I think I must be spiralling into a depression but can't be sure

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LostLaw28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/12/2017 9:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello again,

I posted a little while ago about a situation I am going through in my life that I am very much struggling to deal with. One month on from the flash point and I thought I would feel better than I do. If anything I fear I'm getting worse.

To give a short summary of the situation, my depressed girlfriend left me. Her reasons were she didn't want affection, she wanted to set me free as she felt like a burden, I deserved better, she felt guilty for holding me back and for giving no intimacy (literally none, not even a kiss or cuddle for over 2 months). I have since discovered a lot of things that make me question her reasoning. I discovered she had been actively looking for sexual encounters with men, women and couples in all kinds of BDSM and Fetish websites and domains, in the month before our break up. She had lied to me and to her friends, saying she "didn't want anything or anyone". She since has become a submissive to a "Dom" man and has a submissive man of her own in this bizarre fetish world. I discovered she had started to resent me for things such as taking her for granted, which we both admitted we had done and were working at.

All this has left me feeling so many emotions and thinking so many thoughts that I cannot even begin to organise them, let alone come to terms with. I feel unwanted, unloved, hideous, unworthy, ugly, unlovable and assume that it must be something wrong with me, to make her want to choose that lifestyle over a committed and loving relationship. I feel betrayed and lied to, she told me how much she cared and loved me right up until the end (even a week or so after our break up) but I cannot help but think that wasn't true.

The most confusing thing for me is the lack of understanding I have of my own mind. Before all this I was very level headed, could control my thoughts and act on things logically, I could understand them. Now I don't trust my own instincts. I constantly feel like I have two narratives in my mind about this situation. On one side I still love her, care for her and miss her. I want to help her, I can see that this is what she does when she becomes depressed (mirrors a previous depression episode years ago, where she became promiscuous and then felt disgusted with herself once the episode had passed) and want to support her so she doesn't feel she has to sink to these depths. But equally I feel like I am beginning to hate her, I am disgusted by her. That she would treat anyone, let alone me, the man she told was her soul mate, like this.

I constantly wrestle with thoughts and images of her at these sex parties I know she signed up to, in intense sexual situations with multiple partners while we were together and I cannot control them. Once I feel these thoughts start in my mind I feel them wash over me and cloud my entire mind, no matter what I am doing at the time. I almost feel like my mind is drowning in them when these thoughts rush over me. I enter an almost panicked state where the basic human functions feel almost impossible.

While I don't feel as close to rock bottom as I did three or so weeks ago (I was going through the process of acting on the suicidal thoughts I was having at the time. A kind stranger saved my life by talking to me and handing me a phone) I do in a way feel I have worsened in the last couple of weeks.

I am sure I now have some mental health issues, almost certain. But I feel afraid to talk to anybody about them for fear of them thinking I'm being stupid. That I am weak for being so deeply affected by something that seems trivial to other problems people face in this world. I feel stupid for letting myself get into this state.

Any help, insight or advice would be great. I need all the help I can get.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7101
   Posted 5/12/2017 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
None of this is your fault. It was and is her choice, for whatever the reason. I have posted below some numbers you can call.

Some people are trained to talk about this kind of situation, sex addiction.

It may be hard for you to see now, but you luckily dodged a bad relationship happening.

Peace and strength
Trina

U.S. Helplines

National Suicide Hotline

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

http://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hoteline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)


NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

AAA Crisis Pregnancy Center 800-560-0717

Child Abuse Hotline | Support & Information 800-792-5200

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357

Domestic & Teen Dating Violence | English & Spanish 800-992-2600

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


Parental Stress Hotline | Help for Parents 800-632-8188

Runaway Hotline | All Calls are Confidential 800-231-6946

Sexual Assault Hotline | Up 24/7 - In English & Spanish 800-223-5001

Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
Nineline | Teen Peer Support: http://nineline.org/

TeenCentral | Teen Peer Support:

http://www.teencentral.net/
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

LostLaw28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/12/2017 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
But I can't help but feel like some of the blame or some kind of problem rests on my shoulders. Early on in our relationship, she said "I didnt know what I wanted, but now I do. That's what we have. You." So to return to this world again I feel like it must be something to do with me that has pushed her towards this again. Mentally I seem to go in waves of thinking the above, and knowing that as you say, it isn't my fault.
The above is a huge part of my problem, I can't settle on feeling long either way. I swing between the two thoughts and cannot organise any of the feelings and thoughts that come with it. I can't understand any of it, as it doesn't make sense to me. I keep tearing myself apart over and over trying to make sense of it

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 5/12/2017 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   
I’ve been through this same situation.

You say: “my depressed girlfriend left me. Her reasons were she didn't want affection, she wanted to set me free as she felt like a burden, I deserved better, she felt guilty for holding me back and for giving no intimacy (literally none, not even a kiss or cuddle for over 2 months). I have since discovered a lot of things that make me question her reasoning. I discovered she had been actively looking for sexual encounters with men, women and couples in all kinds of BDSM and Fetish websites and domains, in the month before our break up. “

1. My now deceased wife was sexually abused. (Has your former girlfriend ever said anything about that in her life?)

2. What can happen from that, is that they become a Borderline Personality Syndrome person, in which their ego divides from the trauma, with the trauma being on one side of the division, and what’s left of them, at that age, 5, 10, on the other side of the trauma.

(These are all my opinions. I would encourage you to look up that condition on the net. I am bipolar, myself.)

3. They become like two people, but since they are only one person physically, everyone thinks they are one person. They are only one person, but mentally they can flip from one side of their divided ego to the other.

On one side, they are angels, you know, the 5 or 10 year old mentioned above. On the other side, they are the complete opposite. Since they learned sex early and coldly, with no emotions, that’s what this other side tends toward: cold sex.

4. My wife did like your girlfriend. Was all devoted to me, since one half of her needed stability, like any 5 or 10 year old, and to have someone to come home to after a one hour fling with a complete stranger. So the one hour fling is the other side of her divided ego.

5. You said, “She since has become a submissive to a "Dom" man and has a submissive man of her own in this bizarre fetish world. I discovered she had started to resent me for things such as taking her for granted, which we both admitted we had done and were working at”

Like my wife, once she finds another lover or lovers, she may not need us, and ditch us. Or, somewhat like my wife, when she gets caught running around, and has no choice (since her stable person has found out about her), she slips over to the other side of herself and attaches herself to this other lover, or series of lovers.

Should they dump her, she may come running back to you, but since they may have so many lovers, that might not happen.

6. You say, “The most confusing thing for me is the lack of understanding I have of my own mind. Before all this I was very level headed, could control my thoughts and act on things logically, I could understand them. Now I don't trust my own instincts.“

The reason you can’t figure her out is because she’s two people, and nobody can figure out two people in one body, especially when they don’t know what’s going on, that in her mind she is two people.

She presented herself as one person, and when that one person disappeared, you doubted your mind. Your mind perceived correctly. It’s what you were looking at that was incorrect or distorted.

7. You said, “On one side I still love her, care for her and miss her. I want to help her,”

After my first wife passed away from a long illness, I met a woman that I was also trying to help like you were with your girlfriend. For six months I’ll say she was miss help me. And I did. One day she wanted to borrow some money, and she never paid it back. Never intended to. Never was really sincere of needing and wanting my help.

Well, one half of her was sincere, right. But when she needed something, she flipped to her other side, and became a con artist. Right, when will I ever learn? Exactly.

8. You say, “I can see that this is what she does when she becomes depressed (mirrors a previous depression episode years ago, where she became promiscuous and then felt disgusted with herself once the episode had passed) and want to support her so she doesn't feel she has to sink to these depths”

She’s flipping back and forth. From good little girl, to horrible bad girl, cause that’s What she is.

9. You say, A. “On one side I still love her, care for her and miss her. I want to help her,”

B. “But equally I feel like I am beginning to hate her, I am disgusted by her. That she would treat anyone, let alone me, the man she told was her soul mate, like this.”

There again, are her two opposite but equal sides.

10. You say, “I constantly wrestle with thoughts and images of her at these sex parties I know she signed up to, in intense sexual situations with multiple partners while we were together and I cannot control them”

I had the same feelings with my wife. She would occasionally give me details of her other life. Yeah, like on her teacher’s desk at the end of the school day with her lover, a fellow school teacher. Yeah, like in a threesome in a motel room, with the other partner sometimes being a male, sometimes being a female.

Yeah, right, that can drive you crazy, which is exactly what she wants to happen, when she’s not being your loyal girlfriend that is.

You’re actually in pretty good shape, because you’re not married and you don’t have a child.

Try 29 years of finding out about her outside sex, but in a marriage, buying a house, with a child. After you’ve been through 29 years of that, then you and I can talk about girlfriend/wife trouble. Until you’ve been through that, until you’ve been to the heart doctor with chest pain numerous times from all of that, you don’t really know trouble.

So actually when she’s behaving badly, yeah, when you hate her, right, that’s when you need to get away. Act on that. Leave.

I use to complain to my psychiatrist about my wife’s problems, after my wife died of a long illness, and she would be telling me to forget about it. Only when I met another, right, borderline, did I forget about the first borderline.

I now have a home health care worker who helps me a couple times a week who helps me with conversation from time to time, which helps me forget about the other.

These are all my opinions and experiences.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41721
   Posted 5/12/2017 12:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Know that sex isn't always about love. What she is doing has nothing to do with loving somebody or even liking them for that matter.

I think you need to find some new interests. Things you like to do. Are you working?

I really think you would do best to put this behind you and get on with your own things. Find some hobbies you like, go to a movie, a play, coffee shop, book store. Find other things to do to occupy your thoughts.

I hope that you feel better soon. Remember this is your life you are living. Not hers. What she does is up to her and now she is away from you, I imagine you don't have contact with her anymore???

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

LostLaw28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/16/2017 3:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for your responses.. Tim Tam, you offered some fascinating parallels in your own situation. It has helped me make some sense of what has been happening, thank you. I hope your continued recovery keeps going well for you.

Karen, I'm trying to keep as busy as I can, but it's difficult to keep these thoughts at bay and stop them from clouding my head totally. There is no contact at all no, besides her feeling the need to "like" my Facebook posts etc. Which I do my best to ignore. Having been to the doctor this week I have myself been diagnosed with depression. I can't say I'm surprised. I've been given some material to try and help me with an app called Headspace and some general reading on depression.. my doctor doesn't like to medicate immediately after diagnosis so I have another appointment in two weeks to see how I progress. Does anybody have any suggestions or recommendations to try and stop their dark or racing thought process from developing? I try to distract myself from them but they have a nasty habit of just jumping over those..

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 5/16/2017 4:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Talking with a mental health professional is NEVER stupid. A professional would never suggest that YOU were stupid. I encourage you to seek out a good mental health professional.

It is never easy for the friends/family/loved ones of any type of 'addict'. AA has Alanon. NA has NarAnon. I don't know if SA has it's counterpart but the literature for Alanon is available at bookstores. Perhaps getting a copy and replacing the word 'alcoholic' with the appropriate term for whatever other addiction is in place would be helpful.

You didn't Cause it. You can't Change it. You can't Cure it. Her behavior is NOT a reflection of YOU in any way. While she practices a 'lifestyle' that is, apparently, far from Your ideal and found to be 'shocking' to most, one might be surprised at how many people participate in this type of practice. She is not doing this 'to' you or 'at' you.

Stop asking yourself "Why am I not enough?". You may not be 'enough' for her but, trust me, you ARE enough for the right person. This behavior of hers has nothing at all to do with YOU.

I hope you find the guidance you need to move past this difficult time.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

LostLaw28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/16/2017 4:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you pitmom. Having seen my doctor yesterday he didn't make me feel stupid, quite the opposite. It was very reassuring.

What I struggle with most I think is while I understand your point of " you may not be enough for her", I previously was enough. I can't work out what cause the change, up until a month or so before it came to a head and the separation happened, she was telling me often that I was perfect for her etc etc. But then this huge U turn took place.
My doctor identified that the root of my depression is probably self worth and being extremely self critical, overly so. Which obvious this is a big trigger for. Hopefully with time I can move past this and it will become easier! I've found depression and my own mental state quite alarming and frightening!

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 5/16/2017 5:29 AM (GMT -6)   
I can only speak as a sober alcoholic. My children often wondered why I kept going back to drinking. Why they weren't 'good enough'? Why I didn't love them enough? etc.

This is how I KNOW it has NOTHING to do with YOU.

It is more of an 'obsessive/compulsive' disorder. Whatever the 'it' is for the person, 'it' over rides every other thought. This unrelenting urge will not be quelled until it is 'satisfied', however temporarily. Then the cycle resets.

In my case, there were many 'causes and conditions'...these days now referred to as 'triggers'. Until I uncovered these causes and conditions and dealt with them, the cycle continued to reset. I would imagine that the 'danger' of this behavior has more to do with the act than anything else. There was a certain amount of 'anticipation' of drinking (fill in the blank) that came before the act of drinking...the 'reward' of drinking...the self satisfaction of 'doing what I want to...deserve to...whatever the case. Then, the remorse afterward. The self hatred. That led to more drinking...on and on and on.

Those around me were baffled, confused, hurt.

I didn't think I was doing anything 'wrong'. Didn't think I was 'hurting anyone but myself'.

The 'society norm' tells her YOU should be enough but, this urge that she has overrides all else. She may desperately WANT what society says is 'normal' but her attraction to what society says is 'abnormal' is the 'only place SHE feels normal, accepted'.

I can only tell you that until I wanted to live sober more than I wanted to get drunk, I continued to get drunk. I needed a lot of help to learn HOW to live sober. To get down to 'causes and conditions'. To deal with those. To make different decisions. To fight the 'urge'. It is a lifelong challenge.

I entered every past relationship with hope. I think we all do. The fact that past relationships didn't work out didn't mean I was 'defective' in any way. They were part of my journey, part of learning about myself. Now, I've had my present relationship for 13 years. It's not 'easy'. Things don't 'run seamlessly'. The point is, I've finally found someone else that doesn't give up easily either. Someone that also believes that just because something isn't 'working right' you don't throw it away and get another...you repair it. So far, we've done just that.

Be gentle with yourself. Continue on your journey and be grateful for what you have learned about yourself. The fact that there is a line that you will not cross is a good thing to know about yourself. It doesn't make someone else 'bad' or 'wrong', it just makes YOU sure.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

RobLee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 373
   Posted 5/16/2017 3:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Emotional scars last a lifetime... things we rarely remember, but never forget.
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