My daughter is depressed and cutting herself

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Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 1/26/2006 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I am usually on the lupus forum, and haven't even been on for a long time, so much stuff going on here.  I have just been rudely awakened by finding out that my daughter is depressed and cutting herself.  I knew her friend was doing this, she shared information with me, and we did research on the internet about cutting and how to help a friend who cuts and she looked me straight in the eye and said she doesn't get how anyone could do this.  Well, the "official" word seems to be self injury, and i get how people can do that, i've been dealing with depression for a long time, on and off different meds, right now just trying to deal with the lupus and fibro factor.
Anyway, I found out through the computer that my 12 year old daughter was in a relationship with a 14 year old boy and she is not allowed to date.  She has also been grounded due to her grades (d's and f's) for a long time, so she isn't supposed to use the phone or computer, but she has been all along, so when she cries to me that she has nothing, can't see her friends, can't talk to them, can't be on the computer with them, well, that's not true because she has been stealing her time.
Now I feel like i have to be careful with evreything i say and do because what if she goes into her room into that dead mode feeling and starts cutting herself, or waits until hubby and i are asleep?
I feel so outraged.  I am a stay at home Mom and i didn't see this coming, I trusted my daughter to be telling me the truth.  I knew she was using the phone late at night and early in the morning, and i would collect the phones and i thought she had stopped, but she hasn't.  This boy is everything to her and he makes her feel better, but evidently not enough or she wouldn't be cutting herself.  She's been doing this for two weeks now.
This morning she used the phone to call the friend who does cut herself that she told me about, and she must have had the phone all night because there was little battery left.  I want to punish her for that, but i am afraid.
I have a call in to a counselor, waiting for an appt time.  I am just at my end.
I am going to search for an online support group for mother's who have kids who cut themselves.
This all came to a head on Tuesday  night, yesterday she came home from school all happy because everything was out in the open, and it is, but yet she isn't following the rules that say no boyfriend and no phone.
I could just scream.
My own therapist has closed his practice, I did get to chat with him on the phone, but that's all, I am afraid to leave (midterm and finals, funky school schedule) because i want to be here for my kids.
Does anyone know anything about this type of thing?  I mean, I did the research on cutting with my daughter for her friend, I read it all, I am doing all I can, but I still feel lost.  And how do I enforce the rules without being afraid that she will cut herself?
Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


paper
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 293
   Posted 1/26/2006 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, my goodness, Mary-Anne. I am so sorry. I do not have any advice other than to get her help quickly. You are a caring mother. God bless and I will pray for you.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/26/2006 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Mary-Anne,  I first wanted to say that I am so sorry your daughter and for you that your family has to go through this.  I have worked in the mental health field for many years and have seen this in adults seeking attention.  I have not treated children and am not a physician.  But felt compelled to respond to your post.  As you stated you have done your homework on her "cutting" so you should know that punishment is not going to work to make this behavior stop.  According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website: 

Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their parents' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted. Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts. These children may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults. Some young children may resort to self-injurious acts from time to time but often grow out of it. Children with mental retardation and/or autism may also show these behaviors which may persist into adulthood. Children who have been abused or abandoned may self-mutilate.

I think that counseling is in excellent idea for you and for her and going together probably wouldn't hurt either.  It is entirely possible that she may be doing this because she is acting out do the the restrictions put on her or that her friend has been cutting herself and she feels that it may be the popular thing to do.  Or she could have a real problem here which if she is hurting herself it has progressed drastically and it is entirely possible.  Whatever the reason for it, is it is important to remember that is your daughter that is going through this and she needs the support and attention.

I hope that everything gets better for you real soon, please keep us updated on how she is doing. 

~elisha 


hposi03
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 1/26/2006 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mary-Anne. I'm not sure I have anything to help you, but I am 20 yrs old and I have been self-mutilating for about 4 years now so I felt like maybe I can give you some help. I know it is hard to understand people that do this kind of thing. But your daughter must have a reason for cutting, whether it is justified or not she is still cutting for a reason. The way you explain it it doesn't seem to be that she's so incredibly depressed. It really seems like she's rebelling against you because she was grounded, or like els said she could only be doing it because a friend was doing it. How did you find out that she cut?

Don't let her manipulate you whatever you do. If she is doing it because she is trying to get and you and your hubby, nip it in the bud. Going to counseling and asking for help is a good step on your part. Do NOT blame yourself for not knowing because people who cut are VERY good at hiding it. Counseling would definitely be a good thing for her and maybe mother and daughter counseling a little later would be good too. Everything in moderation.

I hope everything get's better for you Mary-Anne. Keep your spirits up, she's only 12 and still has a lot of learning to do. Keep guiding her in the right direction and getting her help. Your a wonderful mom!
Bekah


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/26/2006 9:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Maryann
I have never dealt with this type of thing. But my son has bipolar.
Telling him that if we didn't have an episode for a week,then he would be able to have one of his privilages back really seemed to work.
Maybe this will work for you?
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 1/26/2006 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks so much for all the replies - wow - I had to come to the site to see, it didn't come to my inbox to let me know.

It's hard not to blame myself, I have to get over that.  Thanks, Bekah, for being so honest with  me.  you make sense in what you say, I have to really think about this and what is going to work.  right now she is spending a lot of time in her room, she's been journaling, i think that is a good outlet.

I realize this is going to be a long process, today i think it all hit me, I've been crying all day, i feel like a prune.  but i think it's a good healthy cry, I was in shock, and now i know that i, too, FEEL, and can move forward with her.  We'll go one moment at a time.

i am curious about the comment about doing this maybe because of her friend...that is such a sad situation...i have wondered though...i am so anxiously waiting for that phone call that gives me an appt time to look forward too.  I know the answers won't come over night, but I just need some frame of reference, I have none.

I found out about this on Tuesday, like i wrote.  i have her screen name and password to check out her myspace page to make sure it is appropriate, but things had gotten heated and girls have been downright mean, that my hubby and i decided that at 12, she couldn't handle it, so it would be deleted, but first i wanted to read it.  She knew i was doing that (her friend that cuts too said she had written something long and emotional to her and she wanted to read that - me too) and through that, i found out that the friend is deep in to this, and that my daughter was dating this boy we had forbid her to (she is 12) and she was calling him late at night and early in the morning, it was all there in black and white - i told my daughter that i was very angry and that she needed to go to her room because i didnt' know what to say right away, but that she wasn't going to sit next to me as i read the messages on her board.  she left in silence and my older son (15) ran after her and his buddy said it's time to tell your mother... and that was how i found out.  i was in shock.  I went to the phone to call my hubby and went out in the car to call my former therapist because i didn't know how to breathe.  i thought my daughter might have to be hospitalized, I didn't know when it would be to that point, i didn't know how to tell how bad it was or anything.  All the info I read was FOR someone else, not for ME dealing with my daughter.  it was like i had to read it all again because this time it was happening to me and it was my daughter. 

My son got a bit reemed, he should have told me as soon as he found out, i have always told them to be each other's keeper, if one of them is doing something hurtful, tell, (I have 3 kids, 15, 12 and 9, b, g, b).  he said he thought she would quit, because she promised him she wouldn't do it anymore, but one look at her arm, her left arm, from under the main vein on the inner elbow to her wrist, are slits, not deep cuts, some just white lines, some mottled scabs.  I don't think I'll ever forget what it looked like to see her arm, and i wanted to cry, but she wouldn't let me touch her.

Today she seems okay, i don't think she realizes what she has done, i think she thinks because it's out in the open that it's over, but this is just the beginning, this isn't something to hope just goes away.

anyway, before i write a book, i will end here.  thank you all for all your thoughts, and any and all prayers are welcome and appreciated and needed!


Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


hposi03
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 1/26/2006 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Your right Mary-Anne, it is just the beginning. She's not going to let her touch you, and that's ok. It's something people like to hide, its embarassing. I know that my mom will be like, Bekah lift up your sleeves now! So she can see whether or not I have any new cuts. It's embarssing and will make her feel awkward. Then again, if you just ask...she'll lie like she did to her brother. Being that she's only 12 she probably doesn't realize what she's done. Unless something in her life traumatized her to the point where she cut, I would definitely say it has to do with her friend or just rebelling. Just my opinion though, when she goes to counseling maybe she can just sort out her thoughts.

Keep your spirits up, and keep encouraging her and supporting her. Things will get better, she just might need to be guided in the right direction. She's only 12, there is so much more to life. You are definitely in my prayers and remember that it's not your fault, and that you are doing a wonderful job by just seeking help for her and giving her support! *hugs*
Bekah


irene17
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/27/2006 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi... I don't really know what to advise you, but I used to cut myself and my mom knew and her asking me stuff like where I cut myself, how come she couldn't see blood in my bed, stupid things like that just got me very angry. Your daughter needs her space and I think that the way you're punishing her so much is not going to help... She's only 12, that's really young, and that's not a good age for having a boyfriend but I think you should meet the boy and see if he's good or if he's really not good for her. Tell her that if she improves her grades she will get the phone and the computer; make her work for all of that, but don't just make it impossible for her to talk to other people or don't give all those things to her just for the fear of her cutting herself again. I think that it would be good if she earned for it by improving her grades a little. I hope I helped a bit.

Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 1/30/2006 10:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Again, thank you so much for your words of experience for me.  I am really trying to work this through, trying to stay in the moment and not lost in everything.  I am glad Thursday is over!  But I think it was very good for me to get it all out, I had to cry adn grieve and be sad that this is going on when i've tried so hard as a stay at home mom to be there for my  kids.  my own guilt and issues gets in the way for me.

I agree about Gaby being able to earn her priviledges back, but I can't go back on my word about the boy, or dating in general.  We are trying to follow the courtship method with our kids, and for my oldest son (15) it seems to be working, and that's more the reason why i don't want her dating.  At 12, I think she can know boys at school and they can get together outside (when she earns that priviledge back) but not a one on one.  As an observer, she can see the qualities thta she likes, but I think it's too early to zone in on one boy and see how that goes?  I might be wrong in this, but it's where i am at right now.  I do have an open mind, I'd like to think so anyway.

I think she is still talking with this boy on the phone anyway - if he makes her feel so good, why is she still cutting herself?  And this girl that she is friends with who does cut and her mother and the school are in the know...I wonder if she brings Gaby down because it's a one-sided friendship?  I see Gaby get off the phone with her (I give her limited use, like 15 minutes, when she asks) and she is so sad.  I really will be glad when the appt comes through (I am calling TODAY, can't wait any longer) and Gaby has an objective party to hear her.

This weekend hubby and i went out and we left her with my mother, I didn't think that my son should have to concerned with all that is going on with her anymore, too big for him, too adult for him, we need not rush thigns.  So she was with my mother, which at first she objected to, saying she didn't need to be watched, but then i told her that i felt she did and she needed to make the best of it, or not, her choice.  She did enjoy herself, my mom was trying really hard to keep her spirits up.  I don't know if we should try so hard, i don't know what to do, but i am glad the weekend went well.

Gaby has come home from school very happy except for Friday when she said she was a loser, none of her friends invite her to do anything anymore, and she'd like to be asked.  I guess that would be them tired of hearing no because of her grades.  I am hoping that she changes that, report cards are this weekend.

I don't know, i am trying all that i know, listening to everything i hear and trying to be as gentle as a dove and as wise as a serpent (do i have that verse correct?).  it's not easy, and I know it's hard on the person doing the hurtful things to themselves, but it's so hard on this end too, wanting to make everything better, and feeling so helpless.

Anyway, have to run off to an appt (My own psych appt) andi i am asking for a recommendation from him for a child psych., i figure it will go hand in hand with therapy and the psych can judge just how deep this issue goes.  She showed me her arm this morning and it is healing nicely, looks like she hasn't cut since we found out last Tuesday?  All my fears aren't gone yet though, so i thought this might help.  we shall see.

thanks everyone, your support and sharing your experiences is really helping me, I am my own worst critic and hearing your words helps keep me off my own ledge, so to speak...

 


Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 2/1/2006 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   

I just wanted to give a quick update -  my daughter has a psych evaluation next Friday...I don't know if she needs meds or not, and i don't even know what meds they give to 12 year olds?  Does anyone know where i can find out this kind of information or anyone that has tried and what works and what is not good?  I have tried every anti-dep out there except for prozac and zoloft, and i know which ones i'd stay away from (I am not a fan of paxil, very horrific experience coming off of it) and wellbutrin makes me jittery.  I have anxiety, severe right now probably due to all the stress with this, but the psych guy is aware and i am under care.

i have called the clinical social worker that is in this area that takes my insurance...but she hasn't called me back yet.  how long is a reasonable amount of time to wait?  she is a christian, i thought that would be important, but i am stumped because i haven't even gotten a return phone call and it's been an entire week.  i don't know if i should keep waiting or start looking again?  i am disappointed.  iwth her being nearby, it would help tremendously when the family therapy comes into play, my hubby won't have such a commute, and i did like her voice on the voice mail when i left my message, but i am sad that i haven't heard back from her.

i, myself, really need some guidance on how to handle what is going on.  Gaby did tell me that she ended it with the boy she was seeing, told him she needed to work on herself and her family and that if things were really meant to be with him, he'll be around when she's ready to date.  i told her i wouldn't put an age restriction on her after she was 14, she could date then but i would want to know the guy and have him over here, and supervised.  i can't force my kids to do courtship if it isn't what they want to do, but i can let them know my feelings about it.  i think Gaby has seen with all the drama her friends are going through that it would be a good idea to wait, her friends are in over their heads, there are girls having sex at the age of 12.  well, I remember when i was 12 and i thought i was pretty wise myself, but now i know better.  i hope Gaby is taking this time to work on what needs fixing in her life, concentrate on her grades (she is still bringing home D's and she CAN do better).

i struggle with whether her teachers should know what she is going through?  one of my friends said i should call the school and tell the school counselor and her teachers, but i haven't yet because i am not sure if that is good advice?

i don't know what else there is to do?


Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


Sasha1234
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/3/2006 12:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm 19 years old and have had more health problems than I can count. Needless to say I've had to face some things that most people never have to even think about their whole lives. I was going through a really rough patch with my health when I was 12 and was depressed. I wasn't actually cutting myself but I was finding other ways of inflicting pain. Like Bekah said, it's a very secretive thing. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I still didn't want anyone else to know it. My parents were very aware of the hell that I was going through and were very supportive. They got me counselling and I was put on medication when I was 13. (Celexa - my doctor chose it because she said that it didn't cause wait gain and as a 13 year old girl i didn't want to add that to my list of problems, and it was also an easy drug to go off of, so without the bad side effects) I was on it for about 2 years and it really helped. I still had bad days but the black hole was no longer as deep. I also learned to laugh again and I started to see the reasons for being alive. Things started to get rough again about two years ago and this time the celexa no longer worked so I went on Effexor.
 
Also, I agree with some of the other people about the privileges. I was hospitalized for one of my health problems this summer and have had a really slow recovery this fall and now into this new year, consequently my social life has virtually stopped. Through no fault of my own, I am not able to go out and enjoy the things most 19 year olds can. While some of my friends have stuck around others have gone on about their lives knowing I guess that when I'm back healthy they'll be able to pick up with me again -- in the mean time this does me no good. Whatever is going on with your daughter she needs friends. And while maybe you don't approve of all her friends keeping her away from life is not going to do her any favours. No matter what she's going through, if she feels like she's alone in the world and that her friends have stopped asking her to do stuff she might start to feel like no one cares about her, and you don't want that. I had and have some friends who were cutters when they were younger and their parents handled it in different ways. Some parents did as you are doing and took away everything. They punished them for their bad marks, dissaproved of their friends and their "life choices"... while others looked at it all as a cry for helped and supported them, knowing that they wanted to protect them but that the mroe you say no to kids the more they want to do it.  I know from my own experience that when I acted out I already felt like the world was closing in on me and I was suffocating and if anyone imposed any other restrictions on top of that I'd fight back - and usually not to them but at myself.
 
Get yourself some counselling so you know how to help her, and how to support her. Get her someone to talk to who as you said is objective. You're doing the right things, so try not to beat yourself up. And also remember that what worked for your son might not work for your daughter. Each kid is different and giving them different rules may be hard for you but the best thing for the kids. It sounds to me like your oldest son is a good kid and loves his sister so he will understand if you do things differently with her.
 
Anyway hope I have shed a little light on a dark issue.

sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 2/3/2006 3:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Mary-Anne long tie know see, I uely postin lupie forum too, as you know muy sonis bipolay adhd, and daighter is evrythign undr the son read my bio. I went thru the cutting phase and unlikeyour daughters case it wasnt rebelion., for me it was depression, I was blumic, my mother was 400 pound i went down to 79, for fear of being obese, and now i stillweight too much but no more cutting, or bulimia, but still deprssion. be very care ful when if putting daughter on anti deprsssnt with out a mood stabilzer , it can cause maina, just my expetience with my kids, you may want to share your story in Bipolar Forum they will agree with me, if she is bipolar she cannot be on an anti depressant alone, will casue mania, and worde problms then you alread have antidepressants in a biploar person must be taken with a modd stabilzer, what kind is up to her doc, my kids are on depakote for mood stablizers, there arre newer genrations ones, tht may wrok just as well, but they didnt for my kids, and the cost too much, but everyone is different, there is the sroquel, as I belive you take that if I amnot mistken, she may need that too, bit make is a different dosage and for a different reason, it to is a mood stabilzier, just be very cautious of puting her on an anti depressant without a mood stablizer talk with doc. I cut becouse i wanted to eave reminders to my self not too over eat, hey i was 14 thru 17 years ole this was 20 yr ago, I can share now, if it helps someone else. Also I disovevered the pain of cutting would doen out the pain of derpression, i woul have preferred to be in physical pain at that time the depression, i never let anyone one knnow about it or the bulimia, so it wasnt an attetion seeking thng it was a personal thing. Even today whne i am derpesses, wihch is often, if i trip or stub a toe, it sure gets me over the depression, and sickly enough i prefer the pain of th stubbed toe then the deprssion( of not intentionally, Ihave come a long way in 20 yrs, but physcial pain is more tolerable the depression, just gving you anther veiw point on the cutting. ood luck Mary-Anne..Love..Sheryl
-Love-Sheryl-"God plz grant me the courage to change what I can & cannot change & the wisdom to know the difference Rx Neurotin=300mg PMlowbackpain,sleep,nerves. Prozac=40mgsDepression,Valium=5mgsPRNanxiety,Norco 325 and Tyelenol,lowback pain, Atarax25mg=IC,sleep,pain. Hypermobile,Fibrolikely, Protopic=Ezcema, Vicks=ChronicBronchitis PT=back,PFD.Have endoscar tissue,fatigue.. Haveboy11,ADHD,Bipolar.Girl6Bipolar,OCD,HFA,Anxiety, ADHD,Tourettes. HisRx500mgDepakoteAM,PM, Celexa10mgAM.HerRx 10mgBusparAM,PM.250mgDepekeneAM,PM.10mgCelexaAM5,PM.AcidophilisAM,PM bowels,yeast infections. HW best support I've seen. To help HW help others: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/    http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67113.htm : Informative site on disorders that frequently occur with ADHD/ADD....


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 2/3/2006 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the sharing again - there are so many sides to consider in this whole experience, I really don't know which end is up right now. I did make an appt for my daughter with the psych. for next Friday and she meets with the social worker on Monday. I was able to talk with the social worker a bit, ask her how she did things, and what i should be doing or not doing in the meantime. I am good with the alternative to cutting - Gaby and I came up with plucking the eyebrows - it hurts, and it's productive, and they look great right now. The lady said it was good that i didn't forbid Gaby to go there, but to allow her, and give her an alternative. geez, i thought that one up on my own... I am just glad it fell in the good thing to do column, so much doesn't. This is such a hard place to be. i get how my daughter is feeling, i know the pain of depression and lonliness and feeling like a loser, it's just that i am an adult and supposed to have it together, especially when it comes to helping your own kids, it's hard to have your own issues and deal with kid issues too. in our first talk, gaby walked all over my issues, blaming me and accusing me and a world of hurting stuff, it was hard to hold on to me and come back and remind myself I was the mother and I am allowed to tell her what to do, to have family rules and boundaries and be the one to say life isn't fair, and fair is never equal... I don't mean to sound rude or non feeling here - I am - more than anyone could probably realize from my writing, but I am also the mother here, I get that Gaby is hurting and I hate to see it, but i can't let it dictate what I do or don't do, or change the rules that she herself has lived by because this year sucks. I would love to make things easier for her, this is my child, i had placenta previa with her, I was on bedrest for 6 months, had to give my oldest to someone else to care for because i couldn't care for a toddler, stayed in bed or in the hospital bleeding most of the time, she was delivered 7 weeks early because the placenta tore at my cervix (I was dialating already) and she went to NICU, she was so tiny... I would have gladly traded places with her to ensure her survival then, and i did everything the doctors told me to bring her to life, and I'd take that pain and have it myself now if it was possible. But I can't. thats the sucky thing with being a parent, you can't take your child's pain away, you have to stand by and watch them live through it, hope you are doing all you can and remain the firm foundation because that's what they need you to be. To be less than this, would be disservice to my daughter. But i hate it, because it pains me more than she could know right now, but when she has a child of her own, she'll understand - oh and I hated that when my mother said it to me, but it's true. parents hurt when their kids hurt, or at least this one does.
Gaby has permission to chat with her friends when she asks for the phone, and she has a time limit, and i am not a gestapo with a watch making sure she obeys, it's honor I want her to learn. Her friends can come here, but she can't go there (the brother of the girl that cuts is into ****, how can i let her into that house? how do i know this? i picked up the phone to make a call and she was on and talking with him. i calmly hung up the phone and went to her and told her to do the same and then told her my thoughts on ****ography, do you know how scary that is?) The family of her best friend, that cuts herself, where the relationship is very one sided - barbara is very needy and Gaby is trying to be there for her, but she is realizing the truth of this relationship. i explained yesterday that some friendships are like that, soem people don't know how to give of themselves, and we are there for them because we know how, but we can't take on their burdens as if they were our own. i am 39 and trying to learn and live that, i hope to give my daughter the benefit of my experience and maybe one day she'll get it. She continues to be true to Barbara and i respect that, even though i dont like it. I don't like most of her friends, but i have never denied her be friends with any of them but one (good cause and mom's intuitition was LOUD and CLEAR and she showed her true colors and hurt Gaby, terribly). She isn't allowed over here ( she would come over, walk in the house, go to Gaby's room and yell for Gaby to join her, no hello to me or anyone, and then she would leave, no good bye...when i mentioned that to gaby, then she would find me and how she said hello would make anyone's skin crawl, it was SOO disrepectful.) That girl has moved on, i guess she found she had no use for Gaby, it hurt to watch, but not to see this girl go, and it was good to see my daughter see this and get it and walk away tall.
I am trying very hard to be open minded and not cut her off from the world, though i will admit that as her mother, my first instinct is to wisk her away from all this pain and put her somewhere safe, but since that's not logical, I can't do that.
Honestly, I think she's realizing she didn't chose the best kind of people to be her close friends, and that's what is going on here, I thnk these girls are causing her pain, and the boys too, not because I said no to dating, but because she has morals and values and these kids cross the line and it isnt' what Gaby wants to do. i believe to have these values and admit them in today's society is a hard thing. Both my kids wear the promise ring (to save themselves for marriage). They did this on their own, i simply provided the ring when asked. They wear it proudly, but it costs them and sometimes it's off their finger, and I dont 'complain, because I know it's what is in their heart that matters most.
Am i making sense here? I don tmean to cut Gaby off from the world, I think it's them saying we don't like the rules you live by. Would my duaghter like to change some of them, I am absolutely certain she would - but where does a D get you in today's world? If only they would grade for her cute outfits everyday, it would help a lot. She has a gift there, and in high school she can build on that gift with her electives, she is looking forward to that, but she has to get there first... and having a boyfriend? we already learned that it was harder than she thought, he wanted too much from her, he's older, he's a guy, that's how guys think (most of them, I do believe in exceptions, I'd like to think my older son is one of them). She couldn't give him what he wanted, not because i told her no, but because it was something she didn't want to do. That caused pain in school because he let his mouth run with lies... Personally, I wish i could go find this boy and bring him inside by the ear and tell him a thing or two, but that wouldn't be good in today's society, i'd probably go to jail...yet it's okay for him to trash my duaghter's reputatin because she didn't put out? ahhh! it's a parent's nightmare! He made her feel special because he thought he'd get something in return, he didn't, and now he is gone, they have nothing to say to each other. it breaks my heart, and yet i am glad, but to learn this hard lesson at 12? it's why i'd rather her not date. it isn't forbidden though, she did it anyway, and she will again if another guy comes along that catches her interest, i am sure. my job is to give her the right tools to learn how to hold onto herself...things i never learned in time, that's for certain.
so maybe this lady will help, both of us, this is a long term counseling thing, with family counseling involved and highly encouraged. i think it will help all of us learn to communicate better, help her dad be more accessible (he is very black and white, very military) help me not be so anxious at every turn. it's still scary though.
thanks for words about the meds, that helps...a mood stabilizer...Sheryl...how did you make the connection from an anti-depressant to mood stabilizer too and mania? i am curious, you live this, what did you see that i havent seen?
Sasha, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I did not mean to pounce all over it, I was just trying to give the view of being mom here, though i can relate to what you are going through, i've been there, i know this pain, i understand that black hole and sometimes its right beside me, wide open, waiting for me to jump on in.
Gaby does not know i don't like her friends (except that one), just for the record. i've shared that here where it is safe, not with her, because i agree with you 100%, it will make her want it all the more. to take everything away, to pull a "dr. phil' would be catestrophic in my opinion. She has her room with all a 12 year old girl could want, she doesn't have an active social life right now because D's are not allowed, I'd be okay with a C from her (though Nic is different, and a C wouldn't be good from him). Gaby has tenacity (clearly, or she wouldn't be here today, fighting her little self through all the preemie issues, always been in a rush...) and i can't lower my standards because she needs a social life. She n eeds an outlet, certainly, there is the phone, no more computer (it was way too messy, way too ugly what little girls say about each other, it hurt her more than i think i know, but I can imagine) and her friends can come here, she is involved in the youth group at church, i haven't taken that away. Just Saturday night skating...it's the cost of the D's (that would be plural) on the report card.
alrighty, no more justifying my own actions here for me, i am the mom, the pay sucks but the job is worthwhile in the end, or so they tell me, i've had soem awesome moments, so i will stick it out LOL like i have a choice! i love my babies, please know that.
thank you guys, all of you, for everything you have shared, it helps so much to come here and to read what you all think, all of it, because it gives me some frame of reference and i truly to appreciate it. please don't stop sharing, you guys are part of the knot in my rope right now, helping me sort out what to keep and what to chuck...
Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


hposi03
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 2/3/2006 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Mary-Anne,
 
I just wanted to say that your doing a WONDERFUL job and don't think you aren't.  You are being a very supportive mother and you love your daughter and want the best for her, and I can see that in your posts.  Don't back down and take away rules that you want set.  Those rules are there and you are the parent and choose those rules...make her abide by them.  As far as D's in school, your right...that is unacceptable at 12 yrs old and she should have consequences for that.  Most every kid would!  I think being involved in a church youth group is really good for a girl her age too.  It's a good environment where she can make friends.  Anyways, I jsut really want to tell you to keep up what your doing and stay strong.  Your support will make all the difference to her!  *hugs*
 
Oh, and don't forget to take care of YOU
 


Bekah


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 2/3/2006 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Bekah
****hug*****
Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 2/5/2006 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Mary-Anne I hope allworks out woth Gabby, and you, I feel for ya. Kara6 picks at her slef til she bleeds,and know better, it a hard boat to ride. May Gid be be with you and your family...
-Love-Sheryl-"God plz grant me the courage to change what I can & cannot change & the wisdom to know the difference Rx Neurotin=300mg PMlowbackpain,sleep,nerves. Prozac=40mgsDepression,Valium=5mgsPRNanxiety,Norco 325 and Tyelenol,lowback pain, Atarax25mg=IC,sleep,pain. Hypermobile,Fibrolikely, Protopic=Ezcema, Vicks=ChronicBronchitis PT=back,PFD.Have endoscar tissue,fatigue.. Haveboy11,ADHD,Bipolar.Girl6Bipolar,OCD,HFA,Anxiety, ADHD,Tourettes. HisRx500mgDepakoteAM,PM, Celexa10mgAM.HerRx 10mgBusparAM,PM.250mgDepekeneAM,PM.10mgCelexaAM5,PM.AcidophilisAM,PM bowels,yeast infections. HW best support I've seen. To help HW help others: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/    http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67113.htm : Informative site on disorders that frequently occur with ADHD/ADD....


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 2/6/2006 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, today is the big day that I take my daughter out of school and meet with the social worker. I hope this is all I need it to be, and all Gaby needs it to be. I realize we didn't get this way overnight, so the answers aren't going to come in one session, but I sure will be glad to have someone professional help me be pointed in the right direction.
I'll post later on how everything turns out.
I spoke with the school counselor to make them aware of what I learned by reading my daughter's my space page and all the gang stuff that is out there on the web, it isn't on her page, but some of the people that post, you can check their pages out, and it's all there plain as day.
The school is aware, they have a deputy on it (that's good to know) and it will be an article in this month's bulletin from school.
so much stuff going on for a 12 year old, so much more stuff to be aware of now that I spoke with the counselor about how Gaby works the sytem at school. this is not the girl I raised, I don't knwo where it all went wrong.
My 2 oldest would like to go to the Acquire the Fire seminar this weekend, I think I'll find the money for that, more God stuff, more to keep them covered and know where thier protection comes from, and prayerfully to think better of themselves and be a bit more choosier when making friends, knowing what is good for them and what isn't. wE shall see.
Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


Mary-Anne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 508
   Posted 2/7/2006 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to give an update that yesterday's session went very well. Gaby seemed to really hit it off with this lady and is looking forwrad to her next session, she didn't want yesterday's to end, she just wanted to keep talking it all out. She was very verbal and got comfortable within the first few minutes and was able to communicate her feelings and I was glad about that. We were together the entire session.
The one thing the counselore was concerned about was Gaby's friend that cuts herself and her mother knowing and getting the girl some help. I don't know how to go about that just yet, I need to pray on it.
Friday is the appt with the psychiatrist, the next hurdle, but I think things went well yesterday, they should go well Friday. Perhaps there is no need, though I get concerned when I watch my daughter's expressions change and it seesm to affect her whole mood and change the direction of how things were going. I just right now have no frame of reference for whether that is typical teenager behavior or something to be concerned about. One little thing can ruin her day, and she has a hard time pulling herself out of that place she goes to.
Gaby said she hasn't cut herself since she knew that I knew. I pray this is the truth! The counselor sees potential, and thinks talk therapy will be good for her.
Gaby was very clingy with me yesterday, very clingy, I kind of felt smothered because it is unusual for her, I don't know what that is about.
There was a lot of discussion about the boy she likes and how she thinks he is "the one" and that she might be wrong, but she really wants to see where it goes and if I could just meet him. But it isn't about HIM, it's about Gaby being 12 and not ready to date, in this mother's opinion (and father's I should add). I don't know how things will turn out there, I tried explaining to her that she gets to keep everything that went on between her and this boy in her heart and noone can ever take that away from her, and she holds on to it until we come to some kind of resolve on this issue or until she decides to let go or however it turns out, but that it was hers to keep in her heart. She didn't understand all of this at first, but with lots of question and answer time, I think she understood and seemed better about it.
She still feels her teachers are out to get her instead of helping her stay on track. wE got a new binder yesterday for the 2nd half of the year and hopefully this will help her stay organized and on top of the work. AS to how she works the system, I will get my turn with the therapist to let her be aware of what I am hearing from the teachers on this end, and she will know Gaby's end, and perhaps we'll find a middle ground.
That's the update, it was all good, thank God.
Blessings, Mary-Anne
"Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow - I will hold tight to the Hand of Him who's love will see me through... And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle...He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me..."
 
dx lupus, FMS - 2004
sjogrens - 2005
RLS, Anxiety, Migraines, Allergies, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, IBS
meds - Plaquenil, Zelnorm, Klonopin, Seroquel, Zomig, Ultram, Zyrtec, Flexeril
 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/7/2006 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mary-Anne,  I am so glad that you were able to get her into see a counselor.  Talking with a professional should help.  Things with kids now a days are so differant than even when I was growing up in the 70's & 80's.  Just the other day my 10 year old neice came over and had makeup on as if she were an adult.  I was kind of surprised by this but maybe this is the thing for kids to do now a days, I dont know but it didnt seem appropriate for someone of her age.  I dont have children so I cant state my views on dating ages or whatever to others who do have kids.  Obviously you being the parent have to make this decision has she as the child will have to respect your decision.  Good luck with it
~elisha


XXxxMEGANxxXX
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/18/2008 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok, i understand your problam and i understand how she is feeling, because i do it too. I do it because it lets out the pain of being depressed. And because my parents treat me like a baby. I want them to trust me enugh to know i wont kill my self. Ok this is how you can try to stop it, talk to her about it and dont yell because it makes us hate our lives more. Be calm. Try to get her to tell you why she is doing it. And about the phone prolbam i do it too, i hate it when they tell me what i can and cat do. All it is, is a phays its going to be like this for a while. BEST-OF-LUCK =)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/18/2008 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Maryann,

I am seeing a lot of peer pressure going on through reading your posts.  Her grades have dropped, you said that she was getting D's.  I wonder if she is cutting because her friends are.  I think that the counseling is a good idea and that you are doing everything humanly possible to help her.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.  I think that with the help of the counselor she will come around.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies

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