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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/5/2006 9:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, here goes.
I'm glad that I was able to find this support forum online; seems like so many people out there are willing to share experiences, things that help, things that don't, and it's always good to have an outlet for emotions.
So, a little about me :
I am twenty seven years old, will be twenty eight on Saturday (oh boy?) divorced for two years, and am still not over the divorce.
I have been dealing with depression since I was in my early teens, sometimes medicated, more often not. I am currently diagnosed Bipolar-I and am taking Cymbalta, Seroquel and Depakote.
The medication, I believe, is doing all it can at this point.
Right now, the main thing I am having the most trouble dealing with is my divorce. One of the hardest things I had to admit to myself recently was that I am still in love with my ex-wife. A reconciliation, I believe, is completely out of the question. I have contacted her through e-mail and explained how I feel. It's weird, she hasn't shut me down, but she hasn't opened the door, either.
We were together for almost two years before we were married, and married for a year before we were divorced. No children, no mortgage, thank God.
My haunting dilemma now is I wish I would stop loving her, and I wish I could move on with my life.
My occupation as a mobile disc-jockey requires me to be social and tastefully flirtatious with women, some who are interested in dating me. It's so hard to describe, but I feel FROZEN at these moments; it's like my entire personality is sucked away from me and I become this instantaneous blithering moron.
There is a part of me that wants to experience dating again. There is also a part of me that wants to be intimate not only on a physical level but on an emotional level, too; but fear stands in the way.
Anyway, that's all I can think of at the moment. I'm sure I'll be back real soon.
Thanks for listening.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/6/2006 12:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Nate, welcome to the HW family. This is a difficult time for you as I can only imagine. Breaking through the fear barrier no matter what it is can be and is very difficult. I have found with me that the fears I have are usually unfounded or unrealistic. Each time I face my fears, and I do it one at a time, there is a sense of peace I get from knowing that the outcome was usually not as expected. I would not worry about getting intimate with anyone at this time but try and start to meet and befriend people of both sex. Good luck and I hoep you find the answers you are looking for.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 1/7/2006 3:42 PM (GMT -6)   


You know you don't have to stop loving her, you just have to move forward. If you quit associating the two then you will see the future. I know that sounds complicated but here is the long version:

Just because you fall in love with someone and marry them, and it doesn't work out, doesnt mean you have to stop loving them. As we all know there are different forms of love and you should always keep as much love in you as you can (it helps with depresion). Moving forward in your life, be it alone or with someone else is not a bad thing (moving forward and seeing a progression of you life will also help minimize your depression).


The best thing anyone an do for themselves is grab a pen and a piece of paper, make two colums, one for GOOD and one for BAD. Fill the colums with the things in your life that are good and bad, include everything. Then walk away. When you think things are so awful look at that list and see what can be moved to the opposite colum and you will see that sometimes the things we get depressed over are the mole hills that we have made into mountains.

Everyone is depressed in some way. It's how you see your life and how you approach the problems. You all might be saying , yeah its easy for her to say, but the reality is we are all screwed up. My son died 10 months ago, and he was only 19. This was my only son, and all i have left is my daughter. I lost 5 months of my life because of his death and my depression. One day I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and thought " what in the heck am I doing?" I have my daughter (GOOD) my husband (GOOD -even though he is my second husband) my house (GOOD) the rest of my family (GOOD) and the list went on and on and on. Then I looked at the BAD and I saw, my son's death, but the GOOD part is at least I had 19 years with him, at least I know what he did for those 19 years and then all the GOOD he did in that short 19 years. Oh My GOD!!! I have to move forward...and I did, I got a new job, I fought the depression and made an effort to make GOOD and ignore BAD.

The key, as hard as it is and as much as we dont want to, we have to MAKE AN EFFORT.....

Nate, what you are feeling is NORMAL, but dont stop living, dont stop being yourself, its OK to move forward and its ok to be happy and its OK to remember all the great/fun times you had with your ex, but MOVE FORWARD, its only one step at a time.




Hug Your Children Everyday, and Tell Them That You Love Them
In Memory of My Son:
Michael Joesph Palazzolo
April 19, 1985 - Feburary 24, 2005

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 217
   Posted 1/11/2006 2:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nate, and welcome!
I'm glad you chose to post here.
Getting over your divorce will take time; as much time as it needs to take. Don't berate yourself or try to give yourself a timeline. So it's been 2 years... okay. That's what you are needing, so that's what it is for now.
You talk about still loving your ex-wife and you talk about wanting to date and you talk about not allowing yourself to have it (by freezing up).  Is that all connected I wonder? Do you still love your ex-wife because that's where your intimacy was for so long. Is it actually wanting intimacy for yourself that you are feeling, but attaching that to your ex-wife because that's where that need was met for so long? So, you still want it, but now you have to do something new and different to have it. Maybe that's the roadblock: the fear of dating again; or the feeling of still loving your ex-wife making the thought of dating/flirting seem like cheating on her?
I think you have to allow yourself to still have feelings for your ex-wife AND allow yourself the right to flirt and begin dating/making friends again in spite of those feelings. Stay in the present which is that you are now divorced, not involved with your ex-wife, still care for her, and have the need to have new people in your life. 
I hope that makes some sense!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/11/2006 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nate,  I was reading your post and it sounded just like my life..... I am 32 now, was with my husband for 7 years before we got married.  We were married for 4 yrs and now divorced.  The thing is that I have multiple sclerosis and my ex couldn't deal with the fact that I was sick and had to take medications that me sick and I also had a demanding job at the time that took a lot of attention away from him.  I also have major depression and take medication for this.  At the time so much was going on I felt mentally unstable and unsure of myself.  I decided to move out and separate for a while to give us a little breathing room and he filed for divorce to make me come back.  He had a lot of resentment and anger toward me for leaving, and couldn't understand why I left.  Anyway, I still love him just not the same as I did before, but we e-mail each other often and tell each other that we love one other.  I know that this just makes it harder to move on and let go.  We never did have children either together, he has two from a previous marriage.  I don't date or go out, I almost feel like damaged goods.  When I go to the store or where ever I will see a couples together and sometimes wonder if I didn't make a big mistake, no matter how unhappy I was, maybe I am meant to be alone.  I don't think you ever stop loving the person it just changes and turns into something different, hopefully something manageable.  ~elisha

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 1/13/2006 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nate,
 I am usually quiet here, and dont try to give advice,... but for some reason I felt like i had a different opinion and wanted to shaer.  I was wondering if what you are feeling is really" fear of failing".  ( I Have been there).
 The reason why this popped into my mind, was because you said you get nervous now around women, and become a blithering somehting or other.  confused  
 I wonder if you have really lost your self confidence.  Maybe I am way off.
 But if there is any chance of reconsiliation with your x, than you have to make darn sure it's what u really want, and you and she will probably need counseling to fix whatever led to the divorce in the first place.  Can't just shove things under the rug,... cuz they'll keep coming up.  ( I know only to well). 
 Well anyway Nate,... hope you feel better soon.
 Take Care !!
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.
DX: Crohns/Colitis,Acid reflux, Endometriosis, Adenamyosis, Depression/Anxiety.

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