Depressed boyfriend broke up with me

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Bbdavis
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/17/2017 9:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
I have been in a (very) long distance relationship for about a year and a half. My (ex)boyfriend has told me he was depressed before we met and he has had dark thoughts ever since he was about 10 years old. Lately he’s been starting to feel depressed again and a couple of weeks ago he broke up with me saying he needs some time to work on himself. He is now seeing a therapist and if necessary he will start taking medication. He wants absolutely no conatct right now as he “doesn’t want to have to worry about anyone else”. I am so confused as our relationship was so strong and our love for each other something I have never experienced in my life before nor have I ever seen any of my friends in such a strong relationship. I understand where he is coming from and I want to give him the time that he needs. He has expressed things in a way that he might want to get back together in the future by saying things like “we need need some time apart”, “we’re breaking up for now”, and “I’m not saying this is for good”. I do believe that he would never try to leed me on or keep me waiting if he didn’t sincerely hope that we could get back together one day. I guess my question is what are the chances that when he recovers he will find his way back to me? I guess there’s not one answer to that question but has anyone experienced something similar? At this point I’m not ready to move on either way, he is the love of my life, but it would be good to hear if there is any chance for us..
If anyone has any thoughts or any experience with this kind of situation your input will be much appreciated.
Thanks

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41718
   Posted 7/17/2017 11:11 AM (GMT -6)   
You are right, there is no one answer. As we are all unique and our experiences are too.

I would keep living. Don't put yourself on hold. But that doesn't mean you need to give up. It sounds like he just needs a break for awhile. As he "doesn't want to have to worry about anyone else". I totally can understand that. When we are depressed it is hard to just take care of ourselves. To focus on ourselves so we can get better. It takes time. Like I say we are all unique, the time frame is too.

So there are no clear answers for you. You will have to have faith that things will work out for the best. And in the meantime, do nice things for you. Go places, do things, do self nurturing. It isn't the end of the world, though it probably feels like it could be. Just keep hanging in there.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 7/17/2017 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
The 'good news' is...he's seeing a therapist and he is open to trying medications.

He needs to focus on himself and you should too.

Break it down a little...what if he needed surgery to fix something wrong? He's the only one in the operating room, he's the only one going to physical therapy. No one can do it for him.

He's got to figure out if medication is what he needs, which medication, give it time to start working (which can take a few weeks) and learn how to open up to his therapist.

My darkness is total when I am in it. I have zero self worth. People saying things to 'help me feel better' tend to infuriate me.

Give him the time he needs, and be grateful he had the wisdom to ask for it. I always like to see glimpses of the rational mind in the middle of an irrational illness.

Meanwhile, don't you become a hermit, waiting for his call. Continue to do the things you enjoy. Get together with friends, etc. Life will lead you to where you should be.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Bbdavis
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/17/2017 12:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your answers.

I am very hopeful one minute and the next I'm thinking we'll never get back together. I guess the most important thing is for him to get better and not for us to get back together, it's just the selfish side of me that can't imagine my life without him.

I guess in the beginning I was feeling a bit hurt that he didn't want to keep me around as I just want to support him, but now I've been reading quite a bit about depression and I am starting to understand his side of it, even if I never fully will as I've never experienced it myself.

What I am struggling with is staying away from him. I've told him I am here for him whenever (if ever) he needs to talk. But I guess now I should just not contact him at all and let him come to me if he wants to? I feel like I want to text him sometimes and remind him that I am still here. But it seems, from what I've read that, that could backfire and push him further away? I don't want him to feel abandoned by me (even if he's the one who broke it off), but maybe it's better to stay away so he doesn't feel pressured?

This situation is no new to me.. I also distance myself from my friends because I don't want to tell them what's going on, which doesn't really make it easier.

Anyways I'm really thankful you took the time to reply

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 7/17/2017 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
May I suggest a journal? This way, you can write down what you'd like to say to him, share your thoughts and experiences with him, and one day he can read it.

I know a lot of people that have become separated from their children, usually through divorce. The journal is a way for these parents to let their children know that they are thought of, every day, by their parent. Often, children of divorce come looking for the other parent, once the other parent can't stop them. I've seen the responses to these journals help heal families. For these children to know it wasn't a case of "out of sight, out of mind", that their parent missed them terribly, that there were experiences they wished they could have shared in the first person...well, I think you get the idea. Tucked into the journals are the Birthday cards, the Christmas cards, graduation cards and such. Keepsakes from trips that the parent wishes could have been taken with the children...

Life goes on. Just because you are apart, doesn't mean you can't keep the other person in your day to day this way.

Bbdavis
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/17/2017 2:15 PM (GMT -6)   
A journal is a great idea. I have one to write down my own feelings as I feel it helps a lot when I am feeling down. But I will definitely get one to write down what I wish I could say to him, Thank you!

Bbdavis
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/19/2017 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Do you think sending him a letter in a month or so (if I haven't heard from him) would be good or would it just push him further away? I'd just like to write to him and apologise for the things I should have handled differently in our relationship and breakup. And let him know that I am working on myself and also doing a lot of research on depression and having a depressed partner..I don't know, it feels like a good idea to me but I don't want him to feel pressured..

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 284
   Posted 7/19/2017 6:58 AM (GMT -6)   
B - I am so sorry your heart is aching. I honestly think the best thing you can do right now is give him the time and space he needs while letting him know you are interested in talking again when he's ready. I hope that you will go forward with your life too as you sound like a compassionate partner.

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2116
   Posted 7/20/2017 7:05 AM (GMT -6)   
This may sound harsh but, what part of "I need to focus on myself" do you not understand?

You want to write him a letter because it will make YOU feel better.

Do your research, as you say you are going to do. You will probably find someone that agrees that you are right, but I think the majority will say to leave him alone.

Write as much as you want...just don't mail anything.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Bbdavis
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/20/2017 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   
I guess you're right.. I just don't want him to feel abandoned.. but yeah I guess I shouldn't

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41718
   Posted 7/20/2017 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Don't be surprised if he reaches out to you in time. It is just frustrating when you are the one waiting. I don't want to get your hopes up, but you never know what is going to happen. Keep working on you in the meantime.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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