally, that's nothing to concerned about. However, I can't stop thinking about a couple stray dogs in my little neighborhood. I would like to find them and help them but I won't be able to keep them afterward. It's a very awkward feeling right now.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 1/7/2017 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Ed,

Glad to hear you have been getting some time off and socializing. That is good news.

As for the strays, I feel your frustration and anguish. But even if the dogs would come to you, and you kept them till when, someone took them to the pound, or you actively looked for a home for them?

Either way, it is HARD on your emotional balance. They could run away again. A lot of strays, do that. Fear keeps them on the streets, it is what they know.

Your heart would break taking them to the pound.

Best, you pray, meditation send positive energy out, what you do to balance.

All can not be saved. Your mental health and living situation has to be considered first. There is nothing wrong in this. Try hard to give yourself some compassion.

I say these things, because I have had decades experience in animal rescue. The only thing more heart breaking would be working with homeless or abuse children I think. I finally have to give the rescue work. It became so overwhelming with my complex PTSD, that I could not function.

I hope I helped you.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 1/7/2017 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Ed,

Glad to hear you have been getting some time off and socializing. That is good news.

As for the strays, I feel your frustration and anguish. But even if the dogs would come to you, and you kept them till when, someone took them to the pound, or you actively looked for a home for them?

Either way, it is HARD on your emotional balance. They could run away again. A lot of strays, do that. Fear keeps them on the streets, it is what they know.

Your heart would break taking them to the pound.

Best, you pray, meditation send positive energy out, what you do to balance.

All can not be saved. Your mental health and living situation has to be considered first. There is nothing wrong in this. Try hard to give yourself some compassion.

I say these things, because I have had decades experience in animal rescue. The only thing more heart breaking would be working with homeless or abuse children I think. I finally have to give the rescue work. It became so overwhelming with my complex PTSD, that I could not function.

I hope I helped you.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Ed Ski
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/8/2017 7:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Trina. The opportunity to speak to people does me a world of good. My problem is initiating it on a personal level. Professionally, I speak to people all day but, it's different type of conversation to me. It's all just friendly talk.

My biggest problem is believing that people actually want to converse with me. I have put too high of a standard on myself and if something doesn't happen as I would like it to, I consider myself a failure. That mindset of perceiving myself as a failure stays with me through all that I do. I have worked hard my entire life trying to do what's right. Go above and beyond what's required to only get kicked back over and over again. It's gotten frustrating to the point where I've have just stopped trying. I just don't really have an interest in anything anymore. Actually, the last number of years.

This is the pattern I need to break. I just can't seem to do it.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 1/8/2017 8:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Ed,

Glad to see you are making strides to reach out for personal contact, and that you see what the situation is.

I like dogs, also, and have one, and that most of my contact with living beings. I take the dog for a daily walk, and from time to time see and sometimes get a chance to talk with human beings, some who become my friends. But it's through the dog.

Can you adopt a dog from the local kennel? Can you, on weekends when you're not working, volunteer at a kennel to walk a dog, or something like that?

Can you get someone from a home health care agency, or home help group, to come in for a few hours on a weekend day and basically just have conversation? They can do some light housework.

I do that for health problems I have, and get a lot of good conversations out of it, or a lot of help around the house or running errands (groceries), so you can't loose.

You gotta watch out, people like you and I can be our own worse enemies. Staying cloistered up in our house, wondering why somebody is not helping us. And really, living the life we want: seclusion, but wanting to complain about it at the same time, our favorite game.

There is a saying, "The person you have to worry about is the one you have to look at in the mirror every morning."

You're looking for help yourself, is there anyone you can help, senior citizens home, dog pound, hospital volunteer on weekends? I found a kids bike that had been stolen and was in a park, gave it to woman who helped kids in a project, and through that, made some good friends. I never met a good friend sitting on my couch.

Get involved in helping someone, and watch who gets helped.

There is a saying on the site that says, "Love is like a magic penny, keep it and you won't have any, lend it, spend it, give it away, and it will comeback to you some day."

You keeping your magic penny, and you think you're one cent richer. When you volunteer or assist someone, you don't ask for help or friendship, you give it.

Your horrible personality doesn't matter. It's your willingness to help that they notice, and that others passed them by, but that you didn't.

You're shortchanging those people, that's right. You're also short changing someone else.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 1/8/2017 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
HI Ed,

If you are a reader, here are 2 books that have and continue [as references] to help me through negative thoughts and bad times.

Both I would think can be found in your local library so you can review before deciding to purchase.

'The mindful path to self-compassion' by Christopher K. Germer, PhD

'The here and now habit' by Hugh G. Byrne, PhD

Chapter 7 in the second book I believe touchs directly on what you wrote about. However with those those come other this things that you are not alone in. So again, I recommend you peruse this books.

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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