Depressed boyfriend says we have no future, and that he wants to be alone forever

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Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/14/2017 12:20 PM (GMT -6)   
For the past 6 months I've been in a long distance relationship type thing with the man of my dreams. When I met him he was charming, lovely, confident, sweet, everything I could have ever dreamed of. A few months in, we had 'the talk' about what we wanted for the future. We haven't met in person yet, but we planned to do so soon. He was very positive, optimistic, and happy. And I was over the moon.

A week after this talk, he suddenly became very withdrawn and distant. I didn't understand what was happening and thought he might not be interested in me anymore. When I asked him, he eventually opened up to me about his deepest darkest secret - severe anxiety and what he called 'periods of numbness and deadness'. He said it would change everything, but I didn't understand why he was so pessimistic. I myself have anxiety/OCD/Tourettes and other problems and tried to be a positive advocate for MH related things, and didn't think it was a dealbreaker in any way. So I told him, let's just be positive and continue. So we did, for several more months.

He slowly became more and more distant. He never ever ignored me, but I could tell when he was being distant. He would no longer say sweet things, he never complimented me. Some days he would only send me 1 or 2 word replies. Deep down I was always hurt and thought he stopped liking me, I didn't make the connection between his behaviour and his anxiety/MH problems.

In July, he had a big really important event that he had been planning for months. The morning it was supposed to happen, he pulled out and didn't go. I was really shocked because I hadn't realised things were so bad for him. Since then, things haven't been the same. He still always spoke to me, but I could tell things were different.

Yesterday, we had a long talk and he told me that he can't do it. He can never be in a relationship with me, or anyone. It's not something sudden, he said he had been thinking about it for a while. He said that doesn't think there is any hope for us. He told me he is in a constant state of unhappiness, and that when he first approached me 6 months ago he had been having a really 'good' patch and he thought that he had things under control. But he said that slowly he started feeling 'bad' again. And after that incident in July, it was a wake up call for him, and he has reverted back to how he has always been: alone and unhappy.

He always told me that before he met me, he had resigned himself to a life alone but he had a bit of hope that he could meet someone who could changed things for him. Once he met me, he thought I was that someone. But since then, things changed and yesterday he said that he's given up hope. He's tired of looking forward to a possible future where he is 'better', because he doesn't think it will ever happen. He says to be sane he needs to be alone.

I asked him if he thought he had depression, and he said "maybe" but that he didn't really care about labelling it.

Now it's all clear as day to me, that he is depressed. I didn't realise this at the start. It still doesn't bother me and I would be with him in a heartbeat. But one thing that makes everything difficult is that he insists that professional help will never work for him. He doesn't want to take medication, and he says talking doesn't help him. He says the only way he copes is by bottling everything in and not caring. That's how he gets by in life.


Despite all this, he says he cares for me and will always be there for me. He says he doesn't want me out of his life. No one is life knows about his problems except me. He says I'm the one person who knows him best in the world, better than his family and closest friends. He says I'm important to him, and that I've made his life better. But he's made it clear that he never wants a relationship, with anyone. He does say if he could be in a relationship with someone it would be me - but he just can't have anyone close to him. Me, I love him and can't imagine being with anyone else. I could remain friends with him but I would always feel pain knowing we can't be together. What can I do?


Sorry this is so long. Maybe as a TL;DR I'll put:

TL;DR: depressed long distance boyfriend says he can't see a future with me (or anyone) and says he will be alone forever. Will not get help for any of his mental health problems.

Post Edited (Zazzy95) : 9/14/2017 12:23:25 PM (GMT-6)


Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/15/2017 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Can anyone help, I feel like I'm drowning

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41706
   Posted 9/15/2017 6:39 AM (GMT -6)   
On the resource page there is information about this. Go to the top of the page, click on "resources" and you will find it.
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41706
   Posted 9/15/2017 6:43 AM (GMT -6)   
It is about six posts down and says "when a relationship ends".

If he doesn't acknowledge his mental health nor wants to get help. There isn't much you can do. People are responsible for their own mental health.
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/15/2017 7:45 AM (GMT -6)   
getting by said...
It is about six posts down and says "when a relationship ends".

If he doesn't acknowledge his mental health nor wants to get help. There isn't much you can do. People are responsible for their own mental health.


He acknowledges his problems but doesn't think getting help will work for him.

But you're right. Maybe I'm clutching at straws here. I just feel like I can't give up on him, because he is the best person I ever met. I feel like I'm empty, incomplete without him in my life.

But maybe I'm not seeing things clearly. He is my first love, we are both only 21, still students.

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2113
   Posted 9/15/2017 7:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I have depression and anxiety. My partner has depression and O.C.D. I credit her O.C.D. for being the 'thing' that has kept us together for 13 years. That, and the fact that we don't live together!

So, here's the thing. You say you can't give up on him. Are you willing to do one day at a time, with him in the position he has set himself in in your life? Those that can do this are few and far between.

The main difference here is that I have been to therapy and have used medications and am willing to do this again should I slide that far down the rabbit hole. My partner has been to therapy and has used medications and I believe she would be willing to do the same again, if the need arises.

For me, having people feel sorry for me is something I tend to 'feed on'. It convinces me I am 'right'...that I am a miserable mess and deserve pity. They think they're helping, but actually, they're only helping me stay sick.

You sound like you have a lot to offer the right person. I hope you find him.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/15/2017 9:38 AM (GMT -6)   
pitmom said...
I have depression and anxiety. My partner has depression and O.C.D. I credit her O.C.D. for being the 'thing' that has kept us together for 13 years. That, and the fact that we don't live together!

So, here's the thing. You say you can't give up on him. Are you willing to do one day at a time, with him in the position he has set himself in in your life? Those that can do this are few and far between.

The main difference here is that I have been to therapy and have used medications and am willing to do this again should I slide that far down the rabbit hole. My partner has been to therapy and has used medications and I believe she would be willing to do the same again, if the need arises.

For me, having people feel sorry for me is something I tend to 'feed on'. It convinces me I am 'right'...that I am a miserable mess and deserve pity. They think they're helping, but actually, they're only helping me stay sick.

You sound like you have a lot to offer the right person. I hope you find him.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I asked him today if he would ever consider getting professional help. He said "I don't know, maybe in the future from a position of strength".

I asked him about the cycles of depression, and does he accept that the depressive period will end? He agrees that it comes and goes, but it's the fact that "it always comes back" that makes him have no hope.

I'm kind of feeling resigned now. I don't think I'm dealing well with it though. I haven't eaten more than a few bites in 2 days and I feel like I'm in a daze, like I'm in someone else's body when I'm going about my daily life.

This relationship was a secret and no-one knows about what I'm going through, so I'm having to hide my emotions a lot.

I just hope I can get through this if it's not meant to be.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41706
   Posted 9/15/2017 2:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you are having to keep a lot bottled up. That isn't good for us to do. Do you go to any type of therapy where you can talk to somebody? It might not be a bad idea.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He says he will always be there, but doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he means be there as a friend. Can you handle that?

I have to be honest with you though. You haven't met in person. It can take a long time to get to know a person. Especially for who they really are. You have to spend time together, a lot of time. Sometimes months and years. I mean getting to know, not necessarily living together. So you have had a six month relationship though you still have never met.

This could be a blessing in disguise. Maybe it is better to end now??? I am just saying, you never know...

Take some time for you. This is time for self growth. Learn more things about you. Be good to you. I thought you were young, but now I can't find how old. I may be over looking it though. Do you go to school or work? If you are young, take time and think about what you want out of life. Do something you enjoy.

I am sorry about this guy. I don't think he deserves someone like you right now. I would tread lightly with him. Look out for you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Did you look in the Depression Resources for the link I told you about?

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/16/2017 3:24 AM (GMT -6)   
getting by said...
Sounds like you are having to keep a lot bottled up. That isn't good for us to do. Do you go to any type of therapy where you can talk to somebody? It might not be a bad idea.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He says he will always be there, but doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he means be there as a friend. Can you handle that?

I have to be honest with you though. You haven't met in person. It can take a long time to get to know a person. Especially for who they really are. You have to spend time together, a lot of time. Sometimes months and years. I mean getting to know, not necessarily living together. So you have had a six month relationship though you still have never met.

This could be a blessing in disguise. Maybe it is better to end now??? I am just saying, you never know...

Take some time for you. This is time for self growth. Learn more things about you. Be good to you. I thought you were young, but now I can't find how old. I may be over looking it though. Do you go to school or work? If you are young, take time and think about what you want out of life. Do something you enjoy.

I am sorry about this guy. I don't think he deserves someone like you right now. I would tread lightly with him. Look out for you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Did you look in the Depression Resources for the link I told you about?

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Karen. No I have never been to any therapy because I'm scared of that kind of thing lol.

Thanks for your kind words. You're right.

Yesterday him and I went back to talking casually and joking around like we always do. He jokingly talked about how beautiful and attractive I am. It made so happy because he hasn't said that to me in a long time.

I know this probably isn't good for me. I think I'm too dependent on him for my happiness. Because since he started talking to me like normal again, suddenly the pain in my chest lifted and I felt normal.

And yes I am young, I'm 21 and so is he. We both go back to our respective universities in a couple weeks time. Oh and I did read some of depression resources you sent me, yes.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41706
   Posted 9/16/2017 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Work on your studies at University. I am serious, this is the time that you figure things out and what you want to do with life. I didn't take it serious and I think I could of done a lot better in life if I would have.

Depending on someone else for our happiness is not healthy. I really think you should check out counseling or therapy. There is probably free help on campus. There is nothing to be afraid of.

You need to learn to love yourself, count on yourself and depend on yourself for happiness. You can do this. Makes a person much more attractive when they know what they want.

I hope you have a good day today. Happy Weekend!

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Zazzy95
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/20/2017 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone, thanks for all your support and advice on this thread. I've been so much better these past few days compared to how I was when I started this thread.

I realised that the situation was detrimental to me and my own health, so once I realised I had to let it go, stop clinging onto what 'could have been' and look after myself, I felt much better.

As for me and the guy, we are still in contact but we're keeping it brief and lighthearted. We are just friends. Whether it will one day be more, I don't know. For now, I'm happy being me.

Thanks again everyone and I wish you all a very happy Wednesday smile
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