Wow mowkitty, how wouldn't someone feel the affects, after going through all that.
Like Nanse said, you have an awful lot to handle right now and losing your only birth child, and not really have the time to really grieve that, because of older children, etc to care for is hard enough. Then having a child you so beautifully adopted, try to kill you and now he's gone. And now a sick Mom 24/7 and no family support from your own siblings .... my goodness, who wouldn't be feeling anxious or depressed ?
Somewhere in there, you must be a very big hearted lady to adopt and then take care of your Mom, and somewhere in there, you're a lot stronger than a lot of woman or even a man.
I pray you can draw on that strength, that you can't see in yourself right now and hang tight here.
You had the intelligence to come to a Forum like this and speak up for yourself.... Bravo !
That's a great beginning.
There's a lot of false-unwarranted guilt that goes along with some of what you've experienced also. I pray you can see, that you have not one reason on earth to ever feel guilty for anything that's come your way. But they say that's a normal reaction of most of us, when things go wrong with those around us or if we feel we didn't do enough of this or that to somehow 'prevent' what happened, etc. etc.. But it's not justified guilt. You're a precious lady for all you've done for these children and mom and I'm sure many others along the way.
We need more people like you on this earth ... so please stick around here for the rest of us who need to see good hearted folks like you.
Do you have a good counselor to talk to ? I found that some Churches have licensed counselors, that cost much less or nothing and won't talk about religion unless you don't mind to. In order to be licensed, they have to be educated enough, etc.
The people here are very sympathetic. I'm sort of new here too, but it has helped me to talk with understanding folks.
Hang in there for us.
Hugs to you.