Still grieving,will it ever end?

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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/28/2006 10:37 AM (GMT -6)   
How long does it take to get over a loss?
I just realized that the problem of anxiety/depression I have is partially related to past losses. Such as family deaths, divorce, neighborhood conflicts and being fired at work. 
On some mornings when I can 'sleep in' ,I can't because one or all of these senarios pop into my head. If it happens too early in the AM, I get up a go into another room for a while and watch TV or something.  I feel I need to leave the room I am in because of there 'being too many people there'. Acutally they are in my head, but I can't explain it anyother way.
Some of these senarios are from over 20 years ago...How can I let these go?  Will it ever end confused

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 142
   Posted 1/28/2006 6:28 PM (GMT -6)   
punky, the one big grief that really bothers me is the death of my mother. i talked to her at 10:00am on March 4, 2004. At 3:00 pm I got a call that her house was on fire and they couldn't find her. I made the 20 mile trip in under 10 minutes. My mother was found 4 feet from the front door. when we talked that morning I knew she wasn't feeling well. The what ifs are killing me. What if I had went on over to see her instead of going to work, and so on. I think that grieving gets easier, but it never goes completely away. We each just have to find the best way for ourselves to cope with it. Yes counseling does help. I started after our wreck. They had the counselor come to my house since i couldn't get out. But it does help. i encourage you take full advantage of it.

My prayers are with you. And here's a((((( hug))))) to go with them.
Motorcycle wreck 8-27-2004, 119 fx from right hip down to ankle, 9 surgeries so far.  I am Thankful to God that I am alive and still have my leg.
Ones who say it cannot be done should stop interupting those that are doing it.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/28/2006 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
punky, it's really normal that that happens especially during the night, it's sometimes hard to just go to sleep with all those memories and thoughts in your head. maybe counselling could help you out... I don't know what the solution would be becuase usually it's time that heals these types of wounds. But I've lost faith in psychologists as the last time I went to one, to one at school, I was terrible about my grandmother's death and he GIGGLED when I mentioned why I was feeling down. I just wanted to slap him.

stillrecovering, what happened was terrible but you have to somehow not ask all those "what if's" that always pop into people's heads because it was NOT your fault. And you're right, grieving never goes away completely.

Hugs to all of you.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/28/2006 11:48 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks. its comforting to know that I am not alone with this. The 'what ifs' and 'should haves' will probably haunt us all for a long long time. I have thought about counselling for this. Have also considered talking to my priest. I know forgiveness is a big part of it. Even if the forgiveness is too myself.
I once heard that there are no;should haves, would haves, could haves. Just what is, what was, what will be. We must all just accept.
Easy to say. Tough to live.
Peace to you all.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/29/2006 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   

Punky,  You have received some very good advice so far.  I wanted you to know that you most definitely are not alone.  You know what everyone says about hindsight?  You can not change the past, so why live in it?  A lot of people that have been abused physically and sexually wrestle with the forgiveness issue.  I have learned that I don't have to forgive the man who hurt me for years.  I forgave myself, and stopped torchering myself with it on a daily basis.  What happened makes me who I am today, and I am a stronger person because of it.  Do I wish I would go away or never happened? Of course I do, but I cant change the past I have to make the best out what I have now, learn to live with my self  and my demons.

Counselling is an excellent idea whether it is with a counselor or a priest.  My thoughts are with you......


Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/29/2006 1:26 PM (GMT -6)   
:-)  thanks

Black Jack
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 1/30/2006 8:55 PM (GMT -6)   
eyes  punky, this is Black Jack. I've found some wonderful friends/healers on the remicade site. I am fifty-two and psoriatic arthritis, ankylosis spondylitis, tendontis, ad infinitum have put me in tremendous physical pain.  Hey, I suffer from depression. I've been on meds for 12-13 years and have seen good counselors, psychs, and some bad ones, cruel and unscrupulous ones. I know how you feel about being crowded out of rooms. I live that way, too. Funny, I have a stretch of good years and then slam! Someone breaks glass over my head with his or her unconciousness. I am always striving to be a better Christian--I have a strong Catholic background--but, I am aware when I am being aloof, rude, superior, hurtful, etc.
I will tell you that I have come to realize that we all live in three realities simulaneously: past, present, future. You don't know how many years, accumulated, I waste by writing letters I never mail; fantasizing about the right words to say to wound someone enough to wake that person up to how offhandedly or intentionally he or she hurts other people. I have found that people are like wolves. They hunt in packs. I don't know what wolves feel, but I know the people that haunt my rooms are scared people, greedy people, and they think power is everything. Well, I'm an individualist, a loner. That gives me my freedom, but it also leaves me open....I'm feared because I'm independent and the pack can't stand what Keats called "negative capability," the ability to straddle two realities at once--for example, fear and resolve, being wounded and grounded, but rising without memory of your own wounds when someone needs you.  I know the rage of it all, punky. Trouble is we're not prone to harming anyone. I hope I am not projecting myself onto you. I know that we all have differences. So, I will say that in my case, I loathe hurting anyone, anything, in any way. But I have been hurt (What a childhood I've climbed out of! But the details are not important. People like us start life six feet under, to use a metaphor, and we struggle with broken fingernails and gloveless, bleeding fingers, to get a look at level ground.). It's the tension I live with--my inability to forgive cruelty, any shade of unkindness; my wanting to be an avenger; my knowing that I cannot live as an avenger, which is to say for revenge. Yet, I hang suspended on my orb of wounds, past and present, and my imagined victimhood for all my days to come.  I'm a poet, but I can't write for the public right now. Just for myself. I've stopped publishing and, as I have done in many past lifetimes, I've thrown myself into listening to music. I am making my family crazy with the thousands of hours of playing Leonard Cohen songs. He's a genius. He has suffered enormously, and, you may know this, blues music always makes us feel good. We're not alone! Not unique! Let me end with a few lines from one of Cohen's songs, so many have beome mantras for me, and they give me strenght to stand alone and to continue to try to shed all the vermin that I have let under my skin, in my bed, etc. I hope this helps you: "Like a bird on the wire. / like a drunk in a midnight choir, / I have tried in my way to be free."
I am suffering body and soul, again, punky.  I feel better when I'm that "drunk in a midnight choir." Imagine it! I know where you are, punky. I'll think of you. Black Jack 

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/31/2006 7:40 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey Black Jack,

Thanks for the post.  I have never wished to harm any of the people who haunt me. Not physically at least.  When I first found out that my husband wanted to divorce me, I did think about suicide. But, only as a revenge toward him. So he would have to deal with guilt and disgust from others for what he had driven me to do. I was going to leave a letter and disclose all the disgusting things he had done. But, since I am a Christian and now Catholic, I didn't because I knew that suicide is considered a sin and I would never get to see my kids again in Heaven.

The neighbor from Hell that flooded my house and called the humane society on me for my barking dog I have settled that one.  I sold my house to a couple with two noisy kids and two huge dogs.  I sure hope they bark nono alot.

The boss that fired me, I told him in a letter I left on his desk on my last day.  I said that I would take everything he had ever taught me and bring it to my new job(in the same profession)and do all I could to make my new employer more productive and successful than he could ever imagine.  And I have yeah .

Even tho I have resolved some of my haunts, still I have the memory of pain that each one gave me.  Loss, no matter how, seems to hurt in so many ways.  My Mother died 3 years ago next week.  She died peacefully in her own home,but was not discovered until a day later. I had called her on the day before and got no answer on the phone. I wish I had listened to my inner self and called her neighbor to go and check on her.  When they found her the next day, she was on her couch leaning toward the phone.   I'll always wonder if it was my call she was trying to answer.  Even tho I didn't see her on her couch dead, I can see her in my mind plain as day. She had been there so long that her nails were black, so they had to paint them for the funeral.  How I wish I would have just called someone, but she always had meetings to go to or shopping to do, so I was hoping that was where she was. Not dead on her couch.

We can't turn the clock back. Each second that goes by will never come again. All we can do is learn and try to do better.    I have learned that I have to follow my inner self.     I need to express my self in better ways.      If I love someone, I tell them. ALL THE TIME.

My new hubby also like Cohen and Dylan.  I can't say they are one of my favs.,but I do appreciate their talents.         I liked the Cohen song in the movie Pump up the Volume with Christian Slater.    I would much rather read Dylan that listen to him tongue .  But, thats just me.


Thanks and try to have a nice day without too many haunts.


Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 1/31/2006 11:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I miss my dad so much and will always grieve and wish I did alot of things different ,went and saw him more... but I can't dwell on what I didn't do and remember him for the great, man,person and most of all father he was to me.I will always miss him .
The way I understand grieving is if you still grieve and miss someone they obviously had an impact on our lives in a good way if we still miss them ..I have alot of family that has passed on I am 32 and gone thru more death than I should have I guess what I am trying to say is grieving isn't a bad thing ,you just have to learn to push it back into the archives of the brain ,and draw on them whenever needed ....thats what I do

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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