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above_water
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/27/2017 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
So, I had written this very long and eloquent introduction, somehow I deleted the entire thing.

But at the end of the day, I have a hx of bulimia, depression, self harm, PTSD, and GAD.

I have been treated with Prozac and worked up to 60 mg, Klonopin PRN; and have not had any ED tendencies or thoughts, my self harm is now kept in check by Crossfit, I deal with the anxiety as best as I can. My depression is still eating at me. I know that I am a chemically depressed person, but this extra load on me is situational and I do feel will pass with time. I'm struggling financially with my student loans, have a job that I LOVE but it does not pay very much, and I know this will all pass.

I wanted to introduce myself and try talking and reading about people like me, or get advice. My biggest question right now is should I try to go up to the 80 mg of Prozac until I get the rest of my life under control...or if its part of "growing up" that I'm just going to have to get over? If that makes since.

I cry all the time, I am scared of what my future holds, I am naturally an introvert but its gotten worse, my anxiety is at an all time HIGH, even on the 60, I can't TAKE enough Klonopin to help. Working out is just about my only way that I "connect with people", when I am at my gym with those people I do feel "myself", I am much more outgoing, and I love working out. But obviously that is only an hour out of my day. I am exhausted by the end of the day mentally from work (that's the introvert in me), but all my mind does is worry about all the money that I am fixing to have to pay back, when I STILL want to go back to school......

I hope I have not overstepped and posted something in the wrong area, I just really wanted to get some feedback and introduce myself and hopefully gain some insight.

Thank you all for listening

Trying to Keep my head "above_water"

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6072
   Posted 7/27/2017 12:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome!

Crying and feeling continually anxious is NOT normal. If your doctor suggests making the jump from 60-80, consider doing so. You deserve to feel better. What is the worst that can happen?

Have you called whatever company services your loan? The federally-backed loaned have an income sensitive repayment program. It does sound as if you are fixating on the loan, which is not good. You cannot solve this issue immediately, but you can address how you feel about it. You are not alone. It is a thing that so many people have, and so many people have trouble paying back. In ten years, if it is still there, that is not the end of the world.

You sound recently graduated--are you? The anxiety over transitions is a normal thing, too, and if you are newly-outta-school, you are still in transition. Feeling tired after work is a universal issue. The point here is that your heightened anxiety over these issues would indicate that the issue is really anxiety rearing its ugly stupid head.

Working out is a good thing for depression--so it is good you have a routine. Ask someone at your gym if they want to have dinner sometime. Go for coffee.

above_water
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/27/2017 2:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks so much for your words, Myself 09.

I'm working right now with my loan servicing provider on getting on an income based repayment plan, and I also work for a State Hospital so they are available for the forgiveness program...but I am very fixated on them.

Actually I finished my masters degree in 2013...long story short I worked overseas from the time I was 21 until 32, missed a lot of "those transition years", I was financially very well compensated for those years, but due to the abuse in my relationship I had to get out of the marriage fast; and he controlled all of our assets I left the marriage with nothing. I have had to start from scratch, literally. I moved to Seattle for a great job, starting really having some issues there, then moved back home.

So now, I'm home--in my mid 30's--in the poorest state in the US, with nothing....and cannot even get a nibble on a job working with my MBA. Like I said before, I love my current job and working for a state hospital is good, but the stress of knowing that I'm home, have nothing, and run into people that I've known my entire life, and I'm "just starting over", little do they know crippled with debt of student loans, its just embarrassing and very crushing.

I realize there are so many worse things that could be happening to me right now, and again I hate to sound like a baby, but the amount of anxiety I have is getting to be unmanageable. I go back to my doc in a couple of weeks and will voice all of this to her and see what my options are.

Yea, my gym is amazing. The people that are all there seem to all have their personal "brokenness" and we are a family for sure. We usually always go out to eat Mexican once a week...sometimes I can make myself go, but other times my introverted self gets in the way.

Anyways, thanks again for all your time in reading my first post and for giving me such great insight.
Trying to stay,
above_water

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 7/27/2017 2:31 PM (GMT -6)   
What do you do at the State Hospital?

above_water
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/27/2017 2:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Officially, I am a Physician Scheduler for our department. But the job is very open to several other jobs that fall on me. Which I enjoy, because it gives me a lot of freedom to speak to patients and help them in a different way than in a clinical way. I am trying to get into PA school.....so it gives me a little bit of both of what I like smile
Trying to stay,
above_water

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2113
   Posted 7/27/2017 3:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum.

I remember when my 25 year high school reunion was coming up. Part of me wanted to go, the other part, not so much. What would I say to 'them'? That I was divorced, living back at home with my parents, on welfare? I'll pass on that, thank you. Yeah, it's a tough spot.

That said, why is it you can see the 'brokenness' in the people at the gym but are intimidated by being around the people that you knew before? Try not comparing your insides with someone else's outsides. They might be burdened with debt, too. At least yours is from getting an education. Some folks wrack up credit card debt for the same reasons you used to self harm.

You are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You work and you work out. You're moving forward. Inch by inch maybe, but I have a feeling it won't be long before your covering more ground at a faster pace!

Keep posting, and by all means talk with the doc about upping the milligrams. Might just be the boost you need.

above_water
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/27/2017 3:27 PM (GMT -6)   
WOW, Pitmom....I'm already feeling better just by the words of encouragement I've gotten here thus far.

Yea, HS reunions not for me. But, you are right....I don't have any other bills except a cell phone and my gym membership. I think the reason that my gym family and I connect and recognize things within ourselves and each other is because we all see to scratch an itch that going to say a "regular" gym does not scratch, or drinking, drugging, whatever the vice. Every workout we do together, we all struggle the best crossfitters in the gym and the brand new people that just quit smoking and have not worked out in 30 years. We all find ourselves lying on the ground, dying after each workout. They are fast, intense, and literally take your mind off of anything else. We all are drawn to this crazy way of treating our bodies like we are made of metal. But, I like the word broken-ness, because if something is broken, it can be fixed. Just like those Chinese bowls I believe that are broken on purpose and then put back together with actual gold, making them more beautiful and worth more. People are like that too.

I don't feel that way about the people that I used to know...because I am a ghost of the person I used to be. I am nothing like the person I was when they knew me. And our "life" experiences are so different. Most went directly to a 4 year university and sorority and got married. While I went to Paramedic school and deployed to the Mid East for almost 12 years. I don't know how to relate to them. I don't have a connection with them. Yes, if I were to talk to them I would probably find out they were in an affair, had a child by 3 different people, struggling with debt, gambling problems, or dying of cancer.

You really have made me feel so much better, and your words have resonated with me more than you could realize.

Thank you again.
Trying to stay,
above_water

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 7/27/2017 4:06 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounded like that's what might be why you enjoyed your job so much, getting to talk to some patients in a mental health environment.

That's why I like this board, it gives me a chance to talk to some people who are having emotional problems, but not from the standpoint of a doctor. That's why I'm talking to you.

How did you husband abuse you, how bad did it get, and how did you get away? Have I already seen this movie on TV?

I was in an abusive situation from my wife's actions, and I know how rough that can be.

PA. Physician's Assistant. So how are you going to pull that one off?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41715
   Posted 7/27/2017 4:16 PM (GMT -6)   
You said that while you are working out you can forget about everything else for awhile. That is mindfulness. Stay mindful it takes away the anxiety. mindful.org is a place to start if you are interested. As they say... Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that is why it is called "the present". Yes, mindful. It makes life so much easier.

Meditation to quiet the mind. I use this to go to sleep at night. It really works. There are so many books on meditation. I hope you find one.

Sounds like you got a lot on your plate. I think too that the up in medication would be the trick. And I agree with everything else that has been posted by others. You will make it, one day at a time.

Hang in there, Keep posting, it helps to get other's opinions.

Welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6072
   Posted 7/28/2017 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
One thing at a time. One concern at a time. I apply the rule that I can only think about one issue at a time, and the rest of them I am allowed to put away for later. The worries aren't going anywhere. I also follow five year rule when I get overwhelmed. There are two steps: will this matter in five years? If yes, can I do anything about it RIGHT NOW? If yes, you can continue. If you answer no to both questions, you are wasting valuable energy.

The things in the past are just things--we all have them. Specific situations or people, damages, fears, hopes. What these are is ultimately less important than how we choose to deal with them productively.

In other words-the path forward is far more important than the road behind you.

above_water
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/4/2017 8:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Tim Tam said...
It sounded like that's what might be why you enjoyed your job so much, getting to talk to some patients in a mental health environment.

That's why I like this board, it gives me a chance to talk to some people who are having emotional problems, but not from the standpoint of a doctor. That's why I'm talking to you.

How did you husband abuse you, how bad did it get, and how did you get away? Have I already seen this movie on TV?

I was in an abusive situation from my wife's actions, and I know how rough that can be.

PA. Physician's Assistant. So how are you going to pull that one off?


Hi Tim Tam,

Yes, I love the Mental Health environment. I've always been interested into how other people's brain worked. IDK to explain that one. Could be because externally fixating on something preoccupies my mind to not dwell on myself. Could be because I'm looking for answers for my own problems. IDK...

X-husband was physically and emotionally abusive...its amazing though of all the times I've been injured the only things I remember or continue to mull over are the words that he used. They and the physical scars stick around. My physical scars don't ache, but my brain and my heart do every day. Its so difficult to take away the power that someone had over you once you give it. I know I will be selective moving forward. But, the words he used will always plague me.

Get away? Well, I moved across the country, cut ties, changed numbers, basically went into hibernation mode. Geographically it worked. Emotionally I'm still stuck.

PA school--ahhhhh. One step at a time. Let me get accepted into the school I've applied for, then I will let you know!!

Thanks for your words.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7087
   Posted 8/4/2017 10:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Above Water,

May I suggest that you try working on SELF-COMPASSION AND SELF-LOVE.

I have had and still have urges of self harm, since I started to work on SC and SL it has been SO much better. It took approximately 2months to kick in strong, now it is almost like breathing daily and I have lots of SPACE between urge and action. Enabling me to NOT self harm.

There are Pod casts and meditations on YouTube that can help in the beginning.

I use a book entitled THE MINDFUL PATH TO SELF-COMPASSION by Germer PHD. A great book to read, has exercises, a wonderful reference book, to return to again and again.

I hope this helped.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1024
   Posted 8/4/2017 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Whoa. What a story. Here’s mine:

Wife was sexually abused as a child. When she got caught cheating for 7 years, wife had no patience putting up with a husband who couldn’t deal with that, and her Plan B was for the husband to leave, leave his ½ of their house, leave their 3 year old child, leave.

When husband didn’t leave, start of 37 years of verbal/emotional abuse, the first 10 of which the cheating continued unknown, added to the first 7 years when it was not known until the last.

How did I described that? Two dogs in a pit. We couldn’t get out of the pit. Because of the child, because of the house. With bipolar, it was difficult for me to hold a job, and along with the child for 15 of those years, I’m stuck in the pit.

She’s stuck in the pit because she doesn’t want to give up her ½ of the house, or the child for the first 15 years of that.

She was very controlling and isolating. Even when I came back from the doctor, it was, “What did he say?” and when I told her, she would argue with what he said. My going to the doctor was a threat to her, for he might help me, if she couldn’t pry us apart, by disagreeing with everything that he said.

She would pick up the phone in her room sometime when I was in my room talking to someone.

Because of a health problem, I found it difficult to drive a car. I was triple trapped.

The only thing I had left was my mind, and with bipolar, and her harping, that could dwindle.

She made sure our son was in her camp, by, one way, giving him money to be loyal to her.

She had it going there for about 37 years. Then, as a smoker, she got sick from that, and died after 3 years, which was 8 years ago.

It was like seeing a train coming at you, and watching it veer off the track at the last second. It was an unbelievable feeling, of how did I get away from that?

So who took over her attacks on me after she died? Only in a movie would you see this, as she handed the mantle of her anger over to our then some 35 year old son. Unbelievable.

For 7 1/2 years he came after me, with my not knowing, as with my not knowing that she was having an affair for 7 years, and then when I found out, she continued it for 10 more years, again, without my knowing it.

Right, what kind of idiot are we dealing with here? Exactly.

Anyway, but to be nice, six months ago, right, I caught on that my now 42 year old son had been coming after me following her death now almost 8 years ago.

I’m shocked! Life is filled with surprises, for idiots!

Well, I quit having anything to do with him, now going on 7 months ago, so I guess I’m as close to contented as I’ll ever be. It is better in some ways, but there are still obstacles, exactly.

I do have some lasting physical scars from that. It would come from a physical condition which my wife and then my son would go after at every chance.

How did you make your break, your emotional, physical, geographical break? Did you have help? Did you have inner strength? What factors pieced it together for you?

I have inner strength from my health problems, which can boost my ego, to continue on.

“But, the words he used will always plague me.” Ohh! Bad dude.

What caused him to be like that?
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