Boyfriend family hates my guts

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soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/28/2017 1:35 AM (GMT -6)   
My relationship with my boyfriend is very special. Its one of a kind as we are deeply, spiritually connected. His last relationship was a very bad one because she was narcissist. I helped overcome past traumas, get back into his art&tattooing, and helping him grow as a person in general.
Honestly this story is way too long but his parents dont like me because im 19 and hes 22 and they think i want to baby trap and use him for his money. They also think he can find a prettier girl than me. They yell at me and slam doors in front of my face. He's very vulnerable and easily influenced and his mom was able to get him to break up with me one time and even lied about me. She somehow got a hold of my grandma and told her that i called her the devil, which i never did, and that if i try going over she's going to call the cops on me. She threatens to put a restraining order on me even though ive done nothing. She's called me b**** and said im part of the reason why she might have colon cancer?? Shes also made racist remarks about my family.
I dont know this is all too much and i try being the bigger person and i forgave her because i dont like being resentful. But now this has just became straight up abusive. They took away all his electronics and car because he had to go to a mental hospital and recently got out. Im just scared they are going to brainwash him into not loving me and breaking up with me sad

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41721
   Posted 6/28/2017 7:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Some things we can ignore. But not all...

I am glad you have a special relationship with your boyfriend, but honestly he has to start standing up to his family. Maybe when he gets stronger he will.

Your situation is hard. I guess it all depends on how much you are going to put up with. Slamming doors in your face and calling the cops on you isn't cool. Is it worth it? Are you going to keep going around them, do you have to? I couldn't take that type of treatment.

Keep helping your boyfriend get better and see where things go. I hope it gets better and that you two can have a good life together. I am sorry for the way that you have been treated.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 842
   Posted 6/28/2017 11:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Ugh.

Way.

Too.

Much.

Drama.

I'm so with Karen on this. BF needs to grow a pair, and quick. Nobody should have to put up with that kind of abuse, and your BF should be the first one there standing up for you. Of course, if he thinks that his mom's behavior is okay, then I would run for the relationship exit, not walk.

Good luck with this one, SoyKitty.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 6/28/2017 12:07 PM (GMT -6)   
The mother may have had some trauma, something horrible is happening, which is causing her to act out of proportion to what is going on.

It may be something that went on 30 years ago which is causing her great anger at what supposedly happened 5 minutes ago.

There is no connection at what just happened and the amount of her anger, but she wants you to think there is. At 19, you might buy into that, but you probably shouldn't.

She also possibly sees you as a threat to take away her 22 year old "baby." Prior to you, she had no competition for the attention of her son.

Or, all of his previous girlfriends have also experienced her wrath. I had a mother who was a very controlling, also, yeah, and she had trauma, so I've seen my mother act irrationally.

It's hard to disengage from your mother at 22, or at any age, because they can cause so much trouble. For instance, what if you needed $100 bucks to fix your car so you could keep working? Maybe if you had let your mother rant at a few people, she might have given it to you.

I could not totally disengage. Now, I don't think I would allow her to be disrespectful to my girlfriend, but where do you draw the line? "Uh, mom, if you holler at her one more time and..." and what?

I've disengaged from close relatives, it's easy, but not my mom. Not anybody who might help me out with a loan sometime. It is tough.

Also, if she is so unstable that it sent her son to mental hospital, shows how irrational she is and that nobody is safe.

Maybe her son has to go back into her house, but maybe you don't. Of course if she's already called your grandmother and went off on her, she's showing she's undefeatable.

She can be dealt with. I would consider not going back in that house. And if she harasses your grandmother, call the police.

She's already put your boyfriend in the mental hospital. You'll be next if you keep going in there.

These are all my opinions. You'll have to do what you think is best.

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/28/2017 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, thanks guys for replying. Ya there's a lot of unneccessary drama going on. Last night, they called yelling at me because they decided to go on my twitter and depict my tweets as if it was about her. One of my tweets said "such toxic behaviour when someone is in the wrong and can still manage to look like the victim." and she got extremely offended by it. Which i thought was funny and stupid because they have bigger n better problems to worry about within their family than to spend their energy stalking my social media?
Anyways, i think its just me they don't like because they love his brother's girlfriend and her family. I'm actually my boyfriend's first serious girlfriend. I have no idea what it is they hate about me so much, but i definitely don't ever wanna go back to their house.
I just feel very beatened down and drained at this point *sigh*

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/28/2017 3:13 PM (GMT -6)   
The only thing keeping me around is our love, connection and that i feel empathetic towards him. He doesn't have many real friends and only his family to turn to. His mom is extremely uncomfortable with his spirituality which is a shame because he's very gifted. Only i really know his true self or at least the person he wishes to become. I'm the type of person that's all for mental, emotional and spiritual growth. I just wanna keep helping him but i guess you can only do so much sad i feel very defeated and discouraged

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41721
   Posted 6/28/2017 3:38 PM (GMT -6)   
You can't change the way his family feels about you. But you shouldn't feel defeated or discouraged to this point. I am sure it is disappointing though. Do you have to be around his family? Can you see him elsewhere? Can you take it with a grain of salt? Probably not. Their feelings could change in time. Have you tried talking to his mother?

There really is only so much you can do. But there are the different options. You have to decide though if it is worth it or not.

Hang in there,

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41721
   Posted 6/28/2017 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I had missed your second post. I read your fist and last one. Yes, there is a lot of drama. It is up to you whether you are going to live that way or not. I would prefer not. I am going to make a sign to put on my front door that says "Drama Free Zone". Ha!!!
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 7/1/2017 12:07 PM (GMT -6)   
You said:

"i guess you can only do so much sad i feel very defeated and discouraged"

How is that situation going now?

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/5/2017 11:01 AM (GMT -6)   
It's not going good at all. For a while we were able to talk in secret and that was really nice until his mom found out we were talking saturday night. then sunday came, he called me bc he was angry w his parents. I told him to not be angry at them bc i dont want anymore drama in his life. After an hour i asked if he was feeling better, he opened the message and no response. Later that night i found out he had deleted me on snapchat (the only app we were able to talk on) and i thought maybe she took his phone away. Then 2 days later i see him being active on his social media and he still hasn't talked to me. I have no idea whats going on? Like he couldnt have gave me a quick message saying he cant talk to me just for a while? Or is it just over? I tried getting a hold of him w my art account on ig but he blocked me and i also tried texting him on a seperate number asking why he is ignoring me, but no response at all. Im so devastated. I dont understand why he is ghosting me when his last relationship ended the same way and he always told me it was the worst thing anyone could go through and he wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Ive done nothing but show him love and support even when things got as bad as this. Ugh sad

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/5/2017 11:31 AM (GMT -6)   
He hasnt show any signs that he wants to break up with me. He's been sending me poetry and art. We've been having a lot of nice talks. This is really confusing for me bc i dont wanna get my hopes only to be let down but at the same time i just wanna believe that this is only temporary until things calm down with his family. Also doesnt help that the last time i talked to him he was in a bad mood and mentioned he was upset w me about the whole twitter thing, although the way he brought it up was irrelevant.
He has told me before he just needs to time n patience so maybe this is just one of those things? I dont know

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 842
   Posted 7/5/2017 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
There are points in time in everyone's life where the decisions you make will determine the trajectory of your future. Soykitty, this is one of those points for you. Ask yourself if this kind of BS is what you're looking for in a mate. Do you stick around and darn yourself to an eternity of crap? Or do you bail, take some time to fix your broken heart, and find someone who values you for who you are? I know what I'd do, but I suspect I'm a lot older than you.

This dude is playing you. He's a weak tea beta male with significant mommy issues. Do you really want this to be an integral part of your future? I know he must have some alluring traits, otherwise you wouldn't have been attracted to him, but the good is always accompanied by the bad. Is the bad going to be worth it?

So far, it sounds like you hand out lots of love and support and you're not getting much back. Is that fair? Are there any real excuses that forgive that behavior? How come he gets all the advantages of having you as a girlfriend without having to put in any work? Aren't relationships supposed to be two-way streets?

SoyKitty, don't let this guy, or anyone actually, rob you of a fun, productive, and meaningful future.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1026
   Posted 7/5/2017 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Glad you got back to the board.

You said, "It's not going good at all. For a while we were able to talk in secret and that was really nice until his mom found out we were talking saturday night. then sunday came, he called me bc he was angry w his parents. I told him to not be angry at them bc i dont want anymore drama in his life. After an hour i asked if he was feeling better, he opened the message and no response."

I don't know how he interpreted your comment of "I told him to not be angry at them bc i dont want anymore drama in his life"

Do you think he might think that meant, he couldn't handle any conflict with his mother? Or that his mother was a drama queen?

What did you mean by that?

Whatever it meant, you were communicating with him, and his mother was trying to stop him, and his mother won. It also could mean, no more funding, such as free room and board in her house, and other expenses, such as free food.

So she holds a lot of things over his head if she wants. She's way over the top, in my view. His next girl will get the same treatment. In the long run, you're probably going to be better off without this guy.

If he man's up and calls you back, that will be OK. If he doesn't, maybe look at the positive and be glad you're free of his mother.

You weren't going to be able to go over there anyway, she can stop the phone calls. He's a prisoner of his mother, so we can feel bad for him, also.

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with you f27. Things havent been fair between us. I've been doing most, if not all, the emotional labor. I have been excusing it bc i feel like he just needs time to grow n heal n to be stronger again. Maybe thats something he needs to do without me tho. At first it bothered me until i found the root of the problem of why its so hard for him to be emotionally supportive at times. (Cos of his last mentally abusive relationship) When i found that out, i havent really been minding it all. I know he doesnt wanna stay stagnant. He wants to get better and thats whats making me stay bc i see his potential.

Post Edited (soykitten) : 7/5/2017 12:30:52 PM (GMT-6)


soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:31 PM (GMT -6)   
What i meant by "I told him to not be angry at them bc i dont want anymore drama in his life" is that his mom is very dramatic and cant control her emotions at all. Its always a yelling competition between them and i didnt want him to fuel a fire like that so i told him "dont be angry at them". He didnt take it the wrong way, he knew he had to calm down in order to face them but its hard when ur dealing with emotionally draining people. I'm just glad i'm not the only who sees his families abusive/toxic behavior. He told me his therapists told him the same thing and suggested that he moves out and become independent asap.

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 842
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:32 PM (GMT -6)   
So, if I was your best friend, and it was me in a relationship with this guy instead of you, what would suggest I do?

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I'd tell them to focus on themselves and let him figure what he has to do for himself and if its meant to be then it will happen but also that they deserve something better and less stressful.

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 842
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like pretty good advice, especially the part about deserving something better and less stressful. smile

You alluded to being an artist. What's your medium? Mine is music.

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/6/2017 8:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I write smile

soykitten
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/6/2017 8:25 PM (GMT -6)   
So i finally got a hold of him yesterday.. he said his family is keeping track of him thats why he wasnt able to contact me bc he didnt want to get his phone taken away again. He also said that he isnt planning to move out any time soon anymore. I suggested we break up since its going to be the biggest hassle working around his family and us having to meet in secret only. He told me he still wanted to be friends and do all the things we did in our relationship basically and i told him i didnt want to do that.
Today he dropped off my stuff and told me he didnt want to see me. I ended up seeing him anyways bc i forgot one of his things and i asked why he was upset and he basically told me he wasnt but then proceeded to say that i left him when he needed me the most and that i gave up on us and how i dont want to be his friend. Then i told him i was going to grab something and by the time i went out he left.
I feel very crushed that he decided to leave this on such a bad note. I really love him and i wanted to end things with love. I have no hard feelings for him whatsoever. I do want to be his friend but i just need time to heal sad
I dont understand why he is not taking my feelings into consideration at all. I've only ever been there for him. I cant believe he would say such a thing to me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41721
   Posted 7/7/2017 3:12 AM (GMT -6)   
By the sound of it, he isn't thinking. He is kind of immature in a way. Letting his mom rule everything. He needs to get a mind of his own. I think you are doing the right thing, give him time to man up. I hope things get better for you. You sound like a good and caring person.

Hang in there.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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