After 28yrs together, Married for 18yrs, my HS Sweetheart wants a Divorce for NO REASON

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HS Sweethearts1990
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Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/26/2017 1:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I married my HS Sweetheart. We have been together for 28 years and married for the last 18 of those years. We have 3 incredible boys ages 12, 10 and 7. My youngest son was born with severe congenital scoliosis, with several fused ribs and a clubbed foot. We routinely have to take him every 6months for back surgery out of state, to the Children's Hospital in Philadelphia.

Over the past few years we have had financial troubles that stemmed from the business I opened and from my son's medical bills. We weren't making any money from the business and this caused my Wife, who is a Registered Nurse, to work at her job Full Time, rather than part time so that we can keep on top of things at home. The business paid for the business bills and some home expenses. But my Wife paid for about 2/3rds of the home expenses.

Last year she seemed distant and we sought out couples counseling. We only did one session. She said in that session that she feels like I am more of a "friend" than her lover. She has always called me her best friend and we have always been close friends. In fact, that was how we even started dating. We felt that we didn't need counseling but instead just needed more quality alone time-date nights. So we did that and from my perspective it was working. We both seemed happy and very much in love again. We would talk about our "dates" and reminisce about the fun we had. I would check in with her during the week just to say hi and also I would ask her if "we were ok" and she would always say "yes", and she would say, "I love you".

But about 4 weeks ago on 6/21/17, my Wife told me that she isn't happy and that she "no longer loves me". She loves me but "not in that way". She went on to say that she wants a Divorce. I am completely devastated, upset and feel betrayed.

We've been fighting almost everyday. Mostly starting from me because I don't want to get divorced. I want everything to be worked out and discussed for our sake and for the sake of the children. She is adamant that she no longer loves me and doesn't even allow herself to consider to try and doesn't give me any reasons for her change of heart. I believe in our marriage and in our commitment. I also feel that our relationship has been through many personal struggles with things that has happened on her side of the family that I have always been there for her, emotionally, physically and spiritually without ever straying.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this... But does anyone have any experience like this? She tells me she's never had an affair (neither physically or emotionally) and it is just since we've had money problems, she is too stressed and doesn't want to deal with it anymore, so she fell out of love with me. She is 45 years old and I am 44.

She just filed for Divorce yesterday, after telling me this 4 weeks ago. She has no desire to try to work on it, and won't consider couples therapy or even therapy for herself.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

ambling
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 7/26/2017 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi HS, sorry you are going through this emotional whirlpool.

I guess you are asking this on a Depression forum because you are depressed, or getting depressed?
Sometimes understanding a situation better helps with depression. Other times no explanation helps. Counselling, and learning coping strategies are really important for depression.

Your partner has been thinking about getting a divorce for quite some time. However, for you, the situation comes as a shock.
Understanding that she tried, and failed to resolve her dilemma, may help you rationalise her behaviour. For you it seems that she is not even trying to repair the situation, and that frustrates you.
As hard as it may be, you will need to work on your self, and your own survival. Whether or not she has a change of heart later down the track is unclear. Your own sanity and well being is the issue right now.

People sometimes get tired of their life, and their relationships. They can feel things it is all too familiar, and the thought of a potential new path can lure them away. It is not a matter of logic but rather of emotions.

Wish you good luck with your path, and decisions you make. Take care of yourself (and your children.)

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1016
   Posted 7/26/2017 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
You say:

"I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this... But does anyone have any experience like this? She tells me she's never had an affair (neither physically or emotionally) and it is just since we've had money problems, she is too stressed and doesn't want to deal with it anymore, so she fell out of love with me. She is 45 years old and I am 44."

I had a rough marriage, also. And my wife kept wanting a divorce, because she was having affairs, and also because she got caught.

In addition to the divorce, she also wanted the house we were buying, all of it, and our child, then 3 1/2.

Well, she could have walked out anytime she wanted to, but she was wanting the house and the child without any questions about it, which I wasn't willing to give up.

So it was pretty rough.

You said she had filed for divorce, thinking about my marital situation, isn't there something called "grounds for divorce?" Like infidelity, etc.

You can just walk in off the street and file for divorce?

Also, how is she going to take care of all of those children on her salary alone, and also take care of them by being in the house and helping them? If it's tough with 2 parents, how is she going to handle that alone?

What is the practical side of this?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41690
   Posted 7/27/2017 4:02 AM (GMT -6)   
HI HS,

Welcome to the depression forum.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I see this is very difficult for you. Again, I am sorry.

Try to take things one day at a time and keep your kid's best interest at heart through all of this. I know it is hard to do. But Keep hanging in there...

Keep posting as it does help to get things out.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

HS Sweethearts1990
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/27/2017 4:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for all of your words of support and encouragement. Apparently in NY you don't need "grounds for Divorce". It is a "no fault Divorce" state.

I think now after she met with her Attorney she understands that she will need to sell the house and split the proceeds. That is the only way she will be able to afford living on her own with our 3 kids. Of course I will be paying child support and I will still be involved in raising our kids.

But none of this is "logical". She is just doing it. Someone told me that she is perhaps going through a depression and a mid life crisis. She is devoid of emotion-especially towards me. Whenever I bring up how long we've been together and how she didn't even give us a chance she gets upset and she just says she doesn't want to talk about it, that she's "done".

I'm not ok with this and now I am going to have to suffer the outcome of losing my house, not being with her and not being with my children everyday, all day. For nothing that I did. I was always faithful to her, did things around the house for her, took care of the kids... we have had friends and family "jealous" as to how good I treated her. But now I just ask, where did that get me? I did all of that FOR HER. I love her.

pitmom
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Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2100
   Posted 7/27/2017 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry to hear what you are going through.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years...the longest relationship of my life. When we argue, I'm always the one saying "I'm DONE!" She is the persistent one that won't let me go and so far, that makes me the lucky one. Our situation is different than yours, for sure. I have depression, she has O.C.D. and at times, our mental illnesses 'don't play well with each other'.

I've done a lot of 'soul searching' to try and find out 'why' I say 'I'm done!' and what I have discovered about myself is that it seems to be the only 'thing' I can change...it's the only thing I have 'power' over. The saying "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." doesn't always mean wanting another person. It means, to me, a feeling of powerlessness over situations and conditions. So, the one thing I can 'change' is who I share my life with. It's not fair to her, obviously. It's a pattern in my life. One that I desperately want to change.

Why your wife feels this way, I have no idea, only she knows.

As for the outcome of your situation...why do you assume she will get custody of the children? Are you not planning on seeking custody of them? Times are changing and fathers can do single parenting just as much as mothers. Why do you say 'she understands she will have to sell the house'? Is the house only in her name? You say 'I am going to have to suffer the outcome of losing my house'. You say you 'did things around the house for her, took care of the kids...' like you were doing her a favor. Those responsibilities are part of the package, not something that earns a partner and parent a pat on the back. You say "we have had friends and family 'jealous' as to how good I treated her", as if that isn't to be expected. How did they know about how good you treated her? From you or from her? Were you boasting or was she?

No one gets divorced for no good reason. Just who is this person that told you 'perhaps she is going through a depression and mid life crisis'? Who are you talking to about your issues? Why do they assume it's 'her' problem?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. Looking at our own part in things is not always easy. Examining our motives for everything we do can be painful but enlightening.

My Aunt and Uncle got divorced, then after several years apart, they moved back in together without remarrying. One never knows what the future holds.

Get some counselling for yourself so that 'someone' won't have to wonder if you are 'going through depression and/or a mid life crisis'.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Myself 09
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Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 7/27/2017 1:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome!! I am sorry for your circumstances.

What she said^^^, and what Ambling said, as well. Your job is to focus on you. You can wish she made different decisions, but you cannot make her do that. So, the only way forward in this mess is to protect yourself emotionally. That is the only thing you can really control.

Even if she won't go to counseling, you would benefit from it. Go, and have an outside and objective supporter in your life.
Ulcerative Colitis 2003, Fibromyalgia DX 2005, Crohn's 2013, Enteropathic arthritis, 2013. Family History of Fibro--2 out of 3 siblings diagnosed. Started SCD-June 2013. *There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who see the glass as half-full, ones who see the glass as half-empty, and others who see a big crack in the side which is leaking all over their %$#@# foot

HS Sweethearts1990
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/28/2017 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
I sincerely appreciate all of your comments and advice. I've been seeing a therapist 2x a week for the past month. I met with my Divorce Attorney yesterday since she filed this week. Sadly she has so much more to lose financially with this situation and that furthermore shows me how committed she is to end this. While she may have cited finances as her "reason" for our disconnection and for her change of feelings, we both are going to be losing so much through Divorce. Already we are out $10,000 just this week in attorney fees. By the initial conversations our attorney fees will escalate to about 20-30,000 if we can end it amicably. I care far less about the money and so much more about trying to reconcile and I've told her that. But she is adamant that this is what she wants.
So yes, I've been working on myself and my plan for a future without her. I'm a bit more rational and logical than she is. So this is hard for me because it all doesn't make sense. But my therapist says that when someone acts out of emotion, rarely does logic or reason enter into the equation. I continue to care for her and I still carry on with the usual affectionate things I've done for her daily. I just can't turn it off because I love her so much. Many tell me I shouldn't because she doesn't love me anymore and she may not appreciate these things.

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 14966
   Posted 7/28/2017 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to read about your situation. At the same time glad to read that you are taking the steps to keep yourself healthy. Your children will always need you no matter what. Love is not something you just turn off like a water faucet. Regardless, she is the mother of your children & you will always have a love for her.

In all honesty, your wife did not just feel the need to get a divorce suddenly. My bet is this is something that has been brewing with her for quite some time & she has reached the point she had to make a decision & has.

It is real easy for friends to tell you all sorts of things you should do or how she didn't appreciate this or that. Don't let yourself get too wrapped up in those opinions, they are just that, words only. Bitterness is very easy to creep in & those type of comments just add fuel to the fire. My son went through this 2 yrs ago, out of no where his wife announced I am not happy & want a divorce. They were together almost 21 yrs with one child. He had no clue either. My advice to him was concentrate on your child & yourself & making a new life without her. Sure he had his tough times, but the goal was to stay healthy in order to do this. Once the divorce was final the dust more or less settled. And yes, he has moved on. He has since had time to reflect & see's many things now that he did not see back then. I imagine the same will hold true for you too.

Take care.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1016
   Posted 7/28/2017 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
You said your state has a "No Fault Divorce" rule, in which no grounds (such as infidelity) has to be proved.

I do remember when that came in many years ago. But I've also heard it expressed, "(My partner) would never grant me a divorce," which I take to mean, "He or she would not agree to a no-fault divorce," meaning the other spouse has to agree to that.

When my wife wanted to split, she said, "Leave!" she didn't say she wanted a divorce. I guess because I could prove she had been having an affair. So there's a difference.

Also, she wanted the house we were buying, didn't want to divide it like a divorce would have called for. If I had left, she would not have been able to pay the mortgage, and would have gone to my mother and said, "Your grandson will be out on the street if you don't pay the mortgage every month," showing she would have started to con my mother after she had conned me.

I stayed but it was very rough.

I know how unstable these threats of separation can be.

People were telling me this, too, if she makes more than you, as my wife did in our situation, people were telling me, I might could get custody of the child (she did have a proveable affair, and many more behind that one,) and she would have to pay me alimony.

I didn't want the child to be without his mother, so I wasn't fighting for that.

Just your saying how much lawyers charge is enough to bring me to my knees. I don't what to advise. Keep us posted.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 14966
   Posted 7/28/2017 12:24 PM (GMT -6)   
TimTam, regardless of what the OP says "no fault state", both parties do not have to be agreeable to the divorce, meaning that his spouse can divorce him whether he agrees to it or not. Typical wording is irreconcilable differences to support the marriage. If they cannot come up with an agreeable division of property owned & assets, a judge can order the division of assets. If a judge has to step in on that, it may not be very favorable for either & it would be ridiculous to force that issue.

His situation is completely different from yours. You stayed with your wife for your reasons which are not the same as the OP. He has an atty & needs to be listening to what his atty has advised.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1016
   Posted 7/28/2017 12:44 PM (GMT -6)   
OK, I didn't know that one side can say, I want a divorce, and the divorce is final.

Gosh. There's no dickering here. It's just, how much they can get for the house, etc. Wow.

I guess, then, it is just a matter of listening to your lawyer.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 14966
   Posted 7/28/2017 1:47 PM (GMT -6)   
In today's environment it is no longer difficult to get a divorce. Things have truly changed over the years, especially going back when you got your divorce. An example, my sister's daughter just got divorced with 2 kids. They had a home & could not agree on the house. The judge allowed her to stay in the home & make the house payments until both children turns 18 yrs of age. Once the last ones 18th rolls around, then home must be sold & ex gets half of the proceeds of the sale.

In all honesty, if a spouse is not happy in a marriage & feels a divorce is necessary then so be in. When there are children involved both parents need to be reasonably happy. If one spouse feels trapped for whatever reason & they are not happy, then that person will have a profound effect on the children. Children know when things are messed up & it is not fair to them because it will stay with them for life. Why mess up their lives? Each parent/partner is entitled to their own happiness. Trying to make someone stay with a person because someone doesn't want to let go, rarely ever ends up well in the long run for everyone involved. In the perfect world couples would be happy & no divorces, however, we do not live in a perfect world.

I spoke previously of my son going through a divorce. When there is a divorce it can be fairly amicable. They worked on the division of everything so no one walked away feeling they had been screwed. Neither was interested in trying to screw the other around, that is not productive & just costs more money trying to bicker over something that really has no value. Although, the divorce was a shocker they handled it as adults with their child being the top priority. His ex is happy & in time he found his peace & I think both are better parents as a result.

I worked in the legal field & saw some real stupid stuff believe me. Most of it could have been avoided but a lot of it was all about trying to make the other one suffer a little misery. If there are kids involved a person will always have to deal with the other spouse on a different level which is the kids. Why should the kids suffer because of a parent? I see so many kids being put in the middle of their parents garbage & it does come back on the kids when the parents are not acting like adults, its sad.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums
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