If you want to become invisible, just be depressed

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NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9766
   Posted 8/23/2017 2:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I am starting to seriously feel like a ghost. I had a bad relapse with my depression a few weeks ago, which makes it harder - much, much harder - to socialise and talk with people. Those things don't exactly come naturally to me as it is, but throw depression into the mix and I might as well become a mute.

I've noticed how people ignore you when you're depressed. At the time you most need a kindly word, other people will act like you simply don't exist. It's happened to me in my gardening group and it happened this evening at my autism group (thank god that's only once a month): even amongst other autistic people, they just band together in small groups and completely ignore me. Plus you wouldn't think there would be exhibitionists and show-offs in an autism group, but there are, and they love talking about themselves at great length to the group.

If I died tomorrow, I literally feel like it would make no difference to anyone beyond my parents. I can't take much more of this. As much as I would like to be a robot, with absolutely no need for other people, I can't eradicate that side of me that needs validation and human contact. And I have a personality which makes it virtually impossible to obtain. On top of that, chronic illness, and feeling like constant physical and mental crap, doesn't help.

I dunno even why I'm writing this really. Think I wanted to see if anyone else can relate to the invisible part, because that is really getting me down right now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41599
   Posted 8/23/2017 4:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I think we all want to be validated. I think that is what you mean. It is human nature.

I am alone so much and I like it. I think it makes life less complicated. But I know where you are coming from, we would like to think we mean something to somebody. Though the truth is we don't know if we do or not. People get wrapped up in themselves. Like you said you wouldn't think that there would be show offs and exhibitionists in an autism group, but there is. I guess this is the way they get validation. By attracting attention. Though I truly don't see you as liking that type of a person, I myself wouldn't be interested in show-offs and the other.

I hope you can become happy without feeling like a ghost. I hope you can make a friend that you can communicate with. I have two in person friends. The rest of them are online. It is nice to see my friends, though it isn't often. Maybe once or twice a month.

I think when we can become happy with ourselves, we don't need other people as much. You have to love yourself for who you are. Even if not perfect. We have to appreciate our flaws I guess. We own them and nobody else does.

And be thankful you have family. Some of us do not. I for instance don't have much. A sister and a couple of cousins. Everybody else has passed on. Sometimes we have to look at what we do have instead of what we don't have. I think having family is a lot. But that is because I lack that. If I didn't, I may of taken it for granted.

I hope you feel better soon NCOT. I am glad you posted and I am sure others can relate to what you have said. It is a shared topic.

Hang in there, and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6055
   Posted 8/23/2017 4:43 PM (GMT -6)   
NCOT--This is interesting, in a self-aware kind of way. I devoted a good bit of thought before typing this response. I never really gave it thought, but I definitely do notice a difference.

It is so much harder doing the public thing when I am depressed. I do not feel invisible, though. I feel clumsy and unattractive. I have one of those faces that looks like it is smiling all the time, and I always acknowledge and nod to people that I interact with. My dear Mom was southern-born and bred, and she insisted that all of us be polite and present in public. I also think my theatre training makes me take up space differently, and I definitely have no issues with being noticed or looked at. I am always very aware of where I am in relation to others. When depressed, I feel uglier and smaller, clumsy and awkward. I feel as if I am attracting attention for the wrong reasons.

It is that internal judge, weaving her imposter strands into my life.

Now that I have hit middle-age, I notice that I am more in the background than I have ever been. Youth has a kind of beauty and freshness that draws the eye. Middle-age is just a mean,nasty period--worse than being a teenager. With teen low-self esteem, you feel as if you will never ever be confident. With middle-age, you know that you once were confident and fresh, but that you have lost it for good.
Ulcerative Colitis 2003, Fibromyalgia DX 2005, Crohn's 2013, Enteropathic arthritis, 2013. Family History of Fibro--2 out of 3 siblings diagnosed. Started SCD-June 2013. *There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who see the glass as half-full, ones who see the glass as half-empty, and others who see a big crack in the side which is leaking all over their %$#@# foot

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19615
   Posted 8/23/2017 8:07 PM (GMT -6)   
we hear ya and understand. when others shut us out, and we self isolate and the depression is biting our minds can lead us into invisibility. it is cyclic in nature and many key factors like chronic illness and such, personality disorders and the like can dramatically move us towards this. i know, live with all of the above, however reaching out is key, even here to express what is going on is a great step to breaking the cycle. one positive mantra a day for you i would suggest. stinkin' thinkin' as re-educated on by trina is pervasive and must be constantly challenged. keep strong and posting. HT.

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 210
   Posted 8/23/2017 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
NCOT: I am so sorry that you are feeling invisible. Glad you are reaching out here though. smile

NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9766
   Posted 8/24/2017 6:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys. Yesterday was horrible. I walked half an hour to the hospital for my eye appointment, 'cos I thought I wouldn't be able to drive back (in the event I could have done). Walked back from the hospital. Totally shattered. I wasn't in the best frame of mind for the evening autism group, to put it mildly, but I wanted to talk to the leader about something - which I did, but even that felt pointless. Anyway, I was at this group last night, tired out of my mind and still anxious about my eye (because the steroid drops don't seem to be working as quickly or efficiently as before). The exhibitionist was busy being an exhibitionist, naturally - talking at great length about his meltdowns and his coping strategies (even though I've never seen him have one in the group). He's incredibly middle class and articulate, and has been able to make enough money through his businesses to send his daughter to private school. Thus, he obviously needs more time and attention than anyone else in the group. (Sour grapes? Moi?) And despite everyone else in the group having autism, they're apparently all able to socialise as well as neurotypicals do.

To be fair, I know a few of them do have genuine issues, but I feel like I could go to a group consisting entirely of neurotypical people and have exactly the same experience of being left out on the fringes.

I feel a bit better today, but nothing solid: I could plunge into that sh!tty abyss again at any moment. @Myself - I know what you mean about feeling clumsy and unattractive as well - I feel deeply unattractive and unlikeable. I'm not the sort of person who can convince myself I love myself, in fact I don't even particularly want to love myself - just not hate myself would be nice. As for the bit about middle age, I feel you there too. Although I probably feel that particular pain less deeply than most women do, as I was never a raving beauty as a youth and so never had much attention in that way - not that I ever sought it out really. I never wanted to wear make-up or have long hair and still don't: reckon I'd rather have been born a man in all honesty.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm gonna get dressed, brush my teeth and go over to my mum's now... :-/
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7019
   Posted 8/24/2017 9:36 AM (GMT -6)   
NCOT

My Gosh, just this week, TODAY. I am telling myself, you must post yourself to get out and hook up with an acquaintance or two.

I was suppose to hang out with a friend from the support group I left Yesterday, too much head pain, could have taken a nasal spray, forgot all about them. I think I was glad I could not drive. Stayed home and painted and napped.

Invisable is good, no problems to deal with or drama. ON the other hand, isolation.
Isolation brings on SI thoughts and the negative thought loops come and they are hard to stop.

Walking for 10min usually helps me.

I am booked as a vendor at dog rescue fair on 9/17. That responsibility stopped me from committing serious SH last week. Neurologist is changing my med again, weaning off Baclofen then going on TIZANIDINE 2mg at night. Starting Monday

The frustration of changing meds for 10yrs trying to find something to keep my pain level down below a 5 makes me want to hibernate!

Self-compassion truly does help. It is not about being beautiful on the outside, it is about KNOWING the kind and good person you are on the inside.

I can attest to the fact that you have become a point of light in this world.
Try making a list of all the good things you have done in the last sixmonths.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9766
   Posted 8/24/2017 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Trina - I use a nasal spray every night for congestion. I probably developed rebound congestion years ago, but it is the only thing which works :-/

I mostly like my own company, but you can definitely have too much of a good thing. And, yes, it's very hard to stop the negative thoughts once they start up. Duloxetine (generic Cymbalta) knocked them on the head for me for a few months, then they started creeping back. I must admit, I've been off duloxetine for a while and I'm almost tempted to go back on it (regular SSRIs seem to do nothing for me), but I'm gonna wait a while. I would quite like to try Wellbutrin but that's not available as an antidepressant in the UK :-(

At any rate, I hope the new med helps. Chronic pain really does eat into your quality of life; it's miserable.

Thank you anyway!
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)
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