My parents don't understand

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bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/7/2006 12:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I've had episodes of depression for as long as I can remember, and I have been battling *major* depression for the last two years and haven't been able to work very much (I'm 32 years old).  Like everyone else, I have good and bad days - but recently it feels like a losing battle.  I was visiting my parents last week, and my mom says to me: "You're a ****ing baby and I'm really ****ing sick of you."  I was really devastated.  My parents are both verbally abusive alcoholics anyway (mostly to each other), but this incident seemed overly cruel.  The irony is that my mom also struggles with depression.  While I try not to drag her down with my problems (since she has enough of her own), she seems to enjoy kicking me when I'm already down.  I really don't understand this mentality.  I know it's hard for people to understand the complexities of depression if they've never experienced it, but I'm at a loss to understand why mom treats me this way when I'm already not doing very well and she knows it (and my dad is useless - a total bully/coward).  I'm also an only child, so I don't even have any siblings to turn to.  I feel so alone.  My therapist says I should stay away from them (obviously), but what am I supposed to do when I feel so alone and isolated already?  Life feels too hard during times like this.  How do I keep going?

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/7/2006 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi bluepixie,  Welcome to Healing Well forum.  I am glad that you found us.  It is so important to remember that you are not alone in your feelings and depression.  Posting on this site with all the caring people hopefully will help.  I does for me at least.

I have to say that I agree with your counselor.  I dont know how you grew up or what your childhood was like.  In any case it appears that your relationship with your parents is an abusive one.  Maybe you should try setting some boundries with them and telling them how they make you feel and that you wont be coming back around if they dont change this behavior.  Your 32 yrs old there is no reason for them to act this way toward you or for you to allow it.  You could write a letter telling them of your feelings or call without having to do it face to face. 

I understand the complexities of a disfuctional family very well.  Although I have a good relationship with my mom, I havent spoken to or seen my younger brother who is 28 yrs old in over 2 years now.  He has Bipolar and always has been very abusive towards my mom and other members of my family and also controlling of everyone.  I love him and wish him well but unless he gets help I will not be a part of his life. 

You have to decide what is best for you and what you can live with. 


~elisha


bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/7/2006 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much Elisha - I don't hold out any hope that my parents will ever get help, but I guess I'm the only one who can change the dynamics of the relationship (ie. setting the boundaries). It's so embarrassing to be in an abusive relationship with my parents - and like most abusive relationships, I just keep going back for more. But enough is enough, even if they are my parents. I suppose it might not be so hard if I was feeling strong, but right now I feel so defeated, and their attitude just makes it worse. Part of the problem is that they guilt me into forgiving them, and I fall for it every time. But I know that is my fault. I suppose on some level I want to forgive them since they are my parents and sometimes I feel like I have no one else anyway (so therefore no choice but to forgive them - otherwise I would *really* be alone). Anyway, I'm really glad I found this site.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/8/2006 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
You are welcome - I am glad that you found this site also.  It is good that you recognize what it going on in the dynamics of your relationship with your parents.  And you have no reason to be embaressed at all.  It happens to a lot of people.  You are not alone in this...... Take care
~elisha


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 2/10/2006 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
when you feel alone do what I do and come here..it helps me out so much..
J

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/11/2006 12:20 AM (GMT -7)   
bluepixie, were your parents both alcoholics when you were little and growing up and all ?

Gosh, I wondered that, because that is when our 'foundation for security' is formed.

My heart goes out to you. I do understand the pain of losing family members, when you don't really want to.
That hurts more than words can express, that's why it comes out through depression for most. If only we could talk long enough to put the puzzle pieces back where they should have been.

I believe that coming here would sort of work that way for you. Elisha and the others, have hearts of pure gold and you did well in expressing these things.

Glad you found this place ... glad I have also.

Hugs to you girl.
Ann
Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/11/2006 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Ann :) Yes, my parents have both been raging alcoholics my entire life - for as long as I can remember. In fact, my dad's whole side of the family are all alcoholics in a bad way. I definitely never had any sort of foundation of security, that's for sure. I know I can't change the past, but I just wish they didn't still continue to act this way - I can't understand it. It does hurt a lot, but I know I have to let them go so I can get on my with life. Otherwise I will stay stuck in the past. Sometimes I can't believe I'm 32 and still dealing with this, you know? Where have all the years gone? I'm so mentally exhausted from it all. Anyway, thank you again for the support.

obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/12/2006 1:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hiya bluepixie, My daughter is in here 30's too.

I typed a whole big reply to ya and guess what ... I pushed "esc" instead of a "~" and the whole thing disappeared. Oh my.

Oh well, good finger exercises tonite ... Ha.

I wanted also to ask that, because my sister-in-law taught me (the hard way) about what alcohol does to the human brain.
Oh my. She and I were good buddies, but each year she got nastier and nastier and well, it was a long story that I just accidently erased, but to tell you what happened to her, I had to research it to understand.
It appears she was killing her brain cells first, then was entering into what's called alcohol induced psychosis.
You know, when someone says "That's the alcohol talking" ... that is very very true. It was and is with alcoholics. Eventually they lose more and more. It isn't "them" anymore. Really sad.

She died in her sleep at home, 2 years ago of alcohol induced cardiomyopathy. :(
She was a beautiful girl too. Worked in an office for Aetna when I met her .... 20 years later, she looked like a bag lady and actually would have been if her mother hadn't taken her in.

Anyways, don't look at how old you are in years now bluepixie ... because they say we inwardly stay at the age when the greatest crisis or lack or trauma happened in our lives.

You will have to go to that foundation and at that point of your childhood, when you needed the support the most and cuddle, rock and cry with that little girl who had no foundation layers, despite that you're 32 now, you have to go and heal that little girl first, yourself or with the help of any sympathetic friend or whomever.

Don't be afraid to rock that little girl and hold her and sympathise with her. You can be her very best friend in the long run, if you just have patience with you both. :)

Do you have a best friend who you can talk to ? One good girl friend can be like a life line too.
You love them enough so that you don't want to drag them down, yet you feel comfortable sharing all of this with them. Ya know ?
I have a friend who has heard the same blue story about my life for 20 years ... ha. but she never tires of it.
If I felt she was, I'd have stopped .... but I haven't needed to do that to her in a long time, but I also know, that if I do need to again, she's there for me and all ears. Never makes me feel like I'm being a broken record or pain in the neck.
Just one friend can really help.

Someday those parents may need your help ... but you've got to take care of you first and get your foundation fixed.
Enough self-work and the cement will come to fix it ... I promise. Been there.

Take good care of you.
Big Hugs.
Ann
Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/12/2006 5:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Again, thanks so much Ann - what kind words! And wonderful advice and understanding. I do have a few good friends - I tend to keep things in though... because I'm so afraid people will get sick of me or judge me, etc. It's a vicious cycle isn't it? We need to be heard and understood, yet we are afraid to really let it all out. My therapist has been wonderful in this regard.... she doesn't judge me (of course) and she really *gets it* - she really gets me. Unfortunately I can't afford to see her as much as I would like. The past few days have been a bit better.... not talking to my parents seems to make me feel better, sad as it is. You really hit the nail on the head when you said your sister-in-law became nastier as the years went by... that is exactly what has happened to my mom... I can't believe some of the things that come out of her mouth. My dad has always been nasty and horrible, but I've definitely noticed a progression with my mom.

I really appreciate your kindness :)
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