Looking for advice

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confused38
New Member


Date Joined May 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/16/2017 8:04 PM (GMT -6)   
OK I'm really bad at writing anything at all. If my posts or questions seem to ramble on or just seem scattered from one thing to another you've been warned.

First time posting here but I've been looking and reading off and on for years about depression. I'll give some background of my life leading up to now and then ask for advice.

So I'm almost forty and moved around 18 times(10 times before I was 18), so making and keeping friends was a hard thing to do. I only had one or two real friends at a time and anybody else I talked to was just someone I talked to nothing else. I did social things like baseball and football but never felt like I fit in with everyone else. When I was 10 or 11 I just quit going to school for about a month. I wasn't picked on or anything I just decided I wasn't going anymore. I think this is where it started. As I got through middle school and high school I had in school and out of school friends. Only one or two were both. In that time I talked to or hung out with almost everybody but never really finding my place. Always feeling better off by myself.

Once I turned 18 and got a job something changed. I talked to people(not a lot of them) and socialized but only at work. I have no problem helping someone or getting in your face to stand up for what I believe. After work I want nothing to do with them. I just want to go home, be alone and wait for the next day. I've been at my current job for over 12 years and turned down many invites to hang out with people I work with.

about 5 or 6 years ago I decided to talk to a psychiatrist to see what might be my problem. After five or so visits he said I have depression. I do not take any medication(don't want to) and stopped going after that since I felt it was not helping me with the problem and costing me a lot of money. I've only told one person I worked with about this and she seemed to think it was a BS story to hang out with her.

Here's where I need help/advice on what to do since I feel everything gets really complicated from here.

about six months ago I started trying to talking to this girl I work with(different one from the one I mentioned above) with no real success(something told me to keep trying). After a couple months she finally started talking to me(oh yeah, shes a lesbian half my age and I'm a straight guy). So I've hung out with her and her girlfriends twice(never felt so scared in my life) but I feel things are turning bad between us. I got her in trouble for talking to me at work and any time she invites me to hang out she always cancels later. She has no desire to be with a guy(past friendship I'm fine with that) and I'm just happy to have someone I really feel comfortable to be around. At times it reminds me of King Of The Hill were they stand at the curb drinking and saying YEP all the time. She's the first person to get me to hang out with anybody in ten years. Since those two times I've hung out with other people, sometimes alcohol was involved, but I was out doing something I would never do before which is probably the most important part. Anybody who knows me knows I don't hang out with anybody regardless of the situation. My mom even knows I'm not a people person. I feel somethings in life are supposed to happen regardless of what you do(destiny?). Do I look at her as this unchangeable piece of my life and deal with the good or bad that happens?

So do I try to tell her about my depression(without anybody around) and how much she has helped me get back to dealing with people or should I just back off and give her her space and hope she wants to do things. I don't want to make my problem hers, but I feel if I lose her as a friend I go back to having nothing again. I know I made little steps in the right direction but are they enough to keep me going?

Thanks for any advice or help with this. I won't say I'll post or check in everyday but I'll check back sometime to see if anybody has advice for me. Maybe just telling some of my story was enough push me in the right direction to change my life around.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19782
   Posted 5/17/2017 5:34 AM (GMT -6)   
the question is what do you want? for me, putting it out there you no longer need to hide from it, and u find out who are your real mates. keep strong, welcome to the forum.

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 5/17/2017 6:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome.

You say that generally, you just go home after work and wait for the next day. How do you wait? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel like there should be something 'more'?

The reason I ask this is that I am a 'lone wolf'. While my growing up years were nothing like yours, I'm the youngest of 5 and we never moved, I always felt more content in solitude. I would have a 'best friend' for a year or two but then circumstances would change and I would be solo again, until the next 'best friend'. This pattern repeated for most of my life. I doubt it would have lead to a diagnosis of depression, in and of itself.

I'm not a 'people person'. I get along with people...neighbors, coworkers, etc. I did the 'usual' out to nightclubs things in my younger years but without the feeling that I 'needed' to. Some of us just prefer books or pets to people. I'm not a 'traveller' but with a book, I can go places and 'do things' that in reality would never be a first person experience.

What are your interests? How do you occupy your time? Is there something you would like to learn how to do? Finding other like minded people is a good place to start as it gives a common basis for conversations to start. Reading? Book club. Flowers? Garden club. Drones or model planes? There's a club for that too. Adult classes are offered on quite a variety of subjects at colleges and vocational schools. Auto mechanics, pottery, languages, etc. Continuing to learn helps the brain function at optimal levels.

I found these types of 'social situations' much easier than 'meeting people cold'. Having a common interest lends itself to 'ice breaking'. "What brings you to want to learn this?" "Who is your favorite author?" "Can you teach me about peonies?" etc.

I've become more involved with my town by joining the Tenants Rights Committee. Perhaps there is a committee in your town that could use another volunteer.

These are just suggestions on ways you might be brought into contact with people that you already have a bit in common with that can serve as 'practice' for other situations or fill that void all together.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Lynnwood
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 7475
   Posted 5/17/2017 7:41 AM (GMT -6)   
In my opinion, you should NOT tell this woman how much she has helped you. In my experience, that will put a lot of pressure on her and end up totally ruining the friendship. Keeping things easy and light is a better way to get to know a person more slowly and deeply over time.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 5/17/2017 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound a lot like me.

A guy trying to make it with a lesbian? Not going to happen.

I've had a somewhat similar situation. I'm a senior citizen living alone, I see this woman up the street living alone.

Having had problems living by myself for the past almost 8 years, I wanted to let her know that if she ever needed help, that I lived down the street, and that she could call, and left my number.

She basically never comes out of her house. Pretty close to my situation. I went back by there a second time, but that was going to be it.

I told a friend of mine, "I should be glad she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, for what if she needed some help? I don't know that I could help her."

When I was 40, I would probably be all upset that I was not able to make a connection with another 40-year-old. But as a senior citizen, I realize that part of the reason she doesn't want anything to do with me is that I'm not real sociable, either.

But as a senior citizen, it doesn't just crush me, like it would have when I was 40. I now just think, I don't really need her, I've
got home health care workers that come by once or twice a week, I've got some hobbies, I watch TV at night, I walk my dog.

I've been married, I know what that's like. I know I have problems, but I also know I have strong points. Why do I want to hang around somebody who hates my guts, when I have some people I get along with?

So, I have an idea of what you're going through. I would not put a lot of investment into a lesbian. It sounds like you're both offbeat, which is probably what you need, but that sounds like it's not going to work.

If you want to improve your chances of meeting someone who is offbeat, meet some people by doing some volunteer work, like at a hospital or dog pound by walking a dog. Put yourself into the work, and as a side situation, you might meet somebody.

You're not going to meet anybody in your living room.

We can't all have a great personality, but we can all be positive. Have a positive attitude that you can solve this problem, as well as others, of aloneness.

I say to myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."

Do you have a negative attitude? Was that the kind of household you grew up in?

confused38
New Member


Date Joined May 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/17/2017 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks to everyone that posted. I'll reply to what you posted and add more info to that. I'm not sure how to add the quotes from your posts without doing cut and paste so you'll have to look for your names right now.

pitmom- I was really vague in this. A normal day for me after work would consist of checking emails(love the one about winning millions of dollars), looking for games on Steam(pc games), playing games on computer, random internet searches or something that I talked to someone about(one of my favorite things to do but once a search is done that's the end of that til something new comes up), listening to music(I do music trivia with a couple guys at work), and watching a movie or two then going to bed. about four or five years ago I got back into collecting baseball cards but that turned very expensive and no longer fun. A pack of cards was fifty cents to a dollar when I was a kid now they go for a couple bucks up to over a hundred dollars. I can't do that. I started learning German a year ago on my Kindle. Doing a five minute lesson a day. Three years ago I started growing hot peppers which lead to tomatoes and cucumbers. I keep a very small garden and now I'm waiting for good weather to get my peas and cucumbers out.
I don't think my constant moving caused my depression. I think it might have sped it up. Each move just added another brick in the wall(like Pink Floyd) til I got to the point where I withdrew from people. I feel content and fine when I'm by myself. Some of my bad days lead to a real bad pacing(worse than a caged animal) where nothing I mentioned above helps. That's how I ended up at that girls house one day. I showed up with nothing to talk about but just mellowed out shortly after and felt good like nothing was wrong.

theHTreturns- I just want to live. What does that mean? I don't know. I'm fine with going to work and going home to do nothing. I feel if I put it out there for other people it becomes "Hey come hang out", like I'm the center of attention, or "Just leave him alone he doesn't to do anything". Maybe not the best wording. I guess it would be more like smothered with attention or just left isolated.

Tim Tam- I don't know if you misunderstood my intentions with this lesbian or I misunderstood your reply about it. I'm not looking for anything from her past friendship. I found one person that I really feel comfortable around. I couldn't pay her for a hug.
I mentioned somethings I like to do above but the volunteer stuff I wouldn't do because I'm not forced to do it. I only socialize at work because we're "forced together".
I've had many people tell me I have a negative attitude. I've had very little positive happen to me in life so finding something positive is not easy. Here's an example, If I get a raise at work is that a positive knowing all the extra work that comes with it might not be worth it. I grew up in a single parent only child household where family gatherings were a way to trash each other. Swear words were used more than anything. I don't swear in front of my mom, but I can turn it on or off like a light switch depending on whats going on.

Lynnwood- I have mixed thoughts about your reply. I have not said anything about it because I don't want to push her away but she has also got me out of the house and looking forward to doing something which no one has done in like ten years. I feel like I lose either way. She gave me her number and an invite to hang out and I jumped at it knowing chances like this don't happen very often for me. I think I came on to strong with the wanting to hang out and limited my talking to her at work to a very minimal. I just want things to be good between us and if that means we go our separate ways then we do and I have to learn to slow down.

million1
New Member


Date Joined May 2017
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/18/2017 3:20 AM (GMT -6)   
its best thing you someone in your life to share your thoughts, its good to have atleast one person who can stood behind us to support us. In my opinion you just stay close to her keep her realize that how important she is for you, truly grateful to her. dont think too much, keep it simple as possible.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 5/19/2017 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Confused:

about volunteer work, you say, "I mentioned somethings I like to do above but the volunteer stuff I wouldn't do because I'm not forced to do it. I only socialize at work because we're "forced together".

I'm petty much the same way. The only such situation like that I've done was through a mental health group that paid you $1 to $2 an hour for menial work, but it was work.

And while doing the menial work, you got you around people, which lifted your spirits. Hey, I was depressed for a long time. I'll take that improvement.

So what I like to suggest to people who are isolated and depressed, maybe depressed because they are isolated, is to try volunteer work. It puts them around people, which is therapeutic, and it gives them a chance to help, which is also beneficial, both ways.

And it sometimes gives them a chance to help people who are having it rough. That's therapeutic, also.

But I know what you're talking about, not really wanting to do that. But depression is not a lot of fun, either, so, sometimes we (including me) might have to make choices we don't like, to avoid something (depression) we like even less.

about being positive, you said:

"I've had many people tell me I have a negative attitude. I've had very little positive happen to me in life so finding something positive is not easy. Here's an example, If I get a raise at work is that a positive knowing all the extra work that comes with it might not be worth it."

I've done that. As a child, if something good happened to me, I would think, "Yeah, but it could have happened to me sooner."

OK, that's a negative attitude in both cases. And it happened in both cases because we had jerks for a parent(s). OK, no problem.

But in both cases, our parent(s) were negative, and that's where we learned it. No problem. But it is a problem, for us.

I now say to myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem." I'm not positive all day long. I can't do that, either.

Just when I have a problem, I try to tell myself from the start of that problem, that I think that I can solve this. And I solve more problems than I use to that way.

confused38
New Member


Date Joined May 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/21/2017 4:35 PM (GMT -6)   
So I've been taking it easy and trying to get back to things that make me feel normal. I've been talking to a friend I've known for almost twenty years. I used to talk to him every week or two them his work schedule changed to a lot of on call stuff. He's a nice guy who cares about people but he also has a way of irritating the crap out of you at the same time. I think this why I chose to be friends with him. It reminds me of me. If you can get past the bad parts(of me) then being friends is no problem.

million 1- I agree with what you say and I thought more people here would have told me the same thing. I've always been one of those people who tries to look at whats best overall. Do I say something and lose her as a friend or say nothing and keep her around a little longer? I talked to her on Friday about our friendship but nothing more than "I don't feel like were friends anymore". She said we are friends but she's getting a little irritated with her girlfriend being controlling of her. So right now she has her own problems and I don't want mine to be hers and make things worse. I'll wait and see how things go and go from there. I think something like this is better to wait for the right time then to push it at the wrong time.

Tim Tam- I agree about helping others and feeling good about it. I go out of my way at times to help others at work with something and I do feel good for doing it. I don't have problems with people I know so maybe it's like a fear of people I don't know. I've been like that since I was a kid. Never approaching others unless I felt some connection with them. I've known many people that I've had common interests or hobbies with and just don't feel a connection.
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